In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city.
Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages?

The debates regarding whether or not students should enroll into university in a different city have emerged for recent decades. In my opinion, living away from home during university will have both advantages and disadvantages, however the upsides of this approach are more considerable, and this essay will support my viewpoints by giving explanations and relevant examples.
On one hand, it is undeniable that many students have to face to various challenges, especially in terms of mentality and financial burden when choosing to study away from their home. For one thing, living in a different place during university means many young students may not yet have friends to share with, not to mention to other barriers of unfamiliar food, road, language and cultures, which may make them feeling exhausted and depressed. Furthermore, without families, many young students, might struggle with money problems, when they have to manage funds by themselves. A salient example can be observed in Hanoi, there are several university students often fall into the situations of lacking money at the end of month due to their weak money management skills, such they can not balance the money for food, housing and entertaining. However, at present with the support of technologies, I believe that students have various ways to connect to their home and friends from a distance via smart devices such as phones or computers to ask for the help of financial issues, as well as ease homesickness and other mental issues.
On the other hand, residing away from families can also help to improve young individuals’ independence and become more matured, which greatly impact their life after. First, individuals may start to learn to take care of themselves, compromising simple things such as cooking, and cleaning to the more complex tasks of balancing time between studying and entertaining. Second, the life without the supervision of families would also facilitate them to develop other defense skills. This is because, being different from living at home, in the case of residing in another city, young individuals would have to deal with different types of people from different social status, and including both good and bad ones, all of these experiences will gradually reinforce the abilities to acknowledge what is good and what is bad and protect themselves better. In my opinion, I highly value these advantages given that young students can not live with their parents during the entire life, one day, the life after university is competitive, and not far, young students will have their own families, and without good social skills, they would not protect themselves, not to mention to their sons and daughters.

In conclusion, living away from home during university time has both merits and demerits. Although, the time could be difficult for young students such they may have to suffer from various psychological problems and deal with financial burden, I still encourage this approach due to the benefits it brings of helping students become more independent and sharpening their social essential skills, which are important to their life after university.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "enroll into university" -> "enroll in university"
   Explanation: The correct preposition to use in this context is "in," not "into," as "enroll in" is the standard phrase for enrolling in an educational institution.

2. "have to face to various challenges" -> "face various challenges"
   Explanation: The phrase "have to face to" is redundant and awkward. Simplifying it to "face" improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.

3. "especially in terms of mentality and financial burden" -> "especially in terms of mental and financial challenges"
   Explanation: "Mentalty" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "mental." Additionally, "burden" is somewhat informal and vague; "challenges" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

4. "not yet have friends to share with, not to mention to other barriers" -> "not yet have friends to share with, nor face other barriers"
   Explanation: "Not to mention to" is incorrect; "nor" is the correct conjunction to use in this context to indicate additional items in a list.

5. "which may make them feeling exhausted and depressed" -> "which may leave them feeling exhausted and depressed"
   Explanation: "Make them feeling" is grammatically incorrect; "leave them feeling" is the correct phrase.

6. "might struggle with money problems" -> "may struggle financially"
   Explanation: "Money problems" is informal and vague; "financially" is more precise and formal.

7. "such they can not balance the money for food, housing and entertaining" -> "they may struggle to balance their finances for food, housing, and entertainment"
   Explanation: "Such they can not balance the money" is awkward and incorrect. The revised version is clearer and more formal.

8. "at present with the support of technologies" -> "currently, thanks to technological advancements"
   Explanation: "At present with the support of technologies" is awkward and verbose. "Currently, thanks to technological advancements" is more concise and academically appropriate.

9. "become more matured" -> "become more mature"
   Explanation: "Matured" is the past participle and is incorrectly used here. "Mature" is the correct form needed in this context.

10. "which greatly impact their life after" -> "which significantly impacts their lives after"
    Explanation: "Impact" should be "impacts" to agree with the plural subject "advantages," and "life" should be pluralized to "lives" to match the subject.

11. "compromising simple things such as cooking, and cleaning" -> "compromising tasks such as cooking and cleaning"
    Explanation: "Compromising simple things" is awkward and unclear; "compromising tasks" is more direct and appropriate.

12. "the life without the supervision of families" -> "life without family supervision"
    Explanation: "The life without the supervision of families" is verbose; "life without family supervision" is more concise and formal.

13. "young individuals would have to deal with different types of people from different social status" -> "young individuals would encounter people from diverse social backgrounds"
    Explanation: "Deal with different types of people from different social status" is awkward and unclear. "Encounter people from diverse social backgrounds" is more precise and formal.

