In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the government's responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In numerous nations, children are getting obese and unhealthy, yet some people consider it is the government’s duty to deal with this circumstance. This essay attempts to clarify two reasons why I am of the opinion that the government should not be responsible for this phenomenon.

To commence with, children do not have full awareness of what they consume. A possible explanation for this is that they don’t comprehend and ignore what is inside the products they eat, especially high-calorie ones. An significant example is whenever they are hungry or totally out of energy, they will often look for snacks or refreshment containing a high proportion of calories. As a result, without an actual knowledge of what they should eat, this phenomenon remains a burden to the younger generation, which prevents them from keeping in shape and avoiding health disorders.

Another notable reason for this is the fact that parents do not usually pay enough attention to children’s physical development. In this case, parents can easily let their kids consume unhealthy foods by feeding them inappropriate types of food. Recent empirical research has shown that parents whose diets are not only lacking vitamins and nutritions but also provide sustainable fat and calories can make their children severely overweight in the long term. Therefore, physical disability and health diseases are inevitable toward the young, and parents fail to lay the foundation for them about a healthy lifestyle.

All things considered, I am of the firm conviction that it is not the authorities’ duties related to the prevalence of children’s obesity rate in countries. Parents should have different approaches to lead their kids to a more felicitous and healthier condition.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"getting obese and unhealthy" -> "becoming obese and unhealthy"
Explanation: "Becoming" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "getting" in academic writing, enhancing the formality of the sentence.
"it is the government’s duty" -> "it is the responsibility of the government"
Explanation: "Responsibility" is a more formal term than "duty," and specifying "of the government" clarifies the subject more accurately.
"deal with this circumstance" -> "address this issue"
Explanation: "Address" is a more precise and formal term than "deal with" in academic contexts, and "issue" is more specific than "circumstance."
"To commence with" -> "To begin with"
Explanation: "To begin with" is a more standard and formal transitional phrase in academic writing.
"they don’t comprehend and ignore" -> "they fail to comprehend and disregard"
Explanation: "Fail to comprehend and disregard" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.
"An significant example" -> "A significant example"
Explanation: "A" is the correct indefinite article before a singular noun, correcting the grammatical error.
"whenever they are hungry or totally out of energy" -> "when they are hungry or exhausted"
Explanation: "Exhausted" is a more precise and formal term than "totally out of energy."
"will often look for snacks or refreshment" -> "frequently seek snacks or refreshments"
Explanation: "Frequently seek" is more formal and precise than "will often look for," and "refreshments" is the plural form appropriate for the context.
"without an actual knowledge" -> "without actual knowledge"
Explanation: "Actual knowledge" is grammatically correct and more concise.
"this phenomenon remains a burden" -> "this phenomenon continues to pose a burden"
Explanation: "Continues to pose a burden" is more formal and accurately describes the ongoing nature of the issue.
"keeping in shape" -> "maintaining their physical health"
Explanation: "Maintaining their physical health" is a more precise and formal expression than "keeping in shape."
"not only lacking vitamins and nutritions" -> "lacking essential vitamins and nutrients"
Explanation: "Essential" and "nutrients" are the correct terms, and the phrase is grammatically corrected.
"provide sustainable fat and calories" -> "provide excessive fat and calories"
Explanation: "Excessive" is the correct term to describe an overabundance of fat and calories in a negative context.
"can make their children severely overweight" -> "can lead to their children becoming severely overweight"
Explanation: "Lead to their children becoming severely overweight" is a more formal and causally explicit phrase.
"physical disability and health diseases" -> "physical disabilities and health disorders"
Explanation: "Disabilities" and "disorders" are the correct terms for the types of health issues mentioned.
"it is not the authorities’ duties" -> "it is not the responsibility of the authorities"
Explanation: "Responsibility" is more specific and formal than "duties," and specifying "of the authorities" clarifies the subject.
"a more felicitous and healthier condition" -> "a healthier and more favorable condition"
Explanation: "More favorable" is a more formal and precise term than "more felicitous," which is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing reasons why the government should not be solely responsible for children’s obesity and health issues.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider exploring potential roles the government could play in addressing this issue while still emphasizing individual and parental responsibility.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
-Detailed explanation**: The essay maintains a clear stance that the government should not be solely responsible for children’s health supported by reasons related to individual awareness and parental influence.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by explicitly stating it in the introduction and conclusion to ensure consistency throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two main reasons supporting the argument, elaborating on the lack of awareness in children and the role of parents in their physical development.
