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In some countries today, many people decide to have their first child when they are older. What are the reasons? Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries today, many people decide to have their first child when they are older. What are the reasons? Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In many nations these days, there is a tendency for people to have their first child later in their lives. This essay will delve deeper into the reasons why individuals make a decision like this. From my perspective, although some regard this phenomenon as negative, I believe that this trend has more merits.
There are several contributing factors leading to this phenomenon. Firstly, having a child late facilitates people to pursue their careers effectively. Individuals without a child do not need to endure child-caring responsibilities such as caring for their children and spending time playing with them. Therefore, people can reduce their burdens and are able to focus on their careers which helps them secure a living standard and have more chances to climb on their promotion ladder. Moreover, some people are more likely to vantage their youth duration to delve into their passion, travel around the world to explore new experiences and pursue higher education rather than raising their children. Thus, having a child when getting older gives people an opportunity to explore themselves and enjoy their adolescent period.
This trend causes some drawbacks to society. Having the first child when people are older is a key factor contributing to the old population, leading to increasing the labor force for a nation in the near future. In Japan, for instance, the old population in this country results in a lack of young employees working in companies so it is hard for these companies to maintain productivity afterward. Furthermore, an infant who is born from an old individual is more likely to suffer from many inherited and hereditary diseases than other ones. Deformed toddlers will increase leading to a negative impact on their own lives as well as society. However, people reap more benefits from this trend. With a sustainable career and the ability to cover most living costs, having children at a later stage of life allows those individuals to provide their daughters or sons with better conditions. Children brought up in such families have more opportunities to access high-quality education, medical treatments, and recreational activities. As a result, these advantages help children become well-rounded individuals.
In conclusion, while many people argue that the decision to have a first child later in life brings numerous merits, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. This statement depends on personal perspective and preferences


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there is a tendency for people to have their first child later in their lives" -> "there is a trend for individuals to postpone having their first child"
    Explanation: Replacing "later in their lives" with "postpone having their first child" maintains formality and precision, offering a more sophisticated expression of the trend.

  2. "This essay will delve deeper into the reasons why individuals make a decision like this" -> "This essay will explore the factors influencing individuals to make such decisions"
    Explanation: Replacing "delve deeper into" with "explore" and "make a decision like this" with "make such decisions" adds formality and clarity to the sentence.

  3. "From my perspective, although some regard this phenomenon as negative, I believe that this trend has more merits" -> "From my perspective, despite some viewing this phenomenon negatively, I contend that the benefits of this trend outweigh its drawbacks"
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision by using "contend" instead of "believe" and by expressing the opposition as "viewing this phenomenon negatively."

  4. "There are several contributing factors leading to this phenomenon" -> "Several contributing factors underlie this phenomenon"
    Explanation: Replacing "leading to" with "underlie" adds a more sophisticated and precise tone to the sentence.

  5. "Individuals without a child do not need to endure child-caring responsibilities such as caring for their children and spending time playing with them" -> "Childless individuals are spared the responsibilities of child-rearing, including both physical care and recreational engagement"
    Explanation: This revision introduces more formal language and specifies the responsibilities involved in child-rearing.

  6. "Therefore, people can reduce their burdens and are able to focus on their careers which helps them secure a living standard and have more chances to climb on their promotion ladder" -> "This allows individuals to alleviate their burdens, enabling a concentrated focus on their careers, thereby enhancing their living standards and increasing opportunities for career advancement"
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve precision and formality while maintaining coherence and clarity.

  7. "Moreover, some people are more likely to vantage their youth duration to delve into their passion, travel around the world to explore new experiences and pursue higher education rather than raising their children" -> "Furthermore, some individuals are inclined to leverage their youthful years to pursue their passions, engage in global travel for new experiences, and pursue higher education, rather than embracing parental responsibilities"
    Explanation: The revised sentence offers more formal and precise language, avoiding the informal "delve into" and replacing it with "leverage."

  8. "having a child when getting older" -> "having a child at an advanced age"
    Explanation: The suggested change replaces colloquial language with a more formal expression.

  9. "This trend causes some drawbacks to society" -> "This trend poses certain drawbacks for society"
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances formality and precision in describing the negative aspects of the trend.

  10. "Deformed toddlers will increase leading to a negative impact on their own lives as well as society" -> "The prevalence of infants with deformities will rise, resulting in adverse effects on both their individual lives and society"
    Explanation: The revision provides a more formal and clear expression, avoiding the use of "increase leading to" and offering a direct connection between the cause and effect.

