In certain nations, parents have high academic expectations for their children, resulting in limited leisure time. What could be the potential benefits and drawbacks of this for the children and the society they are a part of?

These days, there is a fact that parents, put an academic main on their children’s performance, diminish children’s free time. While some argue that this phenomenon may possibly affect children and directly my strong conviction is that parents’ high expectations of academic results pose a threat to children’s mental well-being as well as creativity.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that children opting for the academic high scores at school might foremost, are forced to attain results and horizons. First and foremost, students would acquire a deep profound understanding of compulsory subjects at school. This is because children especially those who live up to parents’ expectations, inclined to try hard to, before adolescence, are more sharp in knowledge in various fields. Another positive side is that gradually possess a huge amount of it. result that can easily achieve an exceptional CV as a student. Good marks throughout their academic process, is by opting outstanding people. In other words, thanks to parents’ promotion, children get both diverse horizontal as well as superior principles, which can be useful for their future working life,

On the other hand, there would be several detrimental impacts on children’s mental health, and ingenuity. To begin with, it is certainly true that a chronic pressure from parents possibly give rise to some studying illness. Specially for children need to adopt to a tight schedule in order to master the school lessons according to their parents’ hope. Consequently, the offspring is — more vulnerable to become serious health issues, namely anxiety, exhaustion and stress. Take Korea as an illustration, there was 43.7 secondary adolescents suicided as a result of academic expectations from their parents in 2016. Furthermore, students’ creativity cannot be dispersed due to the limited duration by relaxation. This can be further claimed by the fact that children would be unable to, figure out if they do lack the mother nature, their imagination in their talents and do not nurture their chances to unwind engage in their leisure activities which considered necessary for their complete development are ——– to ——— their intellectual conclusion owing to parents’ high expectations on children’s learning, they have many opportunities and would be come brilliant in, many fields and benefit, the society. However, I strongly believe that children’s … creativity as well as well-being could be adversely influenced by parent’s intense desires.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"These days, there is a fact that" -> "It is a common observation that"
Explanation: "There is a fact that" is redundant and informal. "It is a common observation that" is more precise and academically appropriate, enhancing the formality of the statement.
"put an academic main on their children’s performance" -> "place a strong emphasis on their children’s academic performance"
Explanation: "Put an academic main" is unclear and informal. "Place a strong emphasis on" is clearer and more formal, accurately conveying the intended meaning.
"diminish children’s free time" -> "reduce the amount of free time available to children"
Explanation: "Diminish" is somewhat vague in this context. "Reduce the amount of free time available to children" is more specific and formally suitable.
"may possibly affect" -> "may potentially affect"
Explanation: "May possibly" is redundant. "May potentially" is more concise and maintains academic tone.
"directly my strong conviction is" -> "I firmly believe that"
Explanation: "Directly my strong conviction is" is awkward and unclear. "I firmly believe that" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"are forced to attain results and horizons" -> "are compelled to achieve academic success and broaden their horizons"
Explanation: "Attain results and horizons" is vague and informal. "Achieve academic success and broaden their horizons" is clearer and more precise, aligning with academic language.
"are more sharp in knowledge" -> "are more knowledgeable"
Explanation: "Are more sharp in knowledge" is incorrect and informal. "Are more knowledgeable" is the correct and formal expression.
"gradually possess a huge amount of it" -> "gradually accumulate a significant amount of knowledge"
Explanation: "Possess a huge amount of it" is unclear and informal. "Accumulate a significant amount of knowledge" is precise and formally appropriate.
"Good marks throughout their academic process" -> "Good grades throughout their academic careers"
Explanation: "Academic process" is not a standard term. "Academic careers" is the correct term, enhancing clarity and formality.
"opting outstanding people" -> "choosing outstanding individuals"
Explanation: "Opting outstanding people" is awkward and unclear. "Choosing outstanding individuals" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.
"give rise to some studying illness" -> "lead to various academic illnesses"
Explanation: "Give rise to some studying illness" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Lead to various academic illnesses" is grammatically correct and more precise.
"offspring is — more vulnerable to become serious health issues" -> "children are more susceptible to serious health issues"
Explanation: "Offspring is — more vulnerable to become" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Children are more susceptible to serious health issues" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"Take Korea as an illustration" -> "Consider Korea as an example"
Explanation: "Take" is informal in this context. "Consider" is more appropriate for academic writing, and "example" is preferred over "illustration" in this context.
"do lack the mother nature" -> "lack their natural inclination"
Explanation: "Do lack the mother nature" is incorrect and unclear. "Lack their natural inclination" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"do not nurture their chances to unwind engage in their leisure activities" -> "fail to nurture opportunities for relaxation and leisure activities"
