In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children these messages?

The belief that determination and hard work plays a crucial role in achieving personal success is often communicated to children in multiple countries. While the advantage of this message can could be unquestionable, it is also necessary to pay a closer attention to other contributors leading to personal achievements as well, as the expectation on grit alone could be disappointing in rather multiple cases.

First of all, the focus on hard work should aid for the suitability factor of the goal, as stated in a famous quote which said you cannot expect a fish to climb a tree, because no matter how hard the fish can try, it will fail. Similarly, the consideration of setting a suitable goal should be prioritized first before calculating hard work. Simply agreeing with a kid wishing he wanted to be as wealthy as Bill Gate one day and telling him to only work hard is unreasonable. Other than that, guidance and support from an informed and senior networks can prove to be pivotal in any fields. Bill Gate successfully recognized his dream of founding Microsoft not only because of determination, but it was the collaboration with his parents’ friends, who are the leading experts in computing and law, that added to his guarantee of success.

However, in the era of proliferating inequality on wealth distribution and existing racial discrimination, the notion of determination alone has been serving as the motivation for a whole deprived young generation. One prime example of this belief is Barack Obama, whose background of being born into a less affluent colored family, was expected to be the hinder for his political career. However, with his belief in hard word, together with other factors mentioned, he became the first black president of the United States. On a simpler scale, the success stories of prestigious scholarships awarded to various disadvantaged children always highlight the importance of hard work as the first and foremost condition.

