he graph below shows the number of overseas visitors to three different areas in a European country between 1987 and 2007

The graph demonstrates the quantity of foreign travelers to three distinct places in a European nation over a period of 20 years.
In general, it can be clearly seen that there was an increasing tendency in the figures for 3 various destinations. However, only the attraction of tourists to the lake appears to vanish over time.
In 1987, the figures for the coastal and mountainous areas were around 20 to 40 thousand visitors each. Over the following five years, both areas experienced a gradual decrease before a swift recovery between 1993 and 1997. From then on, the number of visitors to these places started rising, reaching their peaks of 70 thousand for the coastal area and 30 thousand for the mountainous area in 2007, respectively.

Regarding the lakes destination, the volume of foreign visitors was stood at only 10 thousand in 1987. However, from that point until 2002, the number steadily rose and hit the highest point at exactly 70 thousand, which was also the highest of all. From that point forward, It began falling sharply to only about 40 thousand at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph demonstrates" -> "The graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "demonstrates" in the context of presenting data in a graph, emphasizing the visual representation of information.
"quantity of foreign travelers" -> "number of foreign tourists"
Explanation: "Number" is more specific and commonly used in academic and formal contexts when referring to quantities, whereas "quantity" can be vague and less precise.
"In general, it can be clearly seen" -> "It is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more concise and formal way to express the observation, avoiding the redundancy of "in general" and "clearly seen."
"vanish" -> "decrease significantly"
Explanation: "Vanish" is an overly dramatic and informal term for academic writing; "decrease significantly" is more precise and appropriate for describing changes in data.
"the figures for the coastal and mountainous areas were around 20 to 40 thousand visitors each" -> "the visitor numbers for the coastal and mountainous areas were approximately 20,000 to 40,000"
Explanation: Using "approximately" instead of "around" enhances precision, and specifying the numbers without contractions ("20,000" instead of "20 to 40 thousand") aligns with formal writing standards.
"a gradual decrease before a swift recovery" -> "a gradual decline followed by a rapid recovery"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more precise term than "decrease" in this context, and "rapid" is preferred over "swift" for describing speed in formal writing.
"the number of visitors to these places started rising" -> "the number of visitors to these destinations began increasing"
Explanation: "Began increasing" is more formal and precise than "started rising," and "destinations" is a more formal term than "places."
"the volume of foreign visitors was stood at" -> "the number of foreign visitors stood at"
Explanation: "Was stood at" is grammatically incorrect; "stood at" is the correct form, and "number" is more precise than "volume" in this context.
"However, from that point until 2002, the number steadily rose" -> "However, from that point to 2002, the number continued to rise"
Explanation: "Continued to rise" is a more formal and continuous way to describe ongoing increases, and "to" is the correct preposition for indicating a time period.
"hit the highest point at exactly 70 thousand" -> "reached its highest point of 70,000"
Explanation: "Reached its highest point of" is a more formal and precise way to describe the attainment of a maximum value, and using a numeral without commas is preferred in formal writing.
"It began falling sharply" -> "it began declining sharply"
Explanation: "Declining" is a more specific term than "falling" when discussing decreases in quantities, and is more suitable for formal academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. It accurately describes the overall changes in the number of visitors to each area, highlighting the key features of each trend. The essay also presents a clear comparison between the three areas.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in the number of visitors. For example, the essay could state the exact number of visitors to each area in 1987 and 2007. The essay could also provide more specific information about the rate of change in the number of visitors to each area. For example, the essay could state that the number of visitors to the coast increased by 50% between 1997 and 2007.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs logically follow the trends in the data. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. Additionally, there are minor issues with referencing and the use of paragraphing, as the transition between ideas could be smoother.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are seamless. Clarifying references and reducing any mechanical phrasing will also help improve the overall flow. Furthermore, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are logically sequenced will strengthen the organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the quantity of foreign travelers" and "the volume of foreign visitors was stood at." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "It began falling sharply" (should be "it began to fall sharply"). These issues do not severely impede communication, but they do detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate synonyms and phrases that convey the intended meaning accurately. Additionally, careful proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would help improve clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures can also elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complexity, such as the use of clauses and varied sentence structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the volume of foreign visitors was stood at" are incorrect and disrupt the flow of the writing. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as the unnecessary capitalization of "It" in the last paragraph. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader, aligning with the criteria for Band 6.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Grammar Accuracy: Review and correct grammatical structures, ensuring that sentences are formed correctly. For example, replace "was stood at" with "stood at."
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid errors that can confuse the reader.
Variety of Structures: Continue to use a mix of simple and complex sentences but ensure that complex sentences are accurate and contribute to clarity.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch and correct any minor errors that may occur as slips. This will help in producing more error-free sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph demonstrates the number of foreign travelers to three distinct areas in a European country over a period of 20 years.

In general, it is evident that there was an increasing trend in the figures for the three different destinations. However, the attraction of tourists to the lakes appears to have diminished over time.

In 1987, the figures for the coastal and mountainous areas were around 20,000 to 40,000 visitors each. Over the following five years, both areas experienced a gradual decrease before a swift recovery between 1993 and 1997. From that point onward, the number of visitors to these locations began to rise, reaching their peaks of 70,000 for the coastal area and 30,000 for the mountainous area in 2007, respectively.

Regarding the lakes destination, the volume of foreign visitors stood at only 10,000 in 1987. However, from that point until 2002, the number steadily rose, reaching a peak of exactly 70,000, which was the highest of all three areas. From that point forward, it began to fall sharply to approximately 40,000 by the end of the period.