In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing What do you think are the courses of these problems and what measures should be taken to solve them

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing

What do you think are the courses of these problems and what measures should be taken to solve them

To begin with, there are several elements that cause Health deterioration. One of the main causes of these problems is the increased availability of processed and high-calorie foods, which are often cheaper and more convenient than healthier alternatives. The rise in fast food change and convenience stores has made it easier for people to consume high-calorie meals on a regular basis. Another factor is the decrease in physical activity levels, which can be attributed to factors such as sedentary work environments and a lack of opportunities for physical activities in daily life. For example, many people spend a significant amount of time sitting in front of a computer or television, which can lead to weight gain and other health issues.

To address these problems, several measures can be taken. What approach is to promote healthy eating habits through education and public awareness campaigns. This can involve encouraging people to eat more fruits and vegetables, reduce their intake of processed and high-calorie foods, and Juice healthier Alternatives when eating out. Another approach is to promote physical activity through initiatives such as building more parts and recreational facilities encouraging employees to provide opportunities for physical activity during work hours, and promoting active Transportation options such as cycling or working.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Health deterioration" -> "deterioration in health"
    Explanation: The phrase "Health deterioration" is somewhat unnatural and lacks the preposition that connects health with its decline. "Deterioration in health" is more natural and academically appropriate.

  2. "cause" -> "contribute to"
    Explanation: Using "cause" suggests a direct and singular effect, which oversimplifies complex issues. "Contribute to" is more accurate in describing the multifaceted nature of health deterioration.

  3. "increased availability" -> "greater availability"
    Explanation: While "increased availability" is not incorrect, "greater availability" is a more formal choice of words that fits better in an academic context.

  4. "cheaper" -> "less expensive"
    Explanation: "Cheaper" can have a negative connotation, implying poor quality. "Less expensive" is a neutral and more formal term.

  5. "fast food change" -> "fast food chains"
    Explanation: "Fast food change" appears to be a typographical error. The correct term is "fast food chains," which refers to multiple locations of fast food restaurants.

  6. "What approach is" -> "One approach is"
    Explanation: "What approach is" is a typographical error and does not convey clarity. "One approach is" correctly introduces an example or solution.

  7. "Juice" -> "choose"
    Explanation: "Juice" seems to be a typographical or autocorrect error. The intended word is likely "choose," which makes sense in the context of selecting healthier food options.

  8. "parts" -> "parks"
    Explanation: "Parts" is likely a typographical error. The correct word, "parks," fits the context of discussing places for physical activity.

  9. "working" -> "walking"
    Explanation: Given the context of promoting active transportation options, "working" is likely a typographical error. "Walking" is the intended word, as it is a form of physical activity suitable for this context.

  10. "change" -> "chains" (if not corrected above)
    Explanation: If not corrected in item 5, it’s important to address that "change" should be "chains" to accurately refer to fast food businesses.

  11. "convenience stores" -> "convenience outlets"
    Explanation: While "convenience stores" is not incorrect, "convenience outlets" is a more formal term that fits the academic tone of the essay.