In conclusion, without tremendous hard work, one individual could not hardly reap any success, but it is noteworthy to state that determination should be in close coordination with other factors to maximize the chance of achieving your goal.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"belief" -> "conviction"
Explanation: Replacing "belief" with "conviction" adds a touch of formality and sophistication to the statement, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"plays" -> "plays"
Explanation: No change needed. The word "plays" is appropriate in this context.
"communicated to" -> "instilled in"
Explanation: "Instilled in" is a more formal and precise phrase than "communicated to," aligning better with academic style.
"While the advantage of this message can could be unquestionable" -> "While the merits of this message are undeniable"
Explanation: The suggested change improves clarity and removes redundancy by replacing "can could be" with "are."
"necessary to pay a closer attention to" -> "necessary to pay closer attention to"
Explanation: "Closer attention" is a compound noun; the article "a" is not needed before it.
"other contributors leading to" -> "other factors contributing to"
Explanation: "Factors contributing to" is a more concise and formal phrase than "contributors leading to."
"as well, as" -> "as well as"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "as well" improves the flow of the sentence and aligns with standard punctuation rules.
"could be disappointing in rather multiple cases" -> "could lead to disappointment in numerous cases"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a more precise and formal expression, avoiding the use of "rather multiple."
"aid for" -> "contribute to"
Explanation: "Contribute to" is a more formal and appropriate phrase in this context than "aid for."
"which said" -> "which states"
Explanation: Using "states" instead of "said" maintains present tense consistency and enhances clarity.
"the advantage of this message can could be unquestionable" -> "the benefit of this message could be undeniable"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a clearer and more concise expression, avoiding the awkward construction of "can could be."
"suitability factor" -> "appropriateness"
Explanation: "Appropriateness" is a more formal and precise term compared to "suitability factor."
"prioritized first before" -> "prioritized before"
Explanation: Removing "first" enhances the sentence’s clarity and conciseness.
"Simply agreeing with a kid wishing he wanted" -> "Merely agreeing with a child who expresses a desire"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a more formal and grammatically correct phrasing.
"wealthy" -> "affluent"
Explanation: "Affluent" is a more formal synonym for "wealthy," enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"Bill Gate" -> "Bill Gates"
Explanation: "Bill Gates" is the correct name of the individual referred to.
"not only because of determination, but it was the collaboration" -> "not solely due to determination, but also due to the collaboration"
Explanation: The suggested change improves the sentence’s clarity and removes redundancy.
"senior networks" -> "senior networks"
Explanation: No change needed. "Senior networks" is appropriate in this context.
"added to his guarantee of success" -> "contributed to his assurance of success"
Explanation: "Contributed to his assurance of success" is a more formal and precise expression than "added to his guarantee of success."
"proliferating" -> "increasing"
Explanation: "Increasing" is a simpler and more direct term than "proliferating," aligning better with academic style.
"less affluent colored family" -> "less affluent family of color"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves clarity and follows more conventional word order.
"was expected to be the hinder for" -> "was expected to hinder"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrasing enhances clarity and removes redundancy.
"hard word" -> "hard work"
Explanation: Correcting the typo from "hard word" to "hard work" maintains clarity and accuracy.
"whole deprived young generation" -> "entire disadvantaged younger generation"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a more formal and precise expression.
"One prime example of this belief is" -> "A prime example illustrating this belief is"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a more formal and precise expression.
"colored" -> "African American"
Explanation: "African American" is a more appropriate and respectful term than "colored."
"hard word" -> "hard work"
Explanation: Correcting the typo from "hard word" to "hard work" maintains clarity and accuracy.
"prestigious scholarships awarded to various disadvantaged children" -> "prestigious scholarships awarded to underprivileged students"
Explanation: "Underprivileged students" is a more formal and precise term than "various disadvantaged children."
"first and foremost condition" -> "primary condition"
Explanation: "Primary condition" is a more concise and formal term than "first and foremost condition."
"one individual could not hardly reap" -> "an individual could hardly reap"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrasing improves clarity and removes redundancy.
"but it is noteworthy to state" -> "however, it is worth noting"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a more formal and concise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of conveying messages of unlimited potential to children. It acknowledges the importance of determination and hard work while also highlighting the necessity of considering other factors in achieving success.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay could delve deeper into the specific advantages and disadvantages, providing more nuanced analysis and possibly exploring additional perspectives or examples.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that while determination and hard work are crucial, they should be supplemented with other factors for optimal success. This stance is evident throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion, ensuring consistency and coherence in the argumentation.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing examples such as Bill Gates and Barack Obama to support its points. However, some ideas could be further elaborated or connected for greater depth.
- How to improve: To enhance idea development, the essay could offer more detailed explanations of the examples provided and incorporate additional evidence or reasoning to bolster its arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s focus on the advantages and disadvantages of conveying messages of unlimited potential to children. However, there are moments where the discussion slightly veers off course, such as when mentioning wealth distribution and racial discrimination.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points made directly relate to the topic at hand. When introducing tangential topics, it should clearly connect them back to the main discussion to avoid straying too far from the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses key aspects of the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed analysis, maintaining a consistent position, developing ideas further, and staying closely aligned with the topic. Strengthening these areas would elevate the essay’s clarity and depth, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments and examples, and a conclusion summarizing the main points. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are instances of minor disruptions in logical progression, such as the abrupt transition between discussing the importance of setting suitable goals and the example of Bill Gates. Additionally, the concluding sentence could be more effective in tying together the main points and reinforcing the central argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between ideas and examples. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect different parts of the essay more seamlessly. Moreover, strengthen the conclusion by restating the thesis and summarizing the key arguments without introducing new information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the main argument, followed by body paragraphs presenting advantages and disadvantages. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph structure and coherence. For instance, some paragraphs contain lengthy sentences that could be divided to improve readability and clarity.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of the paragraph. Break down long sentences into shorter, more concise ones to improve readability and coherence. Consider using transitional phrases at the beginning or end of paragraphs to enhance the flow between ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "first of all," "however," and "in conclusion," which guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Additionally, pronouns and conjunctions are used effectively to establish relationships between sentences and paragraphs. However, there is limited variation in cohesive devices, with a tendency to rely on a few repetitive phrases.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to maintain reader engagement and enhance coherence. Incorporate a broader range of transitional phrases and synonyms for pronouns and conjunctions. This will create a more varied and sophisticated writing style while improving the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied expressions used throughout the text. For instance, phrases like "personal success," "proliferating inequality," and "less affluent colored family" showcase a diverse vocabulary. Additionally, the essay employs synonyms effectively, such as "suitability factor" for appropriateness and "deprived young generation" for disadvantaged youth.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Utilizing advanced synonyms and idioms can elevate the richness of the language and add depth to the arguments presented. Additionally, be cautious not to overuse certain terms; instead, strive for diversity in word choice to maintain reader engagement.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas and arguments. For example, the phrase "focus on hard work should aid for the suitability factor of the goal" articulates the relationship between hard work and goal appropriateness clearly. However, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise, such as the phrase "proliferating inequality." While the term effectively conveys the idea of growing inequality, a more precise term like "widening wealth gap" could provide greater clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully consider the context in which vocabulary is used and opt for terms that accurately capture the intended meaning. Avoid ambiguity by selecting words that align closely with the intended message. Additionally, strive to use specialized vocabulary where appropriate, particularly when discussing complex or nuanced topics.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances of minor spelling errors, such as "could could" instead of "could be" and "hard word" instead of "hard work." While these errors do not significantly detract from the overall clarity of the essay, improving spelling accuracy can enