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In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?

In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining.
Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?

In contemporary society, it is acknowledged that there has been a significant decline in
the variety of plants and animals. This essay is to shed light on the leading culprits behind this issue before outlining some viable solutions to tackle it.

The underlying motives behind a notable decrease in the number of plants and animals are definite. Chief among these is the rampant deforestation. In light of humans’ relentless pursuit of economic prosperity, forests are cleared to make way for agricultural expansion, logging, and infrastructure development, which could give rise to the extinction of wild animals due to the loss of pristine habitats. Another element that puts flora and fauna at risk is illegal wildlife trade for many purposes. To illustrate this point, the elephant’s tusks, the bear’s gall, the fox’s fur or elusive plants are used as ornaments, traditional medicine and luxurious clothes, pushing many species towards endangerment.

I am convinced that some efficient measures should be implemented to address problems related to natural degradation. The principle solution associated with this insurmountable problem is that efforts should be concentrated on preserving and restoring specific habitats thanks to biodiversity conservation programs. Reforestation could be a case in point, providing crucial habitats for a wide range of wildlife species and replanting native tree species in deforested areas. Additionally, it is essential for the authorities to enact stringent legislation as a way to mitigate illegal hunting. To be more specific, law-breakers must be punished heavily through various forms such as community service, fines or even jail sentences.

In conclusion, decreasing population figures stem from deforestation and unlawful hunting.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In contemporary society, it is acknowledged that there has been a significant decline in the variety of plants and animals." -> "In contemporary society, it is recognized that there has been a substantial decline in the diversity of flora and fauna."
    Explanation: Replacing "acknowledged" with "recognized" and "variety" with "diversity" contributes to a more formal tone without sacrificing clarity. The use of "flora and fauna" is more specific and fitting in an academic context.

  2. "This essay is to shed light on the leading culprits behind this issue before outlining some viable solutions to tackle it." -> "This essay aims to illuminate the primary factors contributing to this issue and subsequently propose viable solutions."
    Explanation: The phrase "shed light on" is replaced with "illuminate" for a more formal tone, and "leading culprits" is substituted with "primary factors" for precision. The revised sentence is more concise and maintains academic formality.

  3. "The underlying motives behind a notable decrease in the number of plants and animals are definite." -> "The fundamental reasons for a significant decrease in the population of plants and animals are clear."
    Explanation: Replacing "underlying motives" with "fundamental reasons" and "notable" with "significant" enhances precision and formality. The term "population" is more appropriate in the context of plants and animals.

  4. "Chief among these is the rampant deforestation." -> "Foremost among these is the widespread practice of deforestation."
    Explanation: Substituting "chief" with "foremost" and "rampant" with "widespread" elevates the formality of the sentence. The revised phrase provides a more nuanced and precise expression of the issue.

  5. "In light of humans’ relentless pursuit of economic prosperity, forests are cleared to make way for agricultural expansion, logging, and infrastructure development, which could give rise to the extinction of wild animals due to the loss of pristine habitats." -> "Due to humans’ relentless pursuit of economic prosperity, forests are cleared to accommodate agricultural expansion, logging, and infrastructure development, posing a threat to the survival of wild animals through the loss of their natural habitats."
    Explanation: The revision streamlines the sentence, maintaining academic formality. The phrase "make way for" is replaced with "accommodate," and the connection between deforestation and the threat to wild animals is expressed more clearly.

  6. "Another element that puts flora and fauna at risk is illegal wildlife trade for many purposes." -> "Another factor jeopardizing flora and fauna is the illegal wildlife trade serving various purposes."
    Explanation: The term "element" is replaced with "factor," and the sentence is rephrased for conciseness and formality. The revised version maintains clarity while presenting the information more precisely.

  7. "To illustrate this point, the elephant’s tusks, the bear’s gall, the fox’s fur or elusive plants are used as ornaments, traditional medicine and luxurious clothes, pushing many species towards endangerment." -> "Illustrating this, elephants’ tusks, bears’ gallbladders, fox fur, and rare plants are utilized for ornaments, traditional medicine, and luxury clothing, contributing to the endangerment of numerous species."
    Explanation: The revision simplifies and organizes the list of examples, making it more reader-friendly. The term "elusive plants" is replaced with "rare plants" for clarity and precision.