14. "not to mention to their sons and daughters" -> "not to mention their children"
    Explanation: "Not to mention to their sons and daughters" is redundant and informal. "Not to mention their children" is more concise and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home during university. The introduction clearly states the writer’s opinion that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. The body paragraphs present challenges such as mental health issues and financial burdens, followed by the advantages of independence and social skills development. However, while both sides are mentioned, the balance could be improved by providing more detailed examples or evidence for the disadvantages.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include more specific examples or statistics related to the challenges faced by students living away from home. Additionally, elaborating on the disadvantages with more depth would provide a more comprehensive analysis, ensuring that all parts of the question are thoroughly explored.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, there are moments where the phrasing could lead to slight ambiguity, such as "however the upsides of this approach are more considerable," which could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To ensure clarity, the writer should use more definitive language when stating their position. Phrases like "I believe" or "in my opinion" can be replaced with stronger assertions. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in each paragraph can help reinforce the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas related to both the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home. The writer provides some support for these ideas, such as the mention of financial struggles and the development of independence. However, the development of these ideas could be more robust, particularly in the discussion of disadvantages, which feels less supported compared to the advantages.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing financial burdens, specific scenarios or statistics could illustrate the point more effectively. Additionally, expanding on how independence translates into real-life skills would strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the pros and cons of living away from home during university. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off course, particularly in the latter part of the second body paragraph where the focus shifts to social skills without a clear connection to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. Using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph can help keep the discussion aligned with the essay prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some enhancements in the areas of support and clarity, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph lists challenges faced by students living away from home, but the ideas are somewhat jumbled. The mention of technology as a solution to homesickness appears abruptly and could be better integrated into the discussion of challenges.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using a clearer topic sentence for each paragraph that outlines the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each point logically follows the previous one. For example, after discussing the challenges, a smoother transition to the benefits of technology could be made by stating how these challenges can be mitigated.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the second body paragraph could be more cohesive. The transition between the discussion of independence and the development of social skills feels abrupt. The ideas within the paragraph could be more tightly linked to reinforce the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that all sentences within the paragraph support that focus. Using linking phrases or sentences at the beginning or end of paragraphs can help connect ideas. For instance, after discussing independence, a sentence could be added to explicitly link this to the development of social skills, such as, "This newfound independence not only fosters self-reliance but also enhances social skills through diverse interactions."

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on one hand" and "on the other hand," to contrast ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For example, the use of conjunctions and transitional phrases is somewhat repetitive, which can detract from the overall fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "however," consider alternatives like "nevertheless," "in contrast," or "on the contrary." Additionally, using phrases such as "furthermore," "moreover," or "in addition" can help to connect related ideas and enhance the flow of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "financial burden," "homesickness," and "independence." However, there are instances where vocabulary choices are somewhat repetitive or lack variation. For example, the phrase "young students" appears multiple times without synonyms or alternatives, which could enhance the lexical diversity of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young students," alternatives like "university attendees," "young adults," or "scholars" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate, such as "financial strain" instead of "financial burden," could elevate the essay’s overall quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its intended meaning, there are moments of imprecision in vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "face to various challenges" should be "face various challenges," as the preposition "to" is unnecessary. Additionally, the phrase "the life without the supervision of families" could be more accurately expressed as "life without parental supervision."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should review their sentences for unnecessary words or incorrect prepositions. A careful proofreading process can help identify these issues. Furthermore, using contextually appropriate phrases, such as "navigating financial responsibilities" instead of "managing funds," would improve clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall professionalism. For instance, "entertaining" should be "entertainment," and "such they can not balance" should be "such that they cannot balance." These errors suggest a lack of attention to detail and can affect the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in thorough proofreading, ideally reading the essay aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing more frequently can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "living away from home during university will have both advantages and disadvantages," which effectively conveys nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "many students" or "young individuals." This limits the overall variety and can make the writing feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different grammatical forms, such as participial phrases or conditional clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting with "many students," the writer could use phrases like "Those who study away from home often…" or "Students living independently may find that…". Additionally, varying the length of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, the phrase "have to face to various challenges" should be corrected to "have to face various challenges." Additionally, the sentence "a salient example can be observed in Hanoi, there are several university students often fall into the situations of lacking money" contains a comma splice and should be restructured for clarity. The use of commas is sometimes inconsistent, such as in "young students, might struggle," where the comma is unnecessary.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review common grammatical structures and their proper usage, particularly focusing on prepositions and conjunctions. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring can help avoid errors like comma splices. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that clauses are correctly linked can significantly improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud may also help identify awkward phrasing or grammatical mistakes that could be easily corrected.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

The debates regarding whether or not students should enroll in university in a different city have emerged in recent decades. In my opinion, living away from home during university has both advantages and disadvantages; however, the upsides of this approach are more considerable. This essay will support my viewpoints by providing explanations and relevant examples.

On one hand, it is undeniable that many students have to face various challenges, especially in terms of mental and financial burdens when choosing to study away from home. For one thing, living in a different place during university means many young students may not yet have friends to share with, nor face other barriers such as unfamiliar food, roads, languages, and cultures, which may leave them feeling exhausted and depressed. Furthermore, without their families, many young students might struggle with financial problems when they have to manage funds by themselves. A salient example can be observed in Hanoi, where several university students often fall into situations of lacking money at the end of the month due to their weak money management skills; thus, they may struggle to balance their finances for food, housing, and entertainment. However, at present, thanks to technological advancements, I believe that students have various ways to connect with their home and friends from a distance via smart devices such as phones or computers to ask for help with financial issues, as well as to ease homesickness and other mental challenges.

On the other hand, residing away from their families can also help to improve young individuals’ independence and help them become more mature, which significantly impacts their lives after university. First, individuals may start to learn to take care of themselves, compromising simple tasks such as cooking and cleaning to the more complex tasks of balancing time between studying and entertainment. Second, life without family supervision would also facilitate the development of other essential skills. This is because, unlike living at home, in the case of residing in another city, young individuals would encounter people from diverse social backgrounds, including both good and bad ones. All of these experiences will gradually reinforce their abilities to recognize what is good and what is bad and protect themselves better. In my opinion, I highly value these advantages, given that young students cannot live with their parents for their entire lives. One day, life after university will be competitive, and not far off, young students will have their own families. Without good social skills, they would not be able to protect themselves, not to mention their children.

In conclusion, living away from home during university has both merits and demerits. Although the time could be difficult for young students, as they may have to suffer from various psychological problems and deal with financial burdens, I still encourage this approach due to the benefits it brings in helping students become more independent and sharpening their essential social skills, which are important for their lives after university.