In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In this day and age, it has become increasingly common for individuals to live longer than in the past. Although many point out that ageing population brings detrimental effects for authority, I would argue that the benefits for society as a whole overshadow these perceived drawbacks.

On the one hand, aged population brings financial burden to the government. This is because they have to meet their basic needs like proper healthcare, and monthly annuity as most of them are retired. To illustrate, since elders have health problems, the government has to provide them free medicines, medical kits and also medical treatments. Hence, the government is not able to invest more money in other vital sectors.

On the other hand, elders have a positive influence on society, especially for families. For instance, young people like to consult elders for advice when they want to make important decisions related to careers or when planning to get married. Thus, some advice from elders is quite valuable and significant. Moreover, aged people have a propensity for taking good care of children. To explain, since they do not have any career commitments, they tend to spend their free time for the happiness of teenagers. As a consequence, young ones can live in a safe and secure home environment.

In conclusion, despite the economic impacts of an older population demographic, I believe the tangible benefits for families make this a positive development.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "In contemporary times"
   Explanation: Replacing the informal phrase "In this day and age" with "In contemporary times" aligns with academic style and maintains a formal tone.

2. "Although many point out that ageing population brings detrimental effects for authority" -> "Although many argue that an aging population has adverse effects on governance"
   Explanation: The phrase "detrimental effects for authority" is not a common academic expression. Replacing it with "has adverse effects on governance" conveys the same idea in a more formal manner.

3. "I would argue that" -> "I contend that"
   Explanation: "I would argue that" can be replaced with the more formal and precise "I contend that" to enhance the essay’s academic tone.

4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
   Explanation: Replacing the informal transitional phrase "On the one hand" with "Firstly" is a more formal way to introduce the first point in the essay.

5. "aged population" -> "elderly population"
   Explanation: Using "elderly population" instead of "aged population" is more precise and academically appropriate terminology.

6. "they have to meet their basic needs like proper healthcare" -> "they require essential services such as adequate healthcare"
   Explanation: Substituting "have to meet their basic needs" with "require essential services" and replacing "like proper healthcare" with "such as adequate healthcare" makes the sentence more formal and precise.

7. "monthly annuity" -> "pensions"
   Explanation: "Monthly annuity" can be replaced with the more common term "pensions," which is more suitable for academic writing.

8. "To illustrate" -> "For example"
   Explanation: "To illustrate" is less formal than "For example," and the latter is a more appropriate transition in academic writing.

9. "since elders have health problems" -> "given that the elderly experience health issues"
   Explanation: Using "given that the elderly experience health issues" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to convey the same information.

10. "the government has to provide them free medicines, medical kits and also medical treatments" -> "the government is obligated to provide them with medications, medical supplies, and medical treatments free of charge"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence with more precise language and removing redundancy improves its formality and clarity.

11. "the government is not able to invest more money in other vital sectors" -> "the government’s ability to allocate additional funds to crucial sectors is limited"
    Explanation: The phrase "is not able to invest more money" can be replaced with "ability to allocate additional funds," which is more formal and clear.

12. "On the other hand" -> "Secondly"
    Explanation: Similar to point 4, replacing "On the other hand" with "Secondly" is a more formal way to introduce the second point in the essay.

13. "elders have a positive influence on society" -> "the elderly exert a positive influence on society"
    Explanation: Using "exert" instead of "have" and "the elderly" instead of "elders" enhances the formality of the sentence.

14. "some advice from elders is quite valuable and significant" -> "counsel from the elderly holds considerable value and significance"
    Explanation: Substituting "some advice from elders" with "counsel from the elderly" and using more formal language improves the sentence’s academic tone.

15. "aged people" -> "elderly individuals"
    Explanation: "Aged people" can be replaced with "elderly individuals" for a more formal and precise term.

16. "propensity for taking good care of children" -> "inclination to provide excellent care for children"
    Explanation: The phrase "propensity for" can be replaced with "inclination to," and "taking good care of children" can be rephrased as "provide excellent care for children" for a more formal expression.

17. "young ones" -> "youth"
    Explanation: "Young ones" can be replaced with "youth" to maintain a formal and precise language style.

