In some countries, university students live at home, while in other countries, university students go to other cities rather than live with their family. Do you think the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries, university students live at home, while in other countries, university students go to other cities rather than live with their family.
Do you think the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages?

Some university students stay with their parents, while other students during academic pursuits live far away from their families, such as in other cities. This essay is to pinpoint both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon. Personally, I concur that its benefits are more significant.

On the one hand, living in a distant area for a student's family has several drawbacks. First, students easily become homesick and desperately miss friends and families. This feeling can mushroom if they get some problems when integrating into a new environment. As a result, they can feel a deep sense of alienation which affects their mental health and leads to deterioration in academic results. Moreover, living without family care makes pupils have less time to concentrate on their study, because they have to spend time occupied doing miscellaneous minor things like cleaning and cooking. For example, students residing with family are not anxious about household chores because their parents will do it. Hence, they can spend their total energy to do research at university.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned determinants of disadvantages from not living with family when enrolling in university. I believe that its benefits are crucial. Staying far from parents is a priority method to be more independent. This is because they are forced to shoulder all trivial things,perhaps housework and solve daily problems. Furthermore, contacting many types of people helps students gain more experiences from others. They also have opportunities to explore new culture and architecture around the nation and the world. That would be beneficial for them to be open-minded with more multidimensional perspectives. Compared to some students who just permanently stick to one place and refuse to step out and discover the world, it is nearly unachievable.

In conclusion, while the disadvantages of staying in an isolated area from families are undeniable, it is my assertion that the advantages are more than for the disadvantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some university students stay with their parents, while other students during academic pursuits live far away from their families" -> "Some university students reside with their parents, whereas others pursue academic endeavors in distant locations from their families"
   Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies the contrast between students who live with their parents and those who do not, using "reside" and "pursue academic endeavors" to enhance formality and precision.

2. "This essay is to pinpoint both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon." -> "This essay aims to elucidate both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon."
   Explanation: "Aims to elucidate" is more precise and formal than "is to pinpoint," aligning better with academic writing standards.

3. "living in a distant area for a student’s family" -> "students living in distant locations"
   Explanation: Simplifying the phrase removes redundancy and improves clarity, making the sentence more direct and formal.

4. "easily become homesick and desperately miss friends and families" -> "are likely to experience homesickness and deeply miss their friends and families"
   Explanation: "Are likely to experience" is more academically appropriate than "easily become," and "deeply miss" is more formal than "desperately miss," which can be seen as overly emotional for academic writing.

5. "This feeling can mushroom if they get some problems when integrating into a new environment" -> "This feeling can intensify if they encounter difficulties during the integration process"
   Explanation: "Intensify" is more precise than "mushroom," which is colloquial and metaphorical. "Encounter difficulties during the integration process" is clearer and more formal than "get some problems when integrating into a new environment."

6. "living without family care makes pupils have less time to concentrate on their study" -> "living without family support reduces the time available for academic focus"
   Explanation: "Living without family support" is more precise than "living without family care," and "reduces the time available for academic focus" is more formal and specific than "makes pupils have less time to concentrate on their study."

7. "because they have to spend time occupied doing miscellaneous minor things like cleaning and cooking" -> "because they must allocate time to perform tasks such as cleaning and cooking"
   Explanation: "Must allocate time to perform tasks" is more formal and precise than "have to spend time occupied doing miscellaneous minor things," which is informal and vague.

8. "Notwithstanding the aforementioned determinants of disadvantages" -> "Despite the aforementioned disadvantages"
   Explanation: "Despite the aforementioned disadvantages" is more direct and formal, avoiding the awkward construction "determinants of disadvantages."

9. "Staying far from parents is a priority method to be more independent" -> "Living away from parents is a crucial method for achieving independence"
   Explanation: "Living away from parents" is clearer and more direct than "Staying far from parents," and "a crucial method for achieving independence" is more formal and precise than "a priority method to be more independent."

10. "perhaps housework and solve daily problems" -> "including household chores and addressing daily challenges"
    Explanation: "Including household chores and addressing daily challenges" is more specific and formal than "perhaps housework and solve daily problems," which is vague and informal.

11. "open-minded with more multidimensional perspectives" -> "more open-minded with a broader range of perspectives"
    Explanation: "More open-minded with a broader range of perspectives" is grammatically correct and more formal than "open-minded with more multidimensional perspectives," which is awkward and unclear.

