In many countries today, if people want to find a job, they have to move away from their friends and their families.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
The topic of whether individuals should relocate from their hometowns to pursue career opportunities has been a matter of discussion for many years. Despite some apparent downsides to this trend, I am of the opinion that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
On one hand, there are several significant drawbacks when workers have to move away from their friends and parents. Firstly, they must adapt to a new work environment. Particularly, if individuals choose to work abroad, they encounter various unfamiliar aspects such as languages and corporate cultures, discouraging their integration into the workplace. Consequently, in the long term, they may experience isolation. Moreover, when residing far from home, individuals lack the support of their families or friends, especially concerning mental health issues. It seems that living far from home leads to fewer meaningful conversations between employees and their parents due to demanding work schedules and limited leisure time. Consequently, their parents may not be able to provide immediate care and support.
On the other hand, I contend that this progression offers numerous benefits. Unquestionably, moving away from familiar surroundings provides enhanced job opportunities. Consequently, each sector will present distinct opportunities, particularly in advanced sectors where more job positions with higher prospects are available. Thus, employees can find more job opportunities aligned with their career objectives. For instance, America is renowned for state-of-the-art technology, providing enticing opportunities for scientists. Another compelling argument in favor of leaving one's hometown to seek employment is the expansion of social circles. When individuals move away, they connect with many colleagues, fostering good relationships. These expanded social circles can later prove beneficial in terms of support.
In conclusion, despite the multitude of disadvantages associated with living far from home, I believe that this progression not only opens up more job opportunities but also cultivates expanded social relationships.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"been a matter of discussion" -> "been a topic of discussion"
Explanation: The phrase "a matter of discussion" is slightly informal. Using "topic of discussion" maintains the meaning while adopting a more formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"I am of the opinion that" -> "I believe that"
Explanation: "I am of the opinion that" is a bit verbose. "I believe that" is a concise and common alternative in formal writing.
"On one hand" -> "Firstly" or "To begin with"
Explanation: "On one hand" is more commonly used in spoken language. In formal writing, "Firstly" or "To begin with" are better transitions to introduce the first point.
"several significant drawbacks" -> "significant disadvantages"
Explanation: While "several significant drawbacks" is not incorrect, using "significant disadvantages" is more concise and aligns better with formal writing.
"encounter various unfamiliar aspects" -> "encounter various unfamiliar elements"
Explanation: Changing "aspects" to "elements" adds a bit more formality without altering the meaning.
"It seems that" -> "This leads to"
Explanation: "It seems that" introduces a subjective opinion. Using "This leads to" offers a more direct and objective tone in discussing the consequences.
"leads to fewer meaningful conversations" -> "results in fewer meaningful interactions"
Explanation: "Conversations" could be expanded to include a broader range of interactions, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"I contend that" -> "I argue that" or "I assert that"
Explanation: "I contend that" might sound slightly informal in academic writing. Using "I argue that" or "I assert that" maintains formality.
"Unquestionably" -> "Undoubtedly"
Explanation: Both words are synonymous, but "Undoubtedly" is slightly more formal.
"each sector will present distinct opportunities" -> "each sector offers unique opportunities"
Explanation: This change maintains the meaning while using a more formal phrase.
"enticing opportunities" -> "appealing opportunities"
Explanation: "Appealing opportunities" sounds more academically appropriate.
"connect with many colleagues" -> "forge connections with numerous colleagues"
Explanation: "Connect with" can be replaced with "forge connections with" to add formality without altering the meaning.
"fostering good relationships" -> "cultivating positive relationships"
Explanation: "Cultivating positive relationships" is a more formal alternative that fits academic writing.
"multitude of disadvantages" -> "array of disadvantages"
Explanation: "Array of disadvantages" maintains the meaning while sounding slightly more formal.
"living far from home" -> "residing far from home"
Explanation: "Residing" is a more formal synonym for "living."
"not only opens up" -> "not only provides"
Explanation: "Provides" is a more direct and formal alternative to "opens up" in this context.
"but also cultivates expanded social relationships" -> "but also fosters an extensive social network"
Explanation: "Fosters an extensive social network" provides a more formal and precise description.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "Despite some apparent downsides to this trend, I am of the opinion that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction is generally clear and provides a clear stance on the topic. However, to enhance the overall clarity and structure of your essay, consider briefly outlining the main advantages and disadvantages you will discuss. This will provide the reader with a roadmap for your arguments, making your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
- Improved example: "Despite the challenges associated with relocating for work, I firmly believe that the benefits surpass the drawbacks. In this essay, I will discuss the significant downsides of moving away from one’s hometown, followed by a detailed exploration of the advantages that, in my view, make this sacrifice worthwhile."
