In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with academic subjects. What do you think are the possible reasons? What are the effects on children in their lives?

In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with academic subjects.
What do you think are the possible reasons? What are the effects on children in their lives?

In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with academic subjects. Let's find out what do you think are the possible reasons? And what are the effects on children in their lives?
The first, we find out what do you think are the possible reasons? Sports and exercise also known as PE. PE is not a criteria for university admission. To be able to get into good universities, students only need good grades for academic subjects, such as: Maths, English, Literature, Physics,…so schools and parents tend to prioritize those subjects. Next, PE creates less career opportunities than other academic subjects. When following PE, we can only do jobs like: trainer, PE teacher, professional athletes. To do those jobs you need to really have talent and effort because the selection rate is very high, maybe 1/100 or 1/1000.
The second, We will learn about the effects on children in their lives of not exercising. That has a bad impact student’s health. It has a negative impact in two ways are physical health and mental health. Children do not exercise much when they do not exercise is not good for student’s physical development. If children do not learn PE and only study academic subjects, they will feel stress or fatigue. Moreover, children do not study PE, they miss the opportunity to faster life skills as: team work, communication skill,…
Balance your child's academic subjects and PE studies so that they can develop in the best way possible.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Let’s find out what do you think are the possible reasons?" -> "Let us explore the possible reasons why you think this is the case."
   Explanation: The original phrase is informal and awkwardly structured. The suggested revision is more formal and aligns better with academic writing by using the formal "Let us" and rephrasing for clarity and formality.

2. "The first, we find out what do you think are the possible reasons?" -> "First, let us consider the possible reasons why this is the case."
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and uses a more formal tone suitable for academic writing.

3. "Sports and exercise also known as PE." -> "Sports and exercise, also referred to as Physical Education (PE)."
   Explanation: The original phrase is incomplete and informal. The revision adds clarity and formality by specifying the full term "Physical Education" and using a more precise phrase structure.

4. "PE is not a criteria for university admission." -> "Physical Education (PE) is not a criterion for university admission."
   Explanation: The original is grammatically incorrect and lacks specificity. The revision corrects the grammar and specifies the term "criterion" for clarity and formality.

5. "To be able to get into good universities, students only need good grades for academic subjects, such as: Maths, English, Literature, Physics,…" -> "To gain admission to prestigious universities, students typically require strong grades in core academic subjects such as mathematics, English, literature, and physics."
   Explanation: The original is informal and lacks precision. The revision uses more formal language and provides a clearer, more comprehensive list of subjects.

6. "Next, PE creates less career opportunities than other academic subjects." -> "Furthermore, Physical Education (PE) offers fewer career opportunities compared to other academic subjects."
   Explanation: The original is vague and informal. The revision is more precise and formal, specifying "fewer career opportunities" and using "offers" for a more academic tone.

7. "When following PE, we can only do jobs like: trainer, PE teacher, professional athletes." -> "Upon pursuing a career in Physical Education, one may typically consider roles such as trainer, PE teacher, or professional athlete."
   Explanation: The original is informal and lacks specificity. The revision is more formal and provides a clearer, more professional description of career options.

8. "To do those jobs you need to really have talent and effort because the selection rate is very high, maybe 1/100 or 1/1000." -> "To excel in these roles, one requires exceptional talent and dedication, given the highly competitive selection rates, which may be as low as 1 in 100 or 1 in 1,000."
   Explanation: The original is informal and lacks precision. The revision uses more formal language and provides a clearer, more academic explanation of the competitive nature of these careers.

9. "That has a bad impact student’s health." -> "This has a detrimental impact on students’ health."
   Explanation: The original is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and uses more formal language to describe the impact on health.

10. "It has a negative impact in two ways are physical health and mental health." -> "It has a negative impact on both physical and mental health."
    Explanation: The original is awkwardly phrased and grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the impact on both physical and mental health.

11. "Children do not exercise much when they do not exercise is not good for student’s physical development." -> "Lack of exercise can negatively affect students’ physical development."
    Explanation: The original is awkwardly phrased and redundant. The revision simplifies and clarifies the statement, removing redundancy and improving formality.