  8. "I am convinced that some efficient measures should be implemented to address problems related to natural degradation." -> "I am convinced that effective measures should be implemented to address issues related to environmental degradation."
    Explanation: The phrase "some efficient measures" is replaced with "effective measures" for conciseness, and "natural degradation" is substituted with "environmental degradation" for a more precise and formal expression.

  9. "The principle solution associated with this insurmountable problem is that efforts should be concentrated on preserving and restoring specific habitats thanks to biodiversity conservation programs." -> "The primary solution for this formidable challenge involves focusing efforts on preserving and restoring specific habitats through biodiversity conservation programs."
    Explanation: The term "insurmountable problem" is replaced with "formidable challenge," and the sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality. The use of "thanks to" is eliminated for a more direct expression.

  10. "Reforestation could be a case in point, providing crucial habitats for a wide range of wildlife species and replanting native tree species in deforested areas." -> "Reforestation serves as an exemplary solution, creating essential habitats for a diverse array of wildlife species and reintroducing native trees in previously deforested areas."
    Explanation: The phrase "could be a case in point" is replaced with "serves as an exemplary solution" for a more direct and formal expression. The term "crucial habitats" is retained for emphasis, and "replanting" is changed to "reintroducing" for precision.

  11. "Additionally, it is essential for the authorities to enact stringent legislation as a way to mitigate illegal hunting." -> "Furthermore, it is imperative for the authorities to enact rigorous legislation as a means of curbing illegal hunting."
    Explanation: The term "essential" is replaced with "imperative" for added emphasis, and "mitigate" is substituted with "curbing" for a more direct expression. The sentence is refined for formality and clarity.

  12. "To be more specific, law-breakers must be punished heavily through various forms such as community service, fines or even jail sentences." -> "To specify, individuals violating the law should face substantial penalties, including community service, fines, or potential incarceration."
    Explanation: The phrase "To be more specific" is replaced with "To specify" for conciseness, and "punished heavily through various forms" is refined to "face substantial penalties." The revised sentence maintains formality while providing a clearer expression.

