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Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basis. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time walking.

Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basis. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time walking.

In recent years, there has been a noticeable trend where individuals are decreasing to walk regularly. This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors behind this problem before outlining several viable solutions that should be adopted to tackle it.

There are two primary reasons as to why there is a reduction in the number of people walking in this day and age. Firstly, the widespread use of technology has led to increased sedentary habits. Take the example of the prevalence of elevators in shopping centers or schools. The ease and convenience of using elevators encourage individuals to opt for the effortless option, foregoing the stairs. This shift towards convenience in daily activities, although time-saving, reduces the physical exertion that was once inherent in such tasks. As a consequence, the reliance on technological amenities fosters a sedentary lifestyle, diminishing the level of physical activity that was once an integral part of daily routines. Furthermore, the abuse of technology also makes people inadequately involved in physical activities. For instance, with the advent of smartphones, tablets, and computers, people find themselves immersed in a digital world, often at the expense of physical pursuits. This shift not only curtails the need for movement but also fosters a culture of convenience that prioritizes technology over physical effort.

To combat this worrying issue, the following essential steps should be taken. One approach is that a practical approach to reducing the reliance on technology-induced laziness is to limit the use of elevators. Implementing measures that discourage the use of elevators in structures with fewer floors encourages individuals to opt for stairs. As a result, this small change in the built environment can lead to increased physical activity, as taking stairs becomes a more common and accessible option. Another measure is that the government could play a vital role in addressing the issue by investing in infrastructure that facilitates physical activity. To be specific, allocating funds for the construction of recreational spaces, parks, and sports facilities provides citizens with accessible and enticing options for physical engagement. Therefore, by fostering a culture of physical activity, governments contribute to mitigating the adverse effects of technological convenience on human laziness.

In conclusion, there are some underlying motives behind this negative perception of local residents on walking routines, and it is crucial that the aforementioned measures be implemented to change this oppositional perspective.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there has been a noticeable trend where individuals are decreasing to walk regularly" -> "there has been a noticeable trend of individuals reducing regular walking"
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and clarity. The improved version rephrases it to convey the idea more succinctly and accurately.

  2. "This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors behind this problem" -> "This essay aims to elucidate the underlying factors contributing to this issue."
    Explanation: The improved version uses more formal language ("elucidate" instead of "shed light on") and provides a clearer expression of the essay’s purpose.

  3. "There are two primary reasons as to why there is a reduction in the number of people walking in this day and age." -> "Two primary reasons account for the reduction in the number of people walking in contemporary society."
    Explanation: The improved version eliminates unnecessary words and phrases while maintaining a formal tone.

  4. "Take the example of the prevalence of elevators in shopping centers or schools." -> "Consider the prevalence of elevators in shopping centers or schools."
    Explanation: "Take the example of" is replaced with "Consider," which is a more formal and precise way to introduce an example.

  5. "encourage individuals to opt for the effortless option" -> "encourage individuals to choose the more convenient option"
    Explanation: The improved version uses "choose" instead of "opt for" for a more formal tone, and "convenient" instead of "effortless" to better convey the idea.

  6. "This shift towards convenience in daily activities, although time-saving, reduces the physical exertion that was once inherent in such tasks." -> "This shift towards convenience in daily activities, while time-saving, diminishes the physical exertion that was once integral to such tasks."
    Explanation: The improved version enhances the formal tone by using more precise language ("diminishes" instead of "reduces") and avoids repetition ("inherent" instead of "integral").

  7. "Furthermore, the abuse of technology also makes people inadequately involved in physical activities." -> "Moreover, the overuse of technology hinders people from actively engaging in physical activities."
    Explanation: The improved version replaces "abuse" with "overuse" for a more accurate description, and "inadequately involved" with "hinders from actively engaging" for a clearer expression.

  8. "Implementing measures that discourage the use of elevators in structures with fewer floors encourages individuals to opt for stairs." -> "Implementing measures to discourage elevator use in buildings with fewer floors promotes the choice of stairs by individuals."
    Explanation: The improved version rephrases the sentence for clarity and uses more formal language ("promotes the choice of stairs" instead of "encourages individuals to opt for stairs").

  9. "Another measure is that the government could play a vital role in addressing the issue" -> "Another measure involves the government playing a crucial role in addressing the issue."
    Explanation: The improved version uses a more concise and direct expression, avoiding unnecessary words.

  10. "it is crucial that the aforementioned measures be implemented to change this oppositional perspective." -> "it is crucial to implement the aforementioned measures to alter this opposing viewpoint."
    Explanation: The improved version replaces "be implemented to change" with "to implement…to alter" for a more direct and concise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt – it identifies the reasons for the decline in walking and proposes solutions. The writer discusses the impact of technology on sedentary behavior and suggests measures to encourage walking.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples of technology-induced sedentary behavior and explore a broader range of solutions.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently emphasizing the negative impact of technology on walking habits and proposing solutions to counter this trend.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the thesis statement is explicitly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion for stronger coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas logically, discussing the impact of technology on walking and proposing measures to address the issue. However, some points could be extended for a more comprehensive exploration.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on the consequences of reduced physical activity, providing more details on the benefits of walking and the potential drawbacks of a sedentary lifestyle.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by focusing on the reasons for the decline in walking and suggesting solutions. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more concise.
    • How to improve: Avoid unnecessary details that do not directly contribute to the main argument. Streamline the content to maintain a tighter focus on the central theme.

