In many countries, people are spending more hours at their workplace. Why is that? Is that a negative or positive development?

In many countries, people are spending more hours at their workplace. Why is that? Is that a negative or positive development?

In numerous countries, individuals are dedicating more time to their jobs for the reason of earning more money and career prospect. However, I firmly believe that this trend brings detrimental effects.

On the one hand, there are many reasons for the prolonging of worktime. First, due to the increasingly high living cost, employees need to exceeding working hours to receive overtime pay maintaining a high standard of living. In other words, for many people, working long hours is no longer a choice but a necessity to earn a good living. Secondly, with the workplace competition growing more intense, many individuals push themselves harder by working extra hours to gain recognition from there leaders, moving up the ladder.

However, I strongly believe that this tendency brings more harm than good. Extended work hours can have several negative consequences on health and social relationships. Regarding heath issue, overworking often leads to increased stress and depression which affects laborer's mental. In addition, prolonged hours at a desk can contribute to problems such as obesity and it may also worsen eyesight. In terms of social connection, spending excessive time at work causes individuals to have less opportunity engaging in social activities or enjoying personal time. This leads to an imbalance between work and life which can weaken personal relationships and reduce overall quality of life.

In conclusion, although longer work hours may offer financial and career benefits, the negative impact on health and personal relationships is significant.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "dedicating more time to their jobs for the reason of earning more money and career prospect" -> "devoting more time to their jobs to earn more money and enhance career prospects"
   Explanation: "devoting" is more formal than "dedicating," and "enhance" is more precise than "career prospect," which is vague and can be improved for clarity and formality.

2. "this trend brings detrimental effects" -> "this trend has detrimental effects"
   Explanation: The verb "has" is more appropriate in this context, indicating a present state or condition, which is more suitable for discussing ongoing trends.

3. "prolonging of worktime" -> "extension of working hours"
   Explanation: "Extension of working hours" is a more formal and precise term than "prolonging of worktime," which is awkward and less commonly used.

4. "employees need to exceeding working hours" -> "employees need to exceed working hours"
   Explanation: "Exceed" should be used as a verb, not a noun, to correctly convey the action of going beyond the standard hours.

5. "maintaining a high standard of living" -> "to maintain a high standard of living"
   Explanation: Adding "to" before "maintain" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more formal and grammatically correct.

6. "working long hours is no longer a choice but a necessity" -> "working long hours is no longer a choice but a necessity"
   Explanation: This is a correct and complete sentence, but it could be rephrased to "working long hours has become a necessity" for a more formal tone.

7. "push themselves harder by working extra hours" -> "push themselves harder by working additional hours"
   Explanation: "Additional" is more precise and formal than "extra," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.

8. "gain recognition from there leaders" -> "gain recognition from their leaders"
   Explanation: "Their" is the correct possessive form, correcting the grammatical error and improving readability.

9. "Extended work hours can have several negative consequences on health and social relationships" -> "Extended work hours can have several negative consequences for health and social relationships"
   Explanation: Adding "for" clarifies the relationship between the extended work hours and the consequences, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and formality.

10. "Regarding heath issue" -> "Regarding health issues"
    Explanation: "Health issues" is the correct plural form, and "Regarding" should be used with a plural noun.

11. "affects laborer’s mental" -> "affects laborers’ mental health"
    Explanation: "Laborers’ mental health" is the correct possessive form and adds specificity to the impact discussed.

12. "spending excessive time at work causes individuals to have less opportunity engaging in social activities" -> "spending excessive time at work reduces the opportunity for individuals to engage in social activities"
    Explanation: "Reduces the opportunity for" is a more formal and precise way to express the impact on social activities, improving the sentence’s clarity and formality.

