In many countries, students attend private ‘cram schools’ for extra coaching in test-taking techniques. What is your view of this practice?

In many countries, students attend private 'cram schools' for extra coaching in test-taking techniques. What is your view of this practice?

There is a belief that participating in cram schools allow students to achieve excellent academic performance by providing them extra teaching. However, from my perpesctive, this is a worrysome trend despite bringing certain advantages to students.

To begin with, cram schools give students the access to abundant studying materials, hence allowing students to feel confident in their academic abilities and be more well-prepared for their exams. Thanks to this, students who attend cram schools are expected to achieve higher academic results at regular school. Also, the learning environment provided by cram schools are valuable for students. Students can experience individualized attention from their teachers who are willing to give them clear and detailed instructions. As a result, students are able to understand the concepts of their lessons deeply.

However, extracurricular schools burden students with superfluous pressure. Such schools deprive students of the essential rest they need after finishing regular school. Students may suffer from extreme fatigue and insomnia after going through this protracted session. Consequently, their cognitive function and study efficiency will be negatively affected. Additionally, overloading students with an excessive amount information in a short period without allowing proper absorption may be counterintuitive. Their brain is not given adequate time for its natural consolidation cycle, causing students to only memorise the information, then vocalise it later in their exams like monotorous robots, wihout understanding deeply the concept. As a result, most of these information will bounce off uselessly and be lost after a short time.

In conclusion, while cram schools do bring some advantages to students, I assume this is a bad learning habit and left adverse influence on students’ health. This is why I disagree with the idea of children going to cram schools.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "There is a belief that participating in cram schools allow students to achieve excellent academic performance by providing them extra teaching." -> "There is a belief that participating in cram schools enables students to achieve excellent academic performance by offering additional instruction."
   Explanation: Replacing "allow" with "enables" and "extra teaching" with "additional instruction" enhances the formality of the sentence, emphasizing the facilitating aspect of cram schools in academic achievement.

2. "However, from my perpesctive, this is a worrysome trend despite bringing certain advantages to students." -> "However, from my perspective, this is a worrisome trend despite offering certain advantages to students."
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "perpesctive" to "perspective" and replacing "bringing" with "offering" and "worrysome" with "worrisome" aligns with a more formal and accurate expression.

3. "To begin with, cram schools give students the access to abundant studying materials, hence allowing students to feel confident in their academic abilities and be more well-prepared for their exams." -> "To begin with, cram schools provide students access to abundant study materials, thereby fostering confidence in their academic abilities and better preparing them for exams."
   Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure, removing unnecessary words like "the" before "access," and using "thereby fostering" contribute to a more concise and academically appropriate expression.

4. "Also, the learning environment provided by cram schools are valuable for students." -> "Moreover, the learning environment provided by cram schools is valuable for students."
   Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "are" to "is" ensures grammatical accuracy, and replacing "Also" with "Moreover" enhances the transition and formality of the sentence.

5. "Students can experience individualized attention from their teachers who are willing to give them clear and detailed instructions." -> "Students can benefit from individualized attention, with teachers who are willing to provide clear and detailed instructions."
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and coherence, and using "benefit from" instead of "experience" contributes to a more precise expression.

6. "extracurricular schools burden students with superfluous pressure." -> "Extracurricular schools impose excessive pressure on students."
   Explanation: Replacing "burden" with "impose" and "superfluous" with "excessive" creates a more formal and precise statement about the pressure exerted by extracurricular schools.

7. "Students may suffer from extreme fatigue and insomnia after going through this protracted session." -> "Students may experience extreme fatigue and insomnia after enduring this prolonged session."
   Explanation: Substituting "going through" with "enduring" and replacing "protracted" with "prolonged" enhances the clarity and formality of the sentence.

8. "Then vocalise it later in their exams like monotorous robots, wihout understanding deeply the concept." -> "They then vocalize it during exams like monotonous robots, without a deep understanding of the concept."
   Explanation: Correcting spelling errors ("monotorous" to "monotonous" and "wihout" to "without") and restructuring the sentence for better flow and clarity contribute to improved readability.

9. "As a result, most of these information will bounce off uselessly and be lost after a short time." -> "As a result, much of this information will be retained minimally and lost shortly thereafter."
   Explanation: Correcting the singular form "information" to "much of this information" and replacing "bounce off uselessly" with "retained minimally" enhances precision and formality.

10. "In conclusion, while cram schools do bring some advantages to students, I assume this is a bad learning habit and left adverse influence on students’ health." -> "In conclusion, although cram schools offer some advantages to students, I assert that this constitutes a detrimental learning habit with adverse effects on students’ health."
    Explanation: Replacing "bring" with "offer," changing "assume" to "assert," and modifying "left adverse influence" to "constitutes a detrimental learning habit with adverse effects" improve precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges both the advantages and disadvantages of attending cram schools. However, the discussion on the negative aspects is more detailed, and there is room for a more balanced exploration of both sides.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure a more equitable treatment of both perspectives. Provide specific examples and evidence for both the advantages and disadvantages of attending cram schools.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of students attending cram schools. This stance is evident throughout the essay, especially in the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider introducing a concise thesis statement in the introduction that clearly outlines your stance on the issue.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both the advantages and disadvantages of cram schools. However, the development is more thorough when discussing the drawbacks. Specific examples, such as the impact on health and the negative effects of overloading with information, are provided.
  • How to improve: To improve, extend the discussion on the advantages with concrete examples and elaboration. Provide specific instances where attending cram schools has led to academic success and positive outcomes for students.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but tends to focus more on the disadvantages of attending cram schools. Ensure that the discussion of advantages is given equal attention to maintain a balanced and on-topic response.
  • How to improve: Allocate sufficient space in the essay to discuss both the advantages and disadvantages in a more balanced manner. This will ensure a more comprehensive and relevant exploration of the topic.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt but could benefit from a more balanced treatment of the advantages and disadvantages of attending cram schools. Additionally, strengthening the thesis statement and providing more specific examples will contribute to a more cohesive and well-supported response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets up the opposing views, and body paragraphs present arguments both in favor and against cram schools. However, the essay lacks a clear and strong thesis statement, and the points could be more explicitly connected to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, strengthen the thesis statement to clearly outline the essay’s stance. Ensure each body paragraph is explicitly tied to the main argument, avoiding tangential points. Consider a more structured approach, such as the use of topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure is somewhat inconsistent. There is an attempt to separate different points, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Some paragraphs lack topic sentences, making it challenging to discern their main idea.
  • How to improve: Work on creating a more uniform structure for paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates to the thesis. Use transitions to guide the reader from one point to the next. Consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller paragraphs for clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to some extent, such as transitional phrases ("To begin with," "However," "In conclusion"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved for a more seamless flow.
  • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transitional words and phrases. Ensure that these devices not only signal shifts between paragraphs but also strengthen the logical connection between ideas within paragraphs. This will contribute to a more cohesive and smoothly flowing essay.

