In some countries, university students live with their families, while in other countries, students choose to study in another city. Do you think there are more benefits to living away from home when studying abroad?

In this day and age, a school of thought holds that it is better for students to live with their family during their educating periods in university, while others claim that there are more advantages for individuals studying overseas. While the former sounds justifiable, I believe going abroad to study would be a fruitful process.
It is understandable why the multitude advocate the idea that students should stay with their families during their academic process. One of the reasons is that they would feel less stressful of financial issues as their parents’ immediate support in terms of tuition fees or living expenses. Students would be also happier as their friends and relationships surrounding, avoiding depression and anxiety. These advantages can help them more focus on more their study at university, properly obtaining their desired academic results. Nonetheless, living with families is likely to make students more dependent, and the result of staying their safe zones might deprive them of opportunities for their personal development such as soft skills in workforce environments or money management while living independently. The lack of these necessary skills could make them reduce their competitive advantages in job markets.
On the other hand, I am convinced that going away from families to have education in another country would be more beneficial for individuals. While it is true that overseas students could struggle with having no closed relationships, they can enlarge their circles of relationships which might bring more various opportunities to them such as job recommendation. Another point to consider is that despite their financial issues for expensive bills consisting of living expenses, fares or tuition fees, they could find a job to reduce these burdens. This process could also help them develop money management skill as well as sharpen their decision-making ability. More importantly, individuals studying overseas would have various chances to obtain novel knowledge including cultures and languages, improving their life experiences. Another essential point is that overseas students after their graduation would have more chances for jobs with handsome salary. This is because in some countries, including Vietnam, international qualifications are appreciated and prioritized as compared to ones in domestic universities. These aforementioned benefits could outweigh their drawbacks.
In conclusion, while some people may advocate the idea that people should live with their family members during their university education as the limits of daily problems while probably enhancing their academic performance, I am still of the opinion that more job opportunities and life skills when individuals live and study abroad would put a rigid fundamental base for their personal development down the road.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat colloquial expression. "Currently" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"a school of thought holds" -> "a prevailing opinion suggests"
Explanation: "A school of thought holds" is somewhat vague and informal. "A prevailing opinion suggests" is more specific and academically appropriate.
"it is better for students to live with their family" -> "it is advantageous for students to reside with their families"
Explanation: "Live with" is informal and imprecise. "Reside with" is more formal and suitable for academic contexts.
"during their educating periods" -> "during their educational periods"
Explanation: "Educating" is not the correct term here; "educational" is the appropriate adjective for describing periods of formal education.
"going abroad to study would be a fruitful process" -> "studying abroad would be a productive endeavor"
Explanation: "Fruitful process" is an idiom and can be seen as informal. "Productive endeavor" is more precise and formal.
"the multitude advocate the idea" -> "many advocate this idea"
Explanation: "The multitude" is an overly dramatic and informal term. "Many" is straightforward and appropriate for academic writing.
"feel less stressful of financial issues" -> "experience less financial stress"
Explanation: "Feel less stressful of financial issues" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Experience less financial stress" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"their friends and relationships surrounding" -> "their friends and social relationships"
Explanation: "Relationships surrounding" is unclear and awkward. "Social relationships" is more precise and appropriate.
"more focus on more their study" -> "greater focus on their studies"
Explanation: "More focus on more their study" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Greater focus on their studies" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"staying their safe zones" -> "remaining in their comfort zones"
Explanation: "Staying their safe zones" is incorrect. "Remaining in their comfort zones" is the correct idiom and is more formal.
"deprive them of opportunities" -> "deprive them of opportunities for"
Explanation: Adding "for" after "opportunities" clarifies the prepositional phrase, making the sentence grammatically correct and clearer.
"reduce their competitive advantages" -> "diminish their competitive advantages"
Explanation: "Reduce" is correct but "diminish" is more precise in this context, emphasizing the negative impact on competitiveness.
"going away from families" -> "moving away from their families"
Explanation: "Going away from families" is informal and vague. "Moving away from their families" is more specific and formal.
"enlarge their circles of relationships" -> "expand their social networks"
Explanation: "Enlarge their circles of relationships" is verbose and informal. "Expand their social networks" is concise and formal.
"novel knowledge including cultures and languages" -> "new knowledge encompassing cultures and languages"
Explanation: "Novel" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing. "New" is more straightforward and appropriate. "Encompassing" is more precise than "including."
"handsome salary" -> "attractive salary"
Explanation: "Handsome" is an adjective typically used to describe physical appearance, not salary. "Attractive" is the correct term for describing a desirable salary.
"put a rigid fundamental base" -> "establish a solid foundation"
Explanation: "Put a rigid fundamental base" is awkward and unclear. "Establish a solid foundation" is clearer and more formal.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives of the prompt: living with family vs. studying abroad. It acknowledges the benefits of living with family (financial support, emotional stability) and contrasts it with the advantages of studying abroad (personal development, job opportunities).
- How to improve: The essay could improve by providing more specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate how each living arrangement affects students. This would strengthen the argument and make the response more nuanced.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance favoring studying abroad throughout, asserting that it offers more benefits despite acknowledging potential drawbacks.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reinforce it in the conclusion, ensuring every paragraph consistently supports this stance without ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, with each paragraph focusing on either the advantages of living with family or studying abroad. Ideas are extended with examples (e.g., financial support, job opportunities) but lack depth in analysis.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into each point, providing more detailed examples and possibly contrasting studies or statistics that highlight the benefits more effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the benefits of living with family versus studying abroad. However, there are moments where the discussion on financial issues somewhat diverts from the main argument.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, ensure that every point made directly contributes to answering the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions, especially if they do not directly support the main argument about the benefits of studying abroad.