  11. "While many people argue that the decision to have a first child later in life brings numerous merits" -> "While some argue that postponing the decision to have a first child in life yields numerous benefits"
    Explanation: The suggested change introduces more formal language and specifies "postponing the decision" for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "This essay will delve deeper into the reasons why individuals make a decision like this. From my perspective, although some regard this phenomenon as negative, I believe that this trend has more merits."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction adequately states the writer’s perspective but lacks a clear outline of the main points to be discussed. To enhance clarity, consider explicitly mentioning the reasons supporting the decision to have a child later in life. For example, highlight career development and personal exploration as key points in the introduction.
    • Improved example: "This essay will explore the reasons behind the growing trend of delaying parenthood. From my perspective, while some criticize this choice, I firmly believe that the advantages of having a child later in life, such as enhanced career prospects and personal exploration, outweigh the perceived disadvantages."
  2. Quoted text: "Having the first child when people are older is a key factor contributing to the old population, leading to increasing the labor force for a nation in the near future."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The idea presented here is somewhat unclear. It appears there might be a misunderstanding, as having a child later would likely decrease the immediate workforce. To improve, clarify the point by explaining how an aging population impacts the workforce in the long run, considering retirement and a reduced pool of younger workers.
    • Improved example: "Delaying childbirth contributes to an aging population, potentially affecting the workforce in the long term as older individuals retire, and there is a smaller pool of younger individuals entering the job market."
  3. Quoted text: "Furthermore, an infant who is born from an old individual is more likely to suffer from many inherited and hereditary diseases than other ones. Deformed toddlers will increase leading to a negative impact on their own lives as well as society."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The use of terms like "deformed toddlers" might be considered insensitive. Consider using more neutral language to discuss potential health risks associated with older parents. Additionally, it would be beneficial to provide specific examples or evidence supporting the claim about increased health risks.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, children born to older parents may face a higher risk of inherited diseases. Providing concrete examples or statistics on specific health risks associated with advanced parental age would strengthen your argument."
  4. Quoted text: "In conclusion, while many people argue that the decision to have a first child later in life brings numerous merits, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. This statement depends on personal perspective and preferences."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion is clear in expressing the writer’s opinion, but it lacks a concise summary of the main points discussed in the essay. Consider summarizing the key reasons supporting the decision to have a child later in life and briefly reiterating why these outweigh the drawbacks.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, the benefits of delaying parenthood, such as enhanced career opportunities and personal growth, outweigh the potential drawbacks. This perspective is subjective and depends on individual preferences, but considering the advantages discussed, it becomes evident that delaying childbirth can lead to a more fulfilling and well-rounded life."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s perspective. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the reasons for having a child later in life and discusses both advantages and disadvantages. The essay maintains a coherent flow of ideas, providing a well-structured argument.

The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Transitions between ideas are smooth, and the writer effectively uses cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs. The essay successfully presents a central topic within each paragraph, enhancing clarity and cohesion.

Paragraphing is generally sufficient and appropriate. Each paragraph contains a clear main idea, and the overall organization of the essay contributes to a cohesive presentation. However, there could be a more balanced development of the advantages and disadvantages in the body paragraphs to enhance coherence further.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider providing a more balanced treatment of advantages and disadvantages in each body paragraph. Ensure that the organization of ideas within paragraphs is consistently logical. Additionally, pay attention to maintaining a consistent tone and level of formality throughout the essay to further strengthen cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is a variety of words and expressions used throughout the essay, and the writer attempts to incorporate less common lexical items. The awareness of style and collocation is evident, contributing to a coherent and well-developed argument. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, such as "vantage" instead of "utilize" and "adolescent period" instead of "youthful period." Additionally, some sentences could benefit from more sophisticated phrasing to elevate the overall lexical resource.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance precision: Choose words more carefully to ensure they precisely convey the intended meaning. For instance, replace "vantage" with "utilize" for a clearer expression.
  2. Sophistication in phrasing: Aim for more sophisticated sentence structures and expressions to elevate the overall lexical resource. This can be achieved by using more advanced vocabulary and varying sentence lengths.
  3. Proofread for accuracy: Carefully review the essay to catch and rectify any errors in word choice, spelling, or word formation. This will contribute to a smoother, more polished presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, including the use of subordinate clauses and diverse sentence forms. There is a good control of grammar and punctuation, with frequent error-free sentences. However, some errors in grammar and punctuation are present but do not significantly impact communication. The essay effectively explores the reasons for having a first child later in life and presents a balanced view of the advantages and disadvantages.

How to improve: While the essay showcases a commendable range of structures, pay closer attention to sentence clarity and precision. Ensure that complex structures enhance rather than obscure the meaning. Additionally, proofread to minimize the occurrence of minor errors in grammar and punctuation, aiming for a smoother and more polished presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

In various nations nowadays, there is a growing inclination for individuals to delay having their first child until later in life. This essay will delve deeper into the reasons behind this decision. From my viewpoint, despite some perceiving this trend negatively, I contend that the advantages of this phenomenon outweigh its drawbacks.

Several contributing factors underlie this trend. Firstly, postponing the decision to have a child allows individuals to more effectively pursue their careers. Those without children are spared the responsibilities of child-rearing, including both physical care and recreational engagement. Consequently, individuals can alleviate their burdens, concentrating on their careers and enhancing their living standards with increased opportunities for career advancement. Moreover, some individuals are inclined to leverage their youthful years to pursue passions, engage in global travel for new experiences, and pursue higher education rather than embracing parental responsibilities. Therefore, having a child at an advanced age provides people an opportunity to explore themselves and enjoy their adolescent period.

However, this trend poses certain drawbacks for society. The prevalence of infants with deformities may rise, resulting in adverse effects on both their individual lives and society. While some argue that postponing the decision to have a first child in life yields numerous benefits, it’s crucial to acknowledge the potential negative consequences on the health of the offspring.

In conclusion, while some view the decision to have a first child later in life negatively, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. This perspective depends on personal preferences and priorities.

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