in some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this

Youngsters from other countries have a tendency to take a gap year when they finish high school and start university studies. This issue has a variety of disadvantages as well as advantages. Our essay now discuss two views

It is clear that working or travelling for a year between accomplishing high school and beginning university studies can offer considerable benefits. The first remerit is discovering themselves in various types of jobs . Thanks to this, young people find out the most suitable job and then help them to stay on track. This decision, therefore , is unfit for thí decision,therefore, is suitable for those who are not clearly certain about their career orientation. Furthermore, travelling will be beneficial for exploring the natural beauty all over the world, which enrich their social knowledge. For example, visiting other countries culture(japan, korean), attractions in their country

Despite the positive aspects, there are considerable drawbacks to take into account. Firstly, Taking a gap year makes people delay studying, which reduced the amount of their academic knowledge they used to have. Also, youth is quite difficult to catch up with peers, which accidentally even cause peer pressure as well as depression when they go back studying. A illustration of this is that young people who travel or work for a year between finishing high school and beginning university studies may retake courses to boost their score, just stay in their degree programs. Another disadvantage is that while they are travelling to workplace or visiting another place, it accidentally have unexpected accidents such as: robbery,traffic collision

In conclusion, in place of taking a gap year to work or travel, youngsters should prepare for essential skills for university studies. Besides, if people are old enough to experience extra works, as well as, you have much free time, they can also do whatever they want

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Youngsters" -> "Young people"
Explanation: "Youngsters" can sound informal and slightly pejorative in academic contexts. "Young people" is more neutral and appropriate for formal writing.
"take a gap year" -> "take a gap year off"
Explanation: Adding "off" after "year" clarifies that the gap refers to a year of absence from formal education, enhancing the precision of the phrase.
"Our essay now discuss" -> "This essay will discuss"
Explanation: "Our essay now discuss" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "This essay will discuss" corrects the verb tense and subject-verb agreement, aligning with formal academic style.
"The first remerit" -> "The first advantage"
Explanation: "Remit" is not commonly used in this context; "advantage" is the correct term for a benefit or positive aspect.
"discovering themselves" -> "discovering their interests"
Explanation: "Discovering themselves" is vague and unclear. "Discovering their interests" specifies what is being discovered, enhancing clarity and relevance to the context.
"Thanks to this" -> "As a result"
Explanation: "Thanks to this" is informal and vague. "As a result" is more formal and precise, indicating the consequence of the action.
"is unfit for thí decision" -> "is not suitable for this decision"
Explanation: "Unfit for thí decision" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Not suitable for this decision" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"travelling will be beneficial for exploring" -> "travelling can be beneficial for exploring"
Explanation: "Will be" implies certainty, which may not be accurate in this context. "Can be" suggests possibility, which is more appropriate for discussing potential benefits.
"visiting other countries culture(japan, korean)" -> "visiting the cultures of other countries, such as Japan and Korea"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammar and adds clarity by specifying the countries.
"Taking a gap year makes people delay studying" -> "Taking a gap year can delay academic pursuits"
Explanation: "Makes people delay studying" is informal and imprecise. "Can delay academic pursuits" is more formal and specific.
"reduced the amount of their academic knowledge" -> "reduce their academic knowledge"
Explanation: "Reduced" is the past tense, which is incorrect in this context. "Reduce" is the correct form for describing ongoing or potential effects.
"youth is quite difficult to catch up" -> "it is quite difficult for youth to catch up"
Explanation: "Youth is" is grammatically incorrect. "It is" corrects the subject-verb agreement and clarifies the subject.
"accidentally even cause" -> "may even cause"
Explanation: "Accidentally" is incorrectly used here; "may" is the correct modal verb for expressing possibility.
"A illustration of this is" -> "An example of this is"
Explanation: "Illustration" is incorrect in this context; "example" is the correct term for a demonstration or instance.
"it accidentally have unexpected accidents" -> "it may have unexpected accidents"
Explanation: "Accidentally" is incorrectly used here; "may" is the correct modal verb for expressing possibility.
"in place of taking a gap year" -> "instead of taking a gap year"
Explanation: "In place of" is less common and slightly awkward in this context. "Instead of" is more direct and formal.
"youngsters should prepare for essential skills for university studies" -> "young people should prepare essential skills for university studies"
Explanation: "For essential skills for" is redundant. Removing "for" corrects the redundancy and improves readability.
"if people are old enough to experience extra works" -> "if individuals are old enough to take on additional work"
Explanation: "Extra works" is informal and unclear. "Additional work" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the advantages and disadvantages of taking a gap year, which is a requirement of the prompt. However, the exploration of these points is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the advantages are mentioned, such as self-discovery and cultural enrichment, they lack depth and specific examples. The disadvantages are also noted, but the discussion is not balanced, as the advantages are not elaborated upon sufficiently. The phrase "this decision, therefore, is unfit for thí decision" is confusing and does not clearly articulate the point being made.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each advantage and disadvantage is clearly defined and supported with specific examples or explanations. For instance, when discussing self-discovery, the writer could elaborate on how different jobs or travel experiences contribute to personal growth. Additionally, ensuring that each point is well-developed and clearly linked to the overall argument will strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position on the topic. While it mentions both sides, it does not take a definitive stance or provide a strong conclusion that reflects a clear opinion. The phrase "this decision, therefore, is unfit" is unclear and detracts from the overall argument. The conclusion suggests that youngsters should prepare for university instead of taking a gap year, but this position is not strongly supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity of position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Each paragraph should connect back to this central argument, and the conclusion should summarize the main points while reiterating the writer’s stance clearly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, but they are not extended or supported effectively. For example, the mention of "discovering themselves in various types of jobs" is a good start, but it lacks examples of what this might entail or how it benefits young people. The disadvantages are also mentioned but are not elaborated upon with sufficient detail or examples, such as specific scenarios of peer pressure or academic challenges faced by those who take a gap year.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, when discussing the benefits of travel, the writer could include how exposure to different cultures can enhance adaptability and global awareness. Using real-life examples or hypothetical scenarios can also help to illustrate points more vividly.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of taking a gap year. However, there are moments where the writing becomes unclear or strays slightly from the main focus, such as the abrupt mention of "unexpected accidents" while traveling, which feels disconnected from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the advantages or disadvantages of taking a gap year. Avoiding tangential points and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that ties back to the main question will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, clarifying any ambiguous statements will improve coherence and relevance.

