Girls and women in many places in the world are denied access to school and learning. Bamers to girls’ and women’s education are many, for example religions, political oppressions, poverty, child marriage, gender bias, etc. Article 26 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights stated that”Everyone has the right to education”. While in many places girls and women are kept out of school, in other place, countries are fighting a difficult battle to ensure girls and women’s right to education. What effects does giving girls and women access to education have communities, countries and the entire world?

Girls and women in many places in the world are denied access to school and learning. Bamers to girls' and women's education are many, for example religions, political oppressions, poverty, child marriage, gender bias, etc. Article 26 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights stated that"Everyone has the right to education". While in many places girls and women are kept out of school, in other place, countries are fighting a difficult battle to ensure girls and women's right to education.

What effects does giving girls and women access to education have communities, countries and the entire world?

Have even been you thought knowledge are very important in our life – for both man and women. In develop social, old people in the family think the men are better than the women, it is less than in the past, but somewhere in the wold it was happening. "Girls and women must be at home and do lauding", "they shouldn't go to school", it is a fact in many countries. In my opinion, females should go to school, learning many think, isn't a thing that men can put anywhere they like. Now, i will talk about why girls and women should have more knowledge for they live.
In Idia or countries the same, many people have poor think in child marriage. The parents is poor so the childrens have marry early than normal people, around 12 or 13 years old. Although these children don't like like, they must be do this for their parent. It is not quality for children's life, marries early will be due to unnormal children, ill, … So many adult must be know about child marriage, the most are girl and women, they must be fight for their life. when their know about what age should be marry or not, they can talk about their husbands and their parent to change their mind's set.
In the past, many people put down women variety in the hell of society, "men are always better than woman", " 10 girls are not as 1 boy". It sad but real in our life, and it is still happening in nowadays. Everything the men never do, everything the women must do, the bad fact in wold. The most happening is in dark skin's coutries, is it very bad, girls and women have no variety. In this reason, knowlegde is very important for girl and women to agure and fight to find what they have.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "Have even been you thought knowledge are very important" -> "Have you ever considered knowledge to be very important"
   Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper subject-verb agreement and uses informal language. The suggested improvement maintains clarity while using a more formal structure and vocabulary.

2. "In develop social, old people in the family think the men are better than the women" -> "In developing societies, older family members often perceive men to be superior to women"
   Explanation: "Develop social" is incorrect and informal. "In developing societies" is more appropriate. Additionally, the phrase "old people in the family" can be rephrased for clarity and formality.

3. "but somewhere in the wold it was happening" -> "but it still occurs in some parts of the world"
   Explanation: "wold" is a misspelling of "world." "It was happening" lacks specificity and is not as clear as "it still occurs."

4. "Girls and women must be at home and do lauding" -> "Girls and women are expected to stay at home and perform household chores"
   Explanation: "do lauding" is unclear and non-standard English. "Perform household chores" is a more precise and formal alternative.

5. "learning many think" -> "learning many things"
   Explanation: "think" should be pluralized to match the noun "many."

6. "isn’t a thing that men can put anywhere they like" -> "is not something that men can control at their discretion"
   Explanation: The original phrase is informal. The suggested improvement maintains clarity while using a more formal structure.

7. "Now, i will talk about why girls and women should have more knowledge for they live." -> "Now, I will discuss why girls and women should acquire more knowledge for their lives."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks proper capitalization and contains a grammatical error. The suggested improvement corrects these issues and improves clarity.

8. "In Idia or countries the same" -> "In India or similar countries"
   Explanation: "Idia" is a misspelling of "India." "Countries the same" is awkward and unclear. "Similar countries" provides clarity and maintains formality.

9. "many people have poor think in child marriage" -> "many people have misconceptions about child marriage"
   Explanation: "poor think" is not idiomatic. "Misconceptions" is a more formal and appropriate term.

10. "so the childrens have marry early than normal people" -> "so the children marry at an earlier age than usual"
    Explanation: "childrens" is incorrect; the plural of "children" is "children." "Marry early than normal people" is grammatically incorrect. The suggested improvement corrects these errors.

11. "Although these children don’t like like" -> "Although these children dislike"
    Explanation: "don’t like like" is redundant and informal. "Dislike" is a more concise and formal alternative.

