In many places, new homes are needed, but the only space available for building them is in the countryside. Some people believe it is more important to protect the countryside and not build new homes there. What is your opinion about this

In many places, new homes are needed, but the only space available for
building them is in the countryside. Some people believe it is more important to
protect the countryside and not build new homes there. What is your opinion about this

In multiple places, new homes play a very important role in affording living places for people; however, the building spaces are only available in the countryside. Others argue that protecting the environment in the countryside is much more essential than building new homes.
In my opinion, having more houses will afford the increasing amount of population nowadays; therefore, constructing more houses in the countryside will be very beneficial for both the rural and the country.
When more houses are built in the countryside, it will attract various companies to flock to those areas to start a new business there, this plays a vital role in developing the countryside by creating more jobs and increasing the amount of revenue generated which will help to increase the living standards in the rural areas and solve the problem of unemployment. Moreover, with a high income , the rural areas will soon be as developed as the urban areas which will eliminate the financial gap between the city and the countryside.
On the other hand, as more houses are built in the countryside, more companies will set up their businesses there and this can cause a degradation in the countryside’s environment, this will also make the countryside lose their traditional look. For example, a poor, undeveloped countryside but it is full of fresh air and picturesque natural surroundings. This takes the notice of a lot of big corporations to invest on those areas which will attract a lot of people in numerous urban areas to flock these areas to both look for a job and to enjoy the fresh environment. The downside of this is it could destroy the environment because of the increasing population in the area and turning the countryside into a big city with various types of pollution.
In conclusion, even though it is essential to protect the countryside . In order to afford living accommodations for a rising population these days, building spaces are needed.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In multiple places" -> "In various regions"
   Explanation: "In multiple places" is somewhat vague and informal. "In various regions" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, specifying the geographical scope more clearly.

2. "play a very important role in affording living places" -> "play a crucial role in providing housing"
   Explanation: "Affording living places" is awkward and unclear. "Providing housing" is more direct and formal, aligning better with academic language.

3. "the building spaces are only available in the countryside" -> "housing development is primarily concentrated in rural areas"
   Explanation: "The building spaces are only available" is awkward and imprecise. "Housing development is primarily concentrated in rural areas" is more specific and formal, accurately describing the geographical distribution of housing.

4. "having more houses will afford the increasing amount of population" -> "the construction of more houses addresses the growing population"
   Explanation: "Having more houses will afford the increasing amount of population" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The construction of more houses addresses the growing population" is grammatically correct and clearer.

5. "it will attract various companies to flock to those areas" -> "it will attract numerous companies to these areas"
   Explanation: "Flock to" is an informal idiom. "Attract numerous companies to these areas" is more formal and precise.

6. "this plays a vital role in developing the countryside" -> "this significantly contributes to the development of rural areas"
   Explanation: "This plays a vital role" is somewhat informal and vague. "This significantly contributes to the development of rural areas" is more specific and formal.

7. "increasing the amount of revenue generated" -> "increasing revenue generation"
   Explanation: "Increasing the amount of revenue generated" is verbose. "Increasing revenue generation" is more concise and maintains formality.

8. "with a high income, the rural areas will soon be as developed as the urban areas" -> "with increased income, rural areas will soon match the level of development of urban areas"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

9. "a poor, undeveloped countryside but it is full of fresh air and picturesque natural surroundings" -> "a rural area that is impoverished but rich in fresh air and picturesque natural surroundings"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the description.

10. "This takes the notice of a lot of big corporations" -> "This attracts numerous large corporations"
    Explanation: "Takes the notice of" is informal and unclear. "Attracts numerous large corporations" is more direct and formal.

11. "to invest on those areas" -> "to invest in those areas"
    Explanation: "On" is incorrect in this context; "in" is the correct preposition for investment.

12. "it could destroy the environment" -> "it may harm the environment"
    Explanation: "Destroy" is too absolute and informal for academic writing. "Harm" is more measured and appropriate for formal discourse.

