In some countries it is traditional for men to work and women to stay at home to look after the family. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

In some countries it is traditional for men to work and women to stay at home to look after the family. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.

I disagree about that. Because i think that is disavantage for women .
When they stay at home , they don't have chance to develop themself and earn money. Day by day , women's lives are arounded by houseworks such as : cooking , wash dishes, clean the house , laundry,…. and take care of their children. That 's why they don't have the respect of their husbands. And when men is a breadwinner, the pressure of them is bigger, so we don't have understanding for each other. It is appear many conflicts.

In the past, it is traditional for men to work and women to stay at home to look after the family. But now , that have been balanced. Both of them are become breadwinner and housekeeping , everythings will be balanced.Women will be able to pursue their dreams, while men can care more about children and family.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "i" -> "I"
   Explanation: In formal writing, the pronoun "I" should always be capitalized to adhere to grammatical conventions and maintain a professional tone.

2. "disavantage" -> "disadvantage"
   Explanation: "Disadvantage" is the correct spelling of the word, adhering to standard English usage.

3. "themself" -> "themselves"
   Explanation: "Themselves" is the correct reflexive pronoun in this context, agreeing with the plural subject "women."

4. "arounded" -> "surrounded"
   Explanation: "Surrounded" is a more precise and formal term to describe being encircled by housework.

5. "houseworks" -> "household chores" or "domestic duties"
   Explanation: "Household chores" or "domestic duties" are more formal and precise terms to refer to tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and laundry.

6. "wash dishes" -> "do the dishes" or "wash the dishes"
   Explanation: "Do the dishes" or "wash the dishes" are more standard and formal expressions for cleaning dishes.

7. "that ‘s" -> "that’s"
   Explanation: "That’s" should be written without a space between "that" and the apostrophe for correct punctuation.

8. "breadwinner" -> "provider"
   Explanation: "Provider" is a more formal term for someone who earns money to support their family.

9. "understanding" -> "mutual understanding"
   Explanation: Adding "mutual" clarifies that the understanding should be reciprocal between both partners.

10. "is appear" -> "results in" or "leads to"
    Explanation: "Results in" or "leads to" are more precise and formal alternatives to "is appear" in this context.

11. "everythings" -> "everything"
    Explanation: "Everything" should be in the singular form to match the preceding determiner "everything."

