Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The rising economic sphere has raised opinions of including financial-related curriculum as a compulsory discipline in educational settings as to become a preparation for the youth to adjust their expenditure reasonably. I do agree with this perspective; however, finance subjects should be an optional inclusion instead of being mandatory.
It is undeniable that the benefits of finance-related subjects lie in the useful knowledge and skills imparted to students, positively contributing to their personal lives and the society as a whole. It is evident that young children need to be taught about the essential value of money, assisting them to display respect to the money they gain from their parents on a daily basis. Moreover, these lessons can provide them methods to effectively manage their monetary resources and establish their own budgets, benefiting them in the future. Regarding a larger scale, by obtaining and applying this knowledge, students can make a contribution to economic prosperity. From the financial budgets that they create at the early phase, they can utilize them to invest in different national sectors such as healthcare service, or infrastructure.
Nevertheless, despite being important, financial education should not be regarded as mandatory at schools due to its potential drawbacks. First of all, students seem to be stressed with the current number of academic subjects at schools. If financial disciplines are made compulsory, the attention of students might diverge and drain is inevitable, resulting in low academic performances. It is believed that financial disciplines would be better to make it optional or compulsory at a specific educational level like university students, who are likely to be financially independent and acquire in-depth knowledge more efficiently.
In conclusion, the advantages of financial education are never in doubt; however, compulsory inclusion in curriculum is not a reasonable option for young learners due to the academic framework they have to encounter in these days. Hence, it would be better if this area is made to be optional if it is taught to the youth.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"opinions of including" -> "advocacy for the inclusion"
Explanation: Replacing "opinions of including" with "advocacy for the inclusion" adds formality to the sentence and emphasizes a more deliberate endorsement for incorporating financial-related curriculum.
"adjust their expenditure reasonably" -> "manage their finances prudently"
Explanation: The phrase "adjust their expenditure reasonably" is somewhat informal. "Manage their finances prudently" is a more sophisticated and precise alternative that aligns with academic tone.
"I do agree" -> "I concur"
Explanation: "I do agree" is slightly informal. "I concur" is a more formal and academically appropriate expression of agreement.
"benefits of finance-related subjects" -> "advantages of subjects related to finance"
Explanation: "Benefits of finance-related subjects" can be refined to "advantages of subjects related to finance" for a more formal and academic tone.
"display respect to the money" -> "demonstrate respect for financial resources"
Explanation: "Display respect to the money" is informal. "Demonstrate respect for financial resources" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"establish their own budgets" -> "formulate their personal budgets"
Explanation: "Establish their own budgets" can be replaced with "formulate their personal budgets" to enhance precision and formality.
"By obtaining and applying this knowledge" -> "Through acquiring and applying this knowledge"
Explanation: "By obtaining and applying this knowledge" can be refined to "Through acquiring and applying this knowledge" for a more formal and academic expression.
"utilize them to invest in different national sectors" -> "deploy them for investments in various national sectors"
Explanation: "Utilize them to invest in different national sectors" can be replaced with "Deploy them for investments in various national sectors" for a more formal and refined language.
"despite being important" -> "notwithstanding its significance"
Explanation: "Despite being important" can be replaced with "Notwithstanding its significance" for a more formal and academic tone.
"drain is inevitable" -> "depletion is inevitable"
Explanation: "Drain is inevitable" can be replaced with "Depletion is inevitable" for a more formal and precise term in an academic context.
"financially independent and acquire in-depth knowledge more efficiently" -> "financially independent and acquire a deeper understanding more efficiently"
Explanation: "Acquire in-depth knowledge more efficiently" can be refined to "Acquire a deeper understanding more efficiently" for better clarity and formality.
"the advantages of financial education are never in doubt" -> "the benefits of financial education are indisputable"
Explanation: "The advantages of financial education are never in doubt" can be replaced with "The benefits of financial education are indisputable" for a more formal and assertive expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a response to the prompt by presenting both agreement and disagreement with the idea of making financial education mandatory. However, the response could be more comprehensive. While the essay addresses the benefits of financial education, it doesn’t fully explore the potential drawbacks, as it briefly mentions stress and low academic performance without detailed development.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should delve deeper into the potential drawbacks of mandatory financial education, considering various perspectives and providing more concrete examples.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance, expressing agreement with the inclusion of financial education but suggesting it should be optional. The position is consistent throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen this element, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a coherent manner, discussing the benefits of financial education and briefly touching on the drawbacks. However, some points lack in-depth development, and examples are somewhat limited.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more specific examples and expand on the drawbacks, offering a nuanced discussion to fully support the ideas presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but briefly deviates when discussing stress and low academic performance without a clear connection to the main theme. The inclusion of these points could be more effectively integrated into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should ensure that every point made is directly relevant to the main argument, avoiding tangential discussions that may distract from the core message.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively communicates its position and presents some supporting ideas, there is room for improvement in addressing all aspects of the prompt, providing more detailed support for arguments, and maintaining a more focused discussion. A more thorough exploration of both sides of the argument would enhance the overall depth and balance of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic and the author’s stance. Body paragraphs follow a clear structure, presenting arguments both in favor of and against financial education. The conclusion summarizes the main points. However, the transitions between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion could be smoother for a more seamless flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between sections. Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis statement. Consider using transition words or phrases to guide the reader through the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the structure within paragraphs can be refined for greater clarity. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better separated for a more organized presentation.