In conclusion, the essay exhibits a commendable coherence and cohesion level, earning a Band Score of 7. Strengthening the thesis statement, refining paragraph structure, and enhancing the variety of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating phrases like "abundant studying materials," "individualized attention," and "protracted session." However, there’s room for enhancement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, synonyms or alternative expressions could replace repetitive phrases such as "students" or "cram schools," elevating the richness of expression and lexical variety.
  • How to improve: Consider employing a broader spectrum of synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, using "pupils" or "learners" instead of repeatedly using "students," or employing alternatives like "supplementary educational institutions" instead of repetitive mentions of "cram schools." Additionally, integrating more advanced or specialized vocabulary related to education and its nuances could enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs vocabulary fairly accurately but occasionally lacks precision. For instance, while discussing the adverse effects, it uses phrases like "superfluous pressure" and "essential rest," which are descriptive but not entirely precise. Enhancing precision would involve selecting words that more precisely convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: Aim for precision by using vocabulary that more precisely captures the intended concepts. For instance, instead of "superfluous pressure," consider terms like "excessive academic demands," and instead of "essential rest," opt for phrases like "vital recuperation time." Thesaurus tools or exploring synonyms in context can aid in identifying more precise vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy with minimal errors. However, there are a few notable misspellings like "perpesctive," "worrysome," and "monotorous." These errors, while infrequent, impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
  • How to improve: Prioritize proofreading to catch and correct spelling errors before submission. Utilize spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and rectify such mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or consistent writing can improve accuracy.

The essay showcases a reasonably varied vocabulary but would benefit from a wider range and more precise usage of language. Spelling accuracy, while generally sound, requires attention to eliminate occasional errors. Focusing on diversifying vocabulary, employing more precise terms, and refining spelling skills can significantly enhance the lexical resource of future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, it employs compound sentences like "However, extracurricular schools burden students with superfluous pressure." There’s an attempt at complexity, although it could benefit from more sophisticated structures to enhance coherence and depth.
  • How to improve: To elevate the essay’s sophistication, consider integrating more complex sentence structures like conditional sentences (e.g., "If students were to balance their study hours better, the need for cram schools might diminish."). Employing varied structures not only diversifies the essay but also elevates the quality of expression.

• Use Grammar Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy with occasional errors. Instances such as "this is a worrysome trend" (should be "worrisome") and "wihout understanding deeply the concept" (should be "without deeply understanding the concept") showcase errors in word form and sentence structure.
  • How to improve: Focusing on sentence structure and verb tenses could significantly enhance accuracy. Practice using correct word forms (adjectives, adverbs) and ensure proper sentence construction to eliminate errors.

• Use Correct Punctuation:

  • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is used adequately for basic sentence structure. Commas and periods are appropriately placed. However, there are instances of missing or misused punctuation, such as the absence of a comma before "hence" in "hence allowing students" or the incorrect usage of a period after "session" in "protracted session."
  • How to improve: Pay closer attention to punctuation rules, particularly the usage of commas in complex sentences to enhance readability. Review how punctuation affects the flow and structure of sentences to convey ideas more effectively.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a good command of language with room for refinement in the application of diverse sentence structures, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation. Strengthening these areas will elevate the essay’s clarity and sophistication, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a belief that participating in cram schools enables students to achieve excellent academic performance by offering additional instruction. However, from my perspective, this is a worrisome trend despite offering certain advantages to students.

To begin with, cram schools provide students access to abundant study materials, thereby fostering confidence in their academic abilities and better preparing them for exams. Thanks to this, students attending cram schools are expected to achieve higher academic results at their regular schools. Moreover, the learning environment provided by cram schools is valuable for students. They can benefit from individualized attention, with teachers who are willing to provide clear and detailed instructions. As a result, students are able to understand the concepts of their lessons deeply.

However, extracurricular schools impose excessive pressure on students. Such schools deprive students of the essential rest they need after finishing regular school. Students may experience extreme fatigue and insomnia after enduring this prolonged session. Consequently, their cognitive function and study efficiency will be negatively affected. Additionally, overloading students with an excessive amount of information in a short period without allowing proper absorption may be counterintuitive. Their brains are not given adequate time for the natural consolidation cycle, causing students to only memorize the information and then vocalize it during exams like monotonous robots, without a deep understanding of the concept. As a result, much of this information will be retained minimally and lost shortly thereafter.

In conclusion, although cram schools offer some advantages to students, I assert that this constitutes a detrimental learning habit with adverse effects on students’ health. This is why I disagree with the idea of children going to cram schools.