Global issue
Global issue
As long as you are reading this, you have probably heard the term “global issues”. This factor of the world around us is, if not rapidly, slowly changing the way we live. With that being said, if I were granted an ability to only solve one out of many global issues on this planet, I would choose to address religious conflict. You might be wondering, why is that?
To clearly understand my point, we need to first look at the definition of a "global issue." According to Wikipedia, a global issue is a matter of public concern that is affecting people around the world. So now that we understand the term "global issue," why would I choose "religious conflict" as a global issue that I want to solve, though? Basically, since religious conflict is mainly justified by differences in religions or beliefs, or a serious disagreement or argument between one religious group and another, involving thousands or millions of people, it should be considered a global issue. In case you don’t know, there are actually many examples of religious conflict which led to wars in today’s world, and also throughout our history. These include the war between Israel and Hamas, the Crusades, the Syrian civil war, the Taiping rebellion, and others. But do not let this simple term fool you; religious conflicts can lead to far-reaching consequences.
First and foremost, religious conflicts can escalate to a full-scale war if not managed carefully. And not only would the war turn from a civil one into a regional war, but it is also possible that a world war can be triggered, which might only worsen the situation. Furthermore, with wars being fought, marks are being left in the form of war-torn regions, making agriculture almost impossible. It damages the environment, impacts the climate, and leads to the depletion of natural resources. And the notable detail is, all of them are international problems. Indicating that religious conflict is likely to be the root of many global issues which we are facing today. Not only that, but prolonged religious wars can also destabilize the economy of the country as a whole, hinder food productions, and prevent adequate healthcare from being provided to the people.
Moreover, extremism in religious conflict is very likely to violate multiple human rights. These include exploitation, discrimination, homicide, and repression of individuals who don’t follow their religion. In addition, the extremists would provide even worse healthcare and education to those they consider “heathens”, which would only increase inequality within society.
For these reasons, I believe that religious war, or religious conflict, is a serious, unresolved issue that can hinder the sustainable development of societies and nations. That is why it needs to be carefully and urgently addressed. In today’s globalized world, this aspect of the globe demands more attention and consideration in order to prevent tensions from rising between the two sides, and focus on building a better, stable future for everyone.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"As long as you are reading this, you have probably heard the term “global issues”." -> "It is likely that you are familiar with the term “global issues”."
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and conversational. The suggested revision maintains formality and avoids the assumption that the reader is currently reading the text, which is unnecessary and informal. -
"if not rapidly, slowly" -> "either rapidly or slowly"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the intended meaning, indicating that the change is either rapid or gradual. -
"if I were granted an ability" -> "if I were given the ability"
Explanation: "Given the ability" is a more natural and formal expression than "granted an ability," which sounds unnatural in this context. -
"You might be wondering, why is that?" -> "You may be wondering why this is the case."
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and conversational. The revision maintains formality and clarity, improving the flow of the sentence. -
"According to Wikipedia" -> "According to scholarly sources"
Explanation: While Wikipedia can be a reliable source, "scholarly sources" is more appropriate in academic writing to imply a broader range of credible sources beyond just Wikipedia. -
"Basically, since" -> "Fundamentally, because"
Explanation: "Fundamentally" is more academically precise than "basically," which is too informal for academic writing. "Because" is also more direct and formal than "since" in this context. -
"In case you don’t know" -> "If you are not aware"
Explanation: "In case you don’t know" is informal and conversational. "If you are not aware" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. -
"do not let this simple term fool you" -> "do not underestimate the significance of this term"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and conversational. The suggested revision maintains formality and emphasizes the importance of the term in a scholarly context. -
"marks are being left" -> "scars are being left"
Explanation: "Scars" is a more precise term than "marks" when referring to the lasting effects of war on the environment and infrastructure. -
"hinder food productions" -> "impede food production"
Explanation: "Impede" is more formal and precise than "hinder," and "production" should be singular to match the singular verb "impede." -
"prevent adequate healthcare from being provided" -> "prevent the provision of adequate healthcare"
Explanation: The suggested revision is more formal and grammatically correct, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence. -
"extremism in religious conflict is very likely to violate" -> "extremism in religious conflict is highly likely to violate"
Explanation: "Highly likely" is a more formal and precise adverbial phrase than "very likely," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"provide even worse healthcare and education" -> "offer substandard healthcare and education"
Explanation: "Offer substandard" is a more precise and formal way to describe the quality of healthcare and education provided, which is more appropriate in an academic context. -
"building a better, stable future for everyone" -> "constructing a more stable and equitable future for all"
Explanation: "Constructing" is more formal than "building," and "more stable and equitable" is a more precise and academically appropriate description than "better and stable." Additionally, "for all" is more formal than "for everyone."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively identifies and elaborates on a specific global issue—religious conflict. It begins by defining what constitutes a global issue and then explains why religious conflict is a significant concern, citing historical and contemporary examples. The essay addresses the prompt well, demonstrating an understanding of the complexities surrounding the topic.