  13. "In conclusion, decreasing population figures stem from deforestation and unlawful hunting." -> "In conclusion, the decline in population figures is attributed to both deforestation and illegal hunting."
    Explanation: The term "decreasing population figures stem from" is replaced with "the decline in population figures is attributed to," providing a more precise and formal conclusion. The revised sentence maintains clarity while adhering to academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt, explaining the reasons behind the decline in the number of plants and animals and proposing solutions to the issue. The identification of deforestation and illegal wildlife trade as primary causes is clear and supported by relevant examples.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing a more nuanced exploration of the issue, perhaps by delving into specific examples of successful biodiversity conservation programs or highlighting potential challenges in implementing the proposed solutions.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, clearly stating that deforestation and illegal hunting are the main reasons for the decline in plant and animal populations. The writer effectively communicates this stance without ambiguity.
    • How to improve: While the clarity of the position is commendable, strive to provide a stronger thesis statement in the introduction to more explicitly outline the stance and set the tone for the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully presents ideas and supports them with relevant examples, such as the impact of deforestation on habitats and the illegal trade of animal parts. The arguments are logically structured and contribute to a coherent discussion.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the development of ideas, consider elaborating on the potential consequences of declining animal and plant populations, illustrating the broader ecological impact or economic consequences to strengthen the persuasive elements of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively stays on topic, addressing the causes and solutions related to the decline in plant and animal populations. There are no significant deviations from the central theme.
    • How to improve: While the focus is maintained, ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument. Avoid redundancy and ensure that every point made is directly relevant to the essay’s main purpose.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong response to the prompt, earning an 8 for Task Response. To further improve, consider refining the thesis statement for greater clarity, delving into more nuanced examples, expanding on potential consequences, and ensuring each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument. Overall, the essay effectively addresses the key elements of the prompt, providing a well-structured and well-supported response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical organization by introducing the problem in the introduction, elaborating on the causes in the body paragraphs, and suggesting solutions in the conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow. For instance, the transition between the causes (deforestation and wildlife trade) could be smoother. The essay could benefit from clearer signposting of ideas to enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transition phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one idea to the next. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the main thesis, providing a roadmap for the reader.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay. However, the conclusion is rather abrupt and could be expanded to summarize key points and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
    • How to improve: Extend the conclusion by summarizing the main points made in the body paragraphs. This not only reinforces the key ideas but also provides a satisfying closure to the reader. Consider rephrasing the thesis statement in a way that echoes the importance of addressing the issues highlighted in the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this issue," "these is definite") and transition words ("Chief among these," "Another element," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of these devices. The essay could benefit from incorporating more linking words and phrases to establish stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (however, therefore, moreover), transitional phrases (in addition, furthermore), and synonyms for better lexical cohesion. This will contribute to a smoother and more connected narrative, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, incorporating a variety of words to convey ideas effectively. Phrases such as "rampant deforestation," "pristine habitats," and "insurmountable problem" showcase an advanced vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying word choices further. For instance, the repeated use of "deforestation" and "illegal hunting" could be addressed by introducing synonyms or alternative expressions to enhance lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To elevate the score in this criterion, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "deforestation," try incorporating terms like "forest depletion" or "timber clearing" to add nuance and depth to the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meaning. For instance, the phrase "rampant deforestation" precisely communicates the widespread and uncontrolled nature of the issue. However, there are instances where the use of vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the term "principle solution" might benefit from more specificity, such as "primary solution" or "fundamental approach," to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully consider the nuances of each word choice. In instances where a term may have multiple interpretations, opt for the one that precisely aligns with the intended meaning. This nuanced approach can elevate the overall precision of vocabulary use.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable level of spelling accuracy. There are no glaring spelling errors that hinder comprehension. However, it is advisable to pay attention to minor typographical errors, such as missing spaces after commas or a missing "s" in "figures" in the concluding sentence.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay meticulously, paying close attention to minor typographical errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors to catch and rectify these issues. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and address any overlooked errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound-complex structures. For example, "In contemporary society, it is acknowledged that there has been a significant decline…" incorporates a complex sentence structure that effectively introduces the main topic. Throughout the essay, there is evidence of varied sentence types, contributing to a sophisticated writing style.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more conditional sentences, inverted structures, and nuanced transitions. This can elevate the overall complexity of the essay and demonstrate an even greater command of sentence structures.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement and article usage could be refined. For instance, in the sentence, "The underlying motives behind a notable decrease in the number of plants and animals are definite," the use of ‘are definite’ could be revised to ‘are evident’ for clarity and precision. Additionally, there is a missing article in the phrase "for many purposes," where it should be "for many purposes."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Review each sentence for clarity and correctness, ensuring that verb forms align with the subjects, and articles are appropriately placed. Proofreading with a focus on these elements will contribute to an even more polished and precise essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and sentence structures, warranting a Band Score of 7. To achieve an even higher score, focus on refining specific grammatical points and continue to diversify sentence structures for added sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many nations, there is a noticeable decline in the variety of plants and animals. This essay aims to shed light on the primary factors contributing to this issue and subsequently propose practical solutions.

The fundamental reasons for the significant decrease in the population of plants and animals are clear. Foremost among these is the widespread practice of deforestation. Due to humans’ relentless pursuit of economic prosperity, forests are cleared to accommodate agricultural expansion, logging, and infrastructure development, posing a threat to the survival of wild animals through the loss of their natural habitats. Another factor jeopardizing flora and fauna is the illegal wildlife trade serving various purposes. Illustrating this, elephants’ tusks, bears’ gallbladders, fox fur, and rare plants are utilized for ornaments, traditional medicine, and luxury clothing, contributing to the endangerment of numerous species.

I am convinced that effective measures should be implemented to address issues related to environmental degradation. The primary solution for this formidable challenge involves focusing efforts on preserving and restoring specific habitats through biodiversity conservation programs. Reforestation serves as an exemplary solution, creating essential habitats for a diverse array of wildlife species and reintroducing native trees in previously deforested areas. Furthermore, it is imperative for the authorities to enact rigorous legislation as a means of curbing illegal hunting. To specify, individuals violating the law should face substantial penalties, including community service, fines, or potential incarceration.

In conclusion, the decline in population figures is attributed to both deforestation and illegal hunting. To tackle this issue, concerted efforts must be directed towards preserving habitats and implementing strict measures against illegal activities, ensuring the continued existence of diverse flora and fauna.

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