In numerous nations there is a growing trend of individual frequently discussing financial matters such as their earning or expenditures in their everyday consevations. What are the reasons behind this phenomenon?Is it advantages or detrmental?

It is irrefutable that communication plays an important role in our life. In recent times, an increasing number of people are concerned about financial matters, such as: their earnings or expenditure in their everyday conversations. There are many reasons behind this phenomenon. I believe that it can bring many disadvantages to individuals and the companies.
On the one hand, I think there are many compelling reasons why the growing trend of individuals frequently discussing financial matters. One of the key reasons is that they want to give advice to others, therefore they can compare expenditures of their lives with others. As a result, they will learn from each other and how to spend money wisely. Another significant reason is that they want to have the opportunity to learn about the information of the economy so they will broaden their perspective about the job market. Furthermore, they can expand their business network and find a well paid job therefore they can improve their quality of life and do not need to face financial difficulties.
On the other hand, I believe that this trend can offer many negatives. Firstly, it will improve their mental health, they are likely to be stressed and depressed when finding out their expenditures of each other. For example ,when hearing that others buy many luxury goods so they can feel a wide gap between the rich and the poor. Besides, they can suffer from brain diseases. For instance, in 2019 the number of people who are stressed increased significantly in some economically developed countries in the world such as: Japan, China and England. The second drawback that should be taken into consideration is that the companies can not keep employees. The reason is that these companies will be difficult about offering a suitable salary to each employee and they will compete with each other. As a result they can not keep employees so they will face financial difficulties.
In conclusion, I am strongly convinced that these are 2 various reasons for this trend: people want to give advice and want to have an opportunity for a well paid job. Besides, discussing financial matters is negative to people’s health and these companies. This is because people will be stressed and these companies can not keep employees.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"It is irrefutable that" -> "It is indisputable that"
Explanation: "Irrefutable" suggests something that cannot be disproved, which might be too strong for this context. "Indisputable" is a more appropriate synonym in academic writing, conveying the same meaning but in a slightly softer tone.
"In recent times" -> "Recently"
Explanation: "In recent times" is a slightly informal expression. "Recently" is more concise and fits better within formal writing conventions.
"an increasing number of people are concerned about financial matters" -> "an increasing number of individuals are preoccupied with financial matters"
Explanation: "Concerned" may imply worry or anxiety, which might not accurately capture the intended meaning. "Preoccupied" is a more neutral term often used in academic writing to indicate a focus or attention on something.
"expenditure" -> "spending"
Explanation: While "expenditure" is not incorrect, "spending" is a more common and straightforward term in this context, maintaining clarity and simplicity.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is a more conversational phrase. In academic writing, "Firstly" provides a clearer and more structured transition to introduce the first point.
"compelling reasons" -> "convincing reasons"
Explanation: "Compelling" is slightly informal for academic writing. "Convincing" is a suitable alternative that maintains the meaning while aligning better with formal language.
"the growing trend of individuals frequently discussing financial matters" -> "the increasing prevalence of individuals engaging in frequent discussions about financial matters"
Explanation: "Growing trend" is somewhat redundant with "increasing," and "prevalence" is a more precise term for academic writing. Additionally, "engaging in" is more formal than "discussing."
"give advice" -> "offer advice"
Explanation: "Give advice" is acceptable, but "offer advice" is a more precise and formal phrase commonly used in academic contexts.
"Therefore" -> "Consequently"
Explanation: "Therefore" is slightly informal. "Consequently" is a more formal alternative that enhances the academic tone.
"Another significant reason is that" -> "Another significant factor is"
Explanation: "Reason" might not be the most appropriate term here. "Factor" is a more suitable alternative to convey the idea of another important aspect contributing to the phenomenon.
"mental health" -> "psychological well-being"
Explanation: "Mental health" is perfectly acceptable, but "psychological well-being" is a slightly more formal and specific term often preferred in academic writing.
