many working people do not have enough free time off with spend with their families and friends. Why What are the effects on family life and society

many working people do not have enough free time off with spend with their families and friends.
Why
What are the effects on family life and society

It is indisputable that many working people do not have enough free time off with their families and friends. This problem can be ascribed to a number of factors and I am convinced that some effects on family life and society.

There are two main reasons why people who are currently in the workforce find spending time with families and friends a luxury they can not afford. One primary factor contributing to this problem is that the work environment has growth more competitive. Now a day, employees often have to sacrifice their free time to catch up with the workflow, which blurs the boundaries between work and personal life. This case for those who are younger and career-driven in large. This is coupled by the fact that increasing living costs makes it difficult to control the expenses such as food, housing or entertainment by oneself.

It is undeniable that people have less time for their family and friends, which affects both family life and society. When people spend more time building their career result in the gap among family members becomes larger, which may cause misunderstanding in the family and potential conflicts, even divorces in bad cases. The deterioration of family and other relationship societies could contribute to numerous social problems. For example, when parents have less time to educate, take care of their children, which makes those offspring become more vulnerable in front of toxic people from media consumption or bad friends, even violence and crime.

In conclusion, busy schedules are rooted in the competitive environments and increasing living costs and I am convinced that this phenomenon has a number of negative effects on family and society.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Now a day" -> "Nowadays"
Explanation: "Nowadays" is the correct adverb to use when referring to the present time, whereas "now a day" is incorrect. It maintains the formal tone and clarity of the sentence.
"career-driven in large" -> "career-oriented, especially among the younger demographic"
Explanation: "Career-driven" is acceptable, but "career-oriented" is slightly more formal. Additionally, "in large" should be rephrased to "especially among the younger demographic" for clarity and precision.
"increasing living costs makes it difficult" -> "the rising cost of living makes it increasingly challenging"
Explanation: "Increasing living costs" should be changed to "the rising cost of living" for grammatical correctness. "Makes it difficult" can be enhanced to "makes it increasingly challenging" for a more sophisticated expression.
"result in the gap among family members becomes larger" -> "result in widening gaps among family members"
Explanation: This change simplifies the sentence structure while maintaining clarity and coherence. "Becomes larger" is replaced with "widening," which is more precise and concise.
"misunderstanding in the family and potential conflicts, even divorces in bad cases" -> "misunderstandings within families, leading to potential conflicts, and in extreme cases, divorces"
Explanation: The suggested revision provides a clearer and more structured expression. Additionally, "in bad cases" is replaced with "in extreme cases" for a more formal tone.
"The deterioration of family and other relationship societies" -> "The deterioration of family and societal relationships"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more concise and grammatically correct. "Other" is unnecessary and "societies" should be changed to "societal relationships" for clarity and accuracy.
"For example, when parents have less time to educate, take care of their children" -> "For example, when parents have less time for educating and caring for their children"
Explanation: The revision improves the parallel structure and clarity of the sentence. "Take care of their children" is replaced with "caring for their children" for a more formal tone.
"which makes those offspring become more vulnerable in front of toxic people from media consumption or bad friends, even violence and crime" -> "resulting in their children being more susceptible to negative influences such as media consumption, negative peer pressure, and even involvement in violence and crime"
Explanation: The revised sentence provides a clearer and more detailed explanation of the consequences. It replaces colloquial expressions like "toxic people" and "bad friends" with more formal terms like "negative peer pressure" and "involvement in violence and crime."
"In conclusion, busy schedules are rooted in the competitive environments and increasing living costs" -> "In conclusion, busy schedules are primarily influenced by competitive environments and the escalating cost of living"
Explanation: The suggested revision maintains the formal tone and clarity of the conclusion. "Rooted in" is replaced with "influenced by" for a more precise expression. Additionally, "increasing living costs" is modified to "the escalating cost of living" for added emphasis.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the issue of insufficient time for family and friends among working individuals, discusses the reasons behind it, and outlines its effects on both family life and society.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, ensure that each point made is directly linked to the prompt. Provide specific examples or statistics to illustrate the impact of time constraints on family dynamics and societal structures.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that the lack of free time for working individuals has detrimental effects on both family life and society. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction and reinforcing it in each body paragraph. This can help guide the reader and reinforce the coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports its ideas adequately. It discusses the reasons behind the time constraints faced by working individuals and elaborates on the effects on family dynamics and societal issues.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, provide more in-depth analysis and examples to bolster each point. Additionally, consider incorporating counterarguments and refutations to demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic by addressing the impact of limited free time on family life and society. However, there are some minor instances where the discussion could be more focused.
- How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus on the topic, avoid generalizations and ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central theme. Additionally, critically evaluate each point to determine its relevance to the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates its ideas. To further improve, focus on providing specific examples, reinforcing the clarity of the thesis, and maintaining a consistent focus on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at logical organization by introducing the problem in the first paragraph, providing reasons in the second paragraph, and discussing effects in the third. However, transitions between these sections could be smoother to enhance coherence. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons to effects could be more seamless to ensure the reader follows the progression of ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "Furthermore," or "Moreover," can signal a shift in focus and improve the flow between sections.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize ideas, but some paragraphs could be more focused and developed. For instance, the second paragraph combines two reasons without a clear separation, which may confuse the reader. Additionally, the concluding paragraph could be more distinct to summarize the main points effectively.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea or reason, providing adequate explanation and examples to support it. Consider revising the second paragraph to separate the two reasons for clarity. In the concluding paragraph, restate the main points concisely to reinforce the essay’s argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this problem," "these factors") and conjunctions ("because," "which"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices to create stronger connections between ideas. Additionally, the repetition of phrases like "this problem" could be reduced for variety.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "in addition," "on the other hand") to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Also, vary the vocabulary to avoid repetitive phrases and enhance coherence. Consider using synonyms or rephrasing to maintain clarity while reducing redundancy.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score forBand Score for LexBand Score for LexicalBand Score for Lexical ResourceBand Score for Lexical Resource:Band Score for Lexical Resource: Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6