In recent times and in many countries, schools that achieve good exam results in maths, literacy, and science are being considered ‘good schools’ while schools that do well in other subjects like art or music are not receiving high ratings. This is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In recent times and in many countries, schools that achieve good exam results in maths, literacy, and science are being considered 'good schools' while schools that do well in other subjects like art or music are not receiving high ratings. This is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Currently, It is often argued that schools in many countries are evaluated as “good schools” when they gain many high achievements in principal subjects while those which succeed in art subjects are not receiving high ratings. In my point of view, I totally disagree with this statement because this can hinder students’ pursuit in art or music, and in this essay, i will explain it furthermore.
Firstly, students can be inhibited their potential on art subjects. There are several reasons that cause this issue. One of primary culprits is that art subjects are steadily eliminated and replaced by an amount of math, literacy and science lessons. This is because schools would like to earn a number of high scores in main subjects, therefore, the more primary subjects have, the more knowledge students digest, that will support them gain more high results in these ones. As a result, art subjects are likely to be not taught in education process and students can not express their artistic talent and are not motivated to fulfill their achievements.
In addition, obtaining more high exam results in math, science, or literacy can create a extreme competitive environment in schools because of the policies of schools. They introduce a regulation that students who perform excellently in core subjects can be awarded with a large amount of money, scholarships. Not only that, they are also admired by people, especially peer students in social that help them acquire the reputations. For this reason, there are more and more students that compete each other to stand on that position. Consequently, this can lead to a sedentary lifestyle, negatively affecting on students’ physical health including headache, lack of sleeping,… and contribute to serious psychological problem due to investing prolonged hours in learning.
In conclusion, the pursuit and potentials of art subjects are being hindered to students in recent days because of focusing on procuring high achievements in principal subjects in many schools. The outcome of this phenomenon is that causes the sedentary lifestyle and physical and mental problems. This is the reasons that I totally disagree with this statement.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Currently, It is often argued" -> "It is frequently argued"
   Explanation: Removing the comma after "Currently" corrects the grammatical error, and "frequently" is a more precise and formal adverb than "often" in academic writing.

2. "are evaluated as “good schools”" -> "are regarded as "good schools""
   Explanation: "Regarded" is more formal and precise than "evaluated" in this context, aligning better with academic language.

3. "gain many high achievements" -> "achieve numerous high scores"
   Explanation: "Achieve numerous high scores" is more specific and academically appropriate than "gain many high achievements," which is vague and informal.

4. "In my point of view" -> "In my view"
   Explanation: "In my view" is a more concise and formal expression than "In my point of view."

5. "i will explain it furthermore" -> "I will elaborate further"
   Explanation: "I will elaborate further" is more formal and academically appropriate than "I will explain it furthermore," which is informal and redundant.

6. "students can be inhibited their potential" -> "students may be inhibited from realizing their potential"
   Explanation: "May be inhibited from realizing their potential" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.

7. "One of primary culprits" -> "One primary culprit"
   Explanation: "One primary culprit" is grammatically correct and more direct, avoiding the awkward construction of "One of primary culprits."

8. "an amount of math, literacy and science lessons" -> "a significant number of math, literacy, and science lessons"
   Explanation: "A significant number of" is more precise and formal than "an amount of," which is vague and informal.

9. "would like to earn a number of high scores" -> "seek to achieve high scores"
   Explanation: "Seek to achieve high scores" is more direct and formal than "would like to earn a number of high scores," which is verbose and informal.

10. "that will support them gain more high results" -> "which will enable them to achieve higher results"
    Explanation: "Which will enable them to achieve higher results" is grammatically correct and more formal than "that will support them gain more high results."

11. "extreme competitive environment" -> "extremely competitive environment"
    Explanation: "Extremely" is the correct adverbial form to modify "competitive," correcting the grammatical error.

12. "a large amount of money, scholarships" -> "substantial financial rewards and scholarships"
    Explanation: "Substantial financial rewards and scholarships" is more specific and formal than "a large amount of money, scholarships."

13. "admired by people, especially peer students in social" -> "admired by peers and the general public"
    Explanation: "Peers and the general public" is more specific and formal than "people, especially peer students in social," which is awkward and unclear.

14. "lack of sleeping" -> "lack of sleep"
    Explanation: "Lack of sleep" is the correct phrase, whereas "lack of sleeping" is grammatically incorrect.

15. "serious psychological problem" -> "serious psychological issues"
    Explanation: "Issues" is a more appropriate and formal term than "problem" in this context, suggesting a broader range of psychological concerns.

