In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

In the contemporary era, children are facing health deterioration in several countries, and it is thought that the government is responsible for taking action to ameliorate this problem. From my point of view, I am in agreement with this statement.
Notably, taking on a role in dealing with childhood obesity and unhealthy habits from the government can engender discernible disadvantages for the young. The first incontrovertible and prominent downside is that this could trigger inadequate funding. Irrefutably, government programs typically suffer from budget constraints, proportionally, which could presumably limit their scope and exert an adverse impact on the development of youngsters, resulting in poorly executed programs and failing to address the problem comprehensively. The second unquestionable and noticeable drawback is that this would lack personalization.
Conversely, being in charge of childhood health, the governemnt can offer certain noteworthy benefits to the young. The primary and intrinsic upside is to alleviate the high obesity rate in the population. Indubitably, were a prohibition to be implemented on fat-rich fast foods, which are believed to be the main culprit of obesity, the number of overweight young people would shrink in size. Another inherent and intangible advantage of this phenomenon is that the government would bring in public awareness campaigns. Undeniably, the official authority could likely launch large-scale campaigns to educate parents and children, proportionately, which would probably allow them to broaden their horizons about the importance of healthy lifestyles, hence, creating a healthy society in the future.
In conclusion, while the government can trigger detrimental drawbacks to the young in coping with overweight and unhealthy situations, the advantages of this phenomenon are more unquestionably beneficial in light of the aforementioned reasoning.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"kids" -> "children"
Explanation: "Kids" is a colloquial term and is less formal for academic writing. "Children" is a more suitable and formal alternative.
"it is thought that" -> "it is widely believed that"
Explanation: "It is thought that" is somewhat vague and lacks specificity. "It is widely believed that" strengthens the assertion and adds clarity to the statement.
"From my point of view" -> "In my opinion"
Explanation: "From my point of view" is informal; "In my opinion" is a more formal and standard phrase for academic writing.
"engender discernible disadvantages" -> "result in noticeable drawbacks"
Explanation: "Engender discernible disadvantages" is unnecessarily complex. "Result in noticeable drawbacks" conveys the same meaning more clearly and concisely.
"incontrovertible" -> "undeniable"
Explanation: While "incontrovertible" is not incorrect, "undeniable" is more commonly used and easier to understand, maintaining the same level of formality.
"prominent" -> "significant"
Explanation: "Prominent" is more commonly used to describe visibility or importance in a physical sense. "Significant" is a better fit for describing importance in this context.
"could presumably limit their scope" -> "might restrict their effectiveness"
Explanation: "Could presumably limit their scope" is somewhat redundant and unclear. "Might restrict their effectiveness" provides a clearer expression of the potential outcome.
"exert an adverse impact" -> "have a negative effect"
Explanation: "Exert an adverse impact" is overly formal. "Have a negative effect" is a simpler and clearer alternative.
"unquestionable" -> "undeniable"
Explanation: "Unquestionable" is less common in formal writing. "Undeniable" serves the same purpose and is more appropriate here.
"noticeable" -> "significant"
Explanation: "Noticeable" is somewhat informal. "Significant" maintains formality while conveying a similar meaning.
"this would lack personalization" -> "this approach may lack individualization"
Explanation: "Lack personalization" is unclear and informal. "Lack individualization" clarifies the issue and is more formal.
"Conversely, being in charge of childhood health, the government can offer certain noteworthy benefits to the young." -> "Conversely, assuming responsibility for childhood health, the government can provide significant advantages to young individuals."
Explanation: "Being in charge of childhood health" is slightly informal. "Assuming responsibility for childhood health" is more formal and precise. "Noteworthy benefits" is vague; "significant advantages" is clearer and more formal.
"intrinsic" -> "fundamental"
Explanation: "Intrinsic" is less common in academic writing. "Fundamental" is more widely understood and used in formal contexts.