- How to improve: Refine paragraph structure by focusing on a single idea per paragraph. This will improve clarity and help readers follow the argument more easily. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that aligns with the overall thesis.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "however," "moreover," "nevertheless"). While these contribute to coherence, diversifying and expanding the use of cohesive devices could strengthen the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to create stronger connections between ideas. Utilize a variety of transition words and phrases to signal relationships between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall flow and coherence of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid level of coherence and cohesion. Improvements in transition sentences, refined paragraph structure, and increased diversity in cohesive devices can contribute to a more polished and logically organized essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate various terms related to finance and education, but the selection lacks diversity. For example, the repetition of phrases like "financial disciplines" could be avoided by exploring alternative expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider introducing synonyms and exploring different ways to express ideas. Utilize a thesaurus to identify alternative terms and experiment with more varied language to make the essay more engaging.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally clear, but there are instances where the meaning could be more precise. For example, the phrase "adjust their expenditure reasonably" could be more specific, perhaps by stating "manage their finances prudently."
- How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Revisit sentences to ensure that each word is the best fit for expressing your ideas. Be cautious of vague or broad language and opt for terms that provide clarity and specificity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay. However, there are a few instances where minor errors are present, such as "drain is inevitable," where "drainage" might be intended.
- How to improve: While overall spelling is satisfactory, a careful proofreading can help catch and correct minor errors. Utilize spell-check tools and dedicate time to reviewing the essay to ensure flawless spelling. Additionally, pay attention to word choice to avoid unintentional spelling errors.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, but improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and meticulous proofreading can contribute to a more refined and impactful piece.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence structure diversity. The essay tends to rely on straightforward sentence structures, which may affect the overall fluency and complexity of the writing. For instance, more complex structures, such as inversion or conditional sentences, could be incorporated to enhance the richness of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more varied sentence structures. For instance, try using inversion for emphasis (e.g., "Not only should financial education be informative, but it should also be engaging"), or experiment with different conditional sentence forms (e.g., "If financial disciplines were made optional, students might find it more engaging").
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors that impact clarity. For example, in the sentence "It is evident that young children need to be taught about the essential value of money, assisting them to display respect to the money they gain from their parents on a daily basis," the phrase "assisting them to display respect" could be revised for clarity. Additionally, there are some minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases or conjunctions in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to sentence structures and ensure that each part of the sentence is clear and logically connected. Review the use of commas, especially before introductory phrases or conjunctions in compound sentences. For example, rephrase the mentioned sentence as: "It is evident that young children need to be taught about the essential value of money, which assists them in displaying respect for the money they gain from their parents on a daily basis."
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation, incorporating more varied sentence structures and refining certain grammatical constructions can elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The ongoing discussions about integrating financial education into the school curriculum to equip students with effective money management skills have gained momentum. I concur with this advocacy for the inclusion of finance-related subjects; however, I believe that making them optional rather than mandatory would be more prudent.
The advantages of subjects related to finance are indisputable, as they provide students with valuable knowledge and skills that positively impact both their personal lives and society as a whole. It is undeniable that young children need to understand the essential value of money, enabling them to demonstrate respect for the financial resources they receive from their parents on a daily basis. Additionally, these lessons empower them to manage their finances prudently and formulate personal budgets, skills that will benefit them in the future. Moreover, through acquiring and applying this knowledge, students can deploy their financial resources for investments in various national sectors such as healthcare services or infrastructure, contributing to economic prosperity.
Notwithstanding its significance, financial education should not be deemed mandatory in schools, considering its potential drawbacks. Firstly, students already face stress due to the existing number of academic subjects. Making financial disciplines compulsory may divert their attention, leading to inevitable depletion in academic performance. It is believed that financial disciplines would be more suitable as an optional or compulsory subject at a specific educational level, such as university students who are more likely to be financially independent and can acquire a deeper understanding more efficiently.
In conclusion, while the benefits of financial education are indisputable, insisting on its compulsory inclusion in the curriculum may not be a reasonable option for young learners within the current academic framework. Therefore, making financial education optional for the youth could be a more practical approach, allowing them to choose based on their individual interests and needs.