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In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.
To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In our contemporary world, the conundrum of whether older people should live longer or decrease their aging population is a multifaceted issue that necessitate thorough contemplation. This dilemma encompasses both advantageous and detrimental aspects, with proponents advocating for the living rights or the elderly, critics underscoring the wasted resources used for this objects. This essay posits that the benefits of having older people overwhelms the disadvantages.
On one hand, proponents of diminishing the aging population argue that this factor can lead to several problems to the society. Firstly, in spite of investing money more in the education of young people and the facilities and infrastructure of the country, the government have to extract some money to help old people. The elderly are no longer have the ability to contribute to the society and they have their own children to take care of them so using the money from the government if such a waste. Secondly, aging population can also lead to the unavailability of lands due to the overpopulation nowadays. When old people passed away, they will give their lands to their children so their sons and daughters will have a place to live stably without having to buy other lands.
On the other hand, the argument for encouraging old people to live longer is rooted in the benefits it brings back. Although the elderly can not do some overloaded work or cope with any global problems, they can contribute their abilities to the society such as knitting socks for disabled people or growing plants and flowers for the local parks. Not only that, the elderly is the one who have a myriad of living experiences and valuable lessons concluted by their whole life so they can teach and orient young people to go right path and do right things. Exemplifying this approach is Canda, celebrated as one of the best country for taking care of elder people. Canada has operated many organizations which the elderly can contribute their value and endeavour to develop the society such as the elderly TV show, helping other with love, etc. Thereby, creating a conducive and civilised society where people are treated equally.
Nonetheless, from my vantage point, the imperative lies in the responsibility of the government. They should encourage their citizens to help and facilitate good conditions for older people. The government should also operate some activities where the elderly can underpin their health and psychological status.
In conclusion, although there are those who advocate for the diminishment of older people, however, from my perspective, each person has the same right to live and it is apparent that the elderly can still contribute to the society by many ways. We should be sympathetic and always encouraging and helping other people irrespective of their age, gender, etc.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "necessitate thorough contemplation" -> "require careful consideration"
    Explanation: The phrase "necessitate thorough contemplation" is a bit verbose. Replacing it with "require careful consideration" maintains formality while using a more concise expression.

  2. "the wasted resources used for this objects" -> "the resources allocated for this purpose"
    Explanation: The phrase "the wasted resources used for this objects" is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "the resources allocated for this purpose" corrects the grammar and enhances formality by using more precise language.

  3. "in spite of investing money more" -> "despite allocating additional funds"
    Explanation: The phrase "in spite of investing money more" is grammatically awkward. Replacing it with "despite allocating additional funds" improves the sentence structure and employs more sophisticated vocabulary.

  4. "The elderly are no longer have the ability" -> "The elderly no longer have the ability"
    Explanation: The phrase "The elderly are no longer have the ability" contains a redundancy. Removing "are" improves grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "contributing to the society" -> "contributing to society"
    Explanation: The phrase "contributing to the society" should be corrected to "contributing to society" for grammatical accuracy.

  6. "the unavailability of lands" -> "land scarcity"
    Explanation: "the unavailability of lands" is less precise and formal than "land scarcity." The suggested change improves clarity and maintains a more academic tone.

  7. "knitting socks for disabled people" -> "crafting socks for individuals with disabilities"
    Explanation: The phrase "knitting socks for disabled people" can be refined by using "crafting socks for individuals with disabilities," which is more formal and inclusive.

  8. "valuable lessons concluted by their whole life" -> "valuable lessons accumulated throughout their lifetime"
    Explanation: "valuable lessons concluted by their whole life" is not grammatically correct. Replacing it with "valuable lessons accumulated throughout their lifetime" improves the sentence structure and uses more precise language.

  9. "endeavour to develop the society" -> "contribute to societal development"
    Explanation: "endeavour to develop the society" can be refined to "contribute to societal development" for a more formal and precise expression.

  10. "Nonetheless, from my vantage point" -> "Nevertheless, in my view"
    Explanation: "Nonetheless, from my vantage point" is a bit informal. Replacing it with "Nevertheless, in my view" maintains formality and clarity.

  11. "each person has the same right to live" -> "every individual has the equal right to life"
    Explanation: "each person has the same right to live" can be improved to "every individual has the equal right to life" for a more formal and precise statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both aspects of the prompt, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of having an ageing population. However, the analysis is somewhat limited. The essay mainly focuses on the benefits of older people, with less emphasis on potential problems or challenges posed by an ageing population.

    • How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should provide a more balanced exploration of both advantages and disadvantages. This can be achieved by allocating equal attention to each perspective and supporting arguments with specific examples.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does present a clear position, asserting that the benefits of having older people outweigh the disadvantages. However, there are instances where the arguments seem more focused on the advantages without thoroughly addressing potential drawbacks.

    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph consistently supports the overarching stance. Additionally, addressing counterarguments can further solidify the position and demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the issue.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but some lack development and supporting details. For instance, the benefits of older people contributing to society are discussed, but specific examples are limited. The point about wasted resources is made, but it lacks elaboration.

    • How to improve: To improve idea presentation, the writer should provide more concrete examples and details to support arguments. This can involve expanding on the positive contributions of older individuals and offering specific instances where resources might be perceived as wasted.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of having an ageing population. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt is somewhat loose, such as the discussion on land availability.

    • How to improve: To enhance focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Avoiding tangential discussions and consistently tying arguments back to the central theme will contribute to a more focused and relevant essay.