  12. "encouraging employees to provide" -> "encouraging employers to offer"
    Explanation: The original phrase suggests that the responsibility lies with individual employees, which is less accurate. "Employers" are the entities that can offer opportunities for physical activity, making "encouraging employers to offer" more precise and appropriate.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both parts of the question by discussing the causes of increasing weight and decreasing health and fitness levels, as well as proposing measures to solve these issues. The causes mentioned include the availability of processed foods and decreased physical activity levels, while the suggested measures include promoting healthy eating habits and increasing physical activity.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the response, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples or statistics to support the points made about the causes of health deterioration and the proposed solutions. Additionally, a more structured approach to addressing each part of the question could improve clarity and coherence.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, identifying processed foods and decreased physical activity as key factors contributing to health problems, and advocating for promoting healthy eating habits and increasing physical activity as solutions.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could explicitly state the writer’s viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing the argument presented throughout the body paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that all supporting arguments align with the main position would enhance coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the causes of health problems and solutions, but they are not extensively developed or supported with detailed examples or evidence. For instance, while mentioning processed foods and decreased physical activity as causes, the essay could provide more elaboration on how these factors specifically contribute to health deterioration.
    • How to improve: To extend and support ideas more effectively, the essay should incorporate relevant statistics, studies, or real-life examples to provide a deeper understanding of the issues discussed. Additionally, expanding on the potential challenges or drawbacks of the proposed solutions would enhance the depth of analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the causes of increasing weight and decreasing health and fitness levels, as well as suggesting measures to solve these problems. However, there are minor instances of slightly off-topic discussion, such as mentioning the availability of processed foods without directly tying it back to health and fitness.
    • How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, it is important to ensure that all points made directly relate to the central theme of health and fitness issues. Avoiding tangential discussions and consistently linking each idea back to the main topic would improve coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear stance, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed support for ideas, enhancing coherence, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could further strengthen its argument and achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization by presenting causes and solutions in separate paragraphs, which aids clarity. However, there are areas where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to proposing solutions could be smoother. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which could enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay with a clear introduction that outlines the main causes and solutions to be discussed. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs by using linking words or phrases. A well-structured essay typically includes an introduction, body paragraphs addressing each point separately, and a conclusion summarizing the main ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for readability and clarity. However, there are issues with paragraph structure and coherence. For instance, the first paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence, making it less effective in conveying the main idea. Additionally, the second paragraph could be further developed to provide more detailed explanations and examples.
    • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by including a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main idea. Develop each paragraph with supporting details and examples to enhance coherence and depth of analysis. Consider dividing the second paragraph into two or more paragraphs to address each solution separately, providing a more focused discussion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay makes some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of cohesive devices used and ensuring their effective integration. For instance, while some linking words and phrases are used (e.g., "to begin with," "another factor"), they could be employed more consistently and varied for better coherence.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in addition"), and pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"). Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to guide the reader through the logical progression of ideas and improve overall coherence. Additionally, consider revising sentence structures to enhance clarity and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some variation in word choice evident. For instance, terms like "deterioration," "availability," "sedentary," "initiatives," and "recreational facilities" contribute to a varied lexical repertoire. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further to enhance the depth of expression and avoid repetition.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more precise and nuanced vocabulary where applicable. For instance, instead of repeatedly using terms like "problems" or "solutions," explore synonyms or related terms such as "challenges," "issues," "remedies," or "strategies." Additionally, integrating domain-specific terminology related to health, nutrition, and fitness can enrich the vocabulary pool and add sophistication to the discussion.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, phrases like "promote healthy eating habits," "reduce their intake," and "encouraging employees to provide opportunities for physical activity" exhibit fairly precise vocabulary usage. However, imprecise language is also evident, such as "What approach is to promote" which lacks precision and clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for consistently precise vocabulary usage by carefully selecting words that accurately convey the intended meaning. Replace vague or ambiguous phrases with more specific alternatives. For example, instead of "What approach is to promote," consider rephrasing it as "One

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. For instance, the essay predominantly utilizes simple sentences or simple sentence structures, which could limit the sophistication of expression and depth of analysis. Complex sentences are less frequent, and their incorporation could enhance the coherence and complexity of ideas presented.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should aim to incorporate a more diverse array of sentence types, including compound-complex sentences and varying sentence lengths. Introducing clauses, phrases, and transitions would help to connect ideas more effectively and create a smoother flow of thought. Additionally, employing rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion could add stylistic flair and engage the reader more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of inaccuracies and inconsistencies throughout the text. For example, there are several instances of missing or misplaced punctuation marks, such as commas and periods, which affect the clarity and coherence of the writing. Additionally, there are some errors in subject-verb agreement and word choice, leading to occasional awkward phrasing.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should focus on proofreading their work meticulously, paying close attention to punctuation rules and grammatical structures. Reviewing grammar guides or seeking feedback from peers or instructors could help identify common errors and areas for improvement. Additionally, practicing writing exercises specifically targeting grammar and punctuation would reinforce understanding and proficiency in these areas. Finally, revising sentences for clarity and conciseness would help enhance overall readability and effectiveness.

Bài sửa mẫu

To commence, there are various factors contributing to the decline in health. One primary reason for these issues is the greater availability of processed and high-calorie foods, which are often less expensive and more convenient than healthier options. The proliferation of fast food chains and convenience outlets has facilitated regular consumption of high-calorie meals. Another factor is the reduction in physical activity levels, attributable to sedentary work environments and a lack of opportunities for exercise in daily routines. For instance, many individuals spend prolonged periods seated in front of computers or televisions, leading to weight gain and other health complications.

To tackle these issues, several measures can be implemented. One approach is to promote healthy eating habits through educational campaigns and public awareness initiatives. This entails encouraging people to consume more fruits and vegetables, decrease their consumption of processed and high-calorie foods, and opt for healthier alternatives when dining out. Another strategy is to encourage physical activity through various means, such as constructing more parks and recreational facilities, encouraging employers to offer opportunities for physical activity during work hours, and promoting active transportation options like cycling or walking.

Bài viết liên quan

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này