Explanation: "Do not nurture their chances to unwind engage in their leisure activities" is overly complex and informal. "Fail to nurture opportunities for relaxation and leisure activities" is clearer and more formal.
"benefit, the society" -> "benefit society"
Explanation: "Benefit, the society" is grammatically incorrect. "Benefit society" is grammatically correct and maintains the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing both potential benefits and drawbacks of parents’ high academic expectations on children’s leisure time. It acknowledges the impact on children’s mental well-being and creativity as potential drawbacks, while also highlighting benefits such as academic achievement and future career prospects.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could explicitly structure its discussion around the two aspects (benefits and drawbacks) more clearly from the outset. This would help in maintaining a focused and organized response throughout the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that parents’ high academic expectations can negatively impact children’s mental well-being and creativity. This position is consistently supported throughout the essay with examples and reasoning.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly supports this central thesis. Clear topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs would further reinforce the essay’s coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks coherence and clarity in their development. There are instances of unclear or incomplete sentences that hinder the reader’s understanding. Examples and arguments are provided, but they could be further elaborated and connected to the main thesis more effectively.
- How to improve: Focus on developing each idea logically within structured paragraphs. Provide specific examples and evidence to substantiate claims, ensuring each point contributes directly to the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on topic by discussing the impact of high academic expectations on children, there are instances of unclear statements and tangential points that detract from coherence.
- How to improve: Maintain a clear focus on the prompt throughout the essay. Avoid unnecessary tangents and ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to answering the essay question.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the prompt and effectively conveys its stance on the issue, there is room for improvement in organizational clarity, coherence of ideas, and sentence structure. By refining these aspects, the essay could enhance its effectiveness in addressing the complexities of the topic and further engage the reader with a more cohesive argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the topic by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of parents’ high academic expectations on children’s leisure time. However, the organization lacks coherence. There are several instances where the ideas are not clearly connected or developed. For example, the transition between discussing benefits and drawbacks is abrupt, and the overall flow of ideas is disrupted by awkward phrasing and incomplete sentences.
The introduction introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed, making it challenging for the reader to anticipate the essay’s structure. Each body paragraph also struggles with coherence, as ideas are presented in a fragmented manner without sufficient supporting details or transitions.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it is crucial to start with a clear thesis statement that previews the main points of the essay. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and be supported by specific examples or evidence. Use topic sentences to clearly introduce the main point of each paragraph and ensure that there is a smooth flow between paragraphs. Additionally, revise sentences for clarity and completeness to avoid confusion.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different ideas but does so inconsistently. Paragraphs often lack a clear structure, with some being overly long and containing multiple disjointed ideas, while others are too short and fail to develop their points adequately. This inconsistency affects the overall coherence of the essay.
For instance, the paragraph discussing the negative impacts of high academic expectations on children’s mental health and creativity is particularly disjointed, with ideas presented in a scattered manner that hinders comprehension. The concluding paragraph also lacks a clear summary of the main points discussed, further detracting from the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs that each center around a single main idea related to the prompt. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that states the main point, followed by supporting details or examples. Ensure that paragraphs are of a moderate length to maintain reader engagement and coherence. Review each paragraph to ensure that ideas logically flow from one sentence to the next, maintaining a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this phenomenon," "these days"), conjunctions ("while," "on the one hand," "on the other hand"), and references ("take Korea as an illustration"). However, their usage is inconsistent and often incorrect, leading to confusion rather than clarity.
For example, the transition phrases used between paragraphs are abrupt, and there is a lack of cohesive devices within paragraphs to connect ideas coherently. This inconsistency in cohesive device usage contributes to the fragmented structure of the essay.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to create a more coherent and cohesive essay. Focus on using transition words and phrases effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly and purposefully to guide the reader through the logical progression of your arguments. Practice using a variety of cohesive devices to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of your writing.