"alleviate the high obesity rate" -> "reduce the prevalence of obesity"
Explanation: "Alleviate the high obesity rate" is somewhat wordy. "Reduce the prevalence of obesity" is a simpler and more direct alternative.
"Indubitably" -> "Undoubtedly"
Explanation: "Indubitably" is less common and somewhat archaic. "Undoubtedly" is a more straightforward and widely understood term.
"were a prohibition to be implemented on fat-rich fast foods" -> "if a ban were imposed on high-fat fast foods"
Explanation: "Were a prohibition to be implemented" is convoluted. "If a ban were imposed" is simpler and clearer.
"number of overweight young people would shrink in size" -> "number of overweight youths would decrease"
Explanation: "Shrink in size" is redundant. "Decrease" is a more concise alternative.
"intangible" -> "implicit"
Explanation: "Intangible" may not be the most precise word choice here. "Implicit" suggests something inherent or implied, which fits the context better.
"public awareness campaigns" -> "public health campaigns"
Explanation: "Public awareness campaigns" is somewhat general. "Public health campaigns" is more specific and appropriate in this context.
"could likely launch large-scale campaigns" -> "could initiate extensive campaigns"
Explanation: "Could likely launch" is redundant. "Could initiate extensive campaigns" is more concise and clear.
"proportionately" -> "accordingly"
Explanation: "Proportionately" is not the most suitable adverb here. "Accordingly" better conveys the idea of alignment with needs or circumstances.
"broaden their horizons" -> "increase their understanding"
Explanation: "Broaden their horizons" is somewhat informal. "Increase their understanding" is a more formal alternative.
"hence, creating a healthy society in the future" -> "thus contributing to the establishment of a healthy society in the future"
Explanation: "Hence, creating a healthy society in the future" is somewhat informal and lacks specificity. "Thus contributing to the establishment of a healthy society in the future" is more formal and precise.
"while the government can trigger detrimental drawbacks to the young in coping with overweight and unhealthy situations" -> "although government intervention may entail drawbacks for young individuals dealing with obesity and unhealthy habits"
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more straightforward and clear.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by expressing agreement with the idea that the government should take responsibility for addressing childhood obesity and unhealthy habits. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of government intervention.
- How to improve: While the essay acknowledges both sides of the argument, it could strengthen its response by providing more specific examples or data to support its claims. Additionally, expanding on the potential consequences of inadequate funding and lack of personalization would enhance the depth of analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by consistently supporting the idea that the government should play a role in addressing childhood obesity and unhealthy habits. Each paragraph reinforces this stance.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the thesis in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion to ensure that the reader understands the author’s viewpoint from the outset.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas and supports them with reasoning and examples. It discusses the potential drawbacks of government intervention, such as inadequate funding and lack of personalization, as well as the benefits, such as reducing obesity rates and raising public awareness.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas more effectively, the essay could incorporate relevant statistics, studies, or real-life examples to provide stronger evidence for the arguments presented. Additionally, developing each point with more depth and elaboration would strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the issue of childhood obesity and the role of the government in addressing it. However, there are some instances where the discussion veers slightly off topic, such as when mentioning budget constraints and lack of personalization.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the essay should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central theme of childhood obesity and the government’s responsibility. Avoiding tangential discussions would help maintain coherence and clarity in the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments for both sides, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, presenting reasons and supporting details in a coherent manner.
- How to improve: While the logical organization is generally effective, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs could enhance coherence. Consider using transition phrases or sentences to connect ideas more seamlessly and guide the reader through the essay’s progression.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different points and arguments. Each paragraph presents a cohesive idea or argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear topic sentence and provides sufficient elaboration and support for the main idea. Additionally, consider varying the length and structure of paragraphs to maintain reader engagement and interest.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "Notably," "Conversely," "In conclusion") to connect ideas and enhance coherence. These devices help guide the reader through the essay and clarify the relationship between different points.