18. "make this a positive development" -> "constitute a positive outcome"
    Explanation: Substituting "make this a positive development" with "constitute a positive outcome" improves the formality and precision of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of having an aging population and clearly presents a position that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The essay adequately addresses all elements of the question.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and consistent position throughout. It argues that the benefits of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages, and this stance is maintained throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The essay effectively maintains a clear and consistent position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples and explanations for both the disadvantages (financial burden on the government) and advantages (positive influence on families) of an aging population.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The essay successfully presents, elaborates upon, and supports its ideas.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic and maintains a focus on the advantages and disadvantages of having an aging population. There are no significant deviations from the main topic.
  • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect. The essay effectively maintains focus and relevance to the topic.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong response to the essay prompt. It effectively addresses all aspects of the question, maintains a clear position, presents and supports ideas coherently, and stays on topic. The essay’s main weakness is being under the word limit, which may limit the depth of analysis and explanation in some areas. To improve, the author should consider expanding on their points and providing more detailed examples to further strengthen their argument and meet the word count requirement.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the main argument and provides an overview of the points to be discussed. The body paragraphs follow a structured approach, with one paragraph discussing the disadvantages and another focusing on the advantages of an aging population. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, consider using transitional phrases between sentences and paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, you can provide more specific examples to support your arguments and make the progression of ideas even clearer.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with clear topic sentences that introduce the main point of each paragraph. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the disadvantages, and the third explores the advantages.
  • How to improve: While the structure of the paragraphs is sound, you can improve paragraph transitions by using linking words or phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices effectively. For instance, it uses transition words like "although," "on the one hand," and "on the other hand" to signal shifts in the argument. However, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and frequency of cohesive devices.
  • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "in addition"), and synonyms to avoid repetition. This will help create a stronger sense of connection between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve further, focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices and refining paragraph transitions to create a more polished and coherent piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use a variety of words and phrases, but it lacks some sophistication. For example, phrases like "financial burden," "basic needs," "elderly people," and "positive influence" are used, but there is room for more diverse vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim for greater diversity in vocabulary. Synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and more nuanced language can enhance the lexical resource. Instead of using common phrases, consider exploring alternatives that convey similar meanings but with more precision and depth.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies throughout the essay. There are instances where words and phrases are used accurately, such as "financial burden" and "positive influence." However, there are also imprecise usages, such as "monthly annuity" (repetitive with "retired"), "free medicines" (should be "medication"), and "propensity" (a less common word choice).
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary precision, the writer should carefully choose words that precisely convey their intended meanings. Avoid redundancy and opt for more specific terms where possible. Additionally, avoid less common words if a simpler one suffices to ensure clarity and fluency.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally good, with only minor issues. Some examples of minor errors include "day and age" (should be "day and age"), "anuity" (should be "annuity"), "propensity" (a less common word choice), and "tend to spend their free time for the happiness of teenagers" (awkward phrasing).
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully. Pay attention to common spelling mistakes and ensure consistent use of correct spelling throughout the essay. Additionally, focus on improving sentence structures and phrasing to avoid awkward constructions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource. To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary further, use words more precisely, and pay meticulous attention to spelling and phrasing. Additionally, refining sentence structures for clarity and fluency will contribute to overall improvement in the lexical resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. It includes simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, there are simple sentences like "On the other hand, elders have a positive influence on society," compound sentences like "Although many point out that ageing population brings detrimental effects for authority," and complex sentences like "To illustrate, since elders have health problems, the government has to provide them free medicines, medical kits, and also medical treatments."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and sentence variety further, consider incorporating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences, passive voice, and relative clauses. This will add sophistication to your writing and help you better convey nuanced ideas.

• Use Grammar Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some minor grammatical issues. For example, "since elders have health problems," should be "since elders often have health problems," to improve clarity and accuracy. Another instance is "for the happiness of teenagers," where "of teenagers" should be replaced with "for teenagers’ happiness." These issues do not significantly impede comprehension, but addressing them would further improve the essay’s quality.
  • How to improve: Continue to pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and preposition usage. Proofreading and revising your essay can help eliminate such minor grammatical errors.

• Use Correct Punctuation:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses correct punctuation. Commas are appropriately placed in some instances, such as "To illustrate, since elders have health problems, the government has to provide them free medicines, medical kits, and also medical treatments." However, there are a few punctuation errors, like "most of them are retired," where a comma should be inserted after "retired" to create a clearer pause. Additionally, "since they do not have any career commitments, they tend to spend their free time for the happiness of teenagers" would benefit from a comma after "commitments" for improved clarity.
  • How to improve: Review the rules of comma usage, especially regarding introductory phrases and separating items in a list. Practicing these rules will help refine your punctuation skills and make your writing even more polished.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, it has become increasingly common for individuals to live longer than in the past. Although many argue that an aging population has adverse effects on governance, I contend that the advantages for society as a whole outweigh these perceived disadvantages.

Firstly, the elderly population places a financial burden on the government. This is because they require essential services such as adequate healthcare and pensions, especially since most of them are retired. For example, given that the elderly experience health issues, the government is obligated to provide them with medications, medical supplies, and medical treatments free of charge. Consequently, the government’s ability to allocate additional funds to crucial sectors is limited.

Secondly, the elderly exert a positive influence on society, especially within families. Counsel from the elderly holds considerable value and significance. Elderly individuals have a natural inclination to provide excellent care for children, which is particularly beneficial for youth. For instance, young people often seek guidance from their elders when making important decisions related to careers or when planning to get married. The wisdom and life experience they offer can constitute a positive outcome for the younger generation. Moreover, since the elderly do not have career commitments, they tend to spend their free time ensuring the happiness and well-being of teenagers. As a consequence, young ones can grow up in a safe and secure home environment.

In conclusion, despite the economic impacts of an older population demographic, I believe that the tangible benefits for families and society as a whole make this a positive development.