‘For all children, the ability to play a musical instrument is just as important as the ability to read and write.’ How far do you agree with this suggestion? How important is it for a child to learn to play a musical instrument, in your view?
The question of which skills to prioritise for a child’s early education is important for all parents and educators worldwide, and music can certainy be claimed to be a key possibility when it comes to deciding which abilities to teach. However, I am convinced that music is actually less significant than basic literacy, and I will explain the reasons in this essay.
Firstly, it seems simplistic to say that music is paramout for all children. Certainly, there are some children who excel at playing musical instruments or are immersed themselves in music, and when we think of childhood prodigies such as Beethoven or Yehudi Menuhin we could see how the ability for music can be brought out. Nevertheless, such talents are rare, and even the cutural values and enjoyments acquired through process of playing a musical instrument cannot genuinely be compared to the benefits of becoming literate. Secondly, it is a fact that literacy is a guarantee of academic progress and the absorption of information, while playing music does not offer this security. To be more specific, it is unimaginable that scientist knowledge or information could be transmitted easily to student by using music. Last but not least, it is surely wiser to regard music as one of a wide range of secondary skills for children, ranking below literacy and sitting alongside sports, playing, hobbies and other important but less essential activities.
Of course, those who say that extremely talented students must be allowed to develop their music ability are correct, though, that few children seem to possess musical skills to the extent that it should be prioritised so highly for all pupils.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that children should be interacted with musical instruments both at home or schools, however, the merits that music bring them could not be compared with those of the ability to read and write.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"can certainy be claimed" -> "can certainly be considered"
Explanation: Replacing "certainy be claimed" with "certainly be considered" improves the sentence’s formality and clarity, aligning it with academic style.
"paramout" -> "paramount"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error in "paramout" to "paramount" ensures precision in language use, maintaining a formal tone.
"when we think of childhood prodigies such as Beethoven or Yehudi Menuhin we could see how the ability for music can be brought out" -> "considering childhood prodigies like Beethoven or Yehudi Menuhin, we can observe how musical talent can be developed."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and removing unnecessary words enhances the academic tone. Also, replacing "brought out" with "developed" provides a more precise expression.
"cutural values" -> "cultural values"
Explanation: Correcting the typographical error in "cutural" to "cultural" ensures accuracy and maintains a formal writing style.
"it is unimaginable that scientist knowledge or information could be transmitted easily to student by using music" -> "it is inconceivable that scientific knowledge or information could be effectively conveyed to students through music."
Explanation: Substituting "scientist knowledge" with "scientific knowledge" and rephrasing the sentence improves accuracy and clarity, while the replacement of "transmitted easily to student" with "effectively conveyed to students" enhances formality.
"Last but not least, it is surely wiser" -> "Lastly, it is undoubtedly more prudent"
Explanation: The suggested replacement provides a more sophisticated alternative to "Last but not least," enhancing the overall formality of the sentence.
"secondary skills for children" -> "supplementary skills for children"
Explanation: Replacing "secondary skills" with "supplementary skills" elevates the vocabulary, maintaining a formal tone and precision.
"those who say that extremely talented students must be allowed to develop their music ability are correct, though, that few children seem to possess musical skills to the extent that it should be prioritised so highly for all pupils" -> "While it is correct that extremely talented students should be allowed to develop their musical abilities, it is noteworthy that few children possess such skills to the extent that it should be prioritized significantly for all pupils."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance clarity and formality, providing a more precise expression of the idea.
"I am of the opinion that children should be interacted with musical instruments both at home or schools" -> "I believe that children should be exposed to musical instruments, both at home and in schools."
Explanation: Replacing "interacted with" with "exposed to" and refining the phrasing improves clarity and aligns with a more formal writing style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both parts of the question. It acknowledges the importance of music in education but takes a clear stance that literacy is more significant. Relevant sections include the opening paragraph, where the writer introduces the topic and their position, and the conclusion, summarizing the argument.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing more specific examples or real-world scenarios could enhance the depth of the response. Additionally, consider rephrasing to avoid repetition of phrases like "more significant" to maintain variety in expression.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance, arguing that music is less important than basic literacy. Examples such as the reference to childhood prodigies and the assertion that literacy is a guarantee of academic progress contribute to the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider providing more nuanced reasons or counterarguments, showcasing a deeper understanding of the topic.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a clear and organized manner, discussing the rarity of musical talent and emphasizing the academic benefits of literacy. Specific instances include the mention of Beethoven and Yehudi Menuhin as examples of rare musical talent.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider providing more elaborate explanations and varied examples. Additionally, expanding on the cultural values and enjoyments gained through playing musical instruments could add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the importance of music versus literacy in a child’s education. However, there are minor deviations, such as the brief mention of sports, playing, hobbies, and other activities towards the end.
