In many countries today, the retirement age has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries today, the retirement age has been raised.
Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

As society gradually progress, many aspect of life have had their bar raised, including the retirement age. And while the effect of such policy escape most people notice, this decision has undoubtedly harbor more advantages than drawbacks.
First and foremost, pushing back retirement age directly correlates to expanding in the work force. But rather than fresh recruit with only technical knowledge, the market now consist of more people with a plenthora of lifelong accumulated skills and practical know-hows. Not to mention, just by increasing the limit of one profession by a few years, experts and mentors can impart more experience to their juniors than what they can earn on their own under the same amount of time. This is an incredibly efficient way as it propose a shortcut to rapidly improve the overall quality and standards of every industry simultaneously
On the other hand, retiring later does pose several challenges and concerns. Although each and every retired person possesses immaculate experience, their physical capability might become a hindrance in multiple fields. Old age also introduce us to many chronic diseases which would usually get in the way of our daily functions, and affects our work negatively. And old driver might express superb driving capability during snowing or raining days could also be subjected to blurry eyesights or muddled hearing, which is disastrous should any unsavory incidents happen.
In conclusion, raising the retirement age would results in many positive effects, encompassing multiple aspect of life, albeit without worry. I would implore people to prepare contingency plans to cover and closely supervise those that are continuing their work in late ages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"As society gradually progress" -> "As society gradually progresses"
Explanation: The verb "progress" should be in the singular form "progresses" to agree with the singular subject "society."
"many aspect of life have had their bar raised" -> "many aspects of life have had their standards raised"
Explanation: "Aspect" should be pluralized to "aspects" to match the plural context, and "bar" is not the correct term here; "standards" is more appropriate in this context.
"the effect of such policy escape most people notice" -> "the effects of such policies escape most people’s notice"
Explanation: "Effect" should be pluralized to "effects" to match the plural context, and "people" should possess the pronoun "their" to correctly form the possessive phrase "people’s notice."
"harbor more advantages than drawbacks" -> "yield more advantages than disadvantages"
Explanation: "Harbor" is not typically used in this context; "yield" is more precise and appropriate for discussing outcomes. Also, "drawbacks" should be replaced with "disadvantages" for consistency in terminology.
"pushing back retirement age" -> "delaying retirement age"
Explanation: "Pushing back" is an informal idiom; "delaying" is more formal and precise.
"expanding in the work force" -> "expanding the workforce"
Explanation: "In the work force" is grammatically incorrect; "the workforce" is the correct noun phrase.
"fresh recruit with only technical knowledge" -> "new recruits with only technical knowledge"
Explanation: "Fresh" is too informal and vague; "new" is more precise and formal. Also, "recruit" should be pluralized to "recruits" to match the context.
"the market now consist of more people" -> "the market now consists of more people"
Explanation: "Consist" should be in the singular form "consists" to agree with the singular subject "market."
"plenthora" -> "plethora"
Explanation: "Plenthora" is a typographical error; the correct spelling is "plethora."
"impart more experience to their juniors" -> "impart more experience to their junior colleagues"
Explanation: "Juniors" is a noun that should be pluralized to "junior colleagues" to correctly refer to multiple individuals in a professional context.
"propose a shortcut" -> "provide a shortcut"
Explanation: "Propose" is not the correct verb here; "provide" is more appropriate for describing the offering of a solution.
"Old age also introduce us to many chronic diseases" -> "Old age also introduces us to many chronic diseases"
Explanation: "Introduce" should be in the singular form "introduces" to agree with the singular subject "old age."
"affects our work negatively" -> "affects our work negatively"
Explanation: The phrase "affects our work negatively" is redundant; "negatively" is implied by "affects," so it can be removed for conciseness and clarity.
"old driver might express superb driving capability" -> "older drivers may exhibit exceptional driving capabilities"
Explanation: "Old driver" should be "older drivers" to correctly refer to multiple individuals, and "express" is less formal; "exhibit" is more precise. Also, "superb" is informal; "exceptional" is more formal, and "capability" should be pluralized to "capabilities."
"raising the retirement age would results in many positive effects" -> "raising the retirement age would result in numerous positive effects"
Explanation: "Would results" is grammatically incorrect; "would result" is the correct form. Also, "many" is vague; "numerous" is more precise and formal.
"encompassing multiple aspect of life" -> "affecting multiple aspects of life"
Explanation: "Encompassing" is not the correct verb here; "affecting" is more appropriate for describing the impact of a policy. Also, "aspect" should be pluralized to "aspects."
"without worry" -> "without concern"
Explanation: "Without worry" is informal; "without concern" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. The writer argues that the benefits, such as the accumulation of skills and experience in the workforce, outweigh the drawbacks, like potential health issues among older workers. However, while the advantages are elaborated upon, the disadvantages could be explored in more depth. For instance, the mention of health issues is brief and lacks specific examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are given equal attention. This could involve providing more detailed examples of the disadvantages, such as specific industries where older workers might struggle, or discussing the social implications of an aging workforce. Additionally, including counterarguments could provide a more balanced view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages. The introduction sets this stance, and it is reiterated in the conclusion. However, the clarity of the position could be undermined by some ambiguous phrases, such as "without worry," which may confuse readers about the writer’s true stance on the potential challenges.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should aim for more precise language throughout the essay. Avoiding vague terms and ensuring that each point directly supports the main argument will help maintain a consistent position. A clear thesis statement in the introduction, followed by a summary of the main points in the conclusion, can also reinforce the essay’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly regarding the advantages of raising the retirement age, such as the benefits of experience and mentorship. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions the "plenthora of lifelong accumulated skills," it does not provide specific examples of how these skills benefit the workforce or society at large. The disadvantages are mentioned but lack depth and supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point with specific examples, anecdotes, or data. For instance, citing studies that show the impact of experienced workers on productivity or providing real-life examples of industries that benefit from older employees would enhance the argument. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help in extending ideas logically.