In many nations, if people want to find work opportunities, they have to move far away from their friends and family. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries, people have to leave their friends and family and move to other places to pursue career opportunities. From my personal view, this situation brings back more drawbacks than its advantages. I will discuss both sides in this essay below.

Moving to another place can bring people good work opportunities. Nowadays, many job options are offered in large cities or in certain industrial areas, this triggers a huge amount of employees to leave their hometown for a better career path, especially those who are from rural areas, in which there is almost no opening. Additionally, living far away from family or friends to work is a chance for new experience and personal development. For example, young people can get mature and more independent in most aspects of their life during their working journey. Furthermore, they can also expand their network by making new friends at new places.

In contrast, aside from those benefits, there are also serious problems regarding this term. Living far from family or friends may cause difficulties in terms of both financial issues and feelings. First of all, their monthly expenses will increase due to renting fees and other costs that could be saved up if they live together with their family members. To some individuals, earning a living in a strange place may cause them stress and further emotional sufferings because they have to deal with homesickness to adapt to a new environment. For example, if there are any problems happening at home, they are not available right away to be with their family. Moreover, in the long run, this trend can lead to brain drain. This can be explained that instead of contributing and making their hometown developed, some excellent employees go away to a more dynamic environment, then work dedicatedly and settle down there, leaving their first place unchanged.

