Famous people – Role model – Having increasing effect on the young. Positive/Negative.

Famous people – Role model – Having increasing effect on the young. Positive/Negative.

Pepple have different views about whether or not famous people like role model have a good impact young generation. In my opinion, I belive that there're both positive and negative celebrities brings to the young.
There are three main reasons why it could be argued that the young recieve good effect from their idols. Life is more complex and difficult because the cost of living has increase dramatically, therefore the young have to learn and work full-time to maintain their life. It'll be a meaningful time if they're deserved an entertain programs on television or their laptop after a long-strength day by role model. In addition to that, the famous people have a strong speak, that means they can teach the young how to get a better life by making inspiring videos. Thanks to such videos, the young have more desire to stop procrastination and increase motivation.
However, I would like to say that famous people still remains negative effects on the young. Such as their diets, by making videos about how they eat a day to remains body like supermodels, the young mimic and they have to suffer a disorder meals. It can lead to the hygiene health get terrific problems. In addition to that, some of famous people have misleading thoughts by making scandals videos to get top trending videos. The young who don't have a strong though may face to wrong doings, it could lead to criticise, small fines or even prison sentences.
In conclusion, while famous people can bring to better inspiration to the young. I believed that the young should alert to get information from them.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Pepple" -> "People"
   Explanation: "Pepple" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "People" for proper spelling and grammatical accuracy.

2. "like role model" -> "like role models"
   Explanation: The phrase "like role model" is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is "like role models" to agree with the plural subject "famous people" mentioned earlier in the sentence.

3. "I belive" -> "I believe"
   Explanation: "Belive" is a misspelling of the word "believe," which is a fundamental verb in the sentence.

4. "there’re" -> "there are"
   Explanation: "There’re" is a contraction of "there are," which is informal and not suitable for academic writing. The full form "there are" is more formal and appropriate.

5. "celebrities brings" -> "celebrities bring"
   Explanation: The verb "brings" should be in the plural form "bring" to agree with the plural subject "celebrities."

6. "the young recieve good effect" -> "the young receive a positive impact"
   Explanation: "Recieve" is a misspelling and "good effect" is vague and informal. "Receive a positive impact" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

7. "It’ll be a meaningful time" -> "It will be a meaningful experience"
   Explanation: "It’ll" is a contraction and "time" is too vague; "It will be a meaningful experience" is more specific and formal.

8. "long-strength day" -> "long, hard day"
   Explanation: "Long-strength day" is incorrect and unclear. "Long, hard day" is a clearer and more appropriate phrase in this context.

9. "strong speak" -> "strong speeches"
   Explanation: "Strong speak" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Strong speeches" is the correct term, referring to the persuasive or influential nature of the celebrities’ public speaking.

10. "get a better life" -> "improve their lives"
    Explanation: "Get a better life" is informal and vague. "Improve their lives" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

11. "stop procrastination" -> "overcome procrastination"
    Explanation: "Stop procrastination" is a bit informal and direct. "Overcome procrastination" is more formal and suggests a process of overcoming rather than simply stopping.

12. "remains body like supermodels" -> "maintain a body like supermodels"
    Explanation: "Remains body" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Maintain a body like supermodels" is grammatically correct and clearer.

13. "disorder meals" -> "unhealthy eating habits"
    Explanation: "Disorder meals" is unclear and incorrect. "Unhealthy eating habits" is a clear and appropriate term in this context.

14. "get terrific problems" -> "face significant health problems"
    Explanation: "Get terrific problems" is informal and vague. "Face significant health problems" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

15. "misleading thoughts" -> "misleading information"
    Explanation: "Misleading thoughts" is vague and could be interpreted in various ways. "Misleading information" is specific and appropriate for the context of false or inaccurate data.

16. "making scandals videos" -> "creating scandalous videos"
    Explanation: "Making scandals videos" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Creating scandalous videos" is grammatically correct and more precise.

17. "strong though" -> "strong thoughts"
    Explanation: "Strong though" is grammatically incorrect. "Strong thoughts" is the correct phrase, referring to the mental strength or resilience of the young.

18. "face to wrong doings" -> "face wrongdoing"
    Explanation: "Face to wrong doings" is grammatically incorrect. "Face wrongdoing" is the correct phrase, referring to the act of committing wrongs.

19. "I believed" -> "I believe"
    Explanation: "Believed" is the past tense, which is incorrect in this context as the essay is discussing ongoing or general truths. "Believe" is the correct form for expressing a general opinion.

