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In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What has caused this? What solution can you suggest?

In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What has caused this? What solution can you suggest?

Drug addiction has undeniably reached epidemic proportions, adversely affecting individuals, families, and communities worldwide. As society grapples with this complex issue, there is a growing debate about whether sentencing drug users to prison is an effective strategy for reducing drug addiction rates. While this approach may seem like a quick fix, I disagree with this opinion.
First and foremost, drug addiction is a multifaceted issue that cannot be solved through punitive measures alone. Imprisoning individuals caught using drugs does not address the root causes of addiction, such as mental health issues, trauma, or socioeconomic factors. Instead, it perpetuates a cycle of punishment without providing the necessary support and resources for individuals to overcome their addiction. By focusing solely on punishment, we fail to recognize addiction as a disease that requires comprehensive treatment and rehabilitation.

Moreover, the approach of automatically sentencing drug users to prison disregards the potential for rehabilitation and reintegration into society. Imprisonment often stigmatizes individuals and hinders their chances of leading a productive and drug-free life upon release. By focusing on punishment rather than rehabilitation, we are denying individuals the opportunity to address the underlying issues that led to their addiction and make positive changes in their lives.

In conclusion, drug addiction is a complex problem that requires a multifaceted approach. Automatically sentencing individuals caught using drugs to prison is not an appropriate method as it fails to address the underlying causes of addiction and may even exacerbate the problem.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "undeniably reached epidemic proportions" -> "undeniably reached alarming proportions"
    Explanation: Replacing "epidemic" with "alarming" maintains the seriousness of the situation while using a more precise and formal term, aligning better with academic tone.

  2. "adversely affecting" -> "negatively impacting"
    Explanation: Substituting "adversely affecting" with "negatively impacting" retains the negative connotation in a more formal and concise manner.

  3. "there is a growing debate about" -> "there is an ongoing debate regarding"
    Explanation: The replacement of "about" with "regarding" and the use of "ongoing" contribute to a more formal and academic expression of the ongoing debate.

  4. "quick fix" -> "immediate solution"
    Explanation: Replacing "quick fix" with "immediate solution" conveys the idea of a rapid remedy in a more formal and precise manner.

  5. "First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
    Explanation: Substituting "First and foremost" with "Primarily" maintains the introductory function while using a more formal transition phrase.

  6. "caught using drugs" -> "apprehended for drug use"
    Explanation: The phrase "apprehended for drug use" is a more formal alternative, emphasizing the legal aspect of the situation.

  7. "does not address the root causes" -> "fails to address the underlying causes"
    Explanation: The replacement of "does not" with "fails to" adds a nuanced emphasis, aligning better with academic formality.

  8. "such as mental health issues, trauma, or socioeconomic factors" -> "including mental health issues, trauma, or socioeconomic factors"
    Explanation: The use of "including" enhances clarity and formality by specifying that the mentioned factors are not exhaustive but representative of potential root causes.

  9. "Instead, it perpetuates a cycle of punishment" -> "Instead, it perpetuates a cycle of punitive measures"
    Explanation: The substitution of "punishment" with "punitive measures" introduces a more formal and specific term, emphasizing the severity of the approach.

  10. "By focusing solely on punishment" -> "By solely emphasizing punishment"
    Explanation: The alteration adds precision and formality to the statement while maintaining the original meaning.

  11. "opportunity to address the underlying issues" -> "opportunity to tackle the underlying issues"
    Explanation: Replacing "address" with "tackle" adds a subtle layer of action-oriented language, suitable for academic discourse.

  12. "In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
    Explanation: The transition "To conclude" is a more formal alternative, commonly used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the causes of the rise in crimes committed by young people in cities and proposing a solution. The causes are explored in terms of the ineffectiveness of sentencing drug users to prison, and a solution is suggested by emphasizing the need for a more comprehensive approach to drug addiction.
    • How to improve: While the essay does address both parts of the question, it lacks depth in discussing specific causes of the rise in crimes by young people. Encourage the writer to provide more detailed examples or delve into specific factors contributing to the issue.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance against the automatic sentencing of drug users to prison. The position is evident from the thesis statement through the supporting arguments and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, suggest explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and consistently reinforcing it throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents the idea that sentencing drug users to prison is an inadequate solution and supports this with arguments emphasizing the multifaceted nature of drug addiction and the need for rehabilitation. However, the essay lacks specific examples or evidence to bolster its claims.
    • How to improve: Advise the writer to include real-world examples, statistics, or studies to provide concrete evidence supporting the arguments and strengthening the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s core elements. However, there is a slight deviation when the essay mentions "punishment" in a broader sense without directly tying it back to the sentencing of drug users to prison.
    • How to improve: Recommend ensuring that every point made directly relates to the central theme of the essay. Encourage the writer to clarify connections between points and consistently link arguments back to the topic of sentencing drug users to prison.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a sound understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective. To enhance the essay, the writer should focus on providing more detailed examples, explicitly stating their position in the introduction, incorporating concrete evidence, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction introduces the topic of drug addiction, sets up the debate on sentencing drug users to prison, and presents the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs elaborate on the drawbacks of this approach, discussing the multifaceted nature of drug addiction, the need for comprehensive treatment, and the potential for rehabilitation. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points.
    • How to improve: While the overall logical organization is sound, consider refining the transition between the second and third paragraphs. A more explicit transition sentence can help guide the reader from discussing the root causes of addiction to the potential for rehabilitation.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction presents the topic and the writer’s stance. The subsequent paragraphs delve into the drawbacks of sentencing drug users to prison, addressing root causes, lack of rehabilitation, and the stigma associated with imprisonment. The conclusion provides a concise summary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s overall coherence, consider incorporating more varied sentence structures within paragraphs. This can add dynamism to the prose and contribute to a more engaging reading experience.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "First and foremost," and "Moreover," contribute to the overall flow and coherence. Pronouns and parallel structure are also employed effectively.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used, introducing a wider variety can further enhance coherence. Experiment with a diverse range of transition words and phrases to ensure a smooth and seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to maintaining consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. The logical organization, effective use of paragraphs, and the incorporation of cohesive devices contribute to a well-structured and easy-to-follow argument. To elevate the essay further, consider refining transitions between specific paragraphs and experimenting with a more diverse range of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. There is effective use of words and phrases related to the topic of drug addiction and its treatment. For instance, the essay employs terms like "multifaceted issue," "root causes of addiction," "comprehensive treatment," and "rehabilitation."