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the benefits and disadvantages of living away from home, which is essential for responding to the prompt. The author mentions homesickness and the challenges of adapting to a new environment as disadvantages, while independence and exposure to new experiences are highlighted as benefits. However, the discussion could be more balanced; the disadvantages are elaborated upon more than the advantages, which may lead to an incomplete exploration of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should aim for a more balanced treatment of both sides. This could involve providing more detailed examples and explanations for the benefits of living away from home, ensuring that both aspects are equally represented in terms of depth and analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The author’s position is clear in favor of the advantages of living away from home, as stated in the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother. The phrase "Notwithstanding the aforementioned determinants of disadvantages" feels somewhat abrupt and could confuse the reader aboutthe author’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity, the author should use clearer transitional phrases that reinforce their position. For instance, instead of "Notwithstanding," a phrase like "On the other hand" could be more effective. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the body paragraphs can help reinforce the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas, such as homesickness and independence, but some points lack sufficient development. For example, while the author mentions that living away fosters independence, there is little elaboration on how this independence translates into practical skills or personal growth.
  • How to improve: The author should aim to extend ideas with specific examples and further explanations. For instance, they could elaborate on how managing household tasks develops life skills or how interacting with diverse individuals enhances social skills. This would provide a stronger foundation for the arguments presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits and disadvantages of living away from home. However, the phrase "it is nearly unachievable" in the context of students who do not explore the world is vague and could detract from the main argument, as it introduces an unclear comparison that does not directly relate to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should avoid vague statements and ensure that all comparisons made are directly relevant to the topic. Clarifying how the experiences gained from living away contribute to personal development would strengthen the argument and keep the essay tightly aligned with the prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, improvements can be made in balancing the discussion, elaborating on ideas, and maintaining clarity throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized into distinct sections discussing disadvantages and advantages, which aids in logical progression. However, the transition between the two main points could be more fluid. For example, the phrase "Notwithstanding the aforementioned determinants of disadvantages" feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition that ties back to the previous paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more seamlessly. For instance, after discussing the disadvantages, you might say, "Despite these challenges, there are significant advantages to living away from home." This would create a clearer link between the two sections.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with one paragraph dedicated to disadvantages and another to advantages. Each paragraph contains multiple sentences that elaborate on the main idea. However, the first body paragraph could be more focused; it introduces several points that could be better organized or prioritized for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with a sentence like, "Living away from home presents several emotional and practical challenges for students." This would provide a clearer framework for the supporting details that follow.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "moreover," and "furthermore," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For instance, the phrase "living without family care" could be rephrased or varied to maintain reader engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use alternatives like "in addition," "on the contrary," or "conversely" to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeatedly referring to "students," you could use "they" or "these individuals" in subsequent sentences.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but with targeted improvements in transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices, it could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "homesick," "alienation," "independent," and "multidimensional perspectives." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "living far away from their families" is used multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of repeating "living far away," alternatives like "residing in a distant location" or "relocating to another city" could be used. Additionally, using more academic or sophisticated vocabulary can elevate the essay’s overall quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "students easily become homesick and desperately miss friends and families" could be more accurately expressed as "students may experience homesickness and long for the companionship of friends and family." The term "pupils" is also used, which is more commonly associated with younger students rather than university students.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the context and audience when selecting vocabulary. Using terms that are more appropriate for the target demographic (e.g., "university students" instead of "pupils") will improve clarity. Additionally, reviewing phrases for clarity and specificity can help convey ideas more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "perhaps" (written as "perhaps") and "unachievable," which is used inappropriately in context. While the majority of the spelling is accurate, these errors can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and their correct usage in context can build confidence in spelling.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "This feeling can mushroom if they get some problems when integrating into a new environment." However, there is a tendency to rely on simpler structures, such as "students easily become homesick" and "students residing with family are not anxious about household chores." The essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and the incorporation of conditional structures or passive voice to enhance complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, instead of saying "students easily become homesick," you could say, "It is common for students to feel homesick, especially when they are faced with challenges in adapting to a new environment." Additionally, incorporating more transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Consequently" can help to create a smoother flow and connect ideas more effectively.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy overall, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "living in a distant area for a student’s family" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer as "living away from their family." Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as the missing space before "a priority method" and the comma splice in "trivial things,perhaps housework." These errors can disrupt the reader’s understanding and detract from the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. Pay attention to comma usage, ensuring that they are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list. Consider practicing sentence combining exercises to improve fluency and clarity. Additionally, reviewing common grammatical structures and their correct usage can help solidify understanding and application in writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will further enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some university students reside with their parents, whereas others pursue academic endeavors in distant locations from their families, such as in other cities. This essay aims to elucidate both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon. Personally, I concur that the benefits are more significant.

On the one hand, living in a distant area away from a student’s family has several drawbacks. First, students are likely to experience homesickness and deeply miss their friends and families. This feeling can intensify if they encounter difficulties during the integration process. As a result, they may feel a profound sense of alienation, which can negatively impact their mental health and lead to a decline in academic performance. Moreover, living without family support can make it challenging for students to concentrate on their studies, as they must spend time managing various household tasks, such as cleaning and cooking. For example, students residing with their families do not have to worry about these chores because their parents take care of them. Consequently, they can devote their full energy to their academic research at university.

Despite the aforementioned disadvantages of not living with family while attending university, I believe that the benefits are crucial. Living away from parents is an important way to become more independent. This is because students are compelled to handle all the minor responsibilities, such as housework and daily problem-solving. Furthermore, interacting with a diverse range of people allows students to gain valuable experiences from others. They also have opportunities to explore new cultures and architecture both nationally and internationally. This exposure can be beneficial in fostering open-mindedness and providing them with a more multidimensional perspective. In contrast, some students who remain in one place and refuse to venture out may find it nearly impossible to broaden their horizons.

In conclusion, while the disadvantages of living in isolation from families are undeniable, I assert that the advantages outweigh these drawbacks.