12. "it is not quality for children’s life" -> "it does not ensure a quality life for children"
    Explanation: "not quality" is not grammatically correct. The suggested improvement clarifies the meaning and maintains formality.

13. "marries early will be due to unnormal children, ill" -> "early marriages can lead to unhealthy and abnormal children"
    Explanation: "unnormal" is not a standard term; "abnormal" is more appropriate. "Ill" is vague; "unhealthy" is a clearer alternative.

14. "So many adult must be know about child marriage" -> "Therefore, many adults must be educated about child marriage"
    Explanation: "must be know" is incorrect; "must be educated" is more appropriate. Additionally, "adult" should be pluralized to "adults" for subject-verb agreement.

15. "when their know about what age should be marry or not" -> "when they know at what age marriage is appropriate"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested improvement clarifies the meaning and maintains formality.

16. "they can talk about their husbands and their parent to change their mind’s set" -> "they can discuss with their husbands and parents to change their mindset"
    Explanation: "to change their mind’s set" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "To change their mindset" is a more appropriate and clear alternative.

17. "many people put down women variety in the hell of society" -> "many people marginalize women in society"
    Explanation: "put down women variety in the hell of society" is unclear and informal. "Marginalize women in society" is a more precise and formal alternative.

18. "It sad but real in our life" -> "It is a sad but prevalent reality in our lives"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper punctuation and uses informal language. The suggested improvement corrects these issues and maintains formality.

19. "Everything the men never do, everything the women must do" -> "Tasks avoided by men are often delegated to women"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and uses informal language. The suggested improvement clarifies the meaning and maintains formality.

20. "In this reason" -> "For this reason"
    Explanation: "In this reason" is incorrect; "For this reason" is the appropriate phrase to introduce an explanation.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses some aspects of the prompt, focusing on the reasons why education for girls and women is crucial. It mentions issues like gender discrimination, child marriage, and social prejudices, which are relevant to the prompt. However, the essay lacks a clear answer to the question about the broader effects of giving girls and women access to education on communities, countries, and the entire world.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address the question, include specific effects of educating girls and women on communities, countries, and globally. You could discuss economic growth, reduced poverty, improved health outcomes, and social empowerment as some potential effects. Additionally, ensure the response aligns closely with the prompt’s requirements, exploring the broader impact of educating girls and women.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a general stance supporting education for girls and women, but the position is not consistent throughout the text. The essay drifts between different ideas without maintaining a coherent argument, making it difficult for the reader to discern the writer’s clear position on the topic.
  • How to improve: Establish a clear thesis statement at the beginning, indicating the specific effects that educating girls and women can have on communities, countries, and the world. Maintain this focus throughout the essay, connecting each point back to this overarching thesis. This will help keep the position consistent and clear.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present and extend ideas, but the development is limited, and supporting details are often unclear or lacking. The mention of child marriage and gender discrimination offers some basis for expansion, but there are not enough specific examples or logical explanations to fully develop these ideas.
  • How to improve: Extend the essay by providing concrete examples, data, or case studies that illustrate the positive effects of education for girls and women. Develop each point with more depth, including details like how education can combat poverty, empower women, and reduce gender bias. Using real-world examples or reputable studies could add credibility to your arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay tends to veer off-topic, with some sections focusing on general discrimination and outdated societal views without tying them back to the central question about the effects of education for girls and women. This leads to a lack of focus and coherence.
  • How to improve: Stay focused on the prompt’s central question by continuously linking your arguments to the effects of education for girls and women. Avoid unnecessary tangents or unrelated topics. Revisit your thesis statement regularly throughout the essay to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the central argument. This will help maintain coherence and relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a logical argument but struggles with coherence due to several issues. The essay lacks a clear introduction that sets up the discussion and a conclusion that summarizes the main points. Additionally, the flow of ideas within paragraphs is often disrupted, leading to a disjointed reading experience. For instance, there are abrupt transitions between discussing child marriage, societal biases, and the importance of education without smooth transitions or clear connections.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear introduction that introduces the topic and outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and provide supporting details and examples. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs and within sentences, creating a smooth flow of information from one point to the next.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs but lacks consistency and clarity in paragraph structure. Some paragraphs combine multiple ideas without clear breaks, while others are too short and lack development. This inconsistency affects the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Aim for a clear and consistent paragraph structure. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Develop that idea with supporting details and examples in the body of the paragraph. Ensure that paragraphs are cohesive and logically connected, contributing to the overall flow of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices such as pronouns ("they," "their") and conjunctions ("although," "so," "but"), but their usage is inconsistent and sometimes incorrect, leading to confusion. Additionally, more diverse cohesive devices such as transitional phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "on the other hand") and parallel structures could improve the coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to include a variety of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and parallel structures. Use these devices to link ideas within sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Review the usage of pronouns to ensure clarity and accuracy, avoiding ambiguous references that can confuse the reader.