- How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus, avoid introducing new elements in the conclusion unless directly related to the main argument. Ensure that each point made contributes directly to the comparison between the importance of music and literacy.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear stance, enhancing the depth of the response with more specific examples and avoiding slight deviations from the main argument would further improve the overall quality.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably logical organization. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and each paragraph contains a distinct idea. However, there is room for improvement in the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing child prodigies to the importance of literacy could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a clearer transition between ideas within paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the preceding one, creating a seamless progression of arguments.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument. However, the structure within paragraphs could be refined for better coherence. Some paragraphs address multiple ideas, making it challenging for readers to discern the main focus of each.
- How to improve: Aim for more concise and focused paragraphs, each centered around a single main idea. This will enhance clarity and make it easier for readers to follow the development of your arguments. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more digestible units.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "Firstly," and "Secondly," to guide the reader through the arguments. However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved. Additionally, more sophisticated cohesive devices could be introduced to strengthen the overall cohesiveness.
- How to improve: Diversify your use of cohesive devices. Instead of relying solely on ordinal markers, experiment with conjunctions, pronouns, and adverbs to create a smoother connection between sentences and ideas. Strive for a more nuanced and varied approach to enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization of ideas within paragraphs and introducing a greater variety of cohesive devices can contribute to a more polished and effective essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it addresses the topic adequately, it could benefit from more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the expression of ideas. For instance, there is a reliance on certain words such as "important," "music," and "literacy" that could be diversified for a richer presentation of arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance your score in this aspect, consider incorporating a more diverse range of synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "important," explore alternatives like "crucial," "vital," or "paramount." Additionally, introduce more specific vocabulary related to music and literacy to showcase a deeper lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses imprecise vocabulary, leading to a lack of clarity in certain expressions. For instance, the phrase "music is actually less significant than basic literacy" could be more precisely articulated to convey the nuanced differences between the two. Additionally, the term "cutural" is a misspelling and contributes to imprecision.
- How to improve: Aim for precision in your choice of words to avoid ambiguity. Instead of "less significant," consider specifying in what aspects music might be considered less crucial. Also, proofread your work to catch spelling errors like "cutural" to maintain accuracy.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a noticeable level of spelling accuracy, with only a single notable error: "cutural" should be corrected to "cultural." Apart from this, the spelling is generally correct, contributing to overall clarity.
- How to improve: Continue maintaining the high level of spelling accuracy displayed in the majority of the essay. Proofread your work carefully to catch minor spelling errors, ensuring that your writing is consistently error-free. Consider using spell-check tools for an additional layer of accuracy.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of lexical resource, but improvements in vocabulary variety, precision, and minor spelling issues could elevate the writing to a higher band score. Keep refining your language skills, diversifying your vocabulary, and paying attention to precision and correctness for continued improvement.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. The author utilizes a mix of simple and complex sentences, incorporating some advanced structures, such as the use of conditional sentences ("it is unimaginable," "should be prioritised so highly"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further, especially in enhancing the complexity of compound and compound-complex sentences for a more sophisticated presentation.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions. Introduce a mix of compound and compound-complex sentences to add depth and sophistication to the essay. For example, explore the use of relative clauses and subordinating conjunctions to provide additional information and create more nuanced connections between ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation, with a few notable errors. There are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word choices, such as "certainly" instead of "certainly," "paramout" instead of "paramount," and "cutural" instead of "cultural." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("music can certainy be claimed" should be "music can certainly be claimed") and verb tense consistency ("it is a fact that literacy is a guarantee" could be improved to "it is a fact that literacy guarantees").
- How to improve: Careful proofreading is essential to catch and rectify errors in grammar and word choice. Additionally, focus on maintaining consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Review and revise sentences for clarity, ensuring that the intended meaning is conveyed accurately. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct any remaining issues.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and punctuation, with room for refinement in sentence variety and careful attention to specific grammar details. Continued practice and attention to detail will contribute to further improvement in grammatical range and accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The question of which skills to prioritize for a child’s early education is significant for parents and educators worldwide. While the ability to play a musical instrument can certainly be considered as a valuable skill, I firmly believe that it is not as crucial as basic literacy. I will elaborate on my reasons in this essay.
Firstly, claiming that music is paramount for all children appears somewhat simplistic. Undoubtedly, there are children who excel at playing musical instruments or immerse themselves in music. When considering childhood prodigies like Beethoven or Yehudi Menuhin, we can observe how musical talent can be developed. However, such talents are rare, and the cultural values and enjoyment derived from playing a musical instrument cannot genuinely be equated with the fundamental benefits of becoming literate.
Secondly, literacy serves as a guarantee for academic progress and the absorption of information, providing a secure foundation for learning. In contrast, playing music does not offer the same level of assurance. Specifically, it is inconceivable that scientific knowledge or information could be effectively conveyed to students through music.
Lastly, it is undoubtedly more prudent to view music as one of many supplementary skills for children, ranking below literacy and alongside sports, play, hobbies, and other important but less essential activities. While it is correct that extremely talented students should be allowed to develop their musical abilities, it is noteworthy that few children possess such skills to the extent that it should be prioritized significantly for all pupils.
In conclusion, I believe that children should be exposed to musical instruments, both at home and in schools. However, it is essential to recognize that the merits of music for children cannot be compared with the foundational importance of the ability to read and write.