Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Recently, many individuals hold the view that extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be prohibited.From the personal view, it is justifiable to partially consent with this course of thinking .By analyzing the various revelant factors , this peice of literature will cast light on the aforementioned statement.
On one hand , advocates of this belief attribute its validity to several causes . First and foremost ,It has negative effects on the young generation. the root cause for this is that risky actions will make young generation to inmitate such dangerous sports and this will cause consequence .Added to this is that , such sports may leads to accidents for the surrounding people.This stems from the fact that extreme sports event tend to a crowd of participants. for example, bike racing games ,when racing with highest speed results in lost of handling and digression from the track.From these arguments, the consensus on the gviven claim proved to be radical and reasonable.
However,it is misconception for overlooking the flawness of this thinking . The most glaring one is that a lots of people who enjoy such entertainment programms.The drives behind this is that entertainment programms are known to be intriguing for many viewers.Based on the reasoning,it is evident that the subscription to such belief will do a disservice.
To bring the writing to a close, it is sensible to partially agree with the given claim .In the future , it is predicted that risky sports might be limited.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Recently, many individuals hold the view" -> "Recently, many individuals believe"
   Explanation: "Hold the view" is a bit formal but slightly awkward in this context. "Believe" is more direct and commonly used in academic writing.

2. "extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing" -> "extreme sports such as skydiving and skiing"
   Explanation: "Sky diving" should be hyphenated as "skydiving" to form a compound noun.

3. "it is justifiable to partially consent with this course of thinking" -> "it is justifiable to partially agree with this perspective"
   Explanation: "Consent with this course of thinking" is awkward and unclear. "Agree with this perspective" is more natural and precise.

4. "By analyzing the various revelant factors" -> "By examining the various relevant factors"
   Explanation: "Revelant" is a typographical error; "relevant" is the correct word. "Examining" is more formal than "analyzing" in this context.

5. "peice of literature" -> "piece of literature"
   Explanation: "Peice" is a typographical error; "piece" is the correct spelling.

6. "advocates of this belief attribute its validity" -> "advocates of this belief attribute its validity to"
   Explanation: Adding "to" after "attribute" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.

7. "the young generation" -> "the young generation"
   Explanation: "The young generation" is grammatically correct and more formal.

8. "make young generation to inmitate" -> "encourage the young generation to imitate"
   Explanation: "Make young generation to inmitate" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Encourage the young generation to imitate" is grammatically correct and clearer.

9. "such sports may leads to accidents" -> "such sports may lead to accidents"
   Explanation: "Leads" should be "lead" to agree in number with "sports."

10. "extreme sports event tend to a crowd of participants" -> "extreme sports events tend to attract a crowd of participants"
    Explanation: "Event" should be plural "events" to match the context, and "attract" is more precise than "tend to."

11. "bike racing games" -> "bike racing events"
    Explanation: "Games" is too informal and vague for this context; "events" is more specific and formal.

12. "results in lost of handling" -> "result in loss of control"
    Explanation: "Lost of handling" is incorrect; "result in loss of control" is grammatically correct and clearer.

13. "digression from the track" -> "deviation from the track"
    Explanation: "Digression" is not typically used in this context; "deviation" is more appropriate for describing a change in direction.

14. "the gviven claim" -> "the given claim"
    Explanation: "Gviven" is a typographical error; "given" is the correct spelling.

15. "a lots of people" -> "a large number of people"
    Explanation: "A lots" is grammatically incorrect; "a large number of" is the correct phrase.

16. "entertainment programms" -> "entertainment programs"
    Explanation: "Programms" is a typographical error; "programs" is the correct spelling.

17. "The drives behind this is that" -> "The reasons behind this are that"
    Explanation: "The drives" is incorrect; "reasons" is the correct noun. Also, "are" should be used instead of "is" for plural subjects.

18. "it is sensible to partially agree with the given claim" -> "it is reasonable to partially agree with this claim"
    Explanation: "Sensible" is less formal than "reasonable," which is more suitable for academic writing. Removing "the given" makes the sentence more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the dangers of extreme sports and expressing a partial agreement with the notion that they should be banned. However, it does not fully explore the extent of agreement or disagreement as required by the prompt. The essay mentions both sides but lacks a clear delineation of how strongly the author feels about the issue. For instance, the phrase "partially consent" is vague and does not clarify the author’s position.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position on whether they agree or disagree with the ban and provide a clear rationale for the extent of their agreement. Including specific examples or scenarios that illustrate both sides of the argument would also strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position. While the author states a partial agreement, this stance is not consistently supported throughout the essay. The introduction suggests a balanced view, but the body paragraphs do not effectively reinforce this position. For example, the arguments against the ban are less developed and lack depth, which creates confusion about the author’s true stance.
  • How to improve: The author should maintain a consistent position by clearly stating their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. Each paragraph should support this position with relevant arguments and examples. Using transitional phrases to signal shifts in perspective can also help clarify the author’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the dangers of extreme sports, such as the potential for accidents and the influence on youth. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient detail. For instance, the mention of "bike racing games" lacks a clear connection to the argument and does not provide a strong example of the dangers involved. Additionally, the counterargument about entertainment is underexplored and does not convincingly support the author’s position.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the author should aim to develop each idea more thoroughly. This includes providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the points being made. Each argument should be clearly linked to the thesis, and the author should consider addressing counterarguments in more depth to strengthen their overall position.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing extreme sports and their dangers. However, there are moments where the focus becomes muddled, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of entertainment programs feels tangential and does not directly relate to the prompt. This deviation detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made in the essay directly relate to the question of whether extreme sports should be banned. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that ties back to the main argument, and any examples or counterpoints should be relevant to the discussion of the dangers of extreme sports.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it lacks clarity and depth in its arguments. By explicitly stating a clear position, developing ideas more thoroughly, and maintaining focus on the topic, the author can improve their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical organization is weak. For instance, the transition between the first and second paragraphs is abrupt, lacking a clear connection that guides the reader. The arguments presented in the body paragraphs do not follow a coherent progression, making it difficult for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. The use of phrases like "On one hand" and "However" indicates an attempt to structure the argument, but the lack of clear topic sentences and supporting details undermines the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, the arguments should be presented in a logical sequence, perhaps by grouping similar ideas together. Using linking phrases effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs can also help improve the flow of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness is compromised by poor structure and unclear focus. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly delineate the main arguments. The second paragraph attempts to present counterarguments but lacks clarity and depth. The conclusion is present but does not effectively summarize the key points made in the essay, leaving the reader with an incomplete understanding of the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples or explanations. It would be beneficial to have a clear introduction that outlines the main arguments, followed by separate paragraphs for each argument and counterargument, and a conclusion that succinctly summarizes the discussion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence. While some cohesive devices such as "First and foremost" and "However" are used, they are not varied enough to create a smooth flow of ideas. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that disrupt the reader’s understanding, such as "the root cause for this is that risky actions will make young generation to inmitate such dangerous sports."
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," and "Consequently." It is also important to ensure that these devices are used accurately and appropriately within the context of the sentences. Revising for grammatical accuracy and clarity will also enhance the effectiveness of the cohesive devices used.