Quoted text: "Particularly, if individuals choose to work abroad, they encounter various unfamiliar aspects such as languages and corporate cultures, discouraging their integration into the workplace."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about the challenges of adapting to a new work environment is valid, but it lacks specific examples or personal experiences. To strengthen this argument, consider sharing a personal anecdote or citing a specific case where someone faced difficulties due to language or cultural differences. This would make your essay more convincing and engaging.
- Improved example: "For instance, a friend of mine who moved to Japan for work initially struggled with the language barrier and corporate customs. This hindered her seamless integration into the workplace, highlighting the real-life challenges individuals may face when working abroad."
Quoted text: "Moreover, when residing far from home, individuals lack the support of their families or friends, especially concerning mental health issues."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While the point about the lack of support for mental health issues is crucial, it would benefit from further elaboration. Provide specific instances or scenarios where individuals faced mental health challenges without the support of their families or friends. This would add depth to your argument and demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the topic.
- Improved example: "Living far from home can be emotionally taxing, particularly when facing mental health issues. For example, a colleague who relocated to a different country experienced a period of homesickness, exacerbating her stress levels. This highlights the potential impact on mental well-being when separated from the support network of family and friends."
Overall, the essay effectively addresses the task and presents a clear position. However, enhancing the introduction and providing more specific examples in your arguments would contribute to a more well-rounded and persuasive essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices is varied and generally appropriate, although there are instances of slight underuse or overuse. The essay manages paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately, contributing to the overall structure.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence, ensure a more consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. While there is a commendable effort in presenting clear central topics within each paragraph, strive for even more precise and concise topic sentences. Additionally, consider incorporating a greater variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the overall flow. Keep an eye on potential overuse or underuse of certain devices for optimal balance.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, utilizing a wide range of words with fluency and flexibility. The language used is precise and conveys meanings effectively. There is skillful use of uncommon lexical items, contributing to the sophistication of the essay. Although there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, they do not significantly impede communication. Spelling and word formation are generally accurate, with rare errors.
How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource further, consider incorporating even more nuanced and sophisticated vocabulary. Pay attention to the occasional inaccuracies, ensuring that word choice and collocation are consistently precise. Additionally, continue to refine spelling and word formation to minimize errors further. Overall, maintaining the current level of lexical sophistication while addressing minor inaccuracies will contribute to achieving a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable grasp of grammatical structures and accuracy. It consistently employs a wide range of sentence structures with full flexibility and accuracy. The majority of sentences are error-free, and any errors that do occur are minor ‘slips’ rather than systematic issues. The use of complex structures contributes to the overall fluency of the essay, showcasing the writer’s command over grammar.
How to improve: While the essay is strong in grammatical range and accuracy, there’s always room for improvement. To enhance the score further, the writer could consider incorporating a more varied vocabulary and paying attention to precision in word choice. Additionally, ensuring a seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs could contribute to an even more polished piece of writing. Overall, maintaining this level of grammatical proficiency while refining other aspects of writing would result in an outstanding essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
The discussion about whether people should move away from their hometowns for work has been ongoing for years. While there are drawbacks to this trend, I firmly believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
On the downside, there are significant challenges when individuals relocate from their familiar surroundings. Firstly, adapting to a new work environment, especially when working abroad, involves dealing with unfamiliar languages and corporate cultures. This can make it hard for them to blend in at work, leading to feelings of isolation over time. Additionally, being far from home means they lack the support of family and friends, especially regarding mental health issues. Distance often leads to fewer meaningful conversations between employees and their parents due to busy work schedules and limited leisure time. Consequently, parents may not be readily available to offer immediate care and support.
However, I argue that this shift offers several advantages. Moving away from home opens up better job prospects, particularly in advanced sectors with more promising job opportunities. This allows employees to find jobs aligned with their career goals. For instance, America offers cutting-edge technology and great opportunities for scientists. Another strong argument for leaving one’s hometown for work is the chance to expand social circles. Moving away enables individuals to connect with many colleagues, fostering strong relationships. These expanded social circles can later provide valuable support.
In conclusion, despite the many drawbacks of living far from home, I believe that this step not only creates more job opportunities but also helps in building broader social relationships.