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In some countries older people are being encouraged to work longer and not to retire. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working beyond retirement age.

In some countries older people are being encouraged to work longer and not to retire. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working beyond retirement age.

It is evident from several nations that the government encourages the elderly to continue working rather than retire. My firm conviction is that this policy can be a solution for lots of countries to certain enough inhabitants for working in spite of some inherent disadvantages.
Firstly, the increasing number of elderly will have a positive impact on not only society but also themself. To be more specific, having a job can help maintain their sagaciousness and can be an opportunity for them to make friends and update themself to keep up with the global’s changes. Besides, the experience and knowledge of young individuals can contribute positively to the development of society. Furthermore, younger figures can learn numerously from the advice and life experience of elderly to be better citizens in the future.
In contrast, there are a large number of risks if the government accepts this policy and uses old individuals as a sort of labor. There is a fact that people in this age can not have work performance as good as the younger one. As a result, their appearance in some companies or organizations can reduce work productivity. On the one hand, their health status will be a concerning issue for society especially when they have to work in challenging conditions. In my perspective, it is necessary for the administrator to have suitable policies for elderly if they want them to work beyond the retirement age.
Last but not least, the quantity of labor in older age can play an important role in some countries whose population issue is increasingly prevalent. I believe that if the government has good policies, the sum of these disadvantages can be solved immediately.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "lots of countries" -> "numerous countries"
    Explanation: Replacing "lots of countries" with "numerous countries" adds formality and specificity to the statement, aligning with academic style.

  2. "certain enough inhabitants" -> "ensure an adequate workforce"
    Explanation: Substituting "certain enough inhabitants" with "ensure an adequate workforce" enhances precision and elevates the language to a more formal level.

  3. "To be more specific" -> "To elaborate"
    Explanation: Replacing "To be more specific" with "To elaborate" maintains clarity while introducing a more formal transition.

  4. "sagaciousness" -> "wisdom"
    Explanation: Substituting "sagaciousness" with "wisdom" retains the meaning while utilizing a more commonly understood and academically suitable term.

  5. "update themself" -> "stay informed"
    Explanation: Changing "update themself" to "stay informed" improves clarity and maintains formality in expressing the idea of keeping up with global changes.

  6. "global’s changes" -> "global changes"
    Explanation: Adjusting "global’s changes" to "global changes" corrects the possessive form and provides a more grammatically accurate expression.

  7. "numerously" -> "abundantly"
    Explanation: Replacing "numerously" with "abundantly" adds sophistication and formality to the statement, contributing to a more academic tone.

  8. "figures" -> "individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "figures" with "individuals" is a more precise and formal choice, aligning with academic language conventions.

  9. "can learn numerously from" -> "can benefit significantly from"
    Explanation: Changing "can learn numerously from" to "can benefit significantly from" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  10. "On the one hand" -> "However"
    Explanation: Replacing "On the one hand" with "However" improves the transition and maintains a formal tone in presenting the contrasting viewpoint.

  11. "if the government accepts this policy" -> "if the government adopts this policy"
    Explanation: Substituting "accepts" with "adopts" adds a more formal tone, aligning with academic language conventions.

  12. "can not" -> "cannot"
    Explanation: Correcting "can not" to "cannot" adheres to proper grammar and formal writing conventions.

  13. "concerning issue" -> "concern"
    Explanation: Changing "concerning issue" to "concern" streamlines the expression and maintains a formal tone.

  14. "in my perspective" -> "from my perspective"
    Explanation: Adjusting "in my perspective" to "from my perspective" is a more grammatically correct and formal way to introduce a personal viewpoint.

