In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

Working, which is means of earning livings in human society, nowadays takes up considerable amount of time of people in several nations. This phenomenon, from my perspective, stems from specific backgrounds of the countries and leads to negative development as a consequence.
It is reasonable that working long hours is essential in some countries. A discernible culprit is high national living standard which presses more financial issues on residents. Encountering such cost of living, people are likely to opt for working harder or shouldering more extra jobs as a solution to enhance their income, which leads to more time devotion to their career aspect. Furthermore, it is work culture in the country that people’s desire to work is increasing. A telling example is Japan, in which people are held in high esteem due to the significant time they sacrifice to their jobs. Since the tiredness is seemed to express people’s hard-working personality, the Japanese culture of praise is even given more obviously to colleagues who show up at workplace with extreme exhaustion.
Although spending numerous hours at work is commonly witnessed in some countries, I reckon that this tendency would be at the expense of human mental health as well as the chances to bond with their beloved people. When taking mental problems into considerations, it is common knowledge that human brains will be put under intense pressure if they are constantly active for a long time. Therefore, people working long hours may suffer from stress, rendering mental degradation. In addition, considerable work time consumption would cost the remaing time for people’s family and friends. For instance, people tend to refuse hang-out invitations from closed members since their time is mostly distributed to their carreer prospect, making them lose the opportunity to form a good rapports with others.
In conclusion, working in a number of hours occuring in some countries results from high living cost and work culture of those nations, which inevitably does harm on human mental quality and their surrounding relationships.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"which is means of earning livings" -> "which is a means of earning a living"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The corrected version streamlines the expression and corrects the grammar, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"nowadays takes up considerable amount of time" -> "currently occupies a considerable amount of time"
Explanation: "Nowadays" is somewhat informal and can be replaced with "currently" for a more formal tone. Additionally, "takes up" is a phrasal verb that can be replaced with "occupies" to enhance the academic quality of the sentence.
"specific backgrounds of the countries" -> "particular socioeconomic contexts of these nations"
Explanation: "Specific backgrounds" is vague and imprecise. "Particular socioeconomic contexts" offers a more detailed and academically appropriate description of the factors influencing the phenomenon.
"negative development" -> "adverse outcomes"
Explanation: "Negative development" is a broad and somewhat informal term. "Adverse outcomes" provides a more precise and formal alternative.
"A discernible culprit" -> "A significant contributing factor"
Explanation: "Culprit" carries a slightly negative connotation and is less formal. "Contributing factor" is neutral and fits better in an academic context.
"presses more financial issues on" -> "imposes additional financial burdens upon"
Explanation: "Presses more financial issues on" is informal and lacks clarity. "Imposes additional financial burdens upon" is a clearer, more formal way to express the idea of financial stress.
"opt for working harder or shouldering more extra jobs" -> "choose to work harder or undertake additional employment"
Explanation: "Opt for" and "shouldering" are less formal; "choose to" and "undertake" are more appropriate for an academic tone. "Additional employment" is also more formal than "more extra jobs."
"leads to more time devotion to their career aspect" -> "results in increased time dedicated to their careers"
Explanation: "Leads to more time devotion to their career aspect" is awkward and unclear. "Results in increased time dedicated to their careers" is clearer and more formal.
"the tiredness is seemed to express" -> "fatigue is perceived to express"
Explanation: "The tiredness is seemed to express" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Fatigue is perceived to express" corrects the grammar and employs more formal vocabulary.
"cost the remaing time for people’s family and friends" -> "diminish the remaining time for family and friends"
Explanation: "Cost the remaining time" is an awkward construction. "Diminish the remaining time" is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing. Also, "people’s" before "family and friends" is redundant.
"refuse hang-out invitations" -> "decline social invitations"
Explanation: "Hang-out" is informal and not suitable for academic writing. "Social invitations" is a more formal and appropriate term.
"making them lose the opportunity to form a good rapports" -> "preventing them from forming strong rapport"
Explanation: "Making them lose" is informal, and "rapports" should not be pluralized in this context. "Preventing them from forming strong rapport" is more formal and grammatically correct.
"working in a number of hours occuring in some countries" -> "engagement in extensive work hours observed in certain countries"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. "Engagement in extensive work hours observed in certain countries" is clearer and more academically formal.
"does harm on" -> "has detrimental effects on"
Explanation: "Does harm on" is informal and incorrect. "Has detrimental effects on" is a more formal and accurate way to express negative impact.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt: why people spend long hours at work and whether this is a positive or negative development. It discusses reasons such as high living standards and work culture, attributing the phenomenon to economic pressure and societal norms. However, the essay could provide more nuanced exploration, perhaps by discussing alternative perspectives or counterarguments.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could delve deeper into the complexities of the issue. For instance, considering other factors such as government policies, technological advancements, or individual motivations could enrich the analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of why people work long hours.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting that long working hours lead to negative consequences, particularly on mental health and relationships. The position is clearly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could strengthen the thesis statement by explicitly stating the position on whether spending long hours at work is predominantly negative or positive. This would leave no room for ambiguity and ensure the reader understands the author’s viewpoint unequivocally.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with adequate development and support. It offers examples and reasoning to explain why people work long hours, such as economic pressure and societal norms. However, some ideas could be further extended or elaborated to provide deeper insights.
- How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, the essay could provide more diverse examples or incorporate statistical data to strengthen arguments. Additionally, expanding on the consequences of long working hours beyond mental health and relationships, such as productivity or societal implications, would add depth to the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by addressing why people work long hours and evaluating the consequences of this phenomenon. However, there are minor instances where the essay slightly deviates, such as discussing the culture of praise in Japan, which, while relevant, could be more directly tied to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all examples and explanations directly relate to the central argument. While tangential points can enrich the discussion, they should not detract from the coherence and relevance of the main points presented.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates its position and supporting arguments. To improve, it could benefit from deeper analysis, clearer articulation of ideas, and tighter focus on the main argument throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are areas where the flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the reasons for long working hours and the negative consequences feels somewhat abrupt. Additionally, the examples provided could be more seamlessly integrated into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smooth transitions between ideas. Introduce examples more naturally within the context of the discussion to avoid disjointedness. Consider a clearer roadmap in the introduction to guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, each addressing a specific aspect of the topic. However, the structure within paragraphs could be refined for better coherence. Some paragraphs tend to cover multiple ideas without clear delineation.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining a single main idea within each paragraph to improve clarity. Use topic sentences to introduce the central theme of each paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to maintain the overall flow of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate use of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "although," "in conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying and integrating these devices more effectively throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "moreover"), and parallel structures to link ideas within and between sentences. Ensure that cohesive devices are used not only for transitions but also to reinforce the logical connections between different parts of the essay. Work on integrating them seamlessly into the text to enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, covering various aspects of the topic. For instance, terms like "livings," "culprit," "encountering," "devotion," "tiredness," "esteem," "sacrifice," "exhaustion," "mental degradation," "consumption," and "rapports" are used to convey different ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and precision of vocabulary usage. For instance, synonyms or more nuanced terms could be employed to avoid repetition and enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and domain-specific terminology. Additionally, aim for more varied sentence structures and avoid repetitive phrasing. In this essay, replacing repetitive terms like "working" with alternatives such as "employment," "labor," or "career endeavors" could contribute to lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. However, there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For example, phrases like "more financial issues" and "mental quality" could benefit from more specific or concise vocabulary to enhance clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, strive for specificity and accuracy in word selection. Instead of using vague terms like "more financial issues," specify the particular financial challenges individuals face, such as "rising expenses" or "financial burdens." Similarly, consider substituting "mental quality" with more precise terms like "mental well-being" or "psychological health" to convey the intended meaning more clearly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some instances of spelling errors and typos that detract from the overall professionalism of the writing. Examples include "carreer" (career), "remaing" (remaining), and "rapports" (relationships).
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch any overlooked mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling accuracy and actively seeking feedback on spelling errors can also contribute to improvement in this area.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, it utilizes complex structures like "It is reasonable that working long hours is essential in some countries," employing subordination effectively. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of structures further. The essay could benefit from incorporating more varied sentence structures, such as parallelism, conditional sentences, or rhetorical questions, to enhance overall coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider integrating techniques like parallelism to balance sentence elements, utilizing conditional sentences to present hypothetical scenarios, or incorporating rhetorical questions to engage the reader. For example, instead of solely relying on straightforward statements, try to introduce more complexity by using constructions like, "Not only do long working hours affect mental health, but they also erode the quality of interpersonal relationships."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For instance, "which is means of earning livings" should be corrected to "which is a means of earning a living." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "the remaing time" instead of "the remaining time." Punctuation errors include missing commas after introductory phrases and inconsistent use of capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review subject-verb agreement rules and pay attention to noun phrases and articles. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct punctuation errors, ensuring consistency in the use of commas, periods, and capitalization. Moreover, consulting grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers can provide additional support in refining grammar and punctuation skills. For instance, revising sentences like "It is reasonable that working long hours is essential in some countries" to "It is reasonable that working long hours is essential in some countries due to the high national living standard" would enhance clarity and grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for refinement to achieve an even higher score. Integrating a wider variety of sentence structures and consistently applying grammatical rules and punctuation conventions will contribute to further improvement in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

