In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

These days in many parts of the world children are busy with some kind of paid work. Some people think that this is negative for them, whilst others say it helps them with experience. However, i don’t agree with this and why i will explain below.
On the one hand, many people think that if the children are engaged in some kind of work, they will not be lazy and learn a lot in life. If they have their own work, they cannot create various problems. They will also see difficult moments in life as their parents suffer, with what difficulty they earn money. In addition, they will have experience in the future, developing among the working people.
On the other hand, others thing that this is completely wrong, because every person must be educated at school on time. Work prevents them from learning, doing in time for additional classes, doing homework. This will not give them a chance to learn something new and they vary from others with opinions. When their friends think in a modern way but they don’t understand it.
I think that the best way for children to learn and engage in some kind of sport. If they hardly learn more and more new things, they can do their best in the world. With the help of the plans drawn up, they can start their own business and make a career, share experiences with their knowledge, can also travel around the world and expand their horizons.
To conclude, although working beneficial for younger generation with experience but i really believe that if children study hard they will reach many achievements in their life in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "These days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator than "These days," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context.

2. "busy with some kind of paid work" -> "engaged in various forms of paid employment"
   Explanation: "Engaged in various forms of paid employment" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone by avoiding the vagueness of "some kind of paid work."

3. "Some people think" -> "Some individuals contend"
   Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal verb that is suitable for academic writing, replacing the more casual "think."

4. "i don’t agree with this" -> "I do not concur with this"
   Explanation: Capitalizing "I" and replacing "don’t" with "do not" aligns with formal writing standards, and "concur" is a more precise and formal synonym for "agree."

5. "why i will explain below" -> "I will elaborate below"
   Explanation: "Elaborate" is a more formal verb than "explain," and removing the unnecessary "why" improves the sentence structure for academic writing.

6. "many people think" -> "many individuals believe"
   Explanation: "Believe" is a more formal verb than "think," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal academic writing.

7. "they will not be lazy and learn a lot in life" -> "they will not be idle and acquire significant knowledge"
   Explanation: "Idle" is a more precise term than "lazy," and "acquire significant knowledge" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "learn a lot in life."

8. "cannot create various problems" -> "cannot generate numerous challenges"
   Explanation: "Generate numerous challenges" is more specific and formal than "create various problems," which is somewhat vague and informal.

9. "with what difficulty they earn money" -> "with the difficulties they face in earning a living"
   Explanation: "The difficulties they face in earning a living" is a clearer and more formal expression than "with what difficulty they earn money."

10. "they will have experience in the future" -> "they will gain experience in the future"
    Explanation: "Gain" is a more precise verb than "have" in this context, indicating the acquisition of experience.

11. "others thing" -> "others believe"
    Explanation: "Believe" is the correct verb form, replacing the incorrect "thing."

12. "doing in time for additional classes, doing homework" -> "completing assignments and attending additional classes on time"
    Explanation: "Completing assignments and attending additional classes on time" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea.

13. "they vary from others with opinions" -> "they differ from others in their perspectives"
    Explanation: "Differ from others in their perspectives" is more precise and formal than "vary from others with opinions."

14. "learn and engage in some kind of sport" -> "pursue academic and athletic endeavors"
    Explanation: "Pursue academic and athletic endeavors" is a more formal and comprehensive phrase than "learn and engage in some kind of sport."

15. "they can do their best in the world" -> "they can excel globally"
    Explanation: "Excel globally" is a more precise and formal expression than "do their best in the world."

16. "With the help of the plans drawn up" -> "With the guidance of the plans developed"
    Explanation: "Guidance" and "developed" are more formal and precise terms than "help" and "drawn up," respectively.

17. "make a career" -> "establish a career"
    Explanation: "Establish a career" is a more formal and precise term than "make a career."

18. "share experiences with their knowledge" -> "share their experiences and knowledge"
    Explanation: "Share their experiences and knowledge" is grammatically correct and more formal than "share experiences with their knowledge."

19. "can also travel around the world and expand their horizons" -> "may also travel globally and broaden their perspectives"
    Explanation: "May also travel globally and broaden their perspectives" is more formal and precise, replacing the casual "can also travel around the world and expand their horizons."

