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In some countries, more young adults continue to live with their parents even after they have completed education and found jobs. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries, more young adults continue to live with their parents even after they have completed education and found jobs. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In the current society, more and more people choose to live with their parents even if they have jobs and academic degrees. Although this has certain benefits, I believe that the drawbacks are greater.
On the one hand, there are still benefits when continuing to live with parents. Firstly, they can save a lot of money and don't have to bear the pressure of money when living with their parents. This is because they don't have to pay for housing or food, just travel expenses. From there they can save money for other goals such as buying a car or a larger house. Another benefit is that it can enhance family bonding. People may be under a lot of pressure at work or study, so when living with their family, they can receive advice or affection from family members. In addition, family members can also easily take care of each other's health.
On the other hand, despite the mentioned benefits, I still hold the view that the drawbacks it brings are more significant . One major problem is that they can easily depend on their family. For example, people who depend heavily on their family for money over the years will cause them to lose personal independence. As a result, they have a little opportunity to develop their personal and professional careers. Another related issue is that young people may lack their freedom and privacy. This is simply because when young people live with their parents, they will have to be controlled by their parents about many things. For example, Vietnamese parents will often control their children about playtime or issues related to work or study.
In conclusion, there are some advantages for young adults to continue living with their family such as saving plenty of money and improving family bonding. However, I believe that the disadvantages of this will bring many harmful effects to young people's personal development.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In the current society" -> "In contemporary society"
    Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and formal term than "current," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.

  2. "more and more people choose" -> "an increasing number of individuals opt"
    Explanation: "An increasing number of individuals opt" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "more and more people choose."

  3. "have jobs and academic degrees" -> "hold employment and possess academic qualifications"
    Explanation: "Hold employment and possess academic qualifications" is more formal and specific, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  4. "certain benefits" -> "certain advantages"
    Explanation: "Advantages" is more specific and academically appropriate than "benefits" in this context, which can be too general.

  5. "don’t have to bear the pressure of money" -> "are not burdened by financial pressures"
    Explanation: "Are not burdened by financial pressures" is more formal and precise, avoiding the contraction "don’t" and the colloquial phrase "bear the pressure of money."

  6. "just travel expenses" -> "only transportation costs"
    Explanation: "Only transportation costs" is more specific and formal than "just travel expenses," which is somewhat informal.

  7. "enhance family bonding" -> "strengthen family ties"
    Explanation: "Strengthen family ties" is a more formal expression than "enhance family bonding," which is somewhat colloquial.

  8. "People may be under a lot of pressure" -> "Individuals may face significant pressure"
    Explanation: "Individuals may face significant pressure" is more formal and precise than "People may be under a lot of pressure."

  9. "can easily take care of each other’s health" -> "can readily attend to each other’s health"
    Explanation: "Can readily attend to each other’s health" is more formal and precise, replacing the colloquial "take care of."

  10. "despite the mentioned benefits" -> "despite the aforementioned benefits"
    Explanation: "Aforementioned" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "mentioned."

  11. "the drawbacks it brings are more significant" -> "the disadvantages it poses are more substantial"
    Explanation: "The disadvantages it poses are more substantial" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the casual tone of "brings."

  12. "they can easily depend on their family" -> "they may become overly reliant on their family"
    Explanation: "May become overly reliant on their family" is more precise and formal, avoiding the casual "easily depend."

  13. "have a little opportunity" -> "have limited opportunities"
    Explanation: "Have limited opportunities" is more formal and precise than "have a little opportunity," which is vague and informal.

  14. "lack their freedom and privacy" -> "sacrifice their freedom and privacy"
    Explanation: "Sacrifice their freedom and privacy" is a more precise and formal way to express the loss of autonomy and privacy.

  15. "will have to be controlled by their parents about many things" -> "are subject to parental control in various aspects"
    Explanation: "Are subject to parental control in various aspects" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "will have to be controlled by their parents about many things."