Working, which is a means of earning a living in many societies, currently occupies a significant amount of time for people in various nations. This trend is influenced by specific socioeconomic contexts and often leads to adverse outcomes.

A significant contributing factor to the prevalence of long working hours is the high cost of living in certain countries. This imposes additional financial burdens upon residents, compelling them to choose to work harder or undertake additional employment to enhance their income. Consequently, this results in increased time dedicated to their careers.

Furthermore, the work culture prevalent in some nations contributes to the inclination towards longer working hours. For instance, in countries like Japan, where the culture esteems individuals who sacrifice significant time for their jobs, fatigue is perceived to express a person’s hard-working personality. Colleagues who exhibit extreme exhaustion are often praised, reinforcing the notion of working long hours as a virtue.

However, despite the acceptance of extensive work hours in certain countries, it is essential to recognize the detrimental effects it has on individuals. Prolonged work hours can have adverse effects on mental health, leading to increased stress and mental degradation. Additionally, the time dedicated to work diminishes the remaining time available for family and friends. This decline in social interactions may lead individuals to decline social invitations, preventing them from forming strong rapport and relationships with their loved ones.

In conclusion, the engagement in extensive work hours observed in certain countries is influenced by both economic factors and cultural norms. While it may be perceived as a positive attribute in some societies, it is important to acknowledge its negative impact on mental well-being and interpersonal relationships. Finding a balance between work and personal life is crucial for overall happiness and fulfillment.