In summary, to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on organizing information logically, enhancing paragraph structure, and using a wider range of cohesive devices effectively. This will contribute to a clearer and more persuasive argument, ultimately leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "advocates," "prohibited," and "entertainment programs." However, the range is somewhat limited and lacks sophistication. For instance, phrases like "very dangerous" and "should be banned" are quite basic and could be replaced with more nuanced expressions such as "highly perilous" or "ought to be restricted." Additionally, the use of "this course of thinking" is vague and could be articulated more clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For example, instead of repeating "dangerous," they could use terms like "hazardous" or "life-threatening." Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more advanced texts could help in discovering new vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, "this peice of literature" is an awkward phrase in this context, as it implies a literary analysis rather than an essay. Additionally, the phrase "the root cause for this is that risky actions will make young generation to inmitate" is both unclear and grammatically incorrect. The intended meaning is lost due to the imprecise use of "make" and "to imitate."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, rephrasing to "the root cause is that risky actions may lead the younger generation to imitate such dangerous sports" would clarify the statement. Regular practice in writing and receiving feedback can help refine vocabulary precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "revelant" (relevant), "peice" (piece), "inmitate" (imitate), "gviven" (given), and "flawness" (flawlessness). These errors not only affect the professionalism of the writing but also can lead to misunderstandings of the intended message.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy before submission. This could involve reading the essay aloud, using spell-check tools, or writing practice essays to reinforce correct spelling. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial for targeted practice.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the writer primarily employs simple and compound sentences, such as "First and foremost, it has negative effects on the young generation." While there are some attempts at complex sentences, such as "The most glaring one is that a lots of people who enjoy such entertainment programms," they are often awkwardly constructed and lack clarity. The use of phrases like "this peice of literature will cast light on the aforementioned statement" is overly formal and does not contribute effectively to the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying, "It has negative effects on the young generation," the writer could say, "While extreme sports can provide thrilling experiences, they also pose significant risks, particularly for the young generation who may be tempted to imitate these dangerous activities." Practicing the use of relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence beginnings can also help diversify the writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "the root cause for this is that risky actions will make young generation to inmitate such dangerous sports and this will cause consequence" contains several errors, including the incorrect use of "to inmitate" (should be "imitate") and "cause consequence" (should be "cause consequences"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases (e.g., "Recently, many individuals hold the view…") and incorrect capitalization (e.g., "It has negative effects…") detract from the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch errors before submission. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify mistakes. Furthermore, studying common grammatical structures and practicing their use in writing can enhance overall accuracy. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding commas, periods, and capitalization to ensure that sentences are correctly punctuated, which will improve readability and comprehension.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument regarding extreme sports, it suffers from a lack of variety in sentence structures and numerous grammatical and punctuation errors. By focusing on diversifying sentence types and enhancing grammatical accuracy, the writer can significantly improve their score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, many individuals hold the view that extreme sports such as skydiving and skiing are very dangerous and should be prohibited. From a personal perspective, it is reasonable to partially agree with this viewpoint. By examining the various relevant factors, this piece of literature will shed light on the aforementioned statement.

On one hand, advocates of this belief attribute its validity to several causes. First and foremost, it has negative effects on the young generation. The root cause for this is that risky actions may encourage the young generation to imitate such dangerous sports, which can lead to serious consequences. Additionally, such sports may result in accidents for those nearby. This stems from the fact that extreme sports events tend to attract a crowd of participants. For example, in bike racing events, racing at high speeds can result in a loss of control and deviation from the track. From these arguments, the consensus on the given claim appears to be both radical and reasonable.

However, it is a misconception to overlook the flaws in this thinking. The most glaring one is that a large number of people enjoy such entertainment programs. The reasons behind this are that these programs are known to be intriguing for many viewers. Based on this reasoning, it is evident that subscribing to such a belief may do a disservice to those who appreciate extreme sports.

To bring the writing to a close, it is sensible to partially agree with the given claim. In the future, it is predicted that risky sports might be limited, but a complete ban may not be justified.