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For a long time, art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. Why is this the case? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

For a long time, art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts.
Why is this the case?
What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

The values of arts have withstood the test of time and are one of the fundamental elements that distinguish human beings from other living creatures. Nonetheless, it is ineluctable that modern society has a tendency to prioritize science, technology and business over their artistic counterparts. This essay will discuss the reasons underlying this trend and subsequently suggest some measures that can be taken to alleviate its effects.
On the one hand, the shift to a preference for business and technology over arts can be attributable to several factors. One of these is the surging trend of materialism resulting from the fact that surging demands for money in modern society have triggered a common belief that gaining money should be put on the top agenda as a means of survival rather than the cultures of arts, which they are intangible, thereby peripheral. The rise in the figures for economic course sold is a prime example. Specifically, young people may have a knack for spending their money on things that potentially bring about superficial profits instead of music albums that contain an enormous influx of creativity. Another key point to make is that people tend to bias what seems more relevant and essential to their lives, and there is no exception in the case of technology. In fact, some of the contemporary means of communication such as mobile phone or social media, which has become indispensable to life, are all the technological advent of this century. Therefore, it is totally understandable why citizens of this era put technological devices on a top priority.

On the flip side, there are a few approaches that can utilized for sake of promoting artistic values. One remedy that is noteworthy is educators should help to spread the significance of different aspects of arts to life. For instance, students should be provided with free or discounted tickets to take part in the exhibition of arts. Another crucial solution of concern is that the field of arts should change from some typically tedious to more approachable and cater to a wider range of audiences, albeit avoid being blended with anti-artistic values. An instance that has been proved to achieve success in this approach is the series of Vincent Van Gogh art exhibitions in South East Asian countries. By participating in these events, attendants are offered the immersion of arts in real life while being intertwined in the multisensory experience of arts by Vicent Vangogh.

By way of conclusion, despite notwithstanding the motivation underlying the priority of technology and business over arts, I believe that several measures such as the promotion of arts at school, or improving and renovating the old boring approach of artistic projects to modern society would eliminate the drawbacks that emerge from the aforementioned trend.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "values of arts" -> "artistic values"
    Explanation: Replacing "values of arts" with "artistic values" is more precise and aligns with academic language, emphasizing the cultural and aesthetic aspects of the arts.

  2. "it is ineluctable" -> "it is inevitable"
    Explanation: Substituting "ineluctable" with "inevitable" maintains formality while using a more commonly understood term, enhancing clarity in academic writing.

  3. "arts can be attributable" -> "preference for business and technology over the arts can be attributed"
    Explanation: Expanding and clarifying the phrase to "preference for business and technology over the arts can be attributed" improves precision and aligns with formal language.

  4. "surging trend of materialism" -> "surge in materialistic tendencies"
    Explanation: Restructuring to "surge in materialistic tendencies" provides a clearer and more concise expression, avoiding redundancy.

  5. "put on the top agenda" -> "prioritize"
    Explanation: Replacing "put on the top agenda" with "prioritize" streamlines the expression, making it more concise and academically appropriate.

  6. "they are intangible, thereby peripheral" -> "as they are intangible and considered peripheral"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "as they are intangible and considered peripheral" improves coherence and clarity, maintaining a formal tone.

  7. "figures for economic course sold" -> "sales figures for economic courses"
    Explanation: Changing "figures for economic course sold" to "sales figures for economic courses" corrects the phrasing, providing a more accurate representation of the intended meaning.

  8. "have a knack for spending" -> "tend to allocate their funds"
    Explanation: Substituting "have a knack for spending" with "tend to allocate their funds" enhances formality and precision in describing the financial choices of young people.

  9. "all the technological advent" -> "represent technological advancements"
    Explanation: Changing "all the technological advent" to "represent technological advancements" improves accuracy and formality in conveying the idea of technological progress.

  10. "there are a few approaches that can utilized" -> "several approaches that can be utilized"
    Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "several approaches that can be utilized" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  11. "for sake of promoting" -> "for the purpose of promoting"
    Explanation: Substituting "for sake of promoting" with "for the purpose of promoting" enhances formality and precision in academic writing.