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of raising the retirement age. However, there are moments where the discussion could veer off slightly, such as the mention of "old driver" and their capabilities, which feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument about retirement age. This could distract the reader from the central thesis.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and discussions are directly relevant to the retirement age issue. It would be beneficial to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. Keeping a clear structure with topic sentences that relate back to the thesis can also help in staying on topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, and structure. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. The introduction sets the context, and the body paragraphs are structured to address each side of the argument. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the advantages to the disadvantages is somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that guides the reader through the shift in focus. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates the main points but does not effectively summarize the argument or provide a clear stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the advantages, a sentence like "However, it is important to consider the potential drawbacks that come with this change" could provide a smoother transition. Furthermore, ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the points made but also clearly states your position on the overall argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and presents the advantages, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly defined. For instance, the first paragraph is lengthy and contains multiple ideas that could be broken down into smaller, more focused paragraphs. This would enhance readability and allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, aim for a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into two or more shorter ones, especially when introducing new ideas. This will help maintain the reader’s attention and improve the overall clarity of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "on the other hand," and "not to mention," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, "not to mention" could be replaced with alternatives like "furthermore" or "in addition" to add variety. Additionally, some sentences lack cohesive devices that would help clarify relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "consequently" to indicate a result, "however" for contrast, and "for instance" to introduce examples. Additionally, ensure that each sentence flows logically to the next by using cohesive devices that clarify the relationship between ideas, which will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "harbor," "plentora," and "immaculate" showcasing an attempt to use varied language. However, there are instances of repetition and limited synonyms, particularly with phrases like "retirement age" and "experience." The use of "pushing back" and "retiring later" could be expanded with synonyms like "extending" or "delaying" to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "retirement age," alternatives such as "age of retirement" or "retirement threshold" could be utilized. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "demographic shifts" or "labor market dynamics," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are notable inaccuracies. For example, the phrase "the effect of such policy escape most people notice" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The term "plenthora" is a misspelling of "plethora," which detracts from the precision of the vocabulary. Furthermore, phrases like "immaculate experience" may not convey the intended meaning accurately, as "immaculate" typically refers to cleanliness or perfection rather than experience.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary choices accurately reflect their intended meanings. Revising awkward phrases for clarity, such as changing "escape most people notice" to "go unnoticed by most people," would improve understanding. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find more appropriate words can help avoid misused terms.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "plenthora" instead of "plethora," "aspect" instead of "aspects," and "results" instead of "result." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them before submission can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in vocabulary usage, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("Although each and every retired person possesses immaculate experience, their physical capability might become a hindrance in multiple fields.") and compound sentences. However, there is a noticeable reliance on simpler structures and a lack of more sophisticated grammatical forms. For example, phrases like "As society gradually progress" and "the market now consist of more people" contain grammatical errors that detract from the overall range.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. Using introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, and different conjunctions can help achieve this. Additionally, reviewing the use of subject-verb agreement and ensuring that verbs match their subjects in number and tense will improve grammatical accuracy.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that impact clarity and coherence. For instance, "As society gradually progress" should be "As society gradually progresses," and "the market now consist" should be "the market now consists." Punctuation issues are also present, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, the sentence "This is an incredibly efficient way as it propose a shortcut to rapidly improve the overall quality and standards of every industry simultaneously" could benefit from a comma before "as" to clarify the relationship between the clauses.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses. Regularly practicing grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct common mistakes. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there are significant areas for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. Focusing on these aspects will help the writer achieve a higher band score in future IELTS writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

As society gradually progresses, many aspects of life have had their standards raised, including the retirement age. While the effects of such policies escape most people’s notice, this decision has undoubtedly harbored more advantages than drawbacks.

First and foremost, pushing back the retirement age directly correlates to expanding the workforce. Rather than relying on new recruits with only technical knowledge, the market now consists of more people with a plethora of lifelong accumulated skills and practical know-how. Not to mention, by increasing the limit of one profession by a few years, experts and mentors can impart more experience to their junior colleagues than what they can earn on their own in the same amount of time. This is an incredibly efficient way as it provides a shortcut to rapidly improve the overall quality and standards of every industry simultaneously.

On the other hand, retiring later does pose several challenges and concerns. Although every retired person possesses immaculate experience, their physical capability might become a hindrance in multiple fields. Old age also introduces us to many chronic diseases that usually get in the way of our daily functions and affect our work negatively. An older driver might exhibit exceptional driving capabilities during snowy or rainy days but could also be subjected to blurry eyesight or muddled hearing, which is disastrous should any unsavory incidents occur.

In conclusion, raising the retirement age would result in many positive effects, affecting multiple aspects of life, albeit without concern. I would implore people to prepare contingency plans to cover and closely supervise those who are continuing their work at later ages.