In modern society, traditional and religious festivals are deviating from their original value. While I agree that this trend has some benefit for a tiny community, I personally believe that this trend also has an adverse impact on the development of some countries. On the one hand, participating in festivals is one type of entertainment which is similar to watching movies or going shopping. In other words, the purpose of joining festivals is slowing down after a long working day; therefore, inhabitants often focus on the interesting fun activities instead of attentioning to traditional religious beliefs. Additionally, this is the most effective method to develop the country’s economy. For instance, in Japan, a famous eastern-festival like Lunar new year has been shutted down for hundreds of years and replaced by New year. As a result, there are various prosperities of the japanese economy On the other hand, this trend is relatively negative because of the loss of social connection. Simply, tradition or religion is the face of the country and indirectly facilitates a variety of aspects in life. So low is the traditional knowledge that some countries can face a wide range of issues such as religious conflict, separatism. For instance, in Vietnam, some famous festivals like Tet holidays, Mid-autumn festivals are turning into worthless holidays in which children receive lucky money or candy without really understanding those festivals. As a result, the erosion of traditional values is a problem that needs to be addressed In conclusion, all things considered, it is my strong belief that forgetting the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals is a negative trend. Besides, I also contend that it is essential to some countries .
In modern society, traditional and religious festivals are deviating from their original value. While I agree that this trend has some benefit for a tiny community, I personally believe that this trend also has an adverse impact on the development of some countries.
On the one hand, participating in festivals is one type of entertainment which is similar to watching movies or going shopping. In other words, the purpose of joining festivals is slowing down after a long working day; therefore, inhabitants often focus on the interesting fun activities instead of attentioning to traditional religious beliefs. Additionally, this is the most effective method to develop the country's economy. For instance, in Japan, a famous eastern-festival like Lunar new year has been shutted down for hundreds of years and replaced by New year. As a result, there are various prosperities of the japanese economy
On the other hand, this trend is relatively negative because of the loss of social connection. Simply, tradition or religion is the face of the country and indirectly facilitates a variety of aspects in life. So low is the traditional knowledge that some countries can face a wide range of issues such as religious conflict, separatism. For instance, in Vietnam, some famous festivals like Tet holidays, Mid-autumn festivals are turning into worthless holidays in which children receive lucky money or candy without really understanding those festivals. As a result, the erosion of traditional values is a problem that needs to be addressed
In conclusion, all things considered, it is my strong belief that forgetting the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals is a negative trend. Besides, I also contend that it is essential to some countries
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In modern society, traditional and religious festivals are deviating from their original value. While I agree that this trend has some benefit for a tiny community, I personally believe that this trend also has an adverse impact on the development of some countries.
On the one hand, participating in festivals is one type of entertainment which is similar to watching movies or going shopping. In other words, the purpose of joining festivals is slowing down after a long working day; therefore, inhabitants often focus on the interesting fun activities instead of attentioning to traditional religious beliefs. Additionally, this is the most effective method to develop the country's economy. For instance, in Japan, a famous eastern-festival like Lunar new year has been shutted down for hundreds of years and replaced by New year. As a result, there are various prosperities of the japanese economy
On the other hand, this trend is relatively negative because of the loss of social connection. Simply, tradition or religion is the face of the country and indirectly facilitates a variety of aspects in life. So low is the traditional knowledge that some countries can face a wide range of issues such as religious conflict, separatism. For instance, in Vietnam, some famous festivals like Tet holidays, Mid-autumn festivals are turning into worthless holidays in which children receive lucky money or candy without really understanding those festivals. As a result, the erosion of traditional values is a problem that needs to be addressed
In conclusion, all things considered, it is my strong belief that forgetting the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals is a negative trend. Besides, I also contend that it is essential to some countries