20. "get information from them" -> "obtain information from them"
    Explanation: "Get" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Obtain" is more formal and precise, suitable for academic discourse.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the positive and negative impacts of famous people on the younger generation, which is a crucial aspect of the prompt. The writer presents arguments for both sides, discussing how celebrities can provide motivation and inspiration, as well as the potential negative consequences of their influence, such as unhealthy lifestyles and misleading behaviors. However, the introduction could more clearly outline the two perspectives, and the conclusion does not fully encapsulate the discussion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the introduction should explicitly state that the essay will discuss both positive and negative impacts. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs and restate the writer’s opinion more clearly, reinforcing the complexity of the issue.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer expresses a personal opinion that both positive and negative influences exist, which is a balanced approach. However, the position is somewhat muddled by grammatical errors and unclear phrasing, such as "I belive that there’re both positive and negative celebrities brings to the young." This affects the clarity of the stance throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that their opinion is stated clearly and concisely in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. Using straightforward language and avoiding convoluted sentences will help clarify their stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the positive influence of motivation through inspiring videos and the negative impact of unhealthy role models. However, the development of these ideas is sometimes weak. For example, the argument about the positive influence of celebrities lacks specific examples, and the negative impacts could benefit from more detailed explanations and evidence.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include specific examples of celebrities and their impacts, both positive and negative. Additionally, expanding on each point with more detailed explanations and possibly citing studies or statistics could enhance the argument’s credibility.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of famous people on the youth. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the mention of "misleading thoughts" and "scandals" could be more directly tied back to the overall impact on young people.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the influence of celebrities on youth. Using topic sentences that clearly link back to the main argument can help keep the discussion relevant and on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in clarity, development of ideas, and focus will help elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both positive and negative impacts, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the positive effects of role models to the negative effects feels abrupt. The argument about the positive influences of celebrities is somewhat diluted by the lack of a clear link between the points made. The use of phrases like "In addition to that" helps, but the overall connection between ideas could be more explicit.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas (e.g., "On the other hand," "Conversely") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas without clear delineation, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. The second body paragraph also lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point. Ensure that each subsequent sentence in the paragraph supports this main idea. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs to avoid overcrowding and enhance clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "In addition to that" and "However," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For instance, "the young" is mentioned frequently without variation, which can disrupt the flow. The use of cohesive devices could also be more varied to enhance the overall readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or paraphrasing to refer to "the young," such as "youth" or "young generation." Additionally, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "consequently," and "for instance," to create more fluid transitions between ideas. This will not only improve cohesion but also make the essay more engaging.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, enhancing the logical flow, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "good impact," "strong speak," and "inspiring videos" indicate an effort to use diverse vocabulary. However, the overall lexical range is limited, with frequent repetition of basic terms such as "young" and "famous people." Additionally, the phrase "the young" is used repeatedly without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "young," alternatives like "youth," "adolescents," or "teenagers" can be employed. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "role models," "influence," or "impact," would improve the essay’s lexical diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the young receive good effect from their idols" is awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "young people benefit from their idols." Similarly, "remains negative effects" should be corrected to "remain negative effects." The use of "strong speak" is also unclear and does not effectively convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "strong speak," consider "strong influence" or "powerful messages." Additionally, ensure that verbs agree with their subjects, as in "famous people remain negative effects" instead of "remains." Practicing paraphrasing and using contextually appropriate phrases can enhance precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Pepple" (should be "People"), "belive" (should be "believe"), "recieve" (should be "receive"), "entertain programs" (should be "entertainment programs"), "remains" (should be "remain"), and "hygiene health get terrific problems" (should be "hygiene and health problems"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help identify errors that may be overlooked when reading silently.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "Life is more complex and difficult because the cost of living has increase dramatically" are prevalent, and while there are some compound sentences, they often lack complexity. The use of phrases such as "the young have to learn and work full-time" shows an attempt at variety, but overall, the sentence structures are repetitive and often simplistic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the young have to learn and work full-time," the writer could say, "Although the young have to learn and work full-time, they can still find time to enjoy entertainment." Additionally, using varied sentence beginnings and incorporating different conjunctions can help create a more dynamic writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "belive" should be "believe," and "there’re" should be "there are." The phrase "the famous people have a strong speak" is incorrect; it should be "the famous people have a strong voice." Moreover, punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, hinder readability. For instance, "In addition to that, the famous people have a strong speak, that means they can teach the young how to get a better life by making inspiring videos" could be improved by removing the comma before "that."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing sentence structure variations and punctuation rules, such as the correct use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance overall clarity and correctness. Engaging with grammar exercises specifically targeting common errors can further solidify these skills.

In summary, to elevate the essay’s band score, the writer should work on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy. Regular practice and careful proofreading will be key to making these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

People have different views about whether or not famous individuals, like role models, have a positive impact on the younger generation. In my opinion, I believe that there are both positive and negative influences that celebrities bring to the youth.

There are three main reasons why it could be argued that young people receive a positive impact from their idols. Life is becoming more complex and difficult due to the dramatically increasing cost of living; therefore, young people have to learn and work full-time to sustain their lives. It will be a meaningful experience if they are able to enjoy entertaining programs on television or their laptops after a long, hard day, especially when these programs feature role models. In addition, famous individuals often deliver strong speeches, which means they can teach the youth how to improve their lives through inspiring videos. Thanks to such content, young people may feel more motivated to overcome procrastination and boost their ambition.

However, I would like to point out that famous people also have negative effects on the young. For instance, their diets, showcased in videos about how they maintain a body like supermodels, can lead young people to mimic unhealthy eating habits, resulting in eating disorders. This can lead to significant health problems. Furthermore, some celebrities promote misleading information by creating scandalous videos to achieve top trending status. Young individuals who lack strong judgment may face wrongdoing, which could lead to criticism, small fines, or even prison sentences.

In conclusion, while famous people can provide better inspiration to the young, I believe that the youth should remain alert and discerning when obtaining information from them.