In many countries today, if people want to find a job, they have to move away from their friends and their families.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
In the past few years, relocating far ways from friends and family to search for job oppotunities has been a topic of great interest. While this trend leads to certain drawbacks, I believe that they are overshadowed by the benefits.
On the one hand, the disadvantages of moving to new place for work need to be acknowledge. The most significant one is the emotional impacts on individuals who move away from their loved ones. Leaving alone in the place that far away from their families could rise the feelings of isolation and loneliness among individuals. To be more specific, these people may have to cope with many difficulties such as illness or job loss without or little supports from their families and friends when living far away from their home. Facing to these issues while still have to adapt with new environment could impact negatively on their mental well-being or even have detrimental effects on people’s mental health in the long run.
On the other hand, I am more convinced that the demerits pale in comparison with the advantages. First of all, relocating for work can facilitate personal growth and independence. Living in new place away from support networks can challenge individuals to become more self-reliant and adaptable as they are forced to face unfamiliar situations. This allowed people to boost their problem-solving and resilience, which has a positive impact on their self-confidence and overall maturity over the time. Furthermore, seeking employment opportunities in different regions or countries can significant enhance one’s professional growth and skill development. This is because exposing to diverse work environments can broaden their perspectives, allowing them to acquire new knowledge and expertise that might not be available in their hometown. For example, in pursuit job career in developed countries is more likely to give individuals opportunities to meet and learn from professionals, attending and participate in many projects of their fields, which consequently beneficial for their career prospects.
In conclusion, while it is undeniable that moving away from friends and family for work can detrimental individuals’ mental health in some cases, I still believe that the merits of this phenomenon far surpass its shortcoming.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"oppotunities" -> "opportunities"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "oppotunities" to "opportunities" improves the essay’s formality and ensures proper academic language use.
"leads to certain drawbacks" -> "entails certain drawbacks"
Explanation: Substituting "leads to" with "entails" enhances the formality of the expression, making it more appropriate for academic writing.
"acknowledge" -> "acknowledged"
Explanation: Changing "acknowledge" to "acknowledged" ensures grammatical accuracy and aligns with the past tense used in the rest of the essay.
"rise the feelings" -> "heighten the feelings"
Explanation: Replacing "rise" with "heighten" provides a more formal and precise expression, contributing to the overall academic tone of the essay.
"Leaving alone in the place that far away" -> "Residing alone in a location distant"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "Residing alone in a location distant from their families" improves clarity and formality, avoiding colloquial language.
"without or little supports" -> "with little or no support"
Explanation: Adjusting "without or little supports" to "with little or no support" corrects the grammar and ensures a more precise and formal presentation.
"while still have to adapt" -> "while still having to adapt"
Explanation: Adding "having" after "still" corrects the verb tense, improving the grammatical structure of the sentence.
"impact negatively" -> "negatively impact"
Explanation: Changing the word order from "impact negatively" to "negatively impact" follows a more standard English structure.
"demerits" -> "drawbacks"
Explanation: Replacing "demerits" with "drawbacks" maintains formality and is a more common term in academic writing.
"First of all" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Substituting "First of all" with "Firstly" is a more formal transition in academic writing.
"can significant enhance" -> "can significantly enhance"
Explanation: Correcting the adjective form to "significantly" ensures proper grammar and enhances the precision of the expression.
"impact on their self-confidence" -> "impact on their confidence in themselves"
Explanation: Expanding "self-confidence" to "confidence in themselves" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.
"pursuit job career" -> "pursue a career"
Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "pursue a career" improves grammatical accuracy and maintains formality.
"attending and participate" -> "attending and participating"
Explanation: Changing "participate" to "participating" ensures grammatical consistency in the parallel structure of the sentence.
"consequently beneficial" -> "consequently beneficial for"
Explanation: Adding "for" after "consequently beneficial" enhances the clarity and grammatical structure of the sentence.
"undeniable" -> "undeniable that"
Explanation: Adding "that" after "undeniable" improves sentence structure and ensures proper conjunction usage.
"detrimental individuals’" -> "detrimental to individuals’"
Explanation: Adding "to" after "detrimental" corrects the preposition usage, making the expression more accurate and formal.
"far surpass" -> "far outweigh"
Explanation: Substituting "far surpass" with "far outweigh" is a more precise and academically appropriate term to express the dominance of merits over shortcomings.
Note: Some of the changes involve grammatical corrections and improvements in sentence structure to align with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family for job opportunities. The introduction introduces the topic, and the conclusion provides a clear stance, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the question.
- How to improve: While the essay is strong in addressing all parts of the question, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples or scenarios related to the emotional impacts mentioned. Encourage the writer to include more nuanced details to strengthen their argument further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer clearly expresses the belief that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Each paragraph is aligned with this stance, and the conclusion reinforces this position.
- How to improve: The writer could enhance the clarity of their position by explicitly stating it in the introduction. Advising the inclusion of a thesis statement that clearly outlines the position will make the stance more evident to the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, developing them with relevant examples and explanations. Specific instances, such as the emotional impacts and the benefits of personal growth and professional development, are well-supported with details.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, the writer could consider providing more varied examples or incorporating real-life anecdotes. This would add depth and richness to the essay, making it more engaging and persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of moving for job opportunities. However, there are instances of minor deviations, such as the brief mention of adapting to a new environment. While relevant, these deviations could be more tightly connected to the main topic.