  16. "harmful effects" -> "adverse effects"
    Explanation: "Adverse effects" is a more formal and precise term than "harmful effects," which is somewhat vague and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of young adults living with their parents after completing their education and finding jobs. The writer presents a balanced view, acknowledging the benefits such as financial savings and enhanced family bonding, while also emphasizing the drawbacks like dependency and lack of personal freedom. The use of specific examples, such as the financial implications and cultural references to Vietnamese parenting, strengthens the response.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the response, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics to illustrate the points made. Additionally, a more explicit comparison of the advantages and disadvantages could help clarify the argument regarding whether the advantages truly outweigh the disadvantages.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages of living with parents outweigh the advantages. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding paragraph where the writer reiterates their belief. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to reinforce the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader more effectively from one point to the next. For instance, explicitly stating "Despite these advantages, I believe…" before introducing the disadvantages would strengthen the logical flow of the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of living with parents. Each point is generally well-supported with explanations and examples. For instance, the mention of financial savings and family bonding is relevant and relatable. However, some points, particularly regarding the disadvantages, could benefit from further elaboration to deepen the analysis.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim to extend their ideas by providing more detailed explanations or additional examples. For instance, discussing the long-term implications of dependency on family could add depth to the argument. Including counterarguments or acknowledging potential exceptions could also enhance the complexity of the discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the relevant aspects of young adults living with their parents. The points made are pertinent to the question posed, and the writer does not stray into unrelated areas. However, some sentences could be more concise to maintain clarity and focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly contributes to the central argument. Avoiding overly complex sentence structures and ensuring that each point is tightly linked to the thesis will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, a brief summary of the main points in the conclusion could reinforce the relevance of the discussion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity, depth, and focus, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. The points are logically sequenced, starting with the benefits before addressing the drawbacks. For instance, the transition from discussing financial savings to family bonding is smooth and maintains a coherent flow. However, the connection between the points could be strengthened; for example, the link between saving money and personal independence is not explicitly made, which could confuse readers about the relationship between these ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, explicitly connect related ideas within paragraphs. For example, when discussing the financial benefits, you could introduce how these savings might impact personal independence, thereby creating a stronger link between the advantages and disadvantages.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, with the first paragraph addressing advantages and the second focusing on disadvantages. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer structure, as the transition between the points about dependence and lack of freedom feels somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. Additionally, use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing dependence, you could use a phrase like "Furthermore," to introduce the point about lack of freedom, which would create a smoother transition.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Another benefit," and "On the other hand," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay relies on a few basic connectors. For instance, the use of "this is because" is repeated, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "this is because," consider alternatives like "which allows for," "resulting in," or "consequently." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" or "in contrast," can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall flow.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "benefits," "drawbacks," "independence," and "bonding." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the phrases used to describe the advantages and disadvantages. For instance, the word "benefits" is used multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "benefits," alternatives like "advantages," "gains," or "positive aspects" could be employed. Additionally, using more specific vocabulary related to the context, such as "financial security" instead of "saving money," would enrich the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of vague or imprecise vocabulary. For example, the phrase "bear the pressure of money" is unclear; it would be more precise to say "bear the financial burden." Additionally, the term "controlled by their parents about many things" lacks specificity and could be better articulated.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim for clarity in expression. For instance, rather than saying "controlled by their parents about many things," they could specify what aspects of life are controlled, such as "decisions regarding social activities or career choices." This specificity not only clarifies the argument but also demonstrates a more sophisticated use of language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, but there are minor errors that could impact clarity. For example, the phrase "the drawbacks it brings are more significant" could be misread due to the awkward construction, though the spelling itself is correct.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on sentence structure and clarity. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases that may lead to confusion, ensuring that the intended meaning is conveyed clearly.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and overall clarity. By diversifying vocabulary, refining word choice for precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy through careful proofreading, the writer can enhance their Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of various sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively signals contrasting points. The writer also employs conditional structures, such as "if they have jobs and academic degrees," which adds depth to the argument. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and the use of more complex structures to enhance sophistication. For example, the sentence "This is because they don’t have to pay for housing or food, just travel expenses" could be restructured to incorporate a more complex form, such as "Since they are exempt from housing and food expenses, they only need to cover travel costs."
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more varied introductory clauses and participial phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Another benefit is," the writer could use phrases like "Additionally," or "Moreover," to introduce new ideas. Experimenting with different sentence lengths and structures, such as using relative clauses or inversion for emphasis, can also enhance the overall variety.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some minor errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, the phrase "the drawbacks it brings are more significant" could be improved by changing "it" to "that" for clarity, resulting in "the drawbacks that it brings are more significant." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "which" in "people who depend heavily on their family for money over the years will cause them to lose personal independence," which could lead to confusion regarding the sentence’s meaning. The phrase "this is simply because when young people live with their parents, they will have to be controlled by their parents about many things" is somewhat awkward and could be rephrased for clarity and conciseness.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help clarify meaning and improve flow. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding clauses and conjunctions, will help avoid run-on sentences and comma splices. Engaging with grammar exercises that focus on complex sentences and punctuation will further strengthen these skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, an increasing number of individuals choose to live with their parents even after they have completed their education and found jobs. Although this has certain advantages, I believe that the drawbacks are greater.

On the one hand, there are still benefits to continuing to live with parents. Firstly, they can save a lot of money and are not burdened by financial pressures when living with their parents. This is because they do not have to pay for housing or food, only transportation costs. From there, they can save money for other goals such as buying a car or a larger house. Another benefit is that it can strengthen family ties. Individuals may face significant pressure at work or study, so when living with their family, they can receive advice or affection from family members. In addition, family members can also readily attend to each other’s health.

On the other hand, despite the aforementioned benefits, I still hold the view that the disadvantages it poses are more substantial. One major problem is that they may become overly reliant on their family. For example, people who depend heavily on their family for money over the years will lose personal independence. As a result, they have limited opportunities to develop their personal and professional careers. Another related issue is that young people may sacrifice their freedom and privacy. This is simply because when young people live with their parents, they are subject to parental control in various aspects of their lives. For example, Vietnamese parents often control their children regarding playtime or issues related to work or study.

In conclusion, there are some advantages for young adults to continue living with their family, such as saving plenty of money and improving family bonding. However, I believe that the disadvantages of this situation bring many adverse effects to young people’s personal development.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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