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In some countries, some high school leavers choose to work or travel for a period of time before going to university. Discuss the disadvantages and advantages of these school leavers’ decisions and give your opinion.

In some countries, some high school leavers choose to work or travel for a period of time before going to university. Discuss the disadvantages and advantages of these school leavers’ decisions and give your opinion.

Taking a gap year among young graduates upon finishing high school before enrolling in university has become a tendency recently. This essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and demerits of this trend before concluding that the latter is more significant.

On the one hand, having a year off is disadvantageous to some extent. Firstly, pupils may find it challenging to return to academic progress after a long break. This could result in deterring them from regaining study momentum and falling to keep pace with their peers. Moreover, this could delay students in acquiring their bachelor’s degree, thus engendering them from starting career advancement later than others and from the chance to have high earning potential. Secondly, the cost for traveling can be expensive. Specifically, if youngsters choose to go to foreign country or pursue an internship without financial allowance.

On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that school leavers can derive various merits by traveling or working before attending tertiary education. The first reason to mention is that gap year takers can have good opportunities to enrich different life experiences. To be more specific, they can broaden their horizon, expose them to new cultures and ways of life. Consequently, they are more likely to become more open-minded and adaptable, even hone their practical skills and cultivate relevant job skills such as time management, problem-solving which can build a firm fundamental base for college and prospective profession. The second reason considered an indispensable benefit of going on a break is that new graduates have more time to reevaluate and explore their passions or desired professions. The time away from academic pressures allows them to focus on personal development, gaining a better understanding of themselves and their aspirations, thus leading to a better choice for their future occupation.

In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that the propensity of taking a break from studies can bring some cons for a student's academic development, I would contend that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages since it can enhance their life experiences and crucial life skills in general.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Taking a gap year among young graduates upon finishing high school before enrolling in university has become a tendency recently." -> "The practice of taking a gap year among young graduates after completing high school but before enrolling in university has become a recent trend."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone by rephrasing and providing a more precise description of the timing of the gap year.

  2. "This essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and demerits of this trend before concluding that the latter is more significant." -> "This essay endeavors to explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this trend, ultimately asserting that the latter holds more significance."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and clarity, avoiding the use of casual terms like "shed light on" and providing a more academic tone.

  3. "On the one hand, having a year off is disadvantageous to some extent." -> "On one hand, taking a gap year entails certain disadvantages."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates unnecessary words and simplifies the expression while maintaining a formal tone.

  4. "Firstly, pupils may find it challenging to return to academic progress after a long break." -> "First, students may encounter difficulties resuming academic progress after an extended hiatus."
    Explanation: The suggested change replaces the informal term "pupils" with the more formal "students" and improves the structure of the sentence.

  5. "This could result in deterring them from regaining study momentum and falling to keep pace with their peers." -> "This could deter them from regaining study momentum and hinder their ability to keep pace with their peers."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality and clarity by rephrasing and using more precise language.

  6. "Moreover, this could delay students in acquiring their bachelor’s degree, thus engendering them from starting career advancement later than others and from the chance to have high earning potential." -> "Furthermore, this delay in acquiring a bachelor’s degree could impede students from initiating career advancement later than their peers, affecting their potential for high earnings."
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve clarity and eliminate redundant phrases, resulting in a more polished and formal expression.

  7. "Secondly, the cost for traveling can be expensive." -> "Secondly, the expenses associated with traveling can be significant."
    Explanation: The revision substitutes the colloquial "cost for traveling" with the more formal "expenses associated with traveling."

  8. "Specifically, if youngsters choose to go to foreign country or pursue an internship without financial allowance." -> "Especially if young individuals opt to travel to a foreign country or pursue an internship without financial support."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and provides a more precise description of the situation.

  9. "On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that school leavers can derive various merits by traveling or working before attending tertiary education." -> "Conversely, numerous compelling reasons support my conviction that school leavers can derive various benefits from traveling or working before pursuing tertiary education."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and clarity, avoiding the use of the casual phrase "I am convinced" and improving the structure of the sentence.

  10. "The first reason to mention is that gap year takers can have good opportunities to enrich different life experiences." -> "Firstly, gap year participants have the opportunity to enrich diverse life experiences."
    Explanation: The revision simplifies the expression while maintaining a formal tone and improving the structure of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of taking a gap year before university and concludes with a clear opinion in favor of the benefits.
    • How to improve: No improvement needed in this aspect.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position in favor of taking a gap year. The author clearly expresses their opinion in the introduction and reinforces it throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider rephrasing sentences for conciseness without losing the depth of analysis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a well-organized manner, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the advantages or disadvantages of a gap year. Examples are provided to support the points made.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider providing more specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate the impact of a gap year on individuals.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, discussing the pros and cons of taking a gap year. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
    • How to improve: Maintain a balance in the depth of analysis for both advantages and disadvantages to ensure a comprehensive exploration of the topic.