12. "If children do not learn PE and only study academic subjects, they will feel stress or fatigue." -> "If children do not engage in Physical Education and focus solely on academic subjects, they may experience stress or fatigue."
    Explanation: The original is informal and lacks precision. The revision uses more formal language and specifies the type of education, enhancing clarity and formality.

13. "children do not study PE, they miss the opportunity to faster life skills as: team work, communication skill," -> "children not studying Physical Education miss the opportunity to develop essential life skills such as teamwork and communication skills."
    Explanation: The original is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and uses more formal language, specifying the skills and improving the sentence structure.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: the reasons for the replacement of sports and exercise classes with academic subjects and the effects on children. The reasons provided include the lack of criteria for university admission related to physical education and the limited career opportunities associated with it. However, the explanation of these reasons could be more nuanced and detailed. For example, while the essay mentions that sports do not contribute to university admissions, it could explore societal values or educational policies that prioritize academics over physical education. The effects on children are discussed, focusing on health impacts and the loss of life skills, but these points are somewhat underdeveloped.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into each reason and effect. For the reasons, consider discussing broader societal trends or educational philosophies that contribute to this shift. For the effects, providing specific examples or studies that illustrate the health impacts or skills gained from physical education would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the replacement of sports with academic subjects has negative implications for children. However, the phrasing in the introduction is somewhat confusing, particularly the question "Let’s find out what do you think are the possible reasons?" which could mislead the reader about the author’s stance. The position becomes clearer in the body paragraphs, but the initial ambiguity detracts from the overall clarity.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the introduction should explicitly state the author’s viewpoint without posing questions that suggest uncertainty. Using definitive language, such as "This essay will discuss the reasons for this trend and its negative effects on children," would clarify the author’s stance from the outset.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the reasons for the shift away from sports and the effects on children, but these ideas are not fully extended or supported. For instance, the mention of career opportunities is a good start, but it lacks depth. Similarly, the discussion of health impacts is valid but could benefit from more elaboration on how these impacts manifest in children’s lives.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should provide examples, statistics, or expert opinions that reinforce their claims. For instance, citing studies that link physical activity with improved mental health or academic performance would add credibility and depth to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s requirements. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the transition between discussing reasons and effects. The phrase "The second, We will learn about the effects on children in their lives of not exercising" introduces a slight disconnect, as it shifts the focus without a clear transition.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should use clearer transitions between sections. Instead of stating "The second," a more fluid transition could be "In addition to these reasons, it is important to consider the effects on children." This would help the essay flow better and keep the reader engaged with the central topic throughout.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, but it would benefit from deeper exploration of the points made, clearer positioning, and improved transitions to enhance coherence and clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction that outlines the topic and two main body paragraphs addressing the reasons for the replacement of sports with academic subjects and the effects on children. However, the logical flow is somewhat hindered by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For instance, the phrase "The first, we find out what do you think are the possible reasons?" is confusing and does not effectively introduce the first point. Additionally, the transition between discussing reasons and effects could be more fluid.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should use clearer topic sentences that directly state the main idea of each paragraph. For example, instead of "The first, we find out what do you think are the possible reasons?", a more straightforward approach could be "One significant reason for the replacement of sports with academic subjects is the lack of emphasis on physical education in university admissions." Furthermore, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness is compromised by some structural issues. The first paragraph mixes reasons without clearly delineating them, and the second paragraph, while focused on effects, lacks depth and could benefit from more detailed examples. The conclusion is somewhat abrupt and does not effectively summarize the main points discussed.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. The writer could separate the reasons into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the lack of university admission criteria for PE and the other on career opportunities. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each reason. In the effects paragraph, the writer should elaborate on the negative impacts of reduced physical activity, perhaps providing specific examples or statistics to support the claims. Finally, the conclusion should reiterate the main points and suggest a balanced approach to education.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Next" and "Moreover," but their usage is limited and at times awkward. For example, "To be able to get into good universities" could be better connected to the previous sentence to enhance flow. Additionally, the use of phrases like "that has a bad impact student’s health" lacks clarity and grammatical correctness, which detracts from cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Consequently," and "As a result." This would help clarify relationships between ideas. Furthermore, ensuring grammatical accuracy in sentences will improve cohesion. For instance, revising "that has a bad impact student’s health" to "this has a detrimental impact on students’ health" would enhance clarity and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "prioritize," "impact," "opportunities," and "development." However, the range is limited, and some phrases are repeated or overly simplistic. For example, the phrase "not exercising" is used multiple times, which could be varied with synonyms like "lack of physical activity" or "sedentary lifestyle." Additionally, the use of "criteria" in the context of university admission is somewhat awkward, as it is typically used in the plural form (criteria vs. criterion).
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "exercise," consider using "physical activity," "fitness," or "sports participation." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help diversify word choice.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "that has a bad impact student’s health" lacks grammatical correctness and clarity; it should be "that has a bad impact on students’ health." Additionally, the phrase "faster life skills" is unclear and should be rephrased to something like "essential life skills" or "important life skills."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical structures and ensure that phrases convey the intended meaning clearly. Reviewing sentence structure and practicing writing concise sentences can aid in achieving greater clarity. Reading academic texts can also help in understanding how to use vocabulary more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "student’s" instead of "students’," "team work" instead of "teamwork," and "maybe 1/100 or 1/1000" which lacks clarity and formal structure. These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and flashcards can reinforce correct spelling. Reading more extensively can also help familiarize the writer with correct spelling in context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and some effective vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall quality of the writing and potentially lead to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Many sentences are simple and repetitive, such as "PE is not a criteria for university admission" and "To do those jobs you need to really have talent and effort." The use of questions, such as "Let’s find out what do you think are the possible reasons?" is not effectively integrated into the essay and detracts from the overall coherence. Additionally, the transition between ideas is often abrupt, lacking complex structures that could enhance the flow of the argument.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, instead of repeatedly using "PE is not a criteria," the writer could say, "Although PE is often viewed as less important, it plays a crucial role in a child’s overall development." Furthermore, using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., "although," "because," "while") can help create more complex sentences that convey relationships between ideas more effectively.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, the phrase "the first, we find out what do you think are the possible reasons?" is grammatically incorrect and confusing. The correct form should be, "First, let us explore the possible reasons." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "such as: Maths, English, Literature, Physics,…," where a comma should not precede "such as." The phrase "it has a negative impact in two ways are physical health and mental health" is also incorrect; it should be rephrased to "it negatively impacts both physical and mental health."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Practicing sentence rephrasing and ensuring that each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning will help. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas and colons, will improve clarity. It would be beneficial to proofread the essay for common grammatical errors and consider using grammar-checking tools to identify mistakes before finalizing the text.