- How to improve: While the essay covers the topic well, it could enhance its response by briefly acknowledging other global issues and explaining why religious conflict is prioritized over them. This would provide a more comprehensive view and strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that religious conflict is a pressing global issue that needs urgent attention. The position is consistent throughout the text, with each paragraph reinforcing the importance of addressing this issue. The use of phrases like "for these reasons" effectively signals the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further clarify the position, the essay could include a thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly outlines the main arguments that will be discussed. This would provide a roadmap for the reader and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-supported ideas regarding the consequences of religious conflict, including potential wars, economic destabilization, and human rights violations. Each point is backed by logical reasoning and relevant examples, which helps to extend the argument effectively.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the essay could incorporate more specific examples or case studies that illustrate the impact of religious conflict on societies. Additionally, integrating statistics or quotes from experts could lend further credibility to the arguments presented.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays focused on the topic of religious conflict as a global issue throughout the text. Each paragraph relates back to this central theme, ensuring that the discussion remains relevant and coherent.
- How to improve: While the essay remains on topic, it could benefit from a more structured approach. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph would help to guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the focus on the main issue. Additionally, avoiding rhetorical questions, such as "You might be wondering, why is that?" can help maintain a more formal tone and keep the focus on the argument rather than engaging the reader directly.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a compelling argument regarding the significance of addressing religious conflict as a global issue. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer could enhance the clarity, depth, and overall effectiveness of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the significance of religious conflict as a global issue. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the subsequent paragraphs logically build on this premise. For instance, the transition from defining a global issue to discussing the implications of religious conflict is smooth and coherent. The author successfully connects various points, such as the potential for escalation into war and the broader consequences on society and the environment. However, while the ideas are generally well-structured, some sections could benefit from clearer connections between points to enhance overall logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve the logical organization, the author could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to outline the main idea that will be discussed. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases between paragraphs could help guide the reader through the argument more effectively, ensuring that each point builds upon the previous one.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs that each address distinct aspects of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the implications of religious conflict, and the third explores human rights violations associated with extremism. This division is effective in maintaining focus on specific themes. However, some paragraphs, particularly the second one, are quite lengthy and could be broken down further to enhance readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: The author should consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each focusing on a single idea or aspect of the argument. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one discussing the potential for war and its consequences, and another addressing the environmental and economic impacts. This would not only improve clarity but also allow readers to digest the information more easily.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing, to link ideas together. Phrases like "first and foremost" and "moreover" effectively signal the progression of thought. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, while the author uses some transitional phrases, there are opportunities to incorporate more sophisticated devices that indicate contrast or comparison, which would enrich the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the author could include phrases that indicate contrast (e.g., "on the other hand," "however") or exemplification (e.g., "for instance," "such as") to provide clearer connections between different points. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms more effectively can help to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a compelling argument regarding the importance of addressing religious conflict as a global issue. By refining the organization, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the author can elevate the clarity and coherence of their writing even further.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of global issues and religious conflict. Terms such as "escalate," "extremism," "discrimination," and "sustainable development" reflect a strong understanding of the subject matter. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "global issue" is repeated multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "global issue," you could use phrases like "worldwide concern," "international dilemma," or "global challenge." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "sectarian violence" or "interfaith dialogue," could further enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where word choice could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "marks are being left in the form of war-torn regions" could be more clearly articulated. The term "marks" is vague and could be replaced with a more specific term such as "devastation" or "scars" to convey the impact of war more effectively.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that convey your ideas more precisely. For example, instead of saying "marks are being left," you could say "devastation is evident in the form of war-torn regions." This not only clarifies your point but also enhances the overall impact of your argument.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable spelling errors that would detract from the clarity of the writing. This indicates a strong command of spelling conventions, which is essential for achieving a higher band score.