- How to improve: Encourage the writer to ensure that every point made is directly related to the main topic. If introducing related subtopics, emphasize the importance of explicitly connecting them back to the overall argument.
In summary, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the task with a clear position, well-developed ideas, and relevant examples. The writer can further enhance their work by providing more specific examples, explicitly stating their position in the introduction, and ensuring that all points made directly relate to the main topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic, and each paragraph thereafter presents a clear argument. However, there are instances where ideas could be better connected for smoother transitions. For example, the transition from discussing drawbacks to advantages in the third paragraph could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that the progression of ideas is clear and follows a logical sequence. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through different sections of the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be refined for greater effectiveness. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, which is commendable, but some paragraphs are excessively lengthy. For instance, the second paragraph covers both emotional impacts and specific difficulties, making it dense and less reader-friendly.
- How to improve: Aim for more concise and focused paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally center around a single main idea. Break down longer paragraphs into smaller, more digestible units to improve readability and make it easier for readers to follow your arguments.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within sentences, such as transitions like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices for a more nuanced connection between paragraphs.
- How to improve: Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns. For example, use words like "furthermore," "moreover," or "however" to strengthen the coherence between sentences and paragraphs. This will help create a more sophisticated and connected flow in your essay.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively communicates its arguments, refining the organization for smoother transitions, optimizing paragraph structure for clarity, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to an even more cohesive and coherent piece of writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but some repetition and limited exploration of synonyms are observed. For instance, the phrase "far away" is frequently used, and alternative expressions could enhance lexical diversity. Additionally, there are instances where more precise and nuanced vocabulary could be employed to convey ideas more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and varied expressions for common terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "far away," experiment with phrases like "distant locations" or "remote areas." Additionally, incorporate more specialized vocabulary related to the essay’s themes, such as specific terms related to emotional well-being, career growth, and adaptability.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits an overall precise usage of vocabulary, but there are instances where words could be chosen more accurately to convey intended meanings. For example, in the sentence "Leaving alone in the place that far away from their families," the term "alone" might be more precisely replaced with "isolated" to better capture the sense of being detached from one’s support system.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings conveyed by chosen words. Consider using a thesaurus to explore more precise alternatives and choose words that align more closely with the intended nuances. Review each sentence to ensure that the selected vocabulary accurately captures the intended tone and meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are instances of spelling errors, such as "oppotunities" instead of "opportunities" and "rise" instead of "arise." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they can detract from the overall polished impression of the essay.
- How to improve: Develop a habit of proofreading the essay carefully to catch and correct spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools available in word processing software to assist in identifying and rectifying such issues. Additionally, consider enhancing your spelling proficiency through regular practice and exposure to a diverse range of written materials.
By addressing these aspects, you can further elevate the lexical quality of your essays and potentially improve your band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of sentence structures, incorporating a mix of complex and compound sentences. There is evidence of varied sentence beginnings and lengths, contributing to overall fluency. However, some sentences tend to be overly complex, leading to occasional ambiguity and reducing clarity for the reader.
- How to improve: While maintaining sentence variety, be mindful of clarity. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones to enhance readability. Vary sentence structures further by incorporating rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion to add sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, there is a typo in "oppotunities," and the phrase "Leaving alone in the place that far away from their families" lacks grammatical precision. Additionally, inconsistent spacing and punctuation errors occur throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Regularly proofread your work to catch typographical errors and inconsistencies. For grammar, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Regarding punctuation, ensure consistency and correctness, especially with commas and periods. Consider seeking assistance from language tools or a peer to enhance accuracy.
This essay effectively employs a range of sentence structures, contributing to its overall fluency. Despite some instances of complexity that may impact clarity, the writer demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation. To enhance the essay further, focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and consistently applying grammar and punctuation rules. Regular proofreading and seeking feedback can significantly contribute to achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, the idea of relocating to distant places in search of job opportunities has gained significant attention. While this trend entails certain drawbacks, I firmly believe that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.
On the one hand, it is crucial to acknowledge the downsides of moving to a new location for work. The most notable drawback is the emotional impact on individuals who separate from their loved ones. Residing alone in a location distant from their families can heighten feelings of isolation and loneliness. To be more specific, individuals may have to grapple with various challenges, such as illness or job loss, with little or no support from their families and friends when living far away from home. Dealing with these issues while still having to adapt to a new environment can negatively impact their mental well-being and have detrimental effects on people’s mental health in the long run.
On the other hand, I am firmly convinced that the drawbacks are overshadowed by the benefits. Firstly, relocating for work can significantly enhance personal growth and independence. Living in a new place away from support networks can challenge individuals to become more self-reliant and adaptable as they face unfamiliar situations. This challenge enables people to boost their problem-solving skills and resilience, positively impacting their confidence and overall maturity over time. Furthermore, seeking employment opportunities in different regions or countries can significantly enhance one’s professional growth and skill development. This is because exposure to diverse work environments can broaden perspectives, allowing individuals to acquire new knowledge and expertise not readily available in their hometown. For example, pursuing a career in developed countries is more likely to provide opportunities to meet and learn from professionals, attending and participating in many projects in their fields, which is consequently beneficial for their career prospects.
In conclusion, while it is undeniable that moving away from friends and family for work can be detrimental to individuals’ mental health in some cases, I still firmly believe that the merits of this phenomenon far surpass its shortcomings.