Overall Comments:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a thorough analysis of the reasons for the decline in walking and proposing viable solutions. To improve, consider adding more specific examples, reinforcing the thesis throughout the essay, extending certain points for a more in-depth exploration, and maintaining conciseness by avoiding unnecessary details. The writer demonstrates a strong command of language and organization, contributing to the coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons, and proposed solutions, and a conclusion. The logical flow is maintained throughout the essay, making it easy to follow the writer’s line of thought. The reasons for the decline in walking and proposed solutions are presented in a systematic manner.
    • How to improve: While the logical organization is generally effective, the essay could benefit from stronger transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall coherence. Ensure that the connections between ideas are explicitly stated to guide the reader through the essay smoothly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect – reasons for the decline in walking and proposed solutions – contributing to a clear and organized structure.
    • How to improve: Consider refining the introduction and conclusion paragraphs to provide a more succinct overview of the essay’s main points. A concise summary at the beginning and a strong concluding statement would enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. These cohesive devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the essay does employ cohesive devices effectively, there’s room to incorporate more advanced linking words and phrases to enhance the sophistication of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistent usage of cohesive devices to maintain a smooth and seamless flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. To elevate the score, focus on strengthening transitional elements, providing a more concise introduction and conclusion, and incorporating a wider range of advanced cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "sedentary," "prevalence," "immersing," and "advent." However, there is room for improvement as certain ideas are expressed with somewhat repetitive vocabulary. For instance, the frequent use of the term "technological convenience" could be diversified to enhance the lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To further enrich your vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions for key concepts. For example, instead of consistently using "technological convenience," experiment with phrases like "digital ease" or "technological facilitation." This subtle change can elevate the lexical diversity of your essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with a moderate degree of precision. However, there are instances where words could be chosen more judiciously. For example, in the sentence "implementing measures that discourage the use of elevators," the term "discourage" might not precisely convey the intended meaning. A more fitting word, such as "dissuade" or "inhibit," could enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Carefully choose words that precisely capture the nuances of your ideas. In this case, consider using synonyms that align more closely with the specific action you are advocating. For instance, "implementing measures that dissuade the use of elevators" or "inhibiting the use of elevators" can convey a clearer sense of purpose.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where there are minor errors, such as "decreasing to walk" (should be "decreasingly walking") and "oppositional perspective" (a less common construction compared to "opposing perspective").
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your essay meticulously. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structures to ensure coherence and grammatical accuracy. Reading your work aloud or asking someone else to review it can help identify and rectify these minor spelling issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, focusing on diversification and precision, along with meticulous proofreading for minor errors, can further elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable variety of sentence structures. It effectively employs complex and compound sentences, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay. For example, the essay employs a mix of dependent and independent clauses, such as "Take the example of the prevalence of elevators in shopping centers or schools," showcasing the ability to structure sentences in diverse ways.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as the use of relative clauses or conditional sentences. This can elevate the sophistication of the writing and demonstrate a more advanced command of English grammar.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. Most sentences are grammatically sound, and punctuation is generally used appropriately. An example of accurate punctuation is, "To be specific, allocating funds for the construction of recreational spaces, parks, and sports facilities provides citizens with accessible and enticing options for physical engagement."
    • How to improve: While the essay is generally well-structured, there are occasional lapses in parallelism, such as in the sentence, "To combat this worrying issue, the following essential steps should be taken." It would be advisable to maintain consistency in sentence structures for better clarity. Additionally, there are a few instances where articles are missing or used incorrectly, e.g., "This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors behind this problem," could be improved to "This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors behind this issue." Paying closer attention to article usage will enhance overall grammatical accuracy.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and punctuation, contributing to a cohesive and coherent piece. To reach a higher band score, focus on incorporating more sophisticated sentence structures and ensuring consistent and accurate use of articles throughout the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, a noticeable trend has emerged where individuals are gradually reducing their regular walking habits. This essay aims to uncover the key factors contributing to this issue while proposing practical solutions to address it.

Two primary reasons account for the decline in the number of people walking in contemporary society. Firstly, the widespread use of technology has led to increased sedentary habits. Consider the prevalence of elevators in shopping centers or schools. The ease and convenience of elevators often prompt individuals to choose the effortless option, neglecting the stairs. This shift towards convenience, though time-saving, diminishes the physical exertion once inherent in such tasks. Consequently, reliance on technological amenities fosters a sedentary lifestyle, reducing the physical activity that was once an integral part of daily routines. Moreover, the overuse of technology hinders people from actively engaging in physical activities. With the advent of smartphones, tablets, and computers, individuals often immerse themselves in a digital world, neglecting physical pursuits. This not only curtails the need for movement but also fosters a culture of convenience that prioritizes technology over physical effort.

To address this issue, it is essential to take practical measures. One approach is to discourage the use of elevators in buildings with fewer floors, thereby promoting the choice of stairs by individuals. This simple change in the built environment can lead to increased physical activity, making stairs a more common and accessible option. Another measure involves the government playing a crucial role in tackling the issue. Specifically, investing in infrastructure that facilitates physical activity, such as recreational spaces, parks, and sports facilities, provides citizens with accessible and appealing options for physical engagement. By fostering a culture of physical activity, governments contribute to mitigating the adverse effects of technological convenience on human laziness.

In conclusion, the reduction in regular walking habits is influenced by the prevalence of technology and its impact on sedentary lifestyles. Implementing the aforementioned measures is crucial to change this negative perspective, encouraging individuals to embrace a more active and healthy lifestyle.

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