"brain diseases" -> "mental illnesses"
Explanation: While "brain diseases" is not incorrect, "mental illnesses" is a more common and precise term in the context of discussing psychological health issues.
"negative" -> "drawbacks"
Explanation: "Negative" is a bit vague. "Drawbacks" is a more precise term for discussing disadvantages or downsides in an academic context.
"they can feel a wide gap between the rich and the poor" -> "they may perceive a significant disparity between socioeconomic classes"
Explanation: "Feel a wide gap" is somewhat informal. "Perceive a significant disparity" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of recognizing differences in wealth distribution.
"companies can not keep employees" -> "companies struggle to retain employees"
Explanation: "Can not keep" is slightly informal. "Struggle to retain" is a more formal and precise phrase that conveys the difficulty companies face in retaining their employees.
"be stressed and depressed" -> "experience stress and depression"
Explanation: "Be stressed and depressed" is grammatically correct but slightly informal. "Experience stress and depression" is a more formal and precise way to describe the psychological effects.
"these are 2 various reasons for this trend" -> "there are two main reasons for this trend"
Explanation: "These are 2 various reasons" is awkward and informal. "There are two main reasons" is clearer and more concise in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the reasons behind the growing trend of individuals frequently discussing financial matters and weighs both advantages and disadvantages.
- The introduction outlines the topic and presents the writer’s perspective.
- The body paragraphs delve into reasons supporting the trend (advice-giving, learning about the economy, expanding business network) and drawbacks (stress, mental health issues, employee retention problems).
- The conclusion reaffirms the main points and restates the writer’s position.
- How to improve: While the essay addresses all parts of the question, enhancing clarity and coherence could strengthen the response further. Providing more specific examples or evidence to support the points made would add depth to the analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, asserting that the trend of discussing financial matters has both advantages and disadvantages.
- The writer’s position is clearly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion.
- Each body paragraph discusses reasons supporting the trend and its drawbacks, demonstrating a consistent stance.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to and supports the writer’s position. Additionally, refining the thesis statement to explicitly state the essay’s perspective could provide greater clarity for the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately but lacks in-depth development and support.
- Ideas are introduced, such as giving advice, learning about the economy, and mental health impacts, but they are not extensively elaborated upon.
- Limited examples or evidence are provided to bolster arguments, leading to somewhat superficial analysis.
- How to improve: To improve, aim to extend and support ideas with specific examples, data, or anecdotes. Providing real-life scenarios or studies could enhance the depth of analysis and strengthen arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the reasons for the trend of discussing financial matters and its implications.
- However, some instances of minor deviation occur, such as briefly mentioning the job market without elaborating on its relevance to the main argument.
- The focus on mental health impacts and employee retention, while related, could be more directly linked to the central theme of discussing financial matters.
- How to improve: Ensure each point directly contributes to the discussion of why individuals discuss financial matters and whether it is advantageous or detrimental. Avoid tangential topics that do not directly support the main argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, strengthening the development of ideas and providing more specific examples would elevate the analysis. Additionally, maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout the essay would enhance its overall cohesion and effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It follows a typical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons for and against the trend of discussing financial matters, and a conclusion. Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence and supporting points. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, focus on creating stronger transitions between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph directly supports the main argument of the essay and avoid repetition or unnecessary information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic, such as reasons for discussing financial matters and the potential drawbacks. However, some paragraphs could be more focused and cohesive. For instance, the second paragraph discusses reasons for the trend but includes unrelated points about the job market and business networking.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph coherence by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central idea and supporting details that directly relate to that idea. Consider restructuring paragraphs to eliminate tangential information and maintain focus on the main argument. Additionally, vary sentence structure within paragraphs to enhance readability and engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, such as transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, there is limited variety, and some transitions feel abrupt or forced. Additionally, there is room for improvement in the use of pronouns and referencing to maintain coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to create smoother transitions and improve overall coherence. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases to connect ideas more naturally. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun usage and ensure clarity in referencing to avoid confusion for the reader. Practice using cohesive devices effectively to maintain coherence at both the sentence and paragraph levels.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is evidence of attempts to vary word choice, such as using synonyms like "irrefutable" for "undeniable" and "compelling" for "strong" to avoid repetition. However, some phrases lack precision and could be further diversified to enhance lexical resource. For instance, instead of "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," alternative transitional phrases could be employed to enrich the vocabulary range.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary relevant to financial discussions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "financial matters," explore alternatives like "economic affairs," "monetary concerns," or "fiscal issues." Additionally, strive to employ idiomatic expressions and collocations where appropriate to enrich the language further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances where terms could be used more accurately. For example, the phrase "it will improve their mental health" seems to convey the opposite of the intended meaning. Similarly, "discussing financial matters is negative to people’s health" could be refined for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: Aim for greater clarity and precision in word choice by ensuring that each term is used in the appropriate context. Consider consulting a thesaurus or conducting targeted vocabulary research to find more precise synonyms or related terms that convey your intended meaning accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy overall. However, there are several instances of misspelled words, such as "consevations" instead of "conversations," "widely" instead of "wide," and "disadvantages" instead of "detrimental." These errors, while not pervasive, detract slightly from the overall impression of language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading carefully, using spell-check tools, and actively practicing spelling through writing exercises. Additionally, familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words and pay attention to specific patterns or rules in English spelling to minimize errors effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary usage and spelling, there is room for improvement to achieve a higher band score. By actively seeking opportunities to expand vocabulary, refine precision, and enhance spelling accuracy, the writer can elevate the lexical resource of their essays and strive for a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating simple, compound, and complex sentences. Examples include simple sentences like "It is irrefutable that communication plays an important role in our life," compound sentences such as "One of the key reasons is that they want to give advice to others, therefore they can compare expenditures of their lives with others," and complex sentences like "Furthermore, they can expand their business network and find a well-paid job therefore they can improve their quality of life and do not need to face financial difficulties."
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures with subordinate clauses and phrases. This could involve using techniques such as appositives, participial phrases, and relative clauses to provide additional detail and complexity to your ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("Firstly, it will improve their mental health, they are likely to be stressed and depressed") and punctuation errors such as missing commas in compound sentences ("Furthermore, they can expand their business network and find a well paid job therefore they can improve their quality of life and do not need to face financial difficulties.").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage in compound sentences and the appropriate use of punctuation marks such as commas and periods. Proofreading your writing carefully before submission can help identify and correct these errors effectively. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to further enhance accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indisputable that communication plays a pivotal role in our lives. Recently, an increasing number of individuals are preoccupied with financial matters, such as their earnings or expenditures, in their everyday conversations. There are various reasons behind this phenomenon, and I believe it can bring both advantages and disadvantages to individuals and companies alike.

On one hand, there are convincing reasons behind the increasing prevalence of individuals engaging in frequent discussions about financial matters. Firstly, many people engage in these conversations to offer advice to others, allowing them to compare expenditures and learn from each other on how to spend money wisely. Consequently, they can broaden their perspectives on the job market and enhance their business networks, potentially leading to better-paying job opportunities and improved quality of life.

On the other hand, this trend can have negative consequences. Firstly, it can impact individuals’ psychological well-being, as they may perceive a significant disparity between socioeconomic classes when hearing about others’ extravagant purchases. This can lead to feelings of stress and depression, as evidenced by the increasing rates of mental illnesses reported in economically developed countries like Japan, China, and England. Additionally, companies may struggle to retain employees due to the pressure to offer competitive salaries and benefits. This can result in increased turnover rates and financial instability for these companies.

In conclusion, there are two main reasons for this trend: individuals seeking to offer advice and improve their job prospects, and the negative impact on people’s mental health and companies’ ability to retain employees. While discussing financial matters can have its benefits, it’s important to be mindful of its potential drawbacks and strive for a balanced approach to financial communication.