In conclusion, in some nations, the fact that people leaving their friends and family for work has become very popular, this trend is beneficial in some aspects but to me, its advantages are more considerable.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"From my personal view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "From my personal view," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"this situation brings back more drawbacks than its advantages" -> "this situation presents more drawbacks than advantages"
Explanation: The phrase "brings back" is incorrect in this context. "Presents" is the correct verb to use when discussing the nature of a situation, improving the grammatical accuracy and formality of the sentence.
"Nowadays, many job options are offered" -> "Currently, numerous job opportunities are available"
Explanation: "Currently" is more formal than "Nowadays," and "numerous job opportunities are available" is a more precise and formal way to express the availability of jobs.
"this triggers a huge amount of employees" -> "this attracts a large number of employees"
Explanation: "Triggers" is not the correct verb in this context; "attracts" is more appropriate to describe the drawing of employees to a particular location. "A huge amount" is also less formal than "a large number," which is preferred in academic writing.
"almost no opening" -> "limited job opportunities"
Explanation: "Almost no opening" is informal and vague. "Limited job opportunities" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"a chance for new experience and personal development" -> "an opportunity for new experiences and personal growth"
Explanation: "A chance" is informal and vague; "an opportunity" is more formal and precise. Also, "personal development" is a more formal term than "personal growth," which is slightly less formal.
"get mature" -> "become more mature"
Explanation: "Get mature" is an informal and somewhat awkward construction. "Become more mature" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"in most aspects of their life" -> "in various aspects of their lives"
Explanation: "In most aspects of their life" is grammatically incorrect as it should be plural ("lives") to match the plural subject "young people." "Various" is also more precise than "most," which can be seen as vague.
"serious problems regarding this term" -> "serious issues with this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Regarding this term" is awkward and unclear. "Issues with this phenomenon" is clearer and more formal, appropriate for academic writing.
"their monthly expenses will increase" -> "their monthly expenses may increase"
Explanation: "Will" implies certainty, which is not suitable here as it is speculative. "May" is more appropriate for expressing possibility in this context.
"further emotional sufferings" -> "further emotional distress"
Explanation: "Sufferings" is less formal and slightly archaic; "distress" is more contemporary and suitable for academic writing.
"brain drain" -> "talent drain"
Explanation: "Brain drain" is a colloquial term; "talent drain" is more formal and appropriate for an academic context, focusing on the loss of skilled individuals.
"to me, its advantages are more considerable" -> "to me, the advantages are more significant"
Explanation: "More considerable" is less formal and slightly vague. "More significant" is a clearer and more formal term, enhancing the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away for work. The author presents the benefits of job opportunities and personal growth in the first half, followed by a discussion of the drawbacks, such as financial strain and emotional challenges. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit comparison of the advantages and disadvantages, particularly in the conclusion, where the author states that the advantages are "more considerable" without clearly quantifying or elaborating on this assertion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly weigh the advantages against the disadvantages in the conclusion. This could involve summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs and providing a more definitive statement on why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, perhaps by including specific examples or statistics.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages of moving away for work outweigh the advantages. This stance is evident from the beginning, as the author states their viewpoint upfront. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt, and the conclusion could reinforce the position more strongly.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, reiterating the main position in each section of the essay can help reinforce the stance and remind the reader of the overarching argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the advantages and disadvantages of moving for work. For example, it discusses personal growth and networking opportunities as benefits, while highlighting financial strain and emotional distress as drawbacks. However, some points could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the mention of "brain drain" is an important concept but is not fully explained or supported with examples or evidence.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to extend and support ideas with more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, elaborating on the concept of brain drain with specific examples of regions affected or statistics about migration trends could add depth. Additionally, providing more personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios could help illustrate the points made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of moving away for work. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "new experiences" and "personal development" could be more directly tied back to how these aspects relate to the overall advantages and disadvantages of relocating for work.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the prompt in each paragraph and ensuring that all examples and explanations serve to clarify or support the main argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and relevance of examples will help elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct sections: one discussing the advantages of moving for work, and the other addressing the disadvantages. This logical organization allows the reader to follow the argument easily. However, there are moments where the flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph to signal the shift in focus. Phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will further strengthen the organization.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to digest the information. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to enhance readability, especially since it covers multiple disadvantages.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on financial issues and the other on emotional challenges. This division would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each disadvantage and improve overall clarity. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear topic sentence and supporting details that are closely related to that topic.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Additionally," "For example," and "In contrast," which help connect ideas and provide examples. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be made clearer.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Additionally," consider alternatives like "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "In addition." Additionally, using phrases like "This means that" or "Consequently" can help clarify the relationships between ideas. Ensuring that each sentence flows logically into the next will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement. By enhancing logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and effectiveness in communication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "career opportunities," "personal development," and "brain drain" effectively used. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "move to other places" is somewhat repetitive and could be replaced with synonyms such as "relocate" or "transfer." Additionally, phrases like "good work opportunities" could be enhanced by using more sophisticated alternatives like "lucrative employment prospects."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while writing can help in finding varied expressions. Practicing with vocabulary exercises that focus on synonyms and antonyms can also aid in expanding lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "homesickness" and "financial issues," which accurately convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "this situation brings back more drawbacks than its advantages." The phrase "brings back" is not the most appropriate choice here; "presents" or "presents more drawbacks" would be clearer. Additionally, the phrase "this trend can lead to brain drain" could be more explicitly defined for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used and ensure that they convey the intended meaning without ambiguity. Reading more academic texts can help in understanding how to use vocabulary more precisely. It may also be beneficial to practice rewriting sentences to enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "mature" used in the context of "get mature," which is not incorrect but could be phrased better as "matured" or "become more mature." Such nuances can affect the overall impression of spelling and grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, engaging in regular writing practice and reviewing spelling rules can further solidify spelling skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence uses a complex structure: "In many countries, people have to leave their friends and family and move to other places to pursue career opportunities." This effectively sets the context. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the second paragraph, where many sentences begin with "Moving to another place" or "Additionally," which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Additionally," they could use alternatives like "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "In addition to this." Additionally, varying the placement of subordinate clauses could create more complex and engaging sentences. For example, "Although moving away can be challenging, it often leads to significant personal growth."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with most sentences correctly structured and punctuated. However, there are a few grammatical errors that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "this triggers a huge amount of employees" should use "number" instead of "amount," as "employees" is a countable noun. Additionally, the sentence "this trend can lead to brain drain" could be better expressed as "this trend can contribute to brain drain" for clarity. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "especially those who are from rural areas."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review the distinction between countable and uncountable nouns, ensuring appropriate usage of "amount" versus "number." Additionally, a thorough proofreading process focusing on punctuation could help identify areas where commas would enhance clarity. For example, revising sentences for better flow and clarity, such as breaking up longer sentences or adding commas for introductory phrases, would strengthen the overall grammatical quality of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there are specific areas for improvement that could elevate the writing to a higher band score. By diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can achieve greater clarity and effectiveness in their arguments.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries, people have to leave their friends and family and move to other places to pursue career opportunities. From my perspective, this situation presents more drawbacks than advantages. I will discuss both sides in this essay below.

Moving to another place can bring people good work opportunities. Nowadays, numerous job options are available in large cities or in certain industrial areas; this attracts a large number of employees to leave their hometowns for a better career path, especially those who are from rural areas, where there are almost no openings. Additionally, living far away from family or friends to work is an opportunity for new experiences and personal growth. For example, young people can become more mature and more independent in various aspects of their lives during their working journey. Furthermore, they can also expand their network by making new friends in new places.

In contrast, aside from those benefits, there are also serious issues with this phenomenon. Living far from family or friends may cause difficulties in terms of both financial issues and feelings. First of all, their monthly expenses may increase due to renting fees and other costs that could be saved if they lived together with their family members. To some individuals, earning a living in a strange place may cause them stress and further emotional distress because they have to deal with homesickness while adapting to a new environment. For example, if there are any problems happening at home, they are not available right away to be with their family. Moreover, in the long run, this trend can lead to talent drain. This can be explained by the fact that instead of contributing to and making their hometowns developed, some excellent employees go away to a more dynamic environment, then work dedicatedly and settle down there, leaving their first place unchanged.

In conclusion, in some nations, the fact that people leave their friends and family for work has become very popular. This trend is beneficial in some aspects, but to me, the disadvantages are more significant.