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Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The rising economic sphere has raised opinions of including financial-related curriculum as a compulsory discipline in educational settings as to become a preparation for the youth to adjust their expenditure reasonably. I do agree with this perspective; however, finance subjects should be an optional inclusion instead of being mandatory.

It is undeniable that the benefits of finance-related subjects lie in the useful knowledge and skills imparted to students, positively contributing to their personal lives and the society as a whole. It is evident that young children need to be taught about the essential value of money, assisting them to display respect to the money they gain from their parents on a daily basis. Moreover, these lessons can provide them methods to effectively manage their monetary resources and establish their own budgets, benefiting them in the future. Regarding a larger scale, by obtaining and applying this knowledge, students can make a contribution to economic prosperity. From the financial budgets that they create at the early phase, they can utilize them to invest in different national sectors such as healthcare service, or infrastructure.

Nevertheless, despite being important, financial education should not be regarded as mandatory at schools due to its potential drawbacks. First of all, students seem to be stressed with the current number of academic subjects at schools. If financial disciplines are made compulsory, the attention of students might diverge and drain is inevitable, resulting in low academic performances. It is believed that financial disciplines would be better to make it optional or compulsory at a specific educational level like university students, who are likely to be financially independent and acquire in-depth knowledge more efficiently.

In conclusion, the advantages of financial education are never in doubt; however, compulsory inclusion in curriculum is not a reasonable option for young learners due to the academic framework they have to encounter in these days. Hence, it would be better if this area is made to be optional if it is taught to the youth.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "opinions of including" -> "advocacy for the inclusion of"
    Explanation: Replacing "opinions of including" with "advocacy for the inclusion of" adds formality and precision to the sentence, aligning with academic style.

  2. "to become a preparation" -> "as a preparation"
    Explanation: Changing "to become a preparation" to "as a preparation" enhances the coherence of the sentence, making it more concise and academically appropriate.

  3. "adjust their expenditure reasonably" -> "manage their finances judiciously"
    Explanation: Substituting "adjust their expenditure reasonably" with "manage their finances judiciously" introduces a more formal and precise expression, suitable for academic writing.

  4. "I do agree" -> "I concur"
    Explanation: Replacing "I do agree" with "I concur" elevates the level of formality and sophistication in expressing agreement within an academic context.

  5. "finance subjects" -> "financial subjects"
    Explanation: Changing "finance subjects" to "financial subjects" is a more precise term, maintaining clarity and aligning with academic terminology.

  6. "undeniable that the benefits" -> "undeniably, the advantages"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "undeniably, the advantages" improves the flow and formality, emphasizing the certainty of the benefits of financial education.

  7. "young children" -> "young individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "young children" with "young individuals" broadens the scope and avoids potential ambiguity, adhering to a more inclusive and formal language.

  8. "display respect to the money" -> "demonstrate respect for their finances"
    Explanation: Changing "display respect to the money" to "demonstrate respect for their finances" provides a more sophisticated and formal expression.

  9. "monetary resources" -> "financial resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "monetary resources" with "financial resources" is a more precise and academically appropriate term.

  10. "Regarding a larger scale" -> "On a broader scale"
    Explanation: Substituting "Regarding a larger scale" with "On a broader scale" improves the transition between ideas and maintains a formal tone.

  11. "make a contribution" -> "contribute"
    Explanation: Simplifying "make a contribution" to "contribute" retains clarity while aligning with a more concise academic style.

  12. "from the financial budgets" -> "through the financial plans"
    Explanation: Changing "from the financial budgets" to "through the financial plans" provides a more accurate and formal expression.

  13. "Nevertheless, despite being important" -> "However, despite its significance"
    Explanation: Substituting "Nevertheless, despite being important" with "However, despite its significance" enhances the coherence and formality of the transition.

  14. "students seem to be stressed with" -> "students appear overwhelmed by"
    Explanation: Replacing "students seem to be stressed with" with "students appear overwhelmed by" introduces a more formal and precise expression.

  15. "diverge and drain is inevitable" -> "diverge, and a decline is inevitable"
    Explanation: Enhancing "diverge and drain is inevitable" to "diverge, and a decline is inevitable" maintains parallelism and clarity.

  16. "financial disciplines" -> "financial subjects"
    Explanation: Changing "financial disciplines" to "financial subjects" is a more appropriate term within an academic context.

  17. "make it optional or compulsory" -> "be optional or mandatory"
    Explanation: Substituting "make it optional or compulsory" with "be optional or mandatory" improves the precision and clarity of the statement.

  18. "educational level like university students" -> "educational level, such as university students"
    Explanation: Adding "such as" before "university students" improves the specificity and formality of the expression.

  19. "financially independent and acquire" -> "financially independent and acquire"
    Explanation: Retaining "financially independent and acquire" as it is, as it already conveys the intended meaning effectively.

