In some countries today, people are having their first child when they are older. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries in recent years, more and more people want to have their first child when they are older. From my point of view, this choice has more positives than negatives.
On the one hand, there are some disadvantages when a couple interrupts childbirth. Delaying parenthood can increase the proportion of some hereditary diseases in children such as down syndrome, Turner's disease and so on. In addition, having a first child when they are too young can make parents more stressed, they have to face work pressure at company and have to take care of their child and there is no space for them to recharge their battery. It is not only not good for parents but also harmful for the growth of their child.
On the other hand, I strongly believe that the advantages of delaying parenthood outweighs the disadvantages. Having a first child when they get a lot of experience in life can help childcare become easier than when they are too young. Not only that, some couples marry and have children when they are young so their financial ability may not be good enough to bring up their child. For instance, in Vietnam, there are a lot of youths who marry when they just graduate university or high school while at this time, they do not even have a job to feed themselves. So having children when the financial ability is stable can help bring up their children become easier.
In conclusion, while interrupting parenthood has disadvantages, such as , I am convinced that for the best for children, delaying parenthood is more important.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In many countries in recent years" -> "In numerous countries over recent years"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise and formal than "many," and "over recent years" is a more academic way to express a time period.
"more and more people want to have their first child" -> "an increasing number of individuals desire to have their first child"
Explanation: "An increasing number of individuals" is more formal and precise than "more and more people," which is somewhat colloquial.
"this choice has more positives than negatives" -> "this decision presents more advantages than disadvantages"
Explanation: "Presents" is more formal than "has," and "advantages" and "disadvantages" are more specific and academically appropriate than "positives" and "negatives."
"there are some disadvantages when a couple interrupts childbirth" -> "there are certain drawbacks associated with delaying childbirth"
Explanation: "Drawbacks" is more specific and formal than "disadvantages," and "delaying" is more accurate than "interrupts," which is incorrect in this context.
"Delaying parenthood can increase the proportion of some hereditary diseases" -> "Delayed parenthood may increase the incidence of certain hereditary conditions"
Explanation: "Delayed" is more precise than "Delaying," and "incidence" is more specific than "proportion," and "conditions" is more formal than "diseases."
"having a first child when they are too young can make parents more stressed" -> "having a first child at a young age can increase parental stress"
Explanation: "At a young age" is more formal and precise than "when they are too young," and "increase parental stress" is a more formal expression than "make parents more stressed."
"they have to face work pressure at company" -> "they must contend with work pressures at their workplace"
Explanation: "Must contend with" is more formal than "have to face," and "workplace" is more specific than "company."
"there is no space for them to recharge their battery" -> "they have no opportunity to recharge their energies"
Explanation: "Recharge their energies" is a more formal and appropriate phrase than "recharge their battery," which is colloquial.
"It is not only not good for parents but also harmful for the growth of their child" -> "This is detrimental not only to the parents but also to the child’s development"
Explanation: "Detrimental" is more precise and formal than "not good," and "child’s development" is more specific than "growth of their child."
"Having a first child when they get a lot of experience in life" -> "Having a first child after gaining significant life experience"
Explanation: "After gaining significant life experience" is more formal and precise than "when they get a lot of experience in life."
"some couples marry and have children when they are young so their financial ability may not be good enough" -> "some couples marry and have children at a young age, potentially compromising their financial readiness"
Explanation: "At a young age" is more formal than "when they are young," and "potentially compromising their financial readiness" is more precise and formal than "may not be good enough."
"So having children when the financial ability is stable can help bring up their children become easier" -> "Thus, having children when financial stability is established can facilitate easier child-rearing"
Explanation: "Thus" is more formal than "So," and "facilitate easier child-rearing" is more precise and formal than "help bring up their children become easier."
"interrupting parenthood has disadvantages, such as" -> "delaying parenthood has disadvantages, such as"
Explanation: "Delaying" is the correct term in this context, not "interrupting."
"for the best for children" -> "for the benefit of children"
Explanation: "For the benefit of" is a more formal and precise phrase than "for the best for."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of having children at an older age. The author acknowledges the disadvantages, such as increased risks of hereditary diseases and the stress of young parenthood. However, the response could be more balanced, as it spends more time discussing the advantages without fully exploring the disadvantages in depth. The mention of hereditary diseases is brief and lacks sufficient elaboration, which could leave the reader wanting more information on this critical aspect.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should aim for a more balanced exploration of both sides. This could involve expanding on the disadvantages with more examples or statistics and ensuring that each point is given equal weight. Additionally, providing a clearer comparison of the advantages and disadvantages would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of delaying parenthood outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is consistently maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding statement. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to reinforce the position more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument more fluidly. For example, explicitly stating how the advantages directly counter the disadvantages would reinforce the position. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in each paragraph could help maintain focus.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of experience and financial stability when having children later in life. However, some ideas lack depth and supporting evidence. For instance, while the author mentions financial stability, there are no specific examples or data to illustrate how this impacts child-rearing positively. The argument about stress in young parents is also somewhat vague and could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. Incorporating statistics or studies related to the benefits of older parenthood or the challenges faced by younger parents would add credibility and depth to the argument. Additionally, expanding on each point with real-life examples or anecdotes could make the essay more engaging and persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of delaying parenthood. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, particularly when addressing the stress of young parents without directly linking it back to the main argument about the advantages and disadvantages of older parenthood.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages of delaying parenthood outweigh the disadvantages. This could involve revisiting the main argument at the beginning of each paragraph and ensuring all examples and explanations tie back to this central theme.