Overall Feedback:
This essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses all aspects of the question. The clarity of the position, organization of ideas, and relevant examples contribute to a well-structured and cohesive response. To further enhance the essay, consider incorporating more specific examples to enrich the analysis. Additionally, strive for conciseness in expressing ideas without compromising depth. Overall, an excellent response that aligns with the characteristics of an IELTS Band Score 8 essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It follows a classic introduction, body, conclusion structure. However, there is room for improvement in the organization of supporting points within paragraphs. For instance, the second paragraph could better present the disadvantages of taking a gap year before discussing the advantages.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider structuring paragraphs more coherently. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. In the second paragraph, first discuss challenges returning to academic progress and then address the financial burden of traveling. This improves the clarity and coherence of your arguments.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate ideas, but their structure could be refined. Paragraphs should contain a clear main idea, and the shift from disadvantages to advantages could be more distinct.
    • How to improve: Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. In the second paragraph, separate the discussion of challenges in returning to academic progress from the discussion of travel expenses. This creates a more organized and reader-friendly structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a decent range of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("firstly," "secondly," "on the one hand," "on the other hand"). However, there’s room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. The connection between sentences and ideas is sometimes implicit.
    • How to improve: Diversify your use of cohesive devices. Instead of relying solely on basic transitions, consider employing more advanced ones, like "consequently" or "however." Additionally, make explicit connections between sentences to strengthen the coherence. For example, explicitly state the relationship between the challenges of returning to academic progress and potential delays in acquiring a bachelor’s degree.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, and with some adjustments to paragraph structure and the use of cohesive devices, you can further enhance its logical organization. Remember to clearly connect your ideas within and between paragraphs for a more polished and reader-friendly essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It employs some varied terms such as "merits," "demerits," "propensity," "indispensable," and "irrefutable." However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated and contextually precise vocabulary to enhance the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, consider integrating more advanced vocabulary that precisely conveys your ideas. For instance, instead of "tendency," you might use "phenomenon," and replace "significant" with "substantial" for greater nuance. Engage with a thesaurus to explore synonyms and aim for diversity in word choice to amplify the essay’s lexical strength.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "falling to keep pace with their peers" could be refined for clearer expression. Additionally, the term "financial allowance" might benefit from a more precise description.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining your choice of words for greater precision. Instead of "falling to keep pace," consider a more direct expression like "struggling to catch up." For "financial allowance," you may use "budgetary support" or specify the kind of support, such as "monetary assistance."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits generally accurate spelling. However, there are a few errors, such as "engendering them from starting" (suggesting "preventing them from starting") and "expose them to new cultures and ways of life" (consider "exposing them").
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your work to catch these minor spelling errors. Utilize spell-check tools and, if possible, seek feedback from peers or teachers. Additionally, focus on the accuracy of verb forms and prepositions to ensure clarity and precision.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with some room for improvement in terms of range and precision. Keep refining your language choices, aiming for clarity and nuance, and pay close attention to spelling accuracy for continued improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. It effectively uses both complex and simple sentences to convey ideas. For instance, it employs varied sentence structures in phrases like "Taking a gap year among young graduates upon finishing high school before enrolling in university has become a tendency recently," showcasing a mix of simple and complex sentence structures.
    • How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more compound and compound-complex sentences. Introduce sentences with introductory phrases or clauses for additional complexity. Additionally, ensure that sentence structures contribute to clarity and coherence.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays commendable grammar and punctuation accuracy. However, there are instances where minor errors occur, such as in the phrase "Thus engendering them from starting career advancement later than others," where the verb "engendering" seems misused, and the sentence structure could be refined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Carefully review sentence structures to ensure the correct usage of verbs and eliminate any potential confusion. In this case, consider revising the sentence for better clarity, perhaps by rephrasing it to something like, "This delay may hinder their career advancement, causing them to start later than their peers."

In summary, the essay effectively employs a range of sentence structures, showcasing good grammatical and punctuation accuracy. To further enhance the essay, focus on refining sentence structures for increased variety and ensuring precise word choices for improved clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

Taking a gap year has become a recent trend among young graduates after finishing high school but before enrolling in university. This essay aims to explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this trend, ultimately asserting that the latter holds more significance.

On one hand, taking a gap year has certain disadvantages. Firstly, students may find it challenging to resume academic progress after an extended break. This could discourage them from regaining study momentum and hinder their ability to keep pace with their peers. Moreover, this delay in acquiring a bachelor’s degree could impede students from starting career advancement later than their peers, affecting their potential for high earnings. Secondly, the expenses associated with traveling can be significant, especially if young individuals choose to travel to a foreign country or pursue an internship without financial support.

Conversely, there are numerous compelling reasons supporting my conviction that school leavers can derive various benefits from traveling or working before pursuing tertiary education. Firstly, gap year participants have the opportunity to enrich diverse life experiences. They can broaden their horizons, expose themselves to new cultures and ways of life, and become more open-minded and adaptable. Additionally, they can hone practical skills and cultivate relevant job skills such as time management and problem-solving, laying a firm fundamental base for college and prospective professions. The second reason, considered an indispensable benefit of taking a break, is that new graduates have more time to reevaluate and explore their passions or desired professions. The time away from academic pressures allows them to focus on personal development, gaining a better understanding of themselves and their aspirations, leading to a better choice for their future occupation.

In conclusion, while it is undeniable that taking a break from studies can bring some cons for a student’s academic development, I would contend that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages since it can enhance their life experiences and crucial life skills in general.

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