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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"deviating from their original value" -> "diverging from their original purpose"
Explanation: "Diverging from their original purpose" is more precise and academically appropriate than "deviating from their original value," which is vague and could be misinterpreted. -
"this trend has some benefit" -> "this trend offers some benefits"
Explanation: "Offers some benefits" is more formal and aligns better with academic style than "has some benefit," which is grammatically incorrect and less formal. -
"a tiny community" -> "a small community"
Explanation: "A tiny community" is colloquial and imprecise. "A small community" is more neutral and appropriate for formal writing. -
"participating in festivals is one type of entertainment" -> "participating in festivals is a form of entertainment"
Explanation: "A form of" is more formal and precise than "one type of," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"the purpose of joining festivals is slowing down" -> "the purpose of attending festivals is to relax"
Explanation: "To relax" is a clearer and more direct expression than "slowing down," which is awkward and unclear in this context. -
"inhabitants often focus on the interesting fun activities" -> "residents often focus on the enjoyable activities"
Explanation: "Residents" is more formal than "inhabitants," and "enjoyable" is more precise than "interesting fun," which is redundant and informal. -
"this is the most effective method to develop the country’s economy" -> "this is a significant method for economic development"
Explanation: "A significant method for economic development" is more formal and avoids the absolute claim of "most effective," which can be subjective and overly strong. -
"shutted down" -> "discontinued"
Explanation: "Discontinued" is a more formal and precise term than "shutted down," which is colloquial and imprecise. -
"prosperities of the japanese economy" -> "prosperity of the Japanese economy"
Explanation: "Prosperity" should be singular when referring to the overall state of the economy, and "Japanese" should be capitalized as it refers to the country. -
"this trend is relatively negative" -> "this trend is largely detrimental"
Explanation: "Largely detrimental" is more formal and specific than "relatively negative," which is vague and less forceful. -
"So low is the traditional knowledge" -> "Such is the decline in traditional knowledge"
Explanation: "Such is the decline in traditional knowledge" is grammatically correct and clearer than "So low is the traditional knowledge," which is awkward and incorrect. -
"some famous festivals like Tet holidays, Mid-autumn festivals" -> "famous festivals such as Tet and Mid-autumn"
Explanation: "Festivals such as Tet and Mid-autumn" is more concise and formal than the original phrase, which is awkwardly phrased and informal. -
"worthless holidays" -> "meaningless holidays"
Explanation: "Meaningless" is a more precise and formal term than "worthless," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"it is my strong belief" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "I firmly believe" is a more direct and formal expression than "it is my strong belief," which is awkward and less direct. -
"forgetting the meaning behind" -> "ignoring the significance of"
Explanation: "Ignoring the significance of" is more formal and precise than "forgetting the meaning behind," which is less formal and slightly vague.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the benefits and drawbacks of the trend of traditional and religious festivals deviating from their original values. The writer agrees that there are some benefits for a small community while emphasizing the negative impacts on the development of countries. However, the discussion of benefits is somewhat limited and lacks depth. For instance, the mention of economic development through festivals is not sufficiently elaborated upon, and the example of Japan’s Lunar New Year is not clearly connected to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should provide more specific examples and explanations of how festivals can benefit communities beyond economic aspects. Including a more detailed analysis of the positive impacts on community cohesion or cultural exchange could strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the trend of deviating from traditional values is largely negative, particularly for countries. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, with consistent references to the adverse effects of this trend. However, the initial agreement with the benefits for a tiny community could create some ambiguity about the overall position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could more explicitly differentiate between the minor benefits and the overarching negative consequences. A clearer thesis statement in the introduction that emphasizes the primary focus on the negative impacts would help solidify the position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the entertainment aspect of festivals and the loss of social connection. While some ideas are introduced, they are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the assertion that traditional festivals facilitate social connection is made but not thoroughly explained or backed by examples.