13. "This leads to an imbalance between work and life which can weaken personal relationships" -> "This leads to an imbalance between work and life, potentially weakening personal relationships"
    Explanation: Adding "potentially" softens the statement and aligns with academic style by avoiding absolute statements.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses the reasons for increased working hours and evaluates whether this trend is positive or negative. However, the analysis is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the essay mentions financial necessity and workplace competition as reasons for longer hours, it lacks depth in exploring these causes. The response could benefit from more detailed examples or statistics to substantiate these claims.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should delve deeper into each reason for longer working hours. Including specific examples, such as referencing particular industries or demographic groups affected, would enhance the argument. Additionally, discussing the implications of these reasons on a broader societal level could provide a more rounded perspective.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the trend of longer working hours, stating that it has detrimental effects. However, the transition between discussing the reasons for longer hours and the negative impacts could be smoother. The phrase "However, I strongly believe…" effectively signals a shift in focus, but the connection between the two sections could be more explicitly articulated.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use transitional phrases that link the reasons for longer hours to the negative consequences more explicitly. For example, after discussing the reasons, the writer could introduce the negative impacts by stating how these reasons directly lead to the issues discussed later in the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the negative impacts of longer working hours, such as health issues and social relationship deterioration. However, the support for these ideas is limited. For instance, while it mentions stress and obesity, it does not provide any data or examples to illustrate the severity of these issues. The ideas are presented but lack sufficient extension and support.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that highlight the negative consequences of overworking. For instance, citing research that shows the correlation between long working hours and mental health issues would strengthen the argument. Additionally, personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios could make the points more relatable and impactful.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for longer working hours and their negative consequences. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the discussion on health issues could be more directly tied back to the overall argument about the negative impacts of longer working hours.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central thesis. This can be achieved by reiterating the main argument at the beginning of each paragraph and ensuring that all examples and explanations serve to support that argument.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for a more thorough exploration of the prompt, enhance the clarity of their position, provide more substantial support for their ideas, and ensure that all content remains tightly focused on the topic. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as being under the required word count can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons for increased work hours and the negative impacts of this trend, followed by a conclusion. The logical flow is generally effective; for instance, the transition from discussing reasons for longer work hours to the negative consequences is smooth. However, the argument could be strengthened by more explicitly linking the reasons to the consequences, thereby enhancing the overall coherence. For example, the connection between the need for overtime due to high living costs and the resulting stress could be more clearly articulated.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, after discussing the reasons for increased work hours, a phrase like "This necessity for longer hours not only impacts financial stability but also has significant repercussions on health and personal life" could help clarify the relationship between the two sections.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first body paragraph addresses the reasons for longer work hours, while the second discusses the negative impacts. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph. For instance, the first sentence of the second body paragraph could be more assertive in stating that the author believes the negative effects outweigh the positives.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. Additionally, consider using concluding sentences that summarize the key points of each paragraph, reinforcing the argument and aiding the reader’s understanding.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "first," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the flow could be improved. For example, the phrase "on the one hand" is used effectively, but the corresponding phrase for the opposing view is missing, which could create a more balanced structure.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "furthermore" or "moreover" to introduce additional points, or "conversely" to present opposing views, would enhance the cohesion of the essay. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and improve the flow between sentences.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall argument and a potential increase in the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "detrimental effects," "high living cost," and "workplace competition." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrase "working long hours" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall sophistication of the language. Additionally, expressions like "high standard of living" and "good living" could be varied to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "working long hours," alternatives such as "extended working hours" or "prolonged work shifts" could be employed. Furthermore, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "work-life balance," "economic pressures," or "professional advancement," would enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "for the reason of earning more money and career prospect" could be more clearly articulated. The term "prospect" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with "advancement opportunities" for clarity. Additionally, the phrase "due to the increasingly high living cost" could be refined to "due to the rising cost of living," which is a more commonly used expression.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing and revising phrases for clarity. Utilizing resources such as thesauruses or vocabulary lists specific to the topic can help in selecting more precise terms. Moreover, practicing paraphrasing common phrases can aid in developing a more nuanced vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "heath" instead of "health," "laborer’s" when it should be "laborers," and "there leaders" instead of "their leaders." These errors can undermine the overall quality of the writing and distract the reader from the content.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, taking a moment to read through it carefully can help catch spelling mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can provide immediate feedback on spelling errors. Regular practice with spelling exercises or quizzes can also reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion of the IELTS Task 2 essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "However" effectively transitions between ideas. Additionally, the sentence "In other words, for many people, working long hours is no longer a choice but a necessity to earn a good living" showcases a complex structure that conveys a nuanced argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or varied clause placements.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or conditional phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Many individuals" or "Extended work hours," the writer could vary the subject or use introductory clauses. Practicing the use of relative clauses and participial phrases could also add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "need to exceeding working hours" should be corrected to "need to exceed working hours." Additionally, "regarding heath issue" should be "regarding health issues." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "which affects laborer’s mental" where a comma after "depression" would clarify the sentence structure.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review verb forms and ensure subject-verb agreement. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common error patterns can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors, particularly in complex sentences, can help improve clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers before finalizing the essay could also assist in identifying and correcting mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In numerous countries, individuals are devoting more time to their jobs in order to earn more money and enhance their career prospects. However, I firmly believe that this trend has detrimental effects.

On the one hand, there are several reasons for the extension of working hours. First, due to the increasingly high cost of living, employees need to exceed their working hours to receive overtime pay, which is essential for maintaining a high standard of living. In other words, for many people, working long hours is no longer a choice but a necessity to earn a decent income. Secondly, with workplace competition growing more intense, many individuals push themselves harder by working additional hours to gain recognition from their leaders and advance in their careers.

However, I strongly believe that this tendency brings more harm than good. Extended work hours can have several negative consequences for health and social relationships. Regarding health issues, overworking often leads to increased stress and depression, which affects laborers’ mental health. In addition, spending prolonged hours at a desk can contribute to problems such as obesity and may also worsen eyesight. In terms of social connections, spending excessive time at work reduces the opportunity for individuals to engage in social activities or enjoy personal time. This leads to an imbalance between work and life, potentially weakening personal relationships and diminishing overall quality of life.

In conclusion, although longer working hours may offer financial and career benefits, the negative impact on health and personal relationships is significant.