Overall, to improve coherence and cohesion, focus on developing a clear and structured essay outline with a strong thesis statement, using well-organized paragraphs that each present a single main idea, and consistently employing cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance readability. These revisions will help strengthen the logical flow and coherence of your essays in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 3

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at using a variety of vocabulary, but the range is limited and often leads to unclear or awkward expressions. For instance, phrases like "a fact that parents, put an academic main on their children’s performance" and "children especially those who live up to parents’ expectations, inclined to try hard to, before adolescence, are more sharp in knowledge" lack clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, focus on using vocabulary more precisely and appropriately. Replace vague or convoluted phrases with clearer expressions. For example, instead of "put an academic main," use "emphasize academic performance," and instead of "inclined to try hard to, before adolescence, are more sharp in knowledge," use "tend to excel academically at an early age."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay often struggles with imprecise vocabulary usage, which affects clarity and coherence. For instance, "chronic pressure from parents possibly give rise to some studying illness" lacks precision and grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: Work on choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Replace vague terms like "studying illness" with more specific language such as "academic stress-related disorders" or "learning disabilities exacerbated by parental pressure."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling errors are frequent throughout the essay, affecting readability and overall presentation. Examples include "ingenuity" spelled as "ingenuity," "acquire" as "aquire," and inconsistent use of punctuation.
- How to improve: Utilize spelling and grammar check tools to address these issues. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch errors and improve overall accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates effort in utilizing vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in clarity, precision, and accuracy. Focusing on clearer expression of ideas, using vocabulary more precisely, and ensuring correct spelling and grammar will enhance the lexical resource and overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, many sentences suffer from grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which diminishes the overall effectiveness of expression. For instance, sentences like "These days, there is a fact that parents, put an academic main on their children’s performance, diminish children’s free time" are structurally complex but suffer from grammatical inaccuracies and unclear phrasing.
- How to improve: To enhance variety and effectiveness, focus on clearer sentence structures with correct grammar. Utilize complex sentences more effectively by ensuring clarity and coherence. Practice using conjunctions and transitions to connect ideas seamlessly.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay struggles with numerous grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout. Examples include incorrect verb forms ("might foremost, are forced"), awkward phrasing ("possess a huge amount of it. result that can easily achieve"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect use of periods). These issues impede readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, review basic grammar rules, especially verb forms, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Pay attention to punctuation marks such as commas and periods to clarify meaning and improve readability. Proofread carefully to identify and correct errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt with some depth, the effectiveness of communication is hindered by significant grammatical issues. Focusing on improving sentence structure variety, clarity, and grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of expression and coherence in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, it is a common observation that parents place a strong emphasis on their children’s academic performance, which reduces the amount of free time available to children. While some argue that this phenomenon may potentially affect children positively, I firmly believe that parents’ high expectations of academic results pose a threat to children’s mental well-being as well as creativity.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that children striving for high academic scores are compelled to achieve academic success and broaden their horizons. Firstly, students develop a deeper understanding of mandatory school subjects. This is because children, especially those meeting their parents’ expectations, are more knowledgeable in various fields before adolescence. Another positive outcome is that they gradually accumulate a significant amount of knowledge, resulting in an impressive academic record that distinguishes them as outstanding individuals. In other words, thanks to parental encouragement, children gain both broad knowledge and strong principles that can benefit their future careers.

On the other hand, there are several detrimental impacts on children’s mental health and creativity. To begin with, chronic pressure from parents can lead to various academic illnesses, especially when children need to adhere to tight schedules to master school lessons as expected by their parents. Consequently, children become more susceptible to serious health issues such as anxiety, exhaustion, and stress. Consider Korea as an example, where a significant number of adolescents committed suicide in 2016 due to academic pressures imposed by their parents.

Furthermore, children’s creativity suffers when they lack opportunities for relaxation and leisure activities. This is evident as children fail to nurture opportunities for relaxation and leisure activities, which are necessary for their holistic development. As a result of parents’ high expectations on children’s academic performance, although children have many opportunities to excel in various fields and benefit society, I strongly believe that children’s mental well-being and creativity could be adversely influenced by parents’ intense desires.