In some countries, students live with their families while studying at a university. In other countries, students attend university in another city. Do you think the advantages of living away from the family home while attending university outweigh the disadvantages?

In many parts of the world, students stay with their families while moving to a university. Others tend to visit and reside in various cities to have a new life while studying at a university. In my opinion, I strongly believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages due to some reasons explained in the following essay.

On the one hand, residing in another city may contain extensive risks that adversely affect students. First and foremost, students can easily get lost and encounter some difficulty on the way. Moreover, they may not understand entirely and prudently the traffic rules in many overcrowded megacities, therefore, students are susceptible to accidents involving heavy vehicles. Moreover, the expense of some accommodation in large cities is often exorbitant and causes some problems in financial resources for students. However, the cost of motels may increase when students reside for a long term, they have to relocate to another space with reasonable prices.

On the other hand, students will be more decisive if they live away from their family. When living within a house, parents tend to limit their children's decision-making skills by telling them what to do to avoid failure. However, when living alone, students could become more mature by making decisions on their own and then learning from their mistakes. Moreover, this could be a threshold of an independent life for students. During the time being far away from home, they may acquire some new skills, including managing time, doing household chores, and earning money, as they have to truly live their own life without the direct support from their family. Besides, they could be free to take up any interest they want. Unlike when living at home, they can do whatever they want without having to get permission from their parents.

