Factors Affecting Work Performance

The bar chart illustates 10 factors that most affect workers in 2 aged group
Overall, it is readily apparent that there is a significant differences of the factors, though younger employees value the value of priorities for personal improvement, comfortable environment and promotion prospects most highly. Both of two aged group, team spirit, competent boss, behavior of colleagues, job satisfaction are more critical than other factors. Work environment and job security are less impactful of them
Initially, there are similar between the factors. For both ages, money is the most impactful by nearly 70%. Following by 60% agree team spirit and 30% think that work environment always affect. Next to that, the survey of figures are also similar for the job satisfaction and competent boss (all are nearly 60% from 2 group of ages), respectively.
There are significant contrast of the survey, the chance for personal development by 90% at age 18-30 and just around 40% at age 45-60. Similarly, there are 80% at younger employees agree that relaxed working environment are crucial but there are 30% at older group. Young workers emphasize promotion prospects (80% and 50%) and finally is job security with 40% to about 20%

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"illustates" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is the correct spelling of the verb meaning to provide a visual representation of something, as in this context.
"significant differences of the factors" -> "significant differences among the factors"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate here as it suggests a comparison within a group, whereas "of" typically denotes possession or relationship, which doesn’t fit the intended meaning.
"younger employees value the value of priorities" -> "younger employees prioritize"
Explanation: "Prioritize" succinctly conveys the idea of giving importance to certain things over others without redundancy.
"critical than other factors" -> "more critical than other factors"
Explanation: Adding "more" clarifies the comparison and makes the sentence grammatically correct.
"Initially, there are similar between the factors." -> "Initially, there are similarities between the factors."
Explanation: The correct form is "similarities" to match the plural form of "factors," and "between" is used for comparing two entities.
"money is the most impactful by nearly 70%" -> "money has the highest impact, nearly 70%"
Explanation: "Impactful" is less formal; "has the highest impact" is a clearer and more precise expression.
"Following by 60% agree team spirit" -> "Followed by 60% who agree on team spirit"
Explanation: The original phrasing lacks grammatical structure. Using "followed by" introduces clarity, and adding "who agree on" provides specificity.
"Next to that, the survey of figures" -> "In addition, the survey figures"
Explanation: "Next to that" is informal; "In addition" is a more formal transition. "Survey figures" is more concise than "the survey of figures."
"are also similar for the job satisfaction" -> "are also similar regarding job satisfaction"
Explanation: Using "regarding" instead of "for" is more precise in expressing the relationship between the factors and the aspect being compared.
"There are significant contrast of the survey" -> "There are significant contrasts in the survey"
Explanation: "Contrast" should be plural to match "significant contrasts," and "of the survey" is replaced with "in the survey" for grammatical correctness.
"the chance for personal development by 90% at age 18-30" -> "the importance of personal development, with 90% at age 18-30"
Explanation: This revision clarifies that it’s not the chance itself that’s 90%, but rather the percentage of people who find personal development important in the specified age group.
"but there are 30% at older group" -> "but only 30% in the older group"
Explanation: "In the older group" is more precise and idiomatic than "at older group," and "only" emphasizes the contrast more effectively.
"Young workers emphasize promotion prospects (80% and 50%)" -> "Young workers prioritize promotion prospects (80% compared to 50%)"
Explanation: The original phrasing lacks clarity in specifying how the percentages relate to each other. Clarifying with "compared to" enhances comprehension.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by presenting information on factors affecting work performance for two age groups. It provides a basic overview of the main trends in factors affecting work performance, including similarities and differences between age groups. However, the essay lacks clarity and coherence in its presentation. Some details are provided, but they are presented in a disjointed and confusing manner, making it difficult to follow the argument. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout the essay, which further detract from its overall coherence and clarity.

How to improve:

Provide a clearer introduction that outlines the purpose and structure of the essay.
Organize the information logically, perhaps by grouping similar factors together or by age group, to improve coherence and readability.
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and provides clear supporting details.
Proofread the essay carefully to eliminate grammatical errors and improve sentence structure and clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay presents information about factors affecting work performance, but the organization is lacking coherence and progression. The essay lacks clear paragraphing, resulting in a disjointed presentation of ideas. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, but they are often inaccurate or repetitive, hindering the flow of the essay. Additionally, the essay lacks clear referencing and substitution, contributing to repetitiveness and confusion.

How to improve:

Organize ideas coherently: Ensure a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay by structuring it with well-defined paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a central topic or idea related to work performance factors.
Improve cohesive devices usage: Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences. Avoid repetition and inaccuracies in the use of cohesive devices to enhance the clarity and flow of the essay.
Enhance referencing and substitution: Clearly reference ideas and use appropriate substitution techniques to avoid repetitiveness and confusion in the essay. Ensure that each point connects logically to the overall argument and supports the central theme of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, often repeating basic terms such as "factors," "age group," and "survey." Some attempts are made to introduce variety, but they remain minimal, and there are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the essay. For example, "most affect workers in 2 aged group" should be "most affect workers in two age groups," and "less impactful of them" could be revised to "less impactful than others." Spelling errors also occur, such as "illustates" instead of "illustrates."

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on diversifying their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of terms related to the topic. Additionally, they should pay closer attention to word choice and ensure accuracy in word formation and spelling. Using synonyms, paraphrasing, and employing precise terminology will help elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay. Furthermore, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors before submission is crucial for clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures, with frequent errors in grammar and punctuation. The text lacks complexity, relying heavily on simple sentences. While there is an attempt to convey information, the numerous grammatical errors and lack of structural variety hinder clarity and coherence. Errors such as missing articles, incorrect verb tense usage, and inconsistent subject-verb agreement contribute to the overall lack of accuracy. Additionally, punctuation errors are prevalent throughout the essay, further impacting readability.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex forms. They should strive for clearer expression by paying close attention to grammar rules and ensuring consistent and appropriate use of punctuation marks. Proofreading and editing are crucial to identify and rectify errors, allowing for smoother communication of ideas. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors can help address specific areas of weakness and enhance overall writing proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the key factors influencing work performance across two age groups. Overall, significant disparities are evident among these factors, with younger employees placing greater emphasis on personal improvement priorities, a comfortable working environment, and prospects for promotion. In contrast, both age groups consider team spirit, having a competent boss, the behavior of colleagues, and job satisfaction as more crucial factors. Conversely, factors such as work environment and job security are deemed less impactful.

Initially, similarities exist between the factors. For both age brackets, monetary compensation is the most influential factor, with approximately 70% agreement. Team spirit follows closely, with around 60% of respondents concurring, while roughly 30% perceive the work environment to always have an effect. Similarly, job satisfaction and having a competent boss yield comparable percentages across both age groups, each garnering nearly 60% agreement.

However, significant disparities emerge in the survey findings. Notably, 90% of respondents aged 18-30 value the opportunity for personal development, whereas this figure drops to around 40% among those aged 45-60. Likewise, approximately 80% of younger employees prioritize a relaxed working environment, compared to only 30% among the older age group. Furthermore, promotion prospects hold greater importance for young workers, with 80% expressing agreement compared to 50% among older employees. Finally, job security is considered significant by 40% of younger workers, whereas only around 20% of older workers share this sentiment.