In summary, to improve the band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, the writer should focus on expanding their use of varied sentence structures and enhancing grammatical and punctuation accuracy. Regular practice and revision will be key to achieving these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with academic subjects. First, let us consider the possible reasons why this is the case. Sports and exercise, also referred to as Physical Education (PE), are not a criterion for university admission. To gain admission to prestigious universities, students typically require strong grades in core academic subjects such as mathematics, English, literature, and physics. Consequently, schools and parents tend to prioritize these subjects over PE.

Furthermore, Physical Education (PE) offers fewer career opportunities compared to other academic subjects. Upon pursuing a career in Physical Education, one may typically consider roles such as trainer, PE teacher, or professional athlete. To excel in these roles, one requires exceptional talent and dedication, given the highly competitive selection rates, which may be as low as 1 in 100 or 1 in 1,000.

Next, we will explore the effects on children in their lives of not engaging in exercise. This has a detrimental impact on students’ health. It has a negative impact on both physical and mental health. Lack of exercise can negatively affect students’ physical development. If children do not engage in Physical Education and focus solely on academic subjects, they may experience stress or fatigue. Moreover, children who do not study Physical Education miss the opportunity to develop essential life skills such as teamwork and communication skills.

In conclusion, it is important to balance academic subjects with Physical Education so that children can develop in the best way possible.