20. "although working beneficial for younger generation with experience" -> "although working is beneficial for the younger generation, providing them with experience"
    Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and clear.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding child labor, acknowledging the perspectives that it can provide valuable experience and that it may hinder education. However, the treatment of these views is somewhat superficial. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly delineate the arguments for each side. The second paragraph presents a weak argument for the benefits of work, lacking specific examples or depth. The counterargument is also vague and does not fully explore the implications of child labor on education and development.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly separate the discussion of each viewpoint into distinct paragraphs. Each viewpoint should be supported with specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the points being made. This would provide a more comprehensive response to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a personal opinion that prioritizes education over work for children, but this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the text. The introduction suggests a balanced discussion, but the conclusion seems to lean more towards the educational perspective without adequately integrating the discussion of both views. The phrase "if children study hard they will reach many achievements" is vague and does not convincingly tie back to the earlier arguments.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and consistently refer back to it when discussing both viewpoints. Additionally, reinforcing the position with strong concluding statements that summarize the arguments made would help clarify the stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For example, the claim that work prevents children from learning is made but not elaborated upon. The mention of "difficult moments in life" is vague and does not provide a clear connection to the benefits of work. The essay also lacks a logical flow, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argumentation.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should focus on developing each point with clear explanations and relevant examples. Using specific scenarios or studies to illustrate the impact of child labor on education and personal development would strengthen the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical structure would enhance clarity.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on the topic of child labor, there are moments where the focus shifts. For instance, the discussion about sports in the third paragraph seems somewhat disconnected from the main argument about work and education. This diversion can confuse the reader and detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly related to the prompt. Avoid introducing unrelated ideas, such as sports, unless they are clearly tied to the discussion of work and education. Each paragraph should contribute to answering the question posed in the prompt.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should work on clearly addressing all parts of the question, maintaining a consistent position, developing and supporting ideas with relevant examples, and staying focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of work to the drawbacks is somewhat abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs are generally related but could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main point of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph begins with a general statement about the benefits of work but could be more explicitly linked to how this experience is valuable for children.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the benefits of work, a transitional phrase like "Conversely" could help introduce the opposing viewpoint more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with distinct sections for each viewpoint and a conclusion. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. The first body paragraph presents several ideas about the benefits of work, but they are not fully elaborated. Similarly, the second body paragraph lacks depth and clarity, particularly in the explanation of how work prevents learning.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by specific examples or explanations. For instance, in the second body paragraph, instead of stating that work prevents learning, provide examples of how this occurs, such as the impact of work on homework completion or participation in extracurricular activities. This would add depth and clarity to the argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to introduce contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For example, the phrase "with what difficulty they earn money" is awkward and does not clearly connect to the preceding ideas. Additionally, the use of "however" in the introduction is somewhat misplaced, as it does not effectively transition to the author’s opinion.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," and "As a result." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used in a context that clearly connects ideas. For example, rephrasing the awkward sentence to something like "They will gain insight into the challenges their parents face in earning a living" would enhance clarity and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on the logical flow of ideas, developing paragraphs with specific examples, and diversifying cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "engaged," "experience," and "achievements" appearing throughout. However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly with phrases like "some kind of work" and "children." This lack of variety can hinder the overall impression of lexical resource.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "some kind of work," alternatives such as "various forms of employment" or "paid labor" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "vocational training" or "entrepreneurial skills," would elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "create various problems" and "think in a modern way." These phrases are vague and do not clearly convey the intended meaning. For instance, "create various problems" could be interpreted in multiple ways, which detracts from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using more specific language to convey their ideas. For example, instead of saying "create various problems," they could specify the types of problems, such as "face challenges related to time management." Similarly, "think in a modern way" could be replaced with "adapt to contemporary societal norms." This precision will strengthen the arguments presented.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" instead of "I," "thing" instead of "think," and "younger generation" instead of "younger generations." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should make a habit of proofreading their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a list of frequently used terms can aid in enhancing spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, using more precise language, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("These days in many parts of the world children are busy with some kind of paid work.") and compound sentences ("Some people think that this is negative for them, whilst others say it helps them with experience."). However, the range is limited, with a noticeable reliance on basic sentence forms. For instance, the phrase "they cannot create various problems" is straightforward but lacks complexity. Additionally, the use of subordinate clauses is minimal, which restricts the depth of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "If they have their own work, they cannot create various problems," the writer could say, "By engaging in their own work, children not only avoid creating various problems but also learn valuable life lessons." This approach will add sophistication to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "others thing that this is completely wrong" should be "others think that this is completely wrong." Additionally, the use of "i" instead of "I" is a significant oversight. There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas that could improve readability, particularly in compound sentences. For example, "If they hardly learn more and more new things, they can do their best in the world" could be clearer with a comma after "things."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and capitalization. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance the overall clarity of the writing.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and addresses the prompt, there is a need for greater variety in sentence structures and improved grammatical accuracy. By incorporating more complex sentences and diligently proofreading for grammatical and punctuation errors, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, in many parts of the world, children are engaged in various forms of paid employment. Some individuals contend that this is detrimental to their development, while others consider it to be valuable work experience. However, I do not concur with this view, and I will elaborate below.

On the one hand, many individuals believe that if children are engaged in some form of work, they will not be idle and will acquire significant knowledge about life. By having their own responsibilities, they cannot generate numerous challenges. They will also witness the difficulties their parents face in earning a living, which can provide them with a deeper understanding of the world. In addition, they will gain experience that will benefit them in the future, as they develop alongside working adults.

On the other hand, others believe that this practice is completely wrong because every child must prioritize their education. Paid work can hinder their learning, making it difficult for them to complete assignments and attend additional classes on time. This situation may prevent them from acquiring new knowledge and skills, leading to a divergence in perspectives compared to their peers. While their friends may embrace modern ideas, they may struggle to understand them.

I think that the best approach for children is to pursue academic and athletic endeavors. If they focus on learning and developing new skills, they can excel globally. With the guidance of the plans developed, they can establish a career, share their experiences and knowledge, and may also travel globally to broaden their perspectives.

To conclude, although working is beneficial for the younger generation by providing them with experience, I firmly believe that if children study diligently, they will achieve many successes in their lives in the future.