In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people.
Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative situation?
In several territories, home ownership is being considered as one of the most essential parts of life that undermines those who are renting their accommodation. From my perspective, this situation is putting considerable pressure on people who are enduring from trying to possess a house, especially the young generation. This essay will discuss the underlying reasons leading to the case and elucidate my viewpoint.
A primary reason for the idea is that many cultures value the stability derived from owning a home. A person who still pays for housing may be subject to the landlord’s discretion, facing some uncertainties such as rising rental costs, disagreements, and even being moved out. In contrast, homeownership can offer a sense of assurance and stability as the homeowners have full control over the property so they do not have to worry about housing-related problems.
In my opinion, although I acknowledge the stability of owning a house, I believe it will lead to negative consequences for people who have a struggle with finance but still try to buy one. These days, house price is incredibly rising, becoming more expensive than ever before. If house owning is seen as a crucial achievement in society, it will place a severe burden on people, particularly the young, most of whom have a limited source of finance. For instance, there are many cases where a man works relentlessly without recess so that he manages to get a house, leading to a deterioration of other important aspects of his life such as health, family, and friends.
In conclusion, the prejudice of owning a house has become popular in some countries due to the stability stemming from that ownership. However, this idea can lead to a desperate situation for many individuals that they have to sacrifice their lives only for a house.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"enduring from trying to possess a house" -> "enduring the struggle to acquire a house"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks precision. Replacing it with "enduring the struggle to acquire a house" maintains the formality and clarity of the sentence.
"elucidate my viewpoint" -> "articulate my perspective"
Explanation: "Elucidate" is a more formal term, but "articulate" is equally formal and better aligns with the act of expressing one’s viewpoint.
"A primary reason for the idea is" -> "One primary rationale for this notion is"
Explanation: "A primary reason for the idea" is imprecise. Using "One primary rationale for this notion is" adds specificity and formality to the statement.
"person who still pays for housing" -> "individual who continues to pay for housing"
Explanation: "Person" is slightly informal for academic writing. Replacing it with "individual" and "still pays" with "continues to pay" enhances the formality of the expression.
"rising rental costs" -> "escalating rental expenses"
Explanation: "Rising" is less formal than "escalating," and "rental costs" is refined to "rental expenses" without losing clarity.
"homeownership can offer a sense of assurance" -> "homeownership can provide a sense of security"
Explanation: "Assurance" is slightly informal; "security" is a more suitable and formal alternative in this context.
"have full control over the property" -> "exercise complete control over the property"
Explanation: "Have full control" can be refined to "exercise complete control" for a more formal tone.
"negative consequences for people who have a struggle with finance" -> "adverse consequences for individuals facing financial challenges"
Explanation: "Negative consequences for people who have a struggle with finance" is informal. The suggested alternative is more formal and precise.
"house price is incredibly rising" -> "housing prices are escalating dramatically"
Explanation: "Incredibly rising" is informal; "housing prices are escalating dramatically" is a more formal expression.
"most of whom have a limited source of finance" -> "many of whom have limited financial resources"
Explanation: "Most of whom have a limited source of finance" is less formal. "Many of whom have limited financial resources" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"man works relentlessly without recess" -> "individual works tirelessly without respite"
Explanation: "Man works relentlessly without recess" is informal. "Individual works tirelessly without respite" is more formal and maintains clarity.
"place a severe burden on people" -> "impose a significant burden on individuals"
Explanation: "Place a severe burden on people" can be refined to "impose a significant burden on individuals" for increased formality.
"prejudice of owning a house" -> "preference for homeownership"
Explanation: "Prejudice of owning a house" is unclear and informal. "Preference for homeownership" is a more accurate and formal expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "In several territories, home ownership is being considered as one of the most essential parts of life that undermines those who are renting their accommodation."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction does present the writer’s perspective on the importance of home ownership, but it lacks clarity and conciseness. It could be enhanced by explicitly stating whether the writer views this situation positively or negatively. Additionally, a brief preview of the main reasons to be discussed in the essay would provide a roadmap for the reader.
- Improved example: "In various regions, the significance of owning a home is deemed crucial, potentially overshadowing the experiences of those who opt for rental accommodations. From my standpoint, this inclination raises concerns, particularly for the younger generation. This essay will delve into the reasons behind this trend and articulate my stance on the matter."