- How to improve: To enhance idea development, consider providing more specific examples or statistics to further support the arguments and make them more compelling.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively stays on topic by discussing the government’s role in addressing children’s obesity and health issues.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the prompt and avoid straying into unrelated topics.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues against the notion of government responsibility for children’s health issues. To improve, consider refining the clarity of the position, providing more detailed examples, and ensuring all content directly relates to the topic at hand.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs presenting reasons, and a conclusion. The introduction sets up the argument, the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting the writer’s opinion, and the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to connect ideas more effectively. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore," or "Moreover," can help guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point. However, the second body paragraph could be further developed to provide more detailed examples or explanations to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. In the second body paragraph, consider expanding on the impact of parents’ neglect on children’s health and providing specific examples to illustrate this point more effectively.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this phenomenon," "another notable reason") and transitional phrases ("To commence with," "Another notable reason"). However, is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used to create stronger connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "on the other hand," or "as a result," establish clearer relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, using cohesive devices like parallel structure or repetition can reinforce key points and improve overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with varied word choices such as "phenomenon," "empirical research," "prevalence," "felicitous," and "nutritions." These words enhance the depth and complexity of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced vocabulary related to the topic. For instance, instead of using "unhealthy foods," you could use terms like "processed foods" or "junk food" to provide more precise descriptions.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where more precise word choices could be beneficial. For example, instead of using "physical disability," you could use "physical ailments" or "health conditions" for a more specific and accurate description.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the context in which you use words and aim for more precise vocabulary choices to convey your ideas more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, with only minor errors like "nutritions" (should be "nutrition") and "felicitous" (correct spelling). Overall, spelling accuracy is commendable.
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully and using spell-check tools to catch any errors before submitting your essay. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary can help you become more familiar with correct spellings of various words.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and simple sentences. Transition words and phrases are used effectively connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, "To commence with" and "Another notable reason for this is" show a good attempt at using different sentence structures to convey ideas.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences (e.g., If…then…), passive voice constructions, and relative clauses. This will add depth and sophistication to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are some instances of errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("parents do not usually pay" should be "parents do not usually pay") and missing articles ("parents fail to lay the foundation for them about a healthy lifestyle" should be "parents fail to lay the foundation for them about a healthy lifestyle"). Punctuation marks are used appropriately to separate ideas and clarify meaning.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and article usage. Proofreading your essay carefully before submission can help you catch and correct these errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from a teacher or tutor to identify and address recurring grammar issues.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries, children are becoming obese and unhealthy, yet some individuals believe that it is the responsibility of the government to address this issue. This essay aims to explain two reasons why I disagree with the notion that the government should be held accountable for this situation.

To begin with, children often lack awareness of the nutritional of their food. They fail to comprehend and disregard what is actually present in the products they consume, particularly those high in calories. A example is when they are hungry or exhausted, they frequently seek snacks or refreshments without actual knowledge of their nutritional value. Consequently, this phenomenon continues to pose a burden on the younger generation, hindering them from maintaining their physical health and preventing health disorders.

Another crucial factor is the lack of attention from parents towards their children’s dietary habits. Parents may unknowingly allow their children to consume unhealthy foods by providing them with nutritionally inadequate meals. Recent studies have indicated that parents who themselves lack essential vitamins and nutrients and offer foods high in fat and calories can lead to their children becoming severely overweight over time. As a result, physical disabilities and health disorders become more prevalent among the youth, as parents neglect to instill healthy lifestyle habits in their children.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is not the responsibility of the authorities to address the rising rates of childhood obesity in countries. Instead, parents should take a more proactive role in guiding their children towards a healthier and more favorable condition.