Overall, improving coherence and cohesion in this essay requires a focus on clear organization, consistent paragraphing, and diverse and accurate use of cohesive devices. These improvements will help convey the ideas more effectively and enhance the overall readability of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts at varied expression. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and precision of vocabulary usage. For instance, phrases like "knowledge are very important," "poor think in child marriage," and "put down women variety" could be refined for clarity and accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary, including synonyms and more precise terms. For example, instead of "knowledge are very important," consider using "knowledge is indispensable." Additionally, utilizing more specific vocabulary related to the essay topic, such as "early marriage" instead of "child marriage," would enhance clarity and depth of expression.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits imprecise vocabulary usage in several instances, such as "poor think in child marriage" and "put down women variety." These phrases lack precision and clarity, which can hinder the reader’s understanding and detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. Instead of "poor think in child marriage," consider using "misconceptions about child marriage." Similarly, "put down women variety" could be replaced with "diminish the diversity of women’s roles." Consulting a thesaurus or seeking feedback on word choice can aid in selecting more precise vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Idia" instead of "India," "lauding" instead of "laundry," "think" instead of "thing," "knowlegde" instead of "knowledge," and "wold" instead of "world." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should consider utilizing spelling and grammar checkers available in word processing software. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct spelling errors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling accuracy will contribute to improved overall writing quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a basic range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is limited use of complex sentence structures or varied sentence beginnings, which could enhance the fluency and sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses to provide depth and clarity to your ideas. Additionally, vary the beginnings of your sentences to avoid repetitive structures and maintain reader engagement. For example, instead of consistently starting sentences with "In," "The," or "It," try beginning sentences with adverbial or participial phrases, or use rhetorical questions to engage the reader.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Have even been you thought knowledge are"), tense consistency ("In develop social"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect apostrophe usage). Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and word choice ("poor think in child marriage," "they don’t like like").
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and proper punctuation rules. Proofread your writing carefully to identify and correct errors in grammar and punctuation. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement. Additionally, focus on clarity and precision in your word choice to convey your ideas more effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

Have you ever considered knowledge to be very important in our lives, for both men and women? In developing societies, older generations often hold the belief that men are superior to women, though this mentality is gradually diminishing. However, in some parts of the world, such views persist. Girls and women are expected to stay at home and perform household chores instead of pursuing education, a reality that exists in many countries. In my view, females should have equal access to education, as learning is not something that men can control at their discretion. Now, I will discuss why girls and women should acquire more knowledge for their lives.

In India and similar countries, there is a prevalent misconception about child marriage. Due to poverty, some parents marry off their children at an early age, typically around 12 or 13 years old. Although these children may not desire such unions, they feel compelled to comply with their parents’ wishes. However, early marriage does not ensure a quality life for children; in fact, it can lead to the birth of unhealthy and abnormal children. Therefore, it is imperative that adults, particularly women, are educated about the detrimental effects of child marriage. When individuals understand the appropriate age for marriage, they can engage in discussions with their spouses and parents to challenge prevailing mindsets.

In many societies, women are marginalized, a sad but prevalent reality in our lives. Tasks that men avoid are often delegated to women, perpetuating gender inequality. This phenomenon is particularly pronounced in certain regions with darker skin tones, where women have limited opportunities for self-determination. Consequently, knowledge plays a crucial role in empowering girls and women to advocate for their rights and challenge societal norms. By acquiring knowledge, women can assert themselves and strive for equality in all aspects of life.