This feedback outlines the strengths and areas for improvement in each criterion based on the provided essay. It emphasizes the need for deeper analysis, clearer positioning, and maintaining focus on the topic to enhance overall coherence and argumentative strength.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the argument clearly, discussing both perspectives. Body paragraphs follow a logical progression, discussing advantages of living with family and then contrasting them with advantages of studying abroad. The conclusion restates the thesis and provides a clear opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each body paragraph focuses on a single main idea supported by examples. Transitioning between paragraphs could be smoother; consider using linking words and phrases to improve coherence between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to structure ideas. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the topic (e.g., advantages of living with family, benefits of studying abroad), which helps in organizing the content. However, some paragraphs could be more focused, with clearer topic sentences to guide the reader.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis. Support each topic sentence with specific examples or details from personal experience or research to strengthen the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices such as transition words ("while", "nonetheless", "on the other hand"), pronouns ("these", "this"), and repetition ("advantages"). These devices generally help in linking ideas within and between sentences.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, incorporating more sophisticated linking phrases (e.g., "conversely", "in contrast") and ensuring their appropriate use to maintain coherence. Consider using cohesive devices not only within paragraphs but also between them to create a smoother flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent level of coherence and cohesion appropriate for a band score of 6. To improve further, focus on enhancing the clarity of paragraph structure and the seamless integration of cohesive devices to strengthen the logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary, with varied word choices throughout. For instance, terms like "multitude," "advocate," "deprive," "enlarge," "novel knowledge," and "prioritized" show attempts at using diverse vocabulary to express ideas.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, aim to incorporate more nuanced and precise vocabulary choices. Instead of generic terms like "advantages" and "disadvantages," consider specific synonyms or related terms (e.g., benefits, merits, drawbacks, limitations). This could elevate the sophistication of the argument and demonstrate a deeper mastery of vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to use a range of vocabulary, there are instances where the vocabulary choice could be more precise. For example, phrases like "close relationships" could be replaced with "intimate bonds" or "personal connections." This would sharpen the expression of ideas and avoid potential ambiguity.
- How to improve: Practice identifying opportunities to replace common phrases with more precise vocabulary. Pay attention to subtle differences in meaning and context. Utilize a thesaurus to explore synonyms and refine vocabulary choices for greater clarity and impact.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good, but there are some notable errors such as "multitude" instead of "multitudinous," "more various" instead of "more diverse," and "money management skill" should be "skills." These errors slightly detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: Develop a habit of proofreading carefully for spelling errors. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch common mistakes. Additionally, focus on learning specific spellings for commonly used academic and professional vocabulary to enhance accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong effort in utilizing vocabulary to convey ideas effectively. To achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource, continue expanding your range of vocabulary with precise and contextually appropriate terms. Work on refining spelling accuracy to enhance the clarity and professionalism of your writing. Keep practicing integrating new vocabulary into your essays to improve fluency and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound structures. For instance, phrases such as "While the former sounds justifiable, I believe going abroad to study would be a fruitful process" showcase a mix of clauses and transitions. However, there is a tendency towards repetitive sentence structures in some paragraphs, which limits the essay’s overall structural diversity and impact.
- How to improve: To enhance sentence variety, consider integrating more conditional sentences (e.g., "If students choose to study abroad, they may face initial challenges but gain broader perspectives"). Additionally, employing rhetorical questions or inverted sentence structures could add rhetorical flair and engage the reader further.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical coherence with minimal errors. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be clearer and more precise. For example, in the sentence "These advantages can help them more focus on more their study at university, properly obtaining their desired academic results," there is an issue with parallelism and clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and clearer phrasing to avoid ambiguity. For instance, revise sentences to clearly separate ideas and avoid overly complex constructions. Pay attention to punctuation for better sentence flow and readability, such as using commas to separate clauses effectively.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and punctuation, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity and coherence. These adjustments can elevate the overall quality of expression and better convey the intended arguments.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, there is a prevailing opinion suggesting that it is advantageous for students to reside with their families during their educational periods at university, while others argue that studying abroad would be a productive endeavor. Many advocate this idea, emphasizing that living at home can alleviate financial stress due to immediate parental support for tuition and living expenses. Additionally, staying close to friends and maintaining existing social relationships can foster a greater focus on their studies, leading to desired academic outcomes.

However, remaining in their comfort zones could deprive students of opportunities to develop crucial skills needed for the workforce, such as independence and financial management. This limitation may diminish their competitive advantages in the job market.

On the contrary, I believe that moving away from their families to study abroad offers significant benefits. While it is true that international students may face challenges such as adapting to new environments without familiar relationships, the opportunity to expand their social networks can lead to diverse opportunities, including potential job recommendations. Moreover, managing financial responsibilities like living expenses and tuition fees independently can enhance their skills in money management and decision-making.

Importantly, studying abroad provides exposure to new knowledge encompassing different cultures and languages, enriching their life experiences. Furthermore, international qualifications earned abroad can lead to attractive job opportunities with competitive salaries, especially in countries where such qualifications are highly valued.

In conclusion, while some argue that residing with family members during university education can reduce daily stressors and potentially improve academic performance, I firmly believe that the broader job opportunities and essential life skills gained from studying abroad establish a solid foundation for personal development in the long term.