  15. "the sum of these disadvantages" -> "these disadvantages collectively"
    Explanation: Replacing "the sum of these disadvantages" with "these disadvantages collectively" offers a more precise and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of working beyond retirement age. It discusses the impact on society and individuals, acknowledging both positive and negative aspects of the policy.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers the main points, it could benefit from more detailed examples to illustrate the advantages and disadvantages. Encourage the writer to provide specific instances or statistics to support their points.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance, expressing a belief in the potential benefits of encouraging older people to work longer. The writer’s position is evident throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, suggest explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion. This will reinforce the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on the impact of elderly employment on society and individuals. However, some points lack depth and would benefit from more extensive development and elaboration.
    • How to improve: Encourage the writer to provide more detailed explanations, examples, or anecdotes to strengthen their arguments. This will enhance the overall depth of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of older individuals working. However, there are moments of generalization that may slightly deviate from the main focus.
    • How to improve: Advise the writer to maintain a sharp focus on the prompt by avoiding broad statements and ensuring that each point directly relates to the topic. Emphasize the importance of relevance in maintaining coherence.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses both sides of the argument. To improve, the writer should aim for more specificity in examples, maintain explicit clarity on their position, deepen the development of ideas, and ensure absolute relevance to the topic. These refinements will contribute to a more polished and comprehensive essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the issue and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs discuss advantages and disadvantages in a coherent manner. However, there are instances where the ideas could be more logically connected. For example, the transition between the positive impacts of elderly employment to the potential risks could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through shifts in ideas. For instance, use phrases like "On the other hand" when transitioning from advantages to disadvantages. This will create a more seamless connection between contrasting points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure can be improved for better effectiveness. Each paragraph should focus on a specific idea, but some paragraphs here cover multiple concepts. For instance, the first paragraph covers both positive impacts on society and on the elderly, making it less focused.
    • How to improve: Restructure paragraphs to ensure they have a clear and singular focus. This will enhance readability and make the essay more organized. Additionally, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to provide a clear preview of the main idea.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "in contrast," and "last but not least." However, more variety and precision in the use of cohesive devices could enhance the overall coherence. For example, the transitions between paragraphs and ideas could benefit from a broader range of linking words and phrases.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider array of cohesive devices to connect sentences and ideas more effectively. Experiment with words like "furthermore," "however," "moreover," and "nevertheless" to vary the structure and improve overall coherence. Ensure these devices are used consistently throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay displays a generally coherent structure, refining the logical connections between ideas, restructuring paragraphs for clarity, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to incorporate diverse words, the usage lacks sophistication, and some words are repeated (e.g., "elderly," "society"). The essay could benefit from a more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance the depth of expression.
    • How to improve: Consider using synonyms and exploring more nuanced language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "elderly," try alternatives like "senior citizens" or "the aged." Introduce more specialized terms related to the topic to elevate the lexical variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally clear, but there are instances where words are imprecise or used in a somewhat awkward manner. For example, the term "sagaciousness" may not be the most precise choice to convey the idea of wisdom. Additionally, the phrase "to certain enough inhabitants" is unclear and could be expressed more precisely.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "sagaciousness," consider using "wisdom." Reevaluate unclear phrases, such as "to certain enough inhabitants," and strive for clarity in expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some errors, such as "themself" (themselves) and "numerously" (numerous). These errors, though not pervasive, impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to common spelling mistakes. Review and edit the essay to catch errors like "themself" and consider using tools like spell checkers to enhance spelling accuracy. Proofreading can significantly contribute to minimizing such errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy would contribute to a more refined and polished piece. Consider incorporating a wider array of terms, using words more precisely, and meticulously proofreading to enhance overall lexical proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences dominate the essay, with a few complex sentences. For instance, the sentence "My firm conviction is that this policy can be a solution for lots of countries to certain enough inhabitants for working in spite of some inherent disadvantages" is a complex structure. However, more variety, especially in the use of complex structures, can enhance the overall quality of the essay.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of complex, compound-complex, and compound sentences. For instance, you could use relative clauses, appositives, or conditional sentences to add complexity. This will make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as "sagaciousness" (consider using "wisdom") and "numerously" (consider using "numerous"). Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a few places where commas are misused, affecting the clarity of the sentences.
    • How to improve: Review the use of specific vocabulary to ensure appropriateness (e.g., replace "sagaciousness" with "wisdom"). Proofread carefully for minor grammatical errors and ensure that commas are used appropriately. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to catch such errors. Additionally, practice incorporating more complex grammatical structures to enhance overall proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence structures. Enhancing complexity and addressing minor grammatical errors will contribute to an even more polished and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In numerous countries, there is a growing trend where governments encourage older individuals to extend their working years instead of opting for retirement. From my perspective, this policy, while not without concerns, holds the potential to ensure an adequate workforce and bring about certain benefits despite some inherent disadvantages.

To elaborate, encouraging the elderly to continue working can have positive implications for both society and the individuals themselves. In particular, staying active in the workforce can help maintain their wisdom, providing them with opportunities to forge new connections and stay informed about global changes. Additionally, the valuable experience and knowledge possessed by older individuals can significantly benefit younger members of society, contributing to their development into better citizens.

However, it is crucial to acknowledge the potential drawbacks if the government adopts this policy without careful consideration. It is a well-established fact that individuals in their older age may not perform as efficiently as their younger counterparts, potentially leading to a decline in overall work productivity within certain companies or organizations. Furthermore, there is a legitimate concern about the health status of elderly individuals, especially when they are required to work in challenging conditions. To address these issues, appropriate policies must be in place to ensure the well-being and productivity of elderly workers.

In conclusion, while there are valid concerns about the impact of older individuals continuing to work, the advantages of maintaining a working elderly population cannot be overlooked. With careful consideration and well-thought-out policies, the disadvantages associated with this approach can be mitigated, and the workforce can be more abundantly sustained, particularly in countries grappling with population challenges.

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