In conclusion, while the essay successfully addresses the prompt, improvements can be made in providing a more balanced discussion, strengthening the clarity of the position, offering detailed examples, and maintaining consistent relevance to the topic. These adjustments will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. It introduces the issue and the two contrasting viewpoints coherently in the introduction. Each body paragraph discusses one side of the argument, providing relevant examples and explanations. The conclusion succinctly restates the main argument. However, there are moments where the logical flow is hindered by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, revise sentences for clarity and coherence. Ensure that the transition between ideas is seamless. For instance, in the third paragraph, the shift from discussing disadvantages to advantages is abrupt; consider adding a transitional sentence to smooth this transition.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more refined. Each paragraph generally addresses a single point, but some are overly lengthy, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, making it harder to discern the main idea.
    • How to improve: Break longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones, each centered on a specific idea. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. This will enhance readability and help the reader follow the essay’s structure more easily.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, including linking words (e.g., "although," "however," "nonetheless") and pronouns. However, the excessive use of certain phrases, such as "on the other hand," can make the writing repetitive. Additionally, some transitions could be refined for smoother connections between ideas.
    • How to improve: Vary the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Experiment with synonyms or alternative phrases to maintain reader engagement. Consider refining transitions to create a more seamless connection between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, in the second paragraph, use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the shift from the first to the second point more smoothly.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Ensuring clarity and variety in language will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied language, some words are repeated, and the expression lacks diversity. For instance, terms like "aging population," "society," and "government" are recurrent. There is potential for improvement in incorporating more nuanced and varied vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical resource.
    • How to improve: Introduce synonyms and alternative expressions to avoid repetition. Instead of consistently using "aging population," consider using phrases like "elderly demographic," "senior citizens," or "the older generation." This diversification will contribute to a more sophisticated and varied vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. While some terms are used appropriately (e.g., "overpopulation," "facilitate," "imperative"), there are instances of imprecise language, such as "concluded by their whole life" and "diminishment of older people." Precision can be improved by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning and avoiding vague expressions.
    • How to improve: Choose words with specific meanings. For example, instead of "concluded by their whole life," consider using "gained through a lifetime of experiences." Similarly, replace "diminishment" with more precise terms like "reduction" or "decrease." This will enhance the clarity and accuracy of your vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of spelling errors throughout the essay. For example, "conundrum," "necessitate," "underscoring," "concluted," and "Canda." These errors, though not pervasive, detract from the overall spelling accuracy of the essay.
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processing software to catch and rectify mistakes. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or using online platforms to enhance spelling accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably good grasp of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Diversifying vocabulary, using words more precisely, and addressing spelling errors will contribute to an overall enhancement of the lexical resource, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures. There is evidence of simple and complex sentences, but more complex structures, such as compound-complex sentences, could enhance the overall variety. Some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing or incomplete constructions.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences for a more sophisticated expression of ideas. Pay attention to the clarity of each sentence, ensuring that complex structures do not compromise clarity. Review sentence structures to eliminate awkward phrasing and ensure completeness.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("dilemma encompasses," "elderly are no longer have"), awkward word choices ("contemplation" may be too formal), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect use of conjunctions).
    • How to improve: Strengthen grammatical accuracy by carefully proofreading for subject-verb agreement, correct word choices, and proper punctuation. Ensure clarity by avoiding overly formal language when it may impede understanding. Specifically, revise instances of awkward phrasing and address punctuation errors for a more polished presentation. Consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to catch nuances that may be overlooked.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, enhancing sentence structure variety and addressing specific grammatical issues can contribute to a more refined and cohesive piece. Regular proofreading, attention to clarity, and incorporating diverse sentence structures will contribute to a more sophisticated expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

In our contemporary world, the question of whether older people should live longer or reduce their aging population is a multifaceted issue that requires careful consideration. This dilemma encompasses both advantageous and detrimental aspects, with proponents advocating for the living rights of the elderly, and critics underscoring the resources allocated for this purpose. This essay posits that the benefits of having older people outweigh the disadvantages.

On one hand, proponents of diminishing the aging population argue that this factor can lead to several problems for society. Firstly, despite allocating additional funds to the education of young people and the development of facilities and infrastructure, the government has to allocate some money to help old people. The elderly no longer have the ability to contribute to society, and they have their own children to take care of them, making the use of government funds for this purpose seem wasteful. Secondly, an aging population can also lead to land scarcity due to overpopulation. When old people pass away, they pass their lands on to their children, providing them with a stable place to live without the need to purchase additional land.

On the other hand, the argument for encouraging old people to live longer is rooted in the benefits it brings. Although the elderly may not be able to handle heavy work or address global issues, they can contribute their abilities to society, such as crafting socks for individuals with disabilities or cultivating plants and flowers for local parks. Moreover, the elderly possess a wealth of living experiences and valuable lessons accumulated throughout their lifetime, enabling them to teach and guide young people on the right path and proper conduct. Canada serves as an example of this approach, celebrated as one of the best countries for caring for the elderly. Canada has established numerous organizations where the elderly can contribute their wisdom and efforts to societal development, such as elderly TV shows and initiatives helping others with love, fostering a conducive and civilized society where people are treated equally.

Nevertheless, in my view, the imperative lies in the responsibility of the government. They should encourage citizens to help and create favorable conditions for older people. The government should also organize activities that support the health and psychological well-being of the elderly.

In conclusion, although there are those who advocate for the diminishment of older people, from my perspective, every individual has the equal right to life, and it is apparent that the elderly can still contribute to society in many ways. We should be sympathetic, always encouraging, and willing to help others, irrespective of their age, gender, etc.

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