By addressing these areas, the essay could potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing disadvantages to advantages is somewhat abrupt. The phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the connection between the two ideas could be more explicit. The argument about the disadvantages of delaying parenthood is not fully developed, and the essay could benefit from a clearer linkage between the points made.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, after discussing the disadvantages, you could summarize the key points before moving to the advantages. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through your argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the second paragraph, which discusses disadvantages, could be more focused. It introduces multiple ideas (hereditary diseases and parental stress) but does not delve deeply into any one point. The paragraph could benefit from a more structured approach, perhaps by dedicating a sentence to each disadvantage and providing examples or further explanation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider using the "PEEL" method (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link). Start each paragraph with a clear point, provide evidence or examples to support it, explain the significance of this evidence, and link back to the overall argument. This will help ensure that each paragraph is cohesive and contributes effectively to the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied language to enhance cohesion. For example, phrases like "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition" could be used to introduce supporting points, while "Conversely" or "Nevertheless" could effectively contrast ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, practice using a wider range of linking words and phrases. Create a list of cohesive devices categorized by their function (addition, contrast, cause and effect, etc.) and try to incorporate them into your writing. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately; for instance, the phrase "such as" in the conclusion is used incorrectly as it suggests a list that is not provided.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "hereditary diseases," "financial ability," and "recharge their battery." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrases "delaying parenthood" and "first child" are used multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "delaying parenthood," alternatives like "postponing childbirth" or "deferring parenthood" could be employed. Additionally, using a broader range of adjectives and adverbs would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "hereditary diseases," which is appropriate in the context. However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "interrupt childbirth," which is not a commonly used phrase. The phrase "recharge their battery" is also informal and may not be suitable for an academic essay.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should opt for more formal and commonly accepted terms. For example, instead of "interrupt childbirth," a more accurate phrase could be "delay childbirth." Additionally, replacing informal expressions like "recharge their battery" with "take time for self-care" would enhance the formality and clarity of the essay.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays correct spelling, with no significant errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "Turner’s disease" which should be capitalized consistently, and "youths" which could be more accurately referred to as "young people" in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying attention to capitalization and the context in which certain terms are used. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify and correct any overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, using more precise language, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can elevate their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "Delaying parenthood can increase the proportion of some hereditary diseases in children such as down syndrome, Turner’s disease and so on" effectively uses a complex structure to convey a clear idea. However, there are instances where sentence structures are repetitive, particularly in the use of "having" and "when they are," which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, conditional clauses, and relative clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "Having," the writer could use phrases like "By waiting to have children," or "When couples choose to delay parenthood," to create more dynamic sentence openings. Additionally, integrating more complex sentences that combine ideas could enhance the overall flow and sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "the advantages of delaying parenthood outweighs the disadvantages" should use "outweigh" instead of "outweighs" to agree with the plural subject "advantages." Additionally, punctuation issues are present, such as the incorrect placement of commas in "such as , I am convinced that for the best for children," which disrupts the flow of the sentence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that plural subjects are matched with plural verbs. Regularly reviewing common grammatical rules and practicing with exercises can help solidify these concepts. For punctuation, it would be beneficial to study the rules regarding comma placement, especially in lists and before conjunctions. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for corrections before final submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation skills will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries in recent years, an increasing number of individuals desire to have their first child when they are older. From my point of view, this choice presents more advantages than disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are certain drawbacks associated with delaying childbirth. Delayed parenthood may increase the incidence of some hereditary diseases in children, such as Down syndrome and Turner syndrome. In addition, having a first child at a young age can increase parental stress, as they must contend with work pressures at their workplace while also taking care of their child, leaving them with no opportunity to recharge their energies. This is detrimental not only to the parents but also to the child’s development.

On the other hand, I strongly believe that the advantages of delaying parenthood outweigh the disadvantages. Having a first child after gaining significant life experience can make childcare easier than when parents are too young. Not only that, some couples marry and have children at a young age, potentially compromising their financial readiness. For instance, in Vietnam, there are many youths who marry right after graduating from university or high school, and at this time, they do not even have a job to support themselves. Thus, having children when financial stability is established can facilitate easier child-rearing.

In conclusion, while delaying parenthood has disadvantages, such as an increased risk of hereditary conditions, I am convinced that for the benefit of children, delaying parenthood is more important.