In conclusion, even though some adverse problems may cause negative effects or hazardous issues for students, the advantages dominate the disadvantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In many parts of the world, students stay with their families while moving to a university." -> "In many regions globally, students often reside with their families when relocating to a university."
Explanation: The phrase "stay with their families while moving to a university" is somewhat informal and vague. "Reside with their families when relocating to a university" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"Others tend to visit and reside in various cities to have a new life while studying at a university." -> "Others frequently visit and reside in various cities to experience a new life while pursuing their university studies."
Explanation: The original phrase "have a new life" is vague and informal. "Experience a new life" is more specific and academically appropriate, and "pursuing their university studies" is a more formal way to describe the students’ activities.
"In my opinion, I strongly believe that" -> "I firmly believe that"
Explanation: The phrase "In my opinion, I strongly believe that" is redundant. "I firmly believe that" is concise and maintains the same level of conviction without redundancy.
"residing in another city may contain extensive risks" -> "residing in another city may pose significant risks"
Explanation: "Contain" is not the correct verb to use in this context. "Pose" is the appropriate verb to describe the risks associated with residing in another city.
"students can easily get lost and encounter some difficulty on the way" -> "students may become disoriented and face challenges navigating"
Explanation: "Get lost and encounter some difficulty on the way" is informal and imprecise. "Become disoriented and face challenges navigating" is more formal and accurately describes the difficulties students may face.
"they may not understand entirely and prudently the traffic rules" -> "they may not fully comprehend the traffic rules"
Explanation: "Understand entirely and prudently" is awkward and redundant. "Fully comprehend" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"the expense of some accommodation in large cities is often exorbitant" -> "the cost of certain accommodations in large cities is frequently exorbitant"
Explanation: "Expense" is less specific than "cost," and "some" is vague; "certain" is more precise. "Frequently" is also more formal than "often."
"the cost of motels may increase when students reside for a long term" -> "the cost of motels may escalate when students reside for extended periods"
Explanation: "Increase" is too general; "escalate" is more specific and formal. "Extended periods" is a more precise term than "a long term."
"they have to truly live their own life" -> "they must genuinely live independently"
Explanation: "Truly live their own life" is informal and vague. "Genuinely live independently" is more formal and specific, emphasizing the independence aspect.
"they could be free to take up any interest they want" -> "they are free to pursue any interest they choose"
Explanation: "Take up any interest they want" is informal and slightly awkward. "Pursue any interest they choose" is more formal and flows better in academic writing.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home while attending university. The introduction clearly states the writer’s opinion that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. However, the discussion of disadvantages is somewhat limited and lacks depth. For example, while the essay mentions risks like getting lost and financial burdens, it does not explore other potential disadvantages such as emotional challenges or homesickness, which could provide a more balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a more comprehensive analysis of both sides. This could involve elaborating on the disadvantages with additional examples or insights, ensuring that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly explored.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is consistently reinforced throughout the text. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to strengthen the overall coherence of the argument. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" is followed by a somewhat abrupt shift to "On the other hand," which could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the writer could use transitional phrases that more clearly delineate the shift from disadvantages to advantages. Additionally, summarizing the position at the end of each section could help reinforce the main argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of living away from home, such as increased independence and personal growth. These ideas are supported with examples, such as learning to manage time and household chores. However, the support for the disadvantages is weaker and lacks specific examples or elaboration, which diminishes the overall impact of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the development and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, when discussing financial issues, specific examples of costs or budgeting strategies could be included. Additionally, extending the discussion of advantages with more varied examples would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home while attending university. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of "motels" and "relocating" seems slightly tangential and could be better integrated into the overall argument about living arrangements.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central question of advantages versus disadvantages. Eliminating any off-topic details and ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in depth, coherence, and support that could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized around contrasting viewpoints. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the disadvantages of living away from home to the advantages is somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transitional phrases between paragraphs and within them. For example, using phrases like "Conversely," or "On the other hand," at the beginning of the second body paragraph can help signal a shift in perspective more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates its main idea can aid in guiding the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the disadvantages of living away from home, while the second focuses on the advantages. However, some paragraphs could benefit from more detailed development. For instance, the first body paragraph could elaborate further on the financial implications of living away, providing specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph not only presents a clear idea but also supports it with relevant examples and details. For instance, in the disadvantages paragraph, you could include specific examples of potential costs associated with living away from home, such as rent or utility bills. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can help maintain clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "moreover," and "however," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some phrases are repeated, which can detract from the overall fluency of the essay. For example, "moreover" appears multiple times, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, you could use "in addition," "furthermore," or "consequently" to connect ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can enhance cohesion; for example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "students," try using different subjects or rephrasing to maintain reader interest.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the logical flow, developing paragraphs with more detail, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Words like "reside," "exorbitant," and "threshold" show some sophistication. However, there are instances of repetition, such as "students" and "living," which could be varied to enhance lexical diversity. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students," alternatives like "learners" or "young adults" could be employed.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. This can be achieved by brainstorming a list of synonyms before writing and consciously integrating them into the text.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "may contain extensive risks" is awkward; a more precise expression would be "may pose significant risks." Additionally, "the expense of some accommodation" could be more clearly stated as "the cost of accommodation." The phrase "threshold of an independent life" is somewhat vague and could be better articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context and clarity. Reading more academic essays or articles can help identify how vocabulary is used effectively. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in learning to express ideas more clearly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no major errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "overcrowded megacities," which could be simplified to "busy cities" for clarity. The phrase "the cost of motels may increase when students reside for a long term" could be misinterpreted; "long term" should be hyphenated as "long-term" when used as an adjective.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing regularly can help reinforce correct spelling through repetition.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By actively working on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("When living within a house, parents tend to limit their children’s decision-making skills by telling them what to do to avoid failure.") and compound sentences ("However, when living alone, students could become more mature by making decisions on their own and then learning from their mistakes."). However, there is a noticeable reliance on simpler structures and repetitive phrasing, which limits the overall range. For instance, phrases like "students may" and "students could" are used frequently, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex grammatical forms, such as conditional sentences ("If students live away from home, they may…") or passive voice constructions ("Students are often faced with…"). Additionally, varying the introductory phrases and using more sophisticated connectors (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast," "Consequently") can help to create a more dynamic flow in the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "may contain extensive risks that adversely affect students" is somewhat awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "may involve significant risks that negatively impact students." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in "However, the cost of motels may increase when students reside for a long term, they have to relocate to another space with reasonable prices," which should be separated into two sentences or connected with a semicolon.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common pitfalls can also be beneficial. For punctuation, reviewing the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences, will help in avoiding errors like comma splices. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools can provide insights into areas needing improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence forms used and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By diversifying sentence structures and carefully proofreading for errors, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly enhanced.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many regions globally, students often reside with their families when relocating to a university. Others frequently visit and reside in various cities to experience a new life while pursuing their university studies. I firmly believe that the advantages of living away from the family home while attending university outweigh the disadvantages for several reasons explained in the following essay.

On the one hand, residing in another city may pose significant risks that adversely affect students. First and foremost, students can easily become disoriented and face challenges navigating their new environment. Moreover, they may not fully comprehend the traffic rules in many overcrowded megacities, making them susceptible to accidents involving heavy vehicles. Additionally, the cost of certain accommodations in large cities is frequently exorbitant, which can strain students’ financial resources. Furthermore, the cost of motels may escalate when students reside for extended periods, forcing them to relocate to more affordable options.

On the other hand, students will become more decisive if they live away from their families. When living at home, parents often limit their children’s decision-making skills by telling them what to do to avoid failure. However, when living independently, students can mature by making their own decisions and learning from their mistakes. This experience can serve as a threshold to an independent life. During their time away from home, they may acquire valuable skills, including time management, household chores, and financial independence, as they must genuinely live independently without direct support from their families. Additionally, they are free to pursue any interests they choose, allowing them to explore new hobbies and activities without needing permission from their parents.

In conclusion, even though some adverse problems may pose negative effects or hazardous issues for students, the advantages of living away from home clearly dominate the disadvantages.