    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, consider incorporating more diverse and nuanced vocabulary. Explore synonyms and alternative expressions to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using the term "drug addiction," try employing varied phrases such as "substance abuse" or "chemical dependency" when appropriate. This can contribute to a more sophisticated and varied lexical repertoire.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. There is a clear attempt to convey ideas accurately, and key terms related to the essay prompt are employed correctly. For example, the distinction between punishment and rehabilitation is effectively articulated.

    • How to improve: While the precision of vocabulary is generally good, consider refining the use of certain terms to add depth to the analysis. For instance, when discussing the impact of imprisonment on individuals, elaborate on the specific challenges they might face upon reintegration. Provide more nuanced descriptions of the consequences of punitive measures to strengthen the precision of your language.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. There are no glaring spelling errors that significantly impede comprehension.

    • How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, continue to proofread your work carefully. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to catch any subtle errors that might be overlooked. Additionally, pay attention to common word pairs or homophones (e.g., their/there, affect/effect) to ensure consistent and accurate usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for improvement in terms of diversifying vocabulary and refining the precision of certain terms to elevate the lexical resource score. Additionally, maintaining vigilance in proofreading will contribute to sustained spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable range of sentence structures. It includes complex sentences, such as "Imprisoning individuals caught using drugs does not address the root causes of addiction," as well as compound sentences like "By focusing solely on punishment, we fail to recognize addiction as a disease that requires comprehensive treatment and rehabilitation." However, there is room for improvement in the use of more intricate structures, such as conditional sentences or rhetorical devices, to add variety and sophistication to the writing.

    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations or using rhetorical devices like parallelism for emphasis. For instance, you could introduce a conditional sentence to discuss potential outcomes if the approach is not changed. Additionally, experimenting with more complex sentence structures, such as using relative clauses, can contribute to a higher band score.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where articles or prepositions could be used more precisely. For example, in the sentence "Imprisonment often stigmatizes individuals," the definite article "the" before "imprisonment" could be omitted. Additionally, in "By focusing on punishment rather than rehabilitation," the use of "on" after "focusing" is grammatically correct but could be refined for smoother flow.

    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to the use of articles and prepositions. Proofread the essay with a focus on eliminating unnecessary articles or adjusting prepositions for greater precision. In this context, revising the mentioned instances would involve omitting the article before "imprisonment" and considering alternative prepositions after "focusing" for more fluid expression.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a commendable range of structures, refining certain aspects of sentence variety and accuracy could contribute to achieving an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Drug addiction has undeniably reached alarming proportions, negatively impacting individuals, families, and communities worldwide. As society grapples with this complex issue, there is an ongoing debate regarding whether sentencing drug users to prison is an effective strategy for reducing drug addiction rates. While this approach may seem like an immediate solution, I disagree with this opinion.

Primarily, drug addiction is a multifaceted issue that cannot be solved through punitive measures alone. Apprehending individuals for drug use does not address the root causes of addiction, including mental health issues, trauma, or socioeconomic factors. Instead, it perpetuates a cycle of punitive measures without providing the necessary opportunity to tackle the underlying issues and offer support for individuals to overcome their addiction. By solely emphasizing punishment, we fail to recognize addiction as a disease that requires comprehensive treatment and rehabilitation.

Moreover, the approach of automatically sentencing drug users to prison disregards the potential for rehabilitation and reintegration into society. Imprisonment often stigmatizes individuals and hinders their chances of leading a productive and drug-free life upon release. By focusing on punishment rather than rehabilitation, we deny individuals the opportunity to address the underlying issues that led to their addiction and make positive changes in their lives.

To conclude, drug addiction is a complex problem that requires a multifaceted approach. Automatically sentencing individuals caught using drugs to prison is not an appropriate method, as it fails to address the underlying causes of addiction and may even exacerbate the problem.

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