In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
In many countries, citizen is living for a longer time period than previous years. This fact is bringing controversy ideas whether it is benefit or drawback to the governments and society. From my perspective, the advantages are much more to consider than its disadvantages.
The elderly had more experience to provide to society than younger people nowadays. They had more knowledge and wisdom to give. And if we can ulterlize the older generation we could take advantages of the workforce to improve the nation economic all over the word.
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Errors and Improvements:
"citizen is living" -> "citizens are living"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks subject-verb agreement. Changing "citizen is living" to "citizens are living" ensures proper agreement and maintains a formal tone.
"This fact is bringing controversy ideas" -> "This phenomenon has generated controversial ideas"
Explanation: The original wording is unclear and lacks precision. The suggested change introduces the term "phenomenon" for clarity and replaces "bringing controversy ideas" with "has generated controversial ideas" for a more formal expression.
"advantages are much more to consider than its disadvantages" -> "advantages outweigh the disadvantages"
Explanation: The original phrase is less concise and lacks precision. The suggested change streamlines the sentence by stating that "advantages outweigh the disadvantages," providing a clearer expression of the author’s perspective.
"ulterlize" -> "utilize"
Explanation: "Ulterlize" is not a recognized word. Replacing it with "utilize" corrects the error and maintains formality.
"take advantages of the workforce" -> "capitalize on the workforce"
Explanation: "Take advantages of" is not idiomatic. The suggested change, "capitalize on the workforce," is a more formal and appropriate way to express the idea of making the most of the older generation’s potential.
"nation economic all over the word" -> "national economy worldwide"
Explanation: The original phrase contains grammatical errors and lacks precision. Changing "nation economic all over the word" to "national economy worldwide" corrects the grammar and enhances the formality of the expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt, acknowledging the debate surrounding the implications of an ageing population. However, it falls short in fully exploring both advantages and disadvantages. The essay lacks depth in discussing the benefits and drawbacks, providing only a brief mention of the advantages without delving into specific details or examples.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the writer should dedicate more attention to each aspect of the question. Offering specific examples for both advantages and disadvantages would provide a more balanced and comprehensive response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance favoring the advantages of having an ageing population. However, the lack of elaboration and development weakens the clarity of the position. The essay would benefit from a more nuanced and detailed exploration of the advantages to strengthen the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should provide a more in-depth discussion of the advantages, offering examples and evidence to support the position. This would make the stance more convincing and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay briefly mentions the idea that older individuals possess valuable knowledge and wisdom, but it lacks elaboration and fails to extend and support this point adequately. There is a lack of specific examples or evidence to reinforce the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide concrete examples and detailed explanations. Illustrating how the older generation contributes to the workforce and improves the economy would strengthen the overall argument and make it more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the advantages of having an ageing population. However, the lack of depth and specificity in the discussion may make the essay seem slightly off-topic or superficial.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the writer should avoid general statements and provide specific details and examples related to both advantages and disadvantages. This would ensure that the essay remains closely aligned with the prompt and demonstrates a more thorough understanding of the topic.
Overall, to improve the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim for a more balanced exploration of the advantages and disadvantages, provide specific examples to support their points, and offer a more detailed and nuanced discussion of the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear organizational structure. The introduction briefly introduces the topic but fails to provide a roadmap for the reader. The body paragraph contains a single point and lacks development, making the flow of ideas disjointed. The conclusion is abrupt and does not effectively summarize the main points or provide closure. The essay’s logical organization needs improvement to enhance overall coherence.
How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider adopting a clear essay structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Start the introduction with a hook, provide background information, and present a thesis statement outlining the main points. In the body paragraphs, each point should be developed with supporting details, and there should be smooth transitions between paragraphs. The conclusion should restate the thesis and summarize the main points to create a cohesive and well-organized essay.
Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. It consists of only two paragraphs, making it challenging for the reader to follow the development of ideas. The first paragraph attempts to introduce the topic and express a viewpoint, while the second paragraph presents a single point without sufficient elaboration. The absence of clear paragraph breaks disrupts the essay’s overall coherence and makes it difficult for the reader to navigate.
How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, break the essay into multiple paragraphs with each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Start a new paragraph for each major point to create a more organized and reader-friendly structure. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a smooth transition to the next paragraph. This approach will improve the flow of ideas and contribute to better coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective use of cohesive devices, such as transition words or phrases, to connect ideas and create coherence. The absence of clear transitions between sentences and ideas contributes to a choppy and disjointed flow. The reader may struggle to follow the logical progression of the argument due to the limited use of cohesive devices.
How to improve: To enhance cohesion, incorporate a variety of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Use transitional words and phrases to signal relationships between ideas, such as "however," "furthermore," or "in conclusion." Ensure that there is a logical connection between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay smoothly. This will help create a more cohesive and well-structured piece of writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with repeated use of certain words such as "advantages," "disadvantages," and "society." There is a lack of variety and depth in vocabulary, and the expressions used are somewhat basic.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "advantages," you could use terms like "benefits," "positives," or "merits." This will add richness to your language and make your essay more engaging. Additionally, explore more complex and specific vocabulary related to economic improvement and societal contributions.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary lacks precision in some instances. For example, the phrase "ulterlize the older generation" is unclear and imprecise. It appears to be a typographical error, and the intended meaning is not conveyed clearly.
- How to improve: Ensure that your choice of words accurately reflects your intended meaning. In this case, using "utilize" instead of "ulterlize" would make the sentence more precise and understandable. Proofread your essay carefully to catch such errors and improve the overall clarity of your expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains spelling errors, such as "ulterlize" instead of "utilize." These errors can impact the reader’s understanding and create a negative impression of your language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools during the writing process. Additionally, allocate some time for careful proofreading before submitting your essay. Developing a habit of reviewing your work for spelling errors will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.
Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are essential to elevate the lexical quality of the writing. Expand your repertoire of words, choose words carefully to convey precise meanings, and pay close attention to spelling details to enhance the overall effectiveness of your essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. There is a tendency to use simple sentence structures, and the essay lacks variety in sentence lengths and complexity. For instance, the majority of sentences are relatively short, which may affect the overall flow and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall quality of the essay, consider incorporating a mix of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth and variety. Utilize compound sentences to connect ideas more seamlessly. For example, instead of relying on short sentences, try combining related ideas to create more complex and engaging structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that impact clarity. For instance, the phrase "citizen is living" should be corrected to "citizens are living." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in sentences like "From my perspective, the advantages are much more to consider than its disadvantages." The phrase "all over the word" should be corrected to "all over the world."
- How to improve: To address grammatical issues, review basic grammar rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct punctuation errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to enhance accuracy. Focus on consistently applying these corrections throughout the essay to improve overall grammatical precision.
Overall, while the essay conveys the writer’s perspective, enhancing sentence variety and addressing grammatical errors will contribute to a more sophisticated and coherent presentation.
Bài sửa mẫu
In various nations, citizens are now living for extended periods compared to previous years. This phenomenon has generated controversial ideas regarding whether it is beneficial or detrimental to governments and society. From my perspective, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
The elderly possess more experience to contribute to society compared to younger individuals nowadays. They have accumulated more knowledge and wisdom to share. If we can capitalize on the older generation, we could take advantage of their workforce to enhance the national economy worldwide.