In recent years, the family structure has changed as well as family roles. What are the changes that have occurred? Do you think these are positive or negative?

In recent decades, significant transformations have taken place in the organizational structure of families and the roles played by each member. In my perspective, the advantages of these changes outweigh the drawbacks of harmony.
The most prominent change in family structure is that the average size of a family has become smaller than ever before. In other words, more and more families are deciding not to live with their grandparents or other relatives, as the number of atomic family is increasing in Japan. Moreover, with the rise of feminism since the 18th century, women are encouraged to be educated and give contributions through working and achievement in the aspects of business, society, and even politics. Therefore, the stereotype of males going to work and females being responsible for household management has been reversed which leads to the responsibility of women not being restricted to changing nappies anymore. As a result, the housekeeper and child-rearing role may fall on the hired babysitter, rather than the parents.
Furthermore, I strongly believe that this transformation of families is beneficial for most people. Firstly, if people can become more independent from their families, they would be more sociable. Because citizens usually spend much time in schools or offices where their families cannot support them, a good relationship with colleagues or friends would bring a lot of benefits on people while the role of family shrinks. Secondly, since we are trying to enjoy our life rather than serving a big family, I find more people being satisfied with this new lifestyle. To illustrate this, as females are less tied to household chores, they can develop their careers and experience achievements as much as males do. Consequently, it will lead to the development of a society and a nation because all individuals try harder and harder for success.
To sum up, it can be seen that there are huge differences in the family structure relating to the organization and the roles of the family members. I strongly believe that such changes not only bring no harm to family members but also help them feel a greater sense of appreciation for the family values.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "In my perspective" is colloquial. "From my perspective" is more formal and aligns better with academic writing standards.
"outweigh the drawbacks of harmony" -> "outweigh the disadvantages"
Explanation: "Drawbacks of harmony" is an unusual phrase. "Disadvantages" is a clearer and more standard term.
"the number of atomic family is increasing" -> "the prevalence of nuclear families is increasing"
Explanation: "Atomic family" is less commonly used and might be unclear to some readers. "Nuclear families" is a more precise and standard term in sociology.
"rise of feminism" -> "rise of the feminist movement"
Explanation: "Feminism" refers to both the ideology and the movement. Using "feminist movement" clarifies the context.
"going to work" -> "engaging in paid employment"
Explanation: "Going to work" is informal. "Engaging in paid employment" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"responsibility of women not being restricted to changing nappies anymore" -> "responsibilities of women extending beyond childcare"
Explanation: "Not being restricted to changing nappies anymore" is informal and colloquial. "Responsibilities of women extending beyond childcare" is clearer and more formal.
"Furthermore, I strongly believe that" -> "Furthermore, I firmly believe that"
Explanation: "Strongly believe" is somewhat informal. "Firmly believe" maintains emphasis while being more formal.
"if people can become more independent from their families" -> "if individuals can achieve greater independence from their families"
Explanation: "People" is vague and informal. "Individuals" is more formal and precise.
"they would be more sociable" -> "they would develop stronger social skills"
Explanation: "More sociable" is somewhat informal. "Develop stronger social skills" is a more precise and formal alternative.
"citizens usually spend much time in schools or offices where their families cannot support them" -> "individuals typically spend significant time in environments such as schools or offices, where familial support is unavailable"
Explanation: The original sentence is wordy and somewhat awkward. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal.
"because all individuals try harder and harder for success" -> "as individuals strive increasingly for success"
Explanation: "Try harder and harder" is repetitive and informal. "Strive increasingly" is more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt by discussing the changes in family structure and roles and expressing a clear opinion on whether these changes are positive or negative. It acknowledges the shift towards smaller family sizes, changes in gender roles, and the impact on familial responsibilities.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately covers the prompt, providing more specific examples or statistics could enhance the depth of analysis, offering a richer understanding of the societal shifts discussed.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting that the benefits of the changes in family structure outweigh any drawbacks. This position is evident from the thesis statement through to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, reinforcing the thesis statement within each body paragraph and connecting examples back to the overall stance could enhance coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and supports them with relevant examples, such as the rise of feminism impacting traditional gender roles and the societal benefits of increased independence from family structures.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, considering counterarguments or addressing potential limitations to the presented benefits could add depth to the analysis, demonstrating a nuanced understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the prompt throughout, discussing changes in family structure and roles without significant deviations.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains focus, ensuring that all examples and explanations directly relate to the discussion of family structure and its implications could further strengthen relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively analyzing changes in family dynamics and providing a coherent argument for the positive aspects of these transformations. To enhance the response, incorporating more specific examples, reinforcing the thesis throughout, extending ideas with deeper analysis, and ensuring all content remains directly relevant to the topic would contribute to a more comprehensive and nuanced discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s perspective. Each body paragraph addresses a specific change in family structure or roles, supported by examples and arguments. The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the flow of the essay could be improved by more seamlessly connecting sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or words to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence clearly introduces the main point, and supporting sentences provide cohesive support for that point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to structure the discussion. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the prompt, such as changes in family structure or the benefits of these changes. However, some paragraphs could be more tightly focused, and the transitions between paragraphs could be more explicit to maintain coherence.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea or argument, supported by relevant examples or evidence. Use topic sentences to signal the main point of each paragraph, and provide clear transitions between paragraphs to maintain a smooth flow of ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases ("Furthermore," "To sum up"), pronouns ("this transformation," "such changes"), and repetition ("more and more," "Firstly, Secondly"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by connecting ideas and signaling relationships between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, diversifying the range of devices used can further enhance coherence. Consider incorporating conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore") and parallel structures to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they are used consistently throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary, particularly evident in the discussion of family dynamics and societal shifts. For instance, terms like "organizational structure," "atomic family," "feminism," and "sociable" contribute to a nuanced understanding of the topic. Furthermore, phrases such as "household management" and "development of a society" showcase a breadth of vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical richness, consider incorporating more specialized vocabulary related to sociological concepts or specific aspects of family dynamics. Additionally, strive for more sophisticated synonyms or expressions to avoid repetition and elevate the overall quality of language use.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, accurately conveying the intended meaning. However, there are instances where clarity could be improved. For example, the phrase "advantages outweigh the drawbacks of harmony" is slightly ambiguous and may benefit from clarification to ensure coherence of ideas. Conversely, expressions like "development of a society" and "satisfied with this new lifestyle" effectively convey the intended messages with clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully consider the context in which vocabulary is used and ensure alignment with the intended message. Avoid ambiguous or convoluted expressions that may obscure the meaning of key points. Instead, opt for concise and unequivocal language to strengthen the clarity and coherence of arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors detracting from readability. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "appreciation" (apprecation) and "sociable" (sociatable), which slightly diminish the overall quality of writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading, utilizing spell-check tools, and actively expanding your vocabulary to familiarize yourself with correct spellings. Additionally, pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and practice their correct usage to mitigate errors in future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences with subordinate clauses ("The most prominent change in family structure is that…"), compound-complex sentences ("Moreover, with the rise of feminism since the 18th century, women are encouraged…"), and simple declarative sentences ("Furthermore, I strongly believe that this transformation of families is beneficial for most people."). The use of varied structures enhances the readability and engagement of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s structure, consider incorporating rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion for added impact. Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can maintain reader interest and ensure clarity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with coherent sentence structures and appropriate punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement could be improved, such as "because all individuals try harder and harder for success," where "try" should be conjugated to match the plural subject "individuals." Additionally, some sentence fragments could be revised for clarity, such as "The most prominent change in family structure is that the average size of a family has become smaller than ever before. In other words, more and more families are deciding not to live with their grandparents or other relatives, as the number of atomic family is increasing in Japan." This section could benefit from smoother transitions or the consolidation of ideas into complete sentences.
- How to improve: Strengthen grammatical accuracy by carefully reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that all sentences are complete and coherent. Consider revising fragmented phrases into complete sentences or integrating them more seamlessly into existing sentences for improved flow and clarity. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and conjunctions, to enhance readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, significant transformations have occurred in family organizational structure and the roles of each member. From my perspective, the benefits of these changes outweigh any drawbacks in harmony.

One prominent change in family structure is the decrease in average family size. More families now choose not to live with extended relatives, leading to an increase in nuclear families. Additionally, with the advancement of feminism since the 18th century, women are encouraged to pursue education and contribute in various fields such as business, society, and politics. Consequently, traditional gender roles have shifted, with women no longer solely responsible for household duties like changing diapers. Instead, tasks such as housekeeping and childcare may be outsourced to hired caregivers rather than handled solely by parents.

Furthermore, I firmly believe that these changes in family dynamics benefit most individuals. Firstly, increased independence from family ties fosters greater sociability. As people spend significant time in environments like schools and workplaces where familial support is absent, strong relationships with colleagues and friends become paramount. Secondly, as individuals prioritize personal fulfillment over familial obligations, satisfaction with this new lifestyle grows. For example, with fewer domestic responsibilities, women can focus on career advancement, contributing equally to societal progress alongside men.

In conclusion, significant differences in family structure and member roles are evident. From my perspective, these changes not only pose no harm to family members but also cultivate a deeper appreciation for family values while fostering individual growth and societal development.