  12. "Vincent Van Gogh art exhibitions" -> "exhibitions featuring works by Vincent Van Gogh"
    Explanation: Reframing "Vincent Van Gogh art exhibitions" as "exhibitions featuring works by Vincent Van Gogh" provides a more detailed and formal description.

  13. "attendents" -> "attendees"
    Explanation: Correcting "attendents" to "attendees" ensures the use of the appropriate term for individuals participating in events, maintaining a formal register.

  14. "the drawbacks that emerge from the aforementioned trend" -> "address the drawbacks associated with the aforementioned trend"
    Explanation: Rewording to "address the drawbacks associated with the aforementioned trend" provides a more formal and comprehensive conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Nonetheless, it is ineluctable that modern society has a tendency to prioritize science, technology and business over their artistic counterparts."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction is clear in presenting the shift in societal values towards prioritizing science, technology, and business over arts. However, it would be beneficial to briefly outline the main reasons or factors contributing to this shift. This would provide a roadmap for your readers and enhance the overall structure of your essay.
    • Improved example: "Nonetheless, it is ineluctable that modern society has a tendency to prioritize science, technology, and business over their artistic counterparts due to the increasing influence of materialism, changing perceptions of value, and the pervasive role of technology in daily life."
  2. Quoted text: "The rise in the figures for economic course sold is a prime example. Specifically, young people may have a knack for spending their money on things that potentially bring about superficial profits instead of music albums that contain an enormous influx of creativity."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about the economic courses and the preference for superficial profits over creative endeavors is well-taken. However, the connection between economic courses and the neglect of music albums could be made clearer. Provide more explicit examples or reasons to support this claim.
    • Improved example: "The surge in sales of economic courses exemplifies this trend. Specifically, young individuals may prioritize investing in courses promising quick financial returns over purchasing music albums, which, despite containing a wealth of creativity, do not promise immediate economic benefits."
  3. Quoted text: "Another key point to make is that people tend to bias what seems more relevant and essential to their lives, and there is no exception in the case of technology."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument about people prioritizing what is relevant to their lives is valid. However, it would strengthen your point if you provided a concrete example illustrating how technology is perceived as more relevant and essential. This will make your argument more persuasive and relatable.
    • Improved example: "Another key point to make is that people tend to bias what seems more relevant and essential to their lives, and there is no exception in the case of technology. For instance, the ubiquitous use of smartphones for communication and access to information has become an integral part of daily life, reinforcing the perceived importance of technology."
  4. Quoted text: "On the flip side, there are a few approaches that can be utilized for the sake of promoting artistic values."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your transition to discussing solutions is clear, but it would be beneficial to provide a concise preview of the specific approaches you will elaborate on. This will enhance the coherence of your essay and prepare the reader for the upcoming discussion.
    • Improved example: "On the flip side, there are a few approaches that can be utilized for the sake of promoting artistic values. In the following paragraphs, I will explore solutions such as enhancing arts education in schools and making artistic events more accessible to a wider audience."
  5. Quoted text: "For instance, students should be provided with free or discounted tickets to take part in the exhibition of arts."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your suggestion to provide students with free or discounted tickets is valid, but it would be more impactful if you explained why this would be effective. Additionally, consider providing a brief example or anecdote to illustrate how such initiatives have succeeded in the past.
    • Improved example: "For instance, students should be provided with free or discounted tickets to take part in the exhibition of arts. This not only makes artistic experiences more accessible to students but also fosters a direct engagement with creativity, potentially sparking a lifelong appreciation for the arts. In countries like XYZ, a similar initiative led to a significant increase in student attendance at art exhibitions."
  6. Quoted text: "By participating in these events, attendants are offered the immersion of arts in real life while being intertwined in the multisensory experience of arts by Vincent Van Gogh."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your example of Vincent Van Gogh art exhibitions is strong, but it would be more effective if you provided specific details about the success of these events. Include information on increased attendance, positive feedback, or any measurable impact on the community.
    • Improved example: "By participating in these events, attendants are offered the immersion of arts in real life while being intertwined in the multisensory experience of arts by Vincent Van Gogh. In cities like ABC, where similar exhibitions took place, there was a notable surge in attendance, with a diverse audience expressing heightened interest in various forms of art, indicating the effectiveness of this approach."