  20. "advantages of financial education are never in doubt" -> "benefits of financial education are indisputable"
    Explanation: Changing "advantages of financial education are never in doubt" to "benefits of financial education are indisputable" introduces a more assertive and formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a response to the prompt by expressing agreement with the idea of including financial education in schools. However, the response is somewhat nuanced, suggesting that it should be optional rather than mandatory. The essay analyzes the benefits of financial education, emphasizing its positive impact on personal and societal levels. Nevertheless, it doesn’t fully address the "extent" to which the writer agrees or disagrees.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should explicitly state the degree of agreement or disagreement. Additionally, a more detailed analysis of the prompt and a precise thesis statement could strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by expressing agreement with the inclusion of financial education. However, the nuance in suggesting it should be optional introduces a minor inconsistency in the stance. The essay could benefit from a more explicit and consistent position, either fully supporting or opposing mandatory financial education.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should refine and solidify their position, avoiding ambiguous statements that may undermine the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, with a clear structure. It elaborates on the benefits of financial education, emphasizing personal and societal advantages. However, some ideas lack depth and specific examples. For instance, when discussing the societal impact, the essay briefly mentions investing in national sectors without providing concrete examples.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should incorporate more specific examples and elaborate further on certain points. Providing detailed instances of how financial education can contribute to economic growth would strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and drawbacks of including financial education in schools. However, there is a slight deviation when addressing stress levels of students. While stress is a relevant concern, it may divert from the main focus on the topic.
    • How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should ensure that each point made directly contributes to the central argument. If discussing stress, it should be tied explicitly to the impact of mandatory financial education on students.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt but could benefit from refining its thesis statement, maintaining a consistent position, providing more specific examples, and ensuring that each point contributes directly to the central argument. These improvements would elevate the overall coherence and strength of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a coherent structure, presenting arguments in favor of financial education and addressing potential drawbacks. However, there is room for improvement in the clarity of the argument progression. For instance, the transition between the benefits of financial education and the drawbacks could be smoother. Additionally, the conclusion could restate the main points more explicitly to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs, especially when shifting from discussing benefits to potential drawbacks. In the conclusion, reiterate key points to reinforce the essay’s coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from greater development and elaboration. For example, the paragraph discussing potential drawbacks of mandatory financial education could be expanded to provide more nuanced insights.
    • How to improve: Work on enhancing paragraph development by providing more detailed examples and explanations within each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression of ideas. Consider expanding on potential drawbacks to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a reasonable range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices. Some transitions between sentences and paragraphs are abrupt, affecting the overall smoothness of the essay.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to create a smoother and more coherent flow. Introduce a wider range of transition words and phrases to link ideas within sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each transition serves to connect ideas logically and maintain the overall coherence of the essay. Practice using cohesive devices to create a seamless narrative.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization, paragraph development, and use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It employs varied terms such as "economic sphere," "monetary resources," "academic subjects," and "financial disciplines." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further to enhance precision and depth.
    • How to improve: To augment the lexical variety, consider incorporating more specialized terms related to finance and education. For instance, instead of using the general term "academic subjects," employ more specific terms like "core curriculum" or "subject areas." This will add nuance to your expression.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. For example, the term "financial budgets" might be considered redundant, as budgets inherently relate to finances. Additionally, the phrase "academic performances" could be more precisely expressed.
    • How to improve: Strive for more concise and precise language. For instance, replace "financial budgets" with just "budgets" and consider using a term like "scholastic achievements" instead of "academic performances."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of spelling accuracy, with no apparent errors observed.
    • How to improve: Maintain this high standard by consistently proofreading your work. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any potential errors. Continue cultivating a vigilant eye for detail to uphold spelling accuracy.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a satisfactory command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of precision and variety. Additionally, the commendable spelling accuracy should be consistently maintained through thorough proofreading. Striving for more nuanced expressions and incorporating specialized terms related to finance and education will elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is evidence of both simple and complex structures, the variety could be expanded for a more sophisticated expression. For instance, there is a prevalence of compound sentences, and some complex structures are used repetitively.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth to your ideas. Varying the length and structure of sentences can contribute to a more engaging and nuanced expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only occasional errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and article usage could be refined. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but some commas are incorrectly placed or missing. For example, in the sentence "It is evident that young children need to be taught about the essential value of money, assisting them to display respect to the money," there is a subject-verb agreement issue with "assisting."
    • How to improve: Review and revise for subject-verb agreement, particularly in complex sentences. Additionally, pay close attention to the use of articles. Regarding punctuation, ensure consistency and correctness, especially with commas. For instance, in the sentence "From the financial budgets that they create at the early phase, they can utilize them to invest in different national sectors," the comma placement after "phase" is unnecessary.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a sound command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining specific grammatical elements. Incorporating these suggestions will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing discourse on the economic landscape has prompted discussions about the advocacy for the inclusion of financial education in school curricula as a preparation for young individuals to manage their finances judiciously. I concur with this perspective; however, financial subjects should be optional rather than mandatory.

Undeniably, the advantages of finance-related subjects lie in the valuable knowledge and skills imparted to students, positively contributing to their personal lives and society as a whole. It is evident that young individuals need to be taught about the essential value of money, assisting them in demonstrating respect for the finances they receive from their parents daily. Moreover, these lessons can provide them with methods to effectively manage their financial resources and establish their own budgets, benefiting them in the future. On a broader scale, through the financial plans they create at an early stage, students can contribute to economic prosperity by investing in different national sectors such as healthcare services or infrastructure.

However, despite its significance, financial education should not be regarded as mandatory in schools due to its potential drawbacks. Students appear overwhelmed by the current number of academic subjects, and if financial subjects become compulsory, their attention might diverge, leading to an inevitable decline in academic performance. It is believed that financial disciplines would be better if they were optional or mandatory at a specific educational level, such as university students, who are likely to be financially independent and acquire in-depth knowledge more efficiently.

In conclusion, the benefits of financial education are indisputable; however, making it a compulsory part of the curriculum is not a reasonable option for young learners considering the academic framework they currently face. Hence, it would be better if this area is made optional when taught to the youth.

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