- How to improve: To maintain and further enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing your essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, checking for any potential typos or overlooked errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools can help catch mistakes, but it is important to review suggestions critically to ensure they fit the context of your writing.
Overall, the essay effectively communicates the importance of addressing religious conflict as a global issue, but there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and maintaining clarity through careful word choice. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of lexical resource, potentially leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied clauses. For instance, the use of conditional structures in "if I were granted an ability to only solve one out of many global issues" showcases an understanding of hypothetical situations. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences, such as "And not only would the war turn from a civil one into a regional war, but it is also possible that a world war can be triggered." However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied; for example, some sentences are lengthy and could benefit from being broken down for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more varied introductory phrases and transition words. Using more complex structures, such as participial phrases or relative clauses, could also add depth. For example, instead of saying "religious conflicts can escalate to a full-scale war if not managed carefully," the writer could say, "If not managed carefully, religious conflicts have the potential to escalate into full-scale wars, leading to devastating consequences."
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the notable detail is, all of them are international problems" contains a punctuation error; the comma should be omitted. Additionally, the phrase "indicating that religious conflict is likely to be the root of many global issues which we are facing today" could be improved by changing "which" to "that" for better clarity and grammatical precision. Overall, the essay’s punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas are misused or omitted.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with punctuation. Practicing the rules of comma usage, especially in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing the differences between restrictive and non-restrictive clauses can help in making more precise grammatical choices. For example, revising "the root of many global issues which we are facing today" to "the root of many global issues that we are facing today" would enhance grammatical accuracy.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
As long as you are reading this, you have probably heard the term “global issues.” This factor of the world around us is, if not rapidly, slowly changing the way we live. With that being said, if I were granted the ability to solve only one out of many global issues on this planet, I would choose to address religious conflict. You may be wondering why this is the case.
To clearly understand my point, we need to first look at the definition of a “global issue.” According to scholarly sources, a global issue is a matter of public concern that is affecting people around the world. So now that we understand the term “global issue,” why would I choose “religious conflict” as a global issue that I want to solve? Fundamentally, since religious conflict is mainly justified by differences in religions or beliefs, or a serious disagreement or argument between one religious group and another, involving thousands or millions of people, it should be considered a global issue. If you are not aware, there are actually many examples of religious conflict that have led to wars in today’s world, and also throughout our history. These include the war between Israel and Hamas, the Crusades, the Syrian civil war, the Taiping rebellion, and others. But do not underestimate the significance of this term; religious conflicts can lead to far-reaching consequences.
First and foremost, religious conflicts can escalate to a full-scale war if not managed carefully. Not only would the war turn from a civil one into a regional war, but it is also possible that a world war could be triggered, which might only worsen the situation. Furthermore, with wars being fought, scars are being left in the form of war-torn regions, making agriculture almost impossible. It damages the environment, impacts the climate, and leads to the depletion of natural resources. The notable detail is that all of these are international problems, indicating that religious conflict is likely to be the root of many global issues that we are facing today. Not only that, but prolonged religious wars can also destabilize the economy of the country as a whole, impede food production, and prevent the provision of adequate healthcare to the people.
Moreover, extremism in religious conflict is highly likely to violate multiple human rights. These include exploitation, discrimination, homicide, and repression of individuals who do not follow their religion. In addition, the extremists would offer substandard healthcare and education to those they consider “heathens,” which would only increase inequality within society.
For these reasons, I believe that religious war, or religious conflict, is a serious, unresolved issue that can hinder the sustainable development of societies and nations. That is why it needs to be carefully and urgently addressed. In today’s globalized world, this aspect of the globe demands more attention and consideration in order to prevent tensions from rising between the two sides and focus on constructing a more stable and equitable future for all.
