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GLOBALIZATION

GLOBALIZATION

globalization has certain advantages such as economic processes, technological developments, political influences, health systems, social and natural environment factors.One example of this is the spread of mobile phones. In the past, only developed countries had access to mobile phones. However, now even developing countries have access to this technology. This has made it possible for people in developing countries to communicate with each other and with people in developed countries. another example is the internet. The internet has made it possible for people in developing countries to have access to information that was previously only available to people in developed countries. This has led to a knowledge gap between developed and developing countries.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "globalization has certain advantages such as economic processes, technological developments, political influences, health systems, social and natural environment factors." -> "Globalization presents various advantages, encompassing economic processes, technological advancements, political influences, health systems, as well as social and environmental factors."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence with more formal language and specifying the aspects of globalization enhances clarity and aligns with academic writing conventions.

  2. "One example of this is the spread of mobile phones." -> "An illustrative instance is the proliferation of mobile phones."
    Explanation: Substituting "example" with "illustrative instance" elevates the formality, and the use of "proliferation" adds precision to the description of the spread of mobile phones.

  3. "In the past, only developed countries had access to mobile phones." -> "Historically, mobile phone access was limited to developed nations."
    Explanation: Replacing "In the past" with "Historically" and rephrasing the sentence to emphasize historical constraints on mobile phone access contribute to a more refined academic tone.

  4. "However, now even developing countries have access to this technology." -> "Nevertheless, contemporary advancements have extended mobile phone accessibility to developing nations."
    Explanation: The use of "Nevertheless" maintains a formal transition, and replacing "now even" with "contemporary advancements have extended" adds precision and formality to the statement.

  5. "This has made it possible for people in developing countries to communicate with each other and with people in developed countries." -> "Consequently, individuals in developing countries can now engage in communication both within their communities and with those in developed nations."
    Explanation: The substitution of "This has made it possible for" with "Consequently" improves the causal link, and the revised wording enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  6. "another example is the internet." -> "Another illustrative instance pertains to the internet."
    Explanation: Changing "example is" to "illustrative instance pertains to" contributes to a more formal expression, maintaining consistency in terminology.

  7. "The internet has made it possible for people in developing countries to have access to information that was previously only available to people in developed countries." -> "The internet has facilitated access to information for individuals in developing countries, which was previously exclusive to those in developed nations."
    Explanation: Replacing "made it possible for" with "facilitated" and refining the latter part of the sentence enhance the formality and precision of the statement.

  8. "This has led to a knowledge gap between developed and developing countries." -> "Consequently, a discernible knowledge gap has emerged between developed and developing countries."
    Explanation: The use of "Consequently" establishes a clear causal relationship, and the rephrasing of "This has led to" to "a discernible knowledge gap has emerged" adds formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address various aspects of globalization such as economic processes, technological developments, political influences, health systems, and social and natural environment factors. However, it lacks depth and specific examples. The response is too brief and does not thoroughly analyze each component as required by the prompt.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should elaborate more on each aspect of globalization, providing specific examples and details to support their points. This will help in presenting a more comprehensive and nuanced response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay doesn’t present a clear and consistent position on globalization. While it mentions certain advantages, it doesn’t articulate a specific stance or perspective on the overall impact of globalization. The lack of a well-defined position affects the clarity of the essay.
    • How to improve: It is essential to clearly state a position on globalization in the introduction and consistently reinforce this stance throughout the essay. This could involve expressing a view on whether globalization is predominantly positive or negative and supporting this position with arguments and examples.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay lack depth and development. For instance, the mention of mobile phones and the internet is too brief, and there is a missed opportunity to explore their impacts in greater detail. Additionally, the essay lacks supporting evidence and examples.
    • How to improve: The writer should provide more in-depth explanations and examples for each idea presented. This includes discussing the specific economic, social, or political impacts of globalization, and providing evidence to strengthen the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages of globalization, specifically mentioning economic processes, technological developments, and other factors. However, the briefness of the response and the lack of specific examples weaken the overall relevance.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid general statements and provide more specific examples and details related to each aspect of globalization. This will enhance the essay’s relevance and coherence.