Quoted text: "For instance, there are many cases where a man works relentlessly without recess so that he manages to get a house, leading to a deterioration of other important aspects of his life such as health, family, and friends."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument is adequately developed, illustrating a potential negative consequence of the emphasis on home ownership. However, it would benefit from specifying the consequences in more detail. For example, how might the deterioration of health, family, and friendships occur? Providing concrete examples or scenarios would bolster the persuasiveness of the argument.
- Improved example: "For instance, individuals often find themselves working tirelessly, neglecting their well-being, familial relationships, and friendships in the relentless pursuit of homeownership. This relentless focus on acquiring a property can lead to stress-related health issues, strained family bonds, and a diminishing social life."
Overall, the essay addresses all parts of the task, presents a clear position, and supports main ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the introduction’s clarity and the depth of development in presenting negative consequences.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a clear structure, opening with an introduction that sets the stage for discussion and concluding with a succinct summary. It organizes ideas logically, presenting coherent arguments supporting the importance of homeownership. The essay maintains a clear central topic within each paragraph and effectively utilizes cohesive devices to link ideas together, contributing to the overall flow of the essay.
The introduction presents the writer’s viewpoint and outlines the essay’s structure. Subsequent paragraphs delve into reasons for the significance of homeownership and the potential negative consequences, each building upon the previous point logically. The concluding paragraph neatly summarizes the main arguments.
There’s a strong use of cohesive devices, enhancing the essay’s coherence. However, there are occasional issues with sentence structure and word choice that affect the overall cohesion slightly, leading to some minor disruptions in flow.
How to improve:
To elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band, focus on refining sentence structures and word choices for smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to enhance the overall flow and coherence. Practicing varied sentence structures and synonyms for key terms can further enhance the essay’s readability and logical progression.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay presents ideas coherently, and the vocabulary, while occasionally repetitive, generally contributes to the overall clarity. There are some noticeable errors in word choice and word formation, such as "enduring from" (should be "enduring") and "struggle with finance" (should be "financial struggle"). Despite these errors, the essay effectively conveys the writer’s perspective on the importance of owning a home.
How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on refining word choice and avoiding inaccuracies in word formation. Careful proofreading can help eliminate errors and enhance the overall fluency of expression. Additionally, diversifying the vocabulary further and avoiding repetition will contribute to a more sophisticated lexical range.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating a variety of structures. There are instances of good sentence complexity and grammatical variety, but occasional errors and awkward phrasing reduce the overall accuracy. While some sentences are error-free, others contain grammatical mistakes and punctuation issues. The essay generally communicates the intended meaning, but the language usage is not consistently precise.
How to Improve:
- Error Correction: Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy. Review and revise sentences to eliminate errors and improve overall precision.
- Sentence Structure: Continue to use a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. Ensure that complex sentences are grammatically correct to enhance the overall fluency of the essay.
- Vocabulary Usage: Consider using a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced essay.
- Clarity and Cohesion: Work on maintaining clarity and cohesion in ideas. Some sentences are slightly unclear or awkwardly phrased, so focus on enhancing the flow of the essay.
Remember, achieving a Band 7 requires more consistent accuracy and slightly greater complexity in sentence structures. Keep refining your language skills to elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In various regions, possessing a home is deemed a crucial aspect of life, often overshadowing the experiences of those who opt to rent their living space. From my standpoint, this places significant stress on individuals striving to acquire a house, particularly the younger generation. This essay will explore the underlying reasons fueling this inclination and delineate my perspective.
One primary rationale for this notion is the cultural emphasis on the stability associated with homeownership. An individual who continues to pay for housing may find themselves subject to the landlord’s discretion, confronting uncertainties like escalating rental expenses, disagreements, and potential displacement. In contrast, homeownership can provide a sense of security and stability, as those who own their homes exercise complete control over the property, alleviating concerns about housing-related issues.
However, despite acknowledging the stability linked with homeownership, I posit that there are adverse consequences for individuals facing financial challenges who persist in the struggle to acquire a house. Presently, housing prices are escalating dramatically, posing a significant burden on individuals, especially the younger demographic with limited financial resources. For example, there are instances where an individual works tirelessly without respite to secure a house, resulting in a deterioration of crucial aspects of life such as health, family, and friendships.
In conclusion, the preference for homeownership has gained prominence in some countries due to the perceived stability it offers. Nevertheless, this inclination can impose a significant burden on individuals, compelling them to make sacrifices in various aspects of life solely for the sake of owning a house.