- How to improve: To enhance this criterion, the writer should aim to extend their ideas by providing more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, discussing specific social or cultural consequences of losing traditional festivals could provide a more robust argument. Additionally, integrating statistics or studies related to the impact of festivals on community cohesion could strengthen the support for the claims made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of changing traditional and religious festivals. However, there are moments where the connection to the main argument becomes tenuous, particularly in the transition between discussing entertainment and the loss of traditional values. The phrase "the erosion of traditional values is a problem that needs to be addressed" feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the central argument. Using topic sentences that directly relate to the thesis can help keep the discussion on track. Additionally, ensuring that transitions between ideas are logical and cohesive will enhance the overall flow of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, development of ideas, and coherence of arguments. By providing more detailed examples and ensuring that all parts of the question are thoroughly addressed, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position on the topic and attempts to structure the arguments into two main paragraphs. However, the logical flow is somewhat disrupted by unclear connections between ideas. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the idea of festivals as entertainment but fails to clearly link this to the economic benefits mentioned later. Additionally, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from positive to negative aspects feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the thesis statement and that ideas within paragraphs are connected logically. Using topic sentences that summarize the main point of each paragraph can help guide the reader. For example, starting the second paragraph with a clear statement about the negative impacts of the trend would create a more cohesive transition.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is good practice. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better delineated, and there is a lack of clear topic sentences. The second paragraph also introduces several concepts without clear transitions, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a strong topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Following this, the writer should develop the idea with supporting details, ensuring that each point is clearly linked to the topic sentence. For instance, the first paragraph could be divided into two distinct points: one focusing on the entertainment aspect and another on economic benefits, each with its own topic sentence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are awkwardly constructed, such as "attentioning to traditional religious beliefs." Additionally, the use of linking words within paragraphs is minimal, which affects the overall flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more fluidly. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help clarify relationships between points. Additionally, ensuring that pronouns and references are clear will enhance cohesion. For instance, instead of "this is the most effective method," specifying what "this" refers to would improve clarity.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to structure arguments logically, improvements in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "deviating," "adverse impact," and "erosion of traditional values." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "traditional and religious festivals" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which could enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "traditional and religious festivals," they could use "cultural celebrations," "heritage events," or "festive traditions." Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs would enrich the language, such as "significant" instead of "famous" or "various" instead of "a wide range."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices are imprecise or incorrect. For example, the phrase "attentioning to traditional religious beliefs" is not standard English; the correct term would be "paying attention to." Additionally, "shutted down" is a grammatical error; the correct form is "shut down." The phrase "prosperities of the Japanese economy" is awkward and should be rephrased to "benefits to the Japanese economy."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should review vocabulary usage and ensure that terms are used correctly in context. This includes using standard phrases and checking for grammatical accuracy. A good practice would be to consult a thesaurus for synonyms and a dictionary for correct usage, especially for phrases that are commonly misused.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "shutted" instead of "shut," "japanese" instead of "Japanese," and "Tet holidays" should be capitalized as "Tết holidays." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used words and phrases in academic writing can build confidence and reduce mistakes in future essays.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in lexical resource. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and correcting spelling errors, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "On the one hand, participating in festivals is one type of entertainment which is similar to watching movies or going shopping" is a complex sentence that effectively introduces a point. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward structures, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the purpose of joining festivals is slowing down after a long working day," which could be more fluidly expressed. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the erosion of traditional values is a problem that needs to be addressed" shows a tendency towards repetitive structures.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied connectors. For instance, using relative clauses or participial phrases can enhance the complexity of sentences. Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases) can create a more engaging flow. Practicing sentence transformation exercises can also help in developing a wider range of grammatical structures.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "has been shutted down" should be "has been shut down," indicating a misuse of the past participle. The phrase "attentioning to traditional religious beliefs" is incorrect; the correct form would be "paying attention to." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. The capitalization of "japanese" should be corrected to "Japanese."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing the rules of verb forms and subject-verb agreement. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those targeting common errors, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used appropriately in complex sentences can enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct mistakes before submission.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant examples, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In modern society, traditional and religious festivals are deviating from their original value. While I agree that this trend offers some benefits for a small community, I personally believe that it also has an adverse impact on the development of some countries.
On the one hand, participating in festivals is one type of entertainment that is similar to watching movies or going shopping. In other words, the purpose of attending festivals is to relax after a long working day; therefore, residents often focus on the enjoyable activities instead of paying attention to traditional religious beliefs. Additionally, this is a significant method for economic development. For instance, in Japan, a famous eastern festival like Lunar New Year has been discontinued for hundreds of years and replaced by New Year. As a result, there are various prosperities of the Japanese economy.
On the other hand, this trend is largely detrimental because of the loss of social connection. Simply put, tradition or religion is the face of the country and indirectly facilitates a variety of aspects in life. Such is the decline in traditional knowledge that some countries can face a wide range of issues such as religious conflict and separatism. For instance, in Vietnam, some famous festivals like Tet and Mid-autumn are turning into meaningless holidays in which children receive lucky money or candy without really understanding those festivals. As a result, the erosion of traditional values is a problem that needs to be addressed.
In conclusion, all things considered, I firmly believe that forgetting the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals is a negative trend. Besides, I also contend that it is essential to some countries.