In summary, while the essay touches upon the various components of globalization, it falls short in depth, clarity, and supporting details. To improve, the writer should expand on each aspect, present a clear stance, delve into specific examples, and maintain focus on the given topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. The introduction provides a general overview of globalization and mentions specific aspects. However, the body paragraphs lack clear sequencing and development of ideas. For instance, the transition from discussing mobile phones to the internet feels abrupt and could be more smoothly integrated.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider organizing the essay with a clear introduction, followed by distinct body paragraphs that focus on individual aspects of globalization. Use topic sentences to introduce each paragraph’s main idea, and ensure there is a smooth transition between ideas to create a cohesive narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. While there are attempts to separate ideas into distinct sentences, there is a lack of coherent paragraph structure. This contributes to the overall impression of disorganization and hampers readability.
    • How to improve: Work on developing well-structured paragraphs. Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that ideas within a paragraph are related, and consider the use of transitional phrases to connect paragraphs more smoothly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay shows some use of cohesive devices but lacks variety and sophistication. There is a reliance on repetitive structures, such as starting sentences with "This" or "However." While there is an attempt to link ideas, the limited use of cohesive devices results in a somewhat monotonous flow.
    • How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used. Introduce a variety of transition words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In contrast." This will not only improve coherence but also make the essay more engaging. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun usage to avoid repetitive structures.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of coherence and cohesion. To improve, focus on creating a more structured essay with organized paragraphs, smoother transitions, and a diversified use of cohesive devices. This will contribute to a more effective and coherent presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some examples of economic processes, technological developments, political influences, and social and natural environment factors. However, there is room for improvement as certain terms are repeated, such as "developing countries" and "developed countries," and a more diverse vocabulary could enhance the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To broaden the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For instance, instead of consistently using "developing countries," explore phrases like "emerging nations" or "lesser-developed regions." This will not only prevent repetition but also showcase a deeper grasp of vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally lacks precision in vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "health systems" is mentioned without further elaboration, making it unclear how globalization specifically impacts healthcare. Precise vocabulary could strengthen the essay’s overall clarity and depth.
    • How to improve: Aim for more specificity in vocabulary, providing detailed examples or explanations. Instead of generic terms like "health systems," consider delving into specifics, such as "global health initiatives" or "cross-border healthcare collaborations." This will contribute to a more nuanced and precise discussion of the essay’s ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors evident. However, there are instances of missing spaces between words ("developingcountries" and "developedcountries") that slightly affect readability.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spacing between words to ensure readability. Additionally, continue to proofread for minor errors, as maintaining a consistently high level of spelling accuracy contributes to an overall polished and professional presentation.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a foundation of vocabulary and reasonable spelling accuracy, there is an opportunity to enhance lexical variety, precision, and attention to minor details for further improvement. Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and refining precision will elevate the essay’s overall quality and effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a limited range of sentence structures. The majority of sentences follow a simple and straightforward pattern, with a lack of complex or compound structures. For instance, there is a repetitive use of basic sentence structures, such as "This has made it possible for…" and "Another example is…". While these structures convey the information, they do not showcase a variety of sentence constructions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, consider incorporating a more diverse set of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences, compound sentences, and varied sentence lengths to create a more engaging and sophisticated writing style. For example, instead of consistently starting sentences with "This has made it possible for," try using introductory phrases or clauses to vary the sentence structure.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates moderate grammatical accuracy, with some noticeable errors. For instance, there are inconsistencies in the capitalization of the word "another," and there is a missing space after the comma in "developed countries. another example." Additionally, there is an issue with the sentence "globalization has certain advantages such as economic processes, technological developments, political influences, health systems, social and natural environment factors." The lack of parallelism in listing these advantages affects the overall grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: To address these issues, proofread the essay carefully for capitalization consistency, spacing errors, and parallel structure. Specifically, ensure that items in a list are presented in a parallel manner. For example, rephrase the list of advantages to maintain consistency in structure, such as "globalization has certain advantages, including economic processes, technological developments, political influences, health systems, and social and natural environmental factors." This adjustment enhances grammatical accuracy and clarity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably good grasp of grammatical accuracy, improvements can be made by introducing a more varied range of sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

Globalization offers numerous advantages, including economic processes, technological advancements, political influences, health systems, and social and environmental factors. An illustrative instance of this is the widespread availability of mobile phones. Historically, access to mobile phones was limited to developed nations. Nevertheless, contemporary advancements have extended mobile phone accessibility to developing nations. Consequently, individuals in developing countries can now engage in communication both within their communities and with those in developed nations.

Another illustrative instance pertains to the internet. The internet has facilitated access to information for individuals in developing countries, which was previously exclusive to those in developed nations. Consequently, a discernible knowledge gap has emerged between developed and developing countries. The spread of mobile phones and internet access exemplifies how globalization has bridged communication gaps and expanded access to information, benefiting individuals in developing nations.

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