13. "turning the countryside into a big city with various types of pollution" -> "transforming the countryside into a densely populated urban area with various forms of pollution"
    Explanation: "Big city" is vague and informal. "Densely populated urban area" is more precise and formal. "Various types" is replaced with "various forms" for a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the need for new homes in the countryside and the importance of protecting the environment. The introduction outlines the issue, and the body paragraphs present arguments for both sides. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, particularly in the conclusion, where it seems to favor one side without fully addressing the implications of the other.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are discussed more evenly. Including a more developed counterargument would provide a balanced view and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the complexities involved in the issue.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer presents a clear opinion in favor of building homes in the countryside, stating that it is beneficial for both rural development and the economy. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, the mention of environmental degradation is somewhat contradictory to the main argument, which could confuse the reader about the writer’s true stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link back to their main argument after discussing counterpoints. Using transitional phrases like "Despite these concerns, I believe…" can help clarify the writer’s stance and reinforce their opinion throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the economic benefits of building homes and the potential environmental impacts. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration and supporting evidence. For example, the claim that building homes will increase living standards is made but not backed up with specific examples or data.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include statistics on housing demand, case studies of successful rural development, or specific examples of how new homes have positively impacted communities.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the need for homes and the implications for the countryside. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the discussion of environmental degradation, which could lead to a loss of clarity regarding the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument. Using topic sentences that directly relate to the thesis can help keep the writing on track. Additionally, avoiding overly complex sentences that introduce multiple ideas at once can help maintain clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the need for new homes in the countryside while also acknowledging the importance of protecting the environment. However, the organization of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of building homes to the potential environmental degradation is somewhat abrupt. The introduction sets the stage well, but the body paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph follows a logical progression of ideas. For example, after discussing the benefits of new homes, explicitly introduce the counterargument about environmental concerns before diving into the details.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure within them could be more effective. The first paragraph introduces the topic well, but the subsequent paragraphs are somewhat lengthy and contain multiple ideas that could be split into separate paragraphs. For instance, the second body paragraph discusses both the economic benefits and environmental concerns, which could confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: Aim for one main idea per paragraph. For example, separate the discussion of economic benefits into one paragraph and environmental concerns into another. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily and improve the overall clarity of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "moreover" and "on the other hand," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are moments where transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "this plays a vital role" could be better connected to the previous sentence for clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance the flow of ideas. For example, when introducing a counterargument, phrases like "however" or "despite this" can effectively signal a shift in perspective.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "affording," "essential," "degradation," and "picturesque." However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "new homes" and "countryside," which could have been varied to enhance the essay’s lexical richness. For example, instead of repeatedly using "countryside," synonyms such as "rural areas" or "outlying regions" could have been employed.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of vocabulary. This can be achieved by brainstorming synonyms and related terms before writing. Additionally, reading more academic texts or essays can expose the writer to varied vocabulary usage in context.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice is imprecise or awkward. For example, the phrase "afford the increasing amount of population" is not idiomatic; "accommodate the growing population" would be more appropriate. Similarly, "this plays a vital role in developing the countryside" could be more clearly expressed as "this is crucial for the development of rural areas."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on understanding the nuances of word meanings and their appropriate contexts. Engaging in exercises that involve matching words with their definitions or using them in sentences can help solidify this understanding. Additionally, reviewing common collocations in English can aid in using words more naturally.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there are instances where spelling mistakes could detract from the overall impression, such as "affording" which should be "afford" in the context used. The phrase "the rural and the country" is also awkwardly constructed and could be simplified to "the rural areas and the country."
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that might be overlooked when reading silently. Additionally, keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as complex sentences ("When more houses are built in the countryside, it will attract various companies…") and compound sentences ("In my opinion, having more houses will afford the increasing amount of population…"). However, there is a tendency to rely on similar structures, which limits the overall range. For instance, many sentences begin with a subject followed by a verb, leading to a somewhat monotonous rhythm.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "more houses are built," try varying the subject or using introductory phrases ("Despite the potential benefits of building more houses…"). Additionally, using conditional sentences ("If more houses are built, then…") can add depth to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "this plays a vital role in developing the countryside" lacks a clear subject in the preceding clause, leading to confusion. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in "this can cause a degradation in the countryside’s environment, this will also make the countryside lose their traditional look." The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly before conjunctions.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that each clause is clearly connected. For example, revise the problematic sentence to: "This can cause degradation in the countryside’s environment, and it may also lead to a loss of its traditional look." Practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage, will also enhance clarity. Consider reviewing resources on punctuation and practicing with exercises that focus on common errors.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In various regions, new homes play a crucial role in providing housing for people; however, the available building spaces are primarily concentrated in the countryside. Some argue that protecting the environment in these areas is more essential than constructing new homes.

In my opinion, increasing the number of houses is vital to accommodate the growing population today; therefore, housing development in the countryside will be beneficial for both rural areas and the country as a whole.

When more houses are built in the countryside, it will attract numerous companies to these areas to establish new businesses. This significantly contributes to the development of rural regions by creating more jobs and increasing revenue generation, which will help improve living standards and address unemployment issues. Moreover, with increased income, rural areas will soon match the level of development found in urban areas, thereby reducing the financial gap between cities and the countryside.

On the other hand, as more houses are constructed in rural areas, the influx of companies may harm the environment, causing degradation and altering the traditional landscape. For example, a rural area that is impoverished but rich in fresh air and picturesque natural surroundings may attract numerous large corporations to invest in those areas. This could lead to an influx of people from urban regions seeking jobs and a better quality of life. However, the downside is that this transformation could result in turning the countryside into a densely populated urban area, leading to various forms of pollution.

In conclusion, while it is essential to protect the countryside, building spaces are necessary to accommodate the rising population. Balancing development with environmental preservation is crucial for sustainable growth.