In summary, to improve the overall score for Task Response, the writer should focus on deepening the analysis of both advantages and disadvantages, maintaining a clear and consistent position, effectively supporting ideas with examples, and ensuring that all points remain relevant to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the two perspectives (advantages and disadvantages). However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the advantages but lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. The transition from discussing self-discovery to the benefits of travel is somewhat abrupt. The second body paragraph on disadvantages also lacks a clear structure, with ideas presented in a somewhat scattered manner.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point. For example, in the advantages paragraph, a sentence like "There are several advantages to taking a gap year, including personal development and cultural exposure" would provide clarity. Additionally, ensure that each point flows logically into the next, using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the effectiveness of these paragraphs is diminished by their internal structure. The first body paragraph mixes ideas without clear separation, and the second body paragraph lacks coherence, with some sentences feeling disjointed. For example, the mention of "peer pressure" and "depression" appears abruptly without sufficient context or transition from the previous point about academic delays.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develops it fully before moving on to the next point. Use linking words and phrases to create a smoother transition between sentences and ideas. Consider breaking up longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, ensuring each paragraph has a clear focus.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Furthermore," and "In conclusion," which help to structure the argument. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used, and some sentences lack clear connections. For example, the phrase "this decision, therefore, is unfit for" is awkward and disrupts the flow of the argument. Additionally, the use of "accidentally" in the disadvantages section does not convey the intended meaning clearly.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "In addition." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and enhances clarity. For example, instead of "accidentally," consider using "unintentionally" or "unexpectedly" to better convey the idea of unforeseen circumstances. Regular practice with different cohesive devices in writing can help improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "gap year," "academic knowledge," and "peer pressure." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "young people" and "travelling." The essay also contains awkward phrasing, such as "the first remerit," which is not a commonly used term in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young people," alternatives like "youth," "students," or "teenagers" could be employed. Additionally, using more varied expressions to describe the benefits and drawbacks, such as "advantages" and "disadvantages," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "discovering themselves in various types of jobs" is vague and could be more clearly articulated. The phrase "unfit for thí decision" appears to be a typographical error and lacks clarity. Furthermore, "unexpected accidents" is redundant, as accidents are inherently unexpected.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity. Instead of saying "discovering themselves," they could specify what aspects of self-discovery are relevant, such as "identifying personal strengths and career interests." Additionally, proofreading for typographical errors and ensuring that phrases are concise and clear will enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "remerit," "thí," and "illustration." These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and may confuse the reader. The misspelling of "illustration" as "A illustration" also indicates a grammatical issue, as it should be "An illustration."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing short paragraphs and using spell-check tools. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure. Additionally, reviewing the essay for common spelling errors before submission will help catch mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring clarity in word choice, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("Youngsters from other countries have a tendency to take a gap year") and compound sentences ("This decision, therefore, is unfit for this decision, therefore, is suitable for those who are not clearly certain about their career orientation"). However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear sentence construction, such as "which accidentally even cause peer pressure as well as depression when they go back studying."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "This decision, therefore, is unfit for this decision," a more complex structure could be "While this decision may be unfit for some, it is suitable for those who are uncertain about their career orientation." Practicing sentence combining exercises and reading a variety of academic texts can also help in understanding how to structure sentences more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "the first remerit is discovering themselves in various types of jobs" misuses "remerit," which is not a standard term in this context. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect spacing, as seen in "suitable for those who are not clearly certain about their career orientation. Furthermore, travelling will be beneficial for exploring the natural beauty all over the world, which enrich their social knowledge." The phrase "which enrich their social knowledge" should be "which enriches their social knowledge" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and the correct formation of verb tenses. Regular grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common mistakes, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring correct comma usage will enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay.

In summary, while the essay presents some relevant ideas, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Young people in some countries are often encouraged to take a gap year after finishing high school and before starting university studies. This practice has both advantages and disadvantages. This essay will discuss both perspectives.

It is clear that working or travelling for a year between completing high school and beginning university studies can offer considerable benefits. The first advantage is discovering their interests through various types of jobs. Thanks to this experience, young people can identify the most suitable career paths, which helps them stay focused in the future. This decision, therefore, is particularly suitable for those who are uncertain about their career orientation. Furthermore, travelling can be beneficial for exploring the natural beauty of the world, which enriches their social knowledge. For example, visiting the cultures of other countries, such as Japan and Korea, can provide valuable insights and experiences that enhance their understanding of the world.

Despite the positive aspects, there are considerable drawbacks to consider. Firstly, taking a gap year can delay academic pursuits, which may reduce their academic knowledge. Additionally, it is quite difficult for youth to catch up with their peers, which may even cause peer pressure and depression when they return to their studies. An example of this is that young people who travel or work for a year between finishing high school and starting university may need to retake courses to improve their grades, which can prolong their time in university. Another disadvantage is that while they are travelling or working, they may encounter unexpected accidents, such as robbery or traffic collisions.

In conclusion, instead of taking a gap year to work or travel, young people should focus on preparing essential skills for university studies. Moreover, if individuals are old enough to take on additional work and have sufficient free time, they can still pursue their interests in a more balanced way.