- How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, incorporating a wider range of transitional expressions and coherence markers could further enhance the essay’s coherence and cohesion. Additionally, pay attention to the placement and usage of cohesive devices to ensure they strengthen the overall structure and flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating varied and sophisticated language throughout. For instance, phrases like "taking on a role," "engender discernible disadvantages," "incontrovertible and prominent downside," "irrefutably," and "indubitably" contribute to a sophisticated lexical repertoire. However, there is room for enhancement in the diversity of vocabulary used. Expanding the range by incorporating more specialized terminology related to health, nutrition, government policies, and societal impacts could further enrich the essay’s lexical resource.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider integrating specialized vocabulary pertinent to the topic. For example, instead of repeatedly using phrases like "the government," explore alternatives such as "public authorities," "policy makers," or "official institutions." Additionally, introduce domain-specific terminology related to health promotion, obesity prevention strategies, and public health initiatives to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas and arguments. Instances of precise vocabulary usage include "high obesity rate," "fat-rich fast foods," "public awareness campaigns," and "healthy lifestyles." However, there are occasional instances where vocabulary could be more precise to avoid ambiguity or enhance clarity. For instance, the phrase "intrinsic upside" could be replaced with a more specific term to precisely convey the inherent advantages of government intervention in addressing childhood obesity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, focus on selecting terms that accurately capture the intended meaning without ambiguity. Consider using terminology that directly corresponds to the concepts being discussed, avoiding overly general or abstract terms. Additionally, strive to use vocabulary that aligns closely with the context of the essay, ensuring clarity and coherence in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of spelling accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are a couple of instances where spelling inaccuracies are present. For example, "governemnt" should be corrected to "government." Overall, spelling errors do not significantly detract from the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading, spell-checking tools, and increased attention to detail during the writing process. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and irregularities to minimize errors in future writing endeavors. Practicing spelling through exercises and incorporating feedback on spelling errors can also contribute to ongoing improvement in this area.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex, compound, and simple sentences. Complex sentences such as "From my point of view, I am in agreement with this statement" and compound sentences like "Notably, taking on a role in dealing with childhood obesity and unhealthy habits from the government can engender discernible disadvantages for the young" contribute to the coherence and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To further enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence patterns, such as using participial phrases or inverted sentences. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can add rhythm and emphasis to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors occur, such as subject-verb agreement ("the governemnt can offer") and punctuation issues ("proportionally, which could presumably limit their scope"). These errors do not significantly impede comprehension but are noticeable.
- How to improve: Reviewing grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement and punctuation marks like commas can help in minimizing these errors. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can also aid in identifying and correcting such mistakes, ensuring greater accuracy in written expression. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific grammatical issues can be beneficial for targeted improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to fine-tuning specific grammatical structures and punctuation usage can elevate the clarity and precision of the writing, potentially leading to even higher scores in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, children in many nations are grappling with health issues, notably obesity and poor lifestyle habits. Some argue that it’s the government’s duty to address this concern. I tend to agree with this viewpoint.

One undeniable drawback of governmental involvement in tackling childhood obesity and unhealthy behaviors is the potential for insufficient funding. Government initiatives often face budget constraints, which may limit their effectiveness and fail to comprehensively address the issue. Additionally, there’s a concern that such interventions might lack personalization.

On the flip side, government intervention can offer significant advantages for young individuals. By taking responsibility for childhood health, the government can play a fundamental role in reducing the prevalence of obesity. For instance, imposing restrictions on high-fat fast foods could lead to a decrease in the number of overweight youths. Furthermore, the government could initiate extensive public health campaigns to educate both parents and children, thereby increasing awareness about healthy lifestyles and contributing to the establishment of a healthier society in the future.

In conclusion, while there may be drawbacks to government intervention in addressing childhood obesity and unhealthy habits, the benefits are undoubtedly significant. Therefore, I believe that government involvement is essential in combating this pressing issue.