16. "This is the reasons" -> "This is the reason"
    Explanation: "This is the reason" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the singular form to match the singular subject "This."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by arguing against the idea that schools focusing on core subjects like math, literacy, and science to the exclusion of art and music is a negative development. It acknowledges the potential hindrance to students’ pursuit of art but does not delve deeply into whether this is a negative development or the extent of disagreement.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly dissect and fully address all parts of the prompt. This involves not only presenting a clear opinion but also discussing the reasons behind that opinion and evaluating the implications comprehensively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance against the idea that schools should prioritize core subjects over arts. The position is stated clearly in the introduction and maintained throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: Maintain clarity by reinforcing the position with stronger supporting arguments and ensuring each paragraph directly relates to this stance without veering into tangential topics.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and coherence. Examples and reasoning are limited, and some points are asserted without sufficient explanation or evidence.
  • How to improve: Extend and support ideas with specific examples, data, or anecdotes. Develop each argument fully to strengthen the persuasive impact and ensure clarity of thought.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay predominantly focuses on the impact of prioritizing core subjects over arts, it occasionally strays into discussing competitive environments and their effects on students’ health.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, maintain a sharp focus on the prompt’s central theme throughout the essay. Avoid discussing unrelated issues such as health impacts unless directly tied to the core argument.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear stance and attempts to address the prompt, it could significantly benefit from deeper analysis, stronger examples, and better organization to more effectively convey its argument and meet the criteria for a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably logical organization with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the argument against the prompt statement, followed by two body paragraphs that explore different aspects of the issue. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point: the hindrance to art subjects and the competitive environment created by prioritizing core subjects. The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each body paragraph maintains a clear focus on one main idea related to the prompt. Consider using transition phrases more consistently to guide the reader through the essay, reinforcing the logical progression of ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph coherence. For instance, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer development of the argument about competitive environments.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph develops its main idea thoroughly. Use topic sentences to introduce each new argument or aspect of the discussion. In the second paragraph, expand on how competitive environments specifically relate to the detriment of art subjects, providing concrete examples or evidence to support this argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices such as linking words ("firstly", "in addition", "consequently") and pronouns ("this", "that") to connect ideas within and between sentences. These devices help maintain some coherence, although more sophisticated use would enhance clarity and cohesion.
  • How to improve: Aim to diversify cohesive devices beyond basic transitions. Introduce more advanced connectors like "however", "moreover", or "nevertheless" to show nuanced relationships between ideas. Additionally, consider using referencing more explicitly to tie back to earlier points or anticipate upcoming arguments.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, further development in these areas through more nuanced organization, enhanced paragraph coherence, and diversification of cohesive devices would strengthen its overall effectiveness and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. It includes terms like "inhibited," "culprits," "sedentary lifestyle," and "reputations." However, there is a tendency towards simpler language and repetitive use of common words such as "students," "subjects," and "high results," which limits the variety and richness of expression.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim to incorporate more precise and diverse vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "students," consider synonyms like "learners," "pupils," or "scholars." Introduce specialized terms related to education policies or psychological effects to add depth and clarity to your arguments. In your essay, for instance, instead of "the more primary subjects have, the more knowledge students digest," you could say "the broader the curriculum, the more comprehensive students’ learning becomes."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: Vocabulary is generally used adequately, but there are instances where more precise word choices could improve clarity and impact. For example, phrases like "a large amount of money" could be replaced with "substantial financial incentives" for greater precision.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that precisely conveys your intended meaning. Review your essay to identify areas where replacing general terms with more specific ones would strengthen your arguments. For instance, instead of "extreme competitive environment," consider "intensely competitive atmosphere" to better capture the intensity of competition in schools.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally acceptable, with only minor errors such as "procuring" instead of "pursuing" and occasional misspellings like "extreme" instead of "extremely."
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully before submission. Pay attention to commonly misspelled words and use spell-check tools to catch errors that may have been overlooked.

Overall, while your essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary appropriate for the task, improving lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy will further strengthen your expression and clarity. Keep practicing by reading and writing regularly, focusing on expanding your vocabulary and refining your spelling skills to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It includes simple and compound sentences predominantly, with occasional complex structures. For instance, "There are several reasons that cause this issue" (complex sentence) contrasts with simpler constructions like "This is because schools would like to earn a number of high scores in main subjects."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, incorporate more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If schools prioritize art subjects, students could benefit greatly…"), passive constructions ("Art subjects are often marginalized in favor of…"), and advanced connectors (e.g., "Moreover," "Nevertheless," "Consequently,") to improve coherence and cohesion.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are noticeable errors, such as subject-verb agreement ("art subjects are steadily eliminated"), punctuation issues (lack of commas in complex sentences), and incorrect word choices ("sedentary lifestyle" instead of "sedentary lifestyle contributes to").
  • How to improve: Focus on consistent subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Use commas effectively in complex sentences to improve clarity and readability. Review word choices for accuracy and appropriateness in academic writing contexts.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical accuracy and a reasonable range of sentence structures, improvements in both areas could elevate the score to an 8. Incorporating more varied sentence structures and ensuring precise grammatical accuracy will enhance coherence and depth of expression in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, it is frequently argued that schools in many countries are regarded as “good schools” when they achieve numerous high scores in core subjects like math, literacy, and science, while those that excel in art or music are not receiving high ratings. In my view, I completely disagree with this opinion because it may inhibit students from realizing their potential in art or music. I will elaborate further on this point.

Firstly, one primary culprit is the significant emphasis on math, literacy, and science lessons at the expense of art subjects. Schools prioritize these core subjects to achieve high scores, which will enable them to achieve higher results in educational rankings. Consequently, art subjects are often neglected, depriving students of the opportunity to express their artistic talents and reducing motivation to excel in these areas.

Moreover, the drive to seek high exam scores in math, science, or literacy creates an extremely competitive environment within schools. Institutions implement policies that reward top performers with substantial financial rewards and scholarships. These students are admired by their peers and the general public, further fueling competition among students. As a result, many students experience a lack of sleep and serious psychological issues due to prolonged stress and study hours.

In conclusion, the prioritization of high achievements in core subjects in many schools is hindering the pursuit and potential of art subjects among students. This trend not only diminishes opportunities for artistic expression but also contributes to detrimental effects on students’ physical and mental well-being. Therefore, I firmly disagree with the notion that schools should be evaluated primarily on their performance in math, literacy, and science, neglecting the importance of art and music education.