12. "will be able to" -> "can"
    Explanation: "Can" is a simpler and more direct alternative to "will be able to," maintaining clarity and conciseness in the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay briefly acknowledges the traditional division of labor between men and women but fails to delve into the advantages and disadvantages as requested by the prompt. There is mention of the disadvantages for women but no exploration of potential benefits or drawbacks for men or families as a whole.
  • How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure to thoroughly address all components of the prompt. In this case, discuss both advantages and disadvantages for both men and women in traditional gender roles.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance against the traditional gender role division, advocating for a more balanced approach where both men and women share household and breadwinning responsibilities.
  • How to improve: While the position is clear, maintaining consistency in expression and providing further elaboration or justification for the position could strengthen the clarity of the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents the idea that traditional gender roles are disadvantageous for women, but lacks depth in elaborating on this point. There is minimal extension or support provided for the argument, with only a brief mention of the daily tasks women undertake.
  • How to improve: To improve, elaborate on the presented ideas by providing specific examples or statistics to support the argument. Additionally, consider exploring counterarguments to strengthen the overall analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing traditional gender roles and their implications, albeit with limited depth. However, there is a brief deviation towards the end when discussing the current balance between men and women in roles.
  • How to improve: Ensure all points discussed directly relate to the topic of traditional gender roles and their advantages and disadvantages. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to addressing the prompt.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear stance against traditional gender roles and briefly touches on the disadvantages for women, it lacks depth, thoroughness, and balance in addressing the prompt’s requirements. To improve, focus on providing comprehensive analysis, supporting ideas with evidence, and maintaining relevance to the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear organizational structure, resulting in a disjointed presentation of ideas. The introduction briefly introduces the topic but lacks clarity and coherence. The body paragraph discusses the disadvantages of traditional gender roles without clear development or supporting examples. Additionally, the essay abruptly transitions to discussing a shift in gender roles without adequate segue or development. The conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points or offer a cohesive closure to the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow and structure of the essay, consider adopting a more traditional essay structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Begin with a clear thesis statement that outlines your stance on the topic. Then, develop each supporting point in separate paragraphs, providing relevant examples or evidence to bolster your arguments. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence and facilitate understanding for the reader. Conclude by summarizing your main points and reiterating your stance.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as it consists of only two paragraphs with disparate ideas. The first paragraph attempts to discuss the disadvantages of traditional gender roles but lacks coherent development and structure. The second paragraph introduces a contrasting viewpoint without a clear transition or development of ideas.
  • How to improve: Break down the essay into multiple paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Begin with an introductory paragraph that sets the stage for the discussion and clearly states your position. Then, dedicate separate paragraphs to discussing the advantages and disadvantages of traditional gender roles, providing detailed explanations and examples for each. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression of ideas. Use transitions to smoothly connect paragraphs and guide the reader through your argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks cohesive devices to connect ideas and facilitate coherence. There is a lack of transitional phrases or linking words to guide the reader through the argument and establish logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Consequently, the essay feels disjointed and difficult to follow.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices throughout the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion. Use transition words and phrases such as "however," "on the other hand," "therefore," and "in conclusion" to signal shifts in ideas and clarify relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, utilize pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts and maintain continuity in the discourse. By incorporating cohesive devices strategically, you can improve the flow and readability of your essay, allowing the reader to navigate your argument more smoothly.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at variety. For example, the essay uses words like "disadvantage," "develop," "earn money," "houseworks," "breadwinner," "conflicts," "balanced," "pursue," and "dreams." However, there is a lack of sophistication and precision in the vocabulary choices.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, aim to incorporate more diverse and specific vocabulary related to the topic. For instance, instead of "disadvantage," consider using "detriment" or "drawback." Instead of "develop," consider "advance" or "enhance." Using a thesaurus can be helpful in finding synonyms and expanding your vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary inappropriately or imprecisely. For instance, "that is disavantage for women" should be "that is a disadvantage for women." Also, "women’s lives are arounded by houseworks" could be improved to "women’s lives revolve around housework."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, carefully choose words that accurately convey your intended meaning. Pay attention to articles (a, an, the) and plurals. Proofreading your work can help you catch these errors and refine your vocabulary usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "disavantage," "arounded," "houseworks," and "everythings."
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spelling and grammar checking tools available in word processors. Additionally, reading more in English can help you become more familiar with correct spelling patterns.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures, primarily consisting of simple sentences. There is a lack of complexity in sentence structure, with a repetition of basic subject-verb-object constructions throughout the essay. The absence of varied sentence structures affects the overall flow and sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, consider incorporating complex and compound sentences, utilizing conjunctions to connect ideas, and varying sentence lengths for better rhythm and readability. Introduce clauses, phrases, and transitions to add depth and complexity to your writing. For example, instead of solely relying on simple sentences, try integrating compound sentences like "While women are confined to household chores, men face the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, leading to a lack of mutual understanding and potential conflicts."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that hinder clarity and comprehension. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Day by day, women’s lives are surrounded by houseworks"), incorrect word usage ("that is disadvantage for women"), and punctuation errors (missing commas before conjunctions, such as "And when men are breadwinners, the pressure of them is bigger"). Additionally, capitalization errors ("And when men is a breadwinner") detract from the professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by reviewing basic grammar rules and practicing sentence construction. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper word usage. Proofread your writing carefully to identify and correct punctuation errors, ensuring the appropriate use of commas, periods, and capitalization. Consider utilizing grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers to refine your grammatical skills and enhance the overall accuracy of your writing. For example, in this context, the sentence "And when men are breadwinners, the pressure they face is greater, leading to potential conflicts" would be grammatically correct and clearer in its expression.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the grammatical range and accuracy of your writing, leading to more polished and effective communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

I respectfully disagree with the traditional notion that women should solely stay at home while men work. In my view, this setup presents several disadvantages for women. When confined to domestic roles, they lack opportunities for personal development and financial independence. Their daily routines revolve around household chores such as cooking, dishwashing, cleaning, and childcare, leaving them with little time or energy for self-improvement. Consequently, they may not receive the respect they deserve from their spouses. Moreover, when men shoulder the sole responsibility of being the provider, it often leads to heightened pressure, resulting in a lack of mutual understanding and potential conflicts in the relationship.

Historically, the division of labor where men work and women manage the household was commonplace. However, contemporary society has evolved, recognizing the need for a more equitable distribution of responsibilities. Nowadays, couples are increasingly sharing both breadwinning and domestic duties, leading to a more balanced dynamic. This shift allows women the opportunity to pursue their aspirations while enabling men to become more involved in childcare and family matters.

In conclusion, while traditional gender roles may have once served societal norms, they no longer align with the values of modern life. By embracing a more egalitarian approach where both partners contribute to both earning and caregiving, couples can achieve a harmonious balance in their personal and professional lives.