Overall, your essay addresses all parts of the task, and your position on the topic is evident. However, enhancing the clarity of your arguments, providing more concrete examples, and structuring your essay with a clearer roadmap would further strengthen your response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent and organized structure. The introduction clearly presents the topic, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression of ideas. The writer attempts to use cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical. Some paragraphing is logical, but it is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. Additionally, there are instances of vague referencing and a lack of clear transitions, impacting overall cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesive Devices: Pay careful attention to the use of cohesive devices. Ensure that the transition between sentences and ideas is smoother, avoiding mechanical or faulty connections. Use a variety of cohesive devices appropriately to enhance the overall coherence.

  2. Paragraphing: Maintain logical paragraphing consistently throughout the essay. Each paragraph should focus on a clear central topic and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.

  3. Referencing and Transitions: Improve referencing to create clear connections between ideas and paragraphs. Use transitions effectively to guide the reader through the essay smoothly.

  4. Clarity in Expression: Enhance clarity in expression to avoid ambiguity in certain sentences. This will contribute to a more cohesive and easily understandable essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. The essay effectively explores the reasons for the shift in values towards science, technology, and business over the arts. The writer provides examples and supports their arguments, showcasing a good understanding of the topic. The language is generally clear and coherent, contributing to effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim for more precise and varied vocabulary, especially in the expression of ideas. While the essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, minimizing errors in word choice and collocation would elevate the score. Additionally, paying closer attention to spelling and word formation would further enhance the overall lexical quality of the essay. Overall, maintaining consistency in the use of language and refining the choice of words could contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to the overall fluency and coherence of the text. There is a clear attempt to employ a range of sentence forms, showcasing flexibility in expression. Despite some minor errors, the majority of sentences are error-free, and the control of grammar and punctuation is generally good.

How to improve: To elevate the score to Band 8, focus on refining the accuracy of complex structures. While occasional errors are acceptable, strive for greater precision in grammar and punctuation. Additionally, ensure a seamless integration of ideas throughout the essay for enhanced coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Art has stood the test of time as a fundamental element that sets humans apart from other living creatures. However, in today’s society, there is a noticeable shift towards valuing science, technology, and business more than the arts. This essay explores the reasons for this shift and suggests measures to draw attention back to the arts.

On one hand, the preference for business and technology over the arts can be attributed to several factors. The surge in materialism is a key factor, driven by the belief that accumulating money is crucial for survival in modern society. This emphasis on the tangible has led to a decline in the appreciation for the intangible aspects of artistic culture. For example, the increasing popularity of economic courses highlights a focus on financial gains rather than investing in the creativity found in music albums. Additionally, the relevance of technology in daily life, such as mobile phones and social media, has further reinforced the prioritization of technological devices.

On the flip side, there are approaches that can be employed to promote artistic values. One noteworthy remedy is for educators to emphasize the significance of various aspects of the arts in life. Students could be offered free or discounted tickets to art exhibitions to encourage their participation. Another crucial solution involves making the field of arts more accessible and appealing to a broader audience, without compromising artistic values. A successful example of this approach is the series of Vincent Van Gogh art exhibitions in South East Asian countries. These events immerse attendees in real-life art experiences, providing a multisensory encounter with Vincent Van Gogh’s works.

In conclusion, regardless of the motivations behind prioritizing technology and business over the arts, there are measures that can eliminate the drawbacks of this trend. Promoting arts in schools and modernizing the approach to artistic projects for contemporary society are effective strategies. These efforts can rekindle appreciation for the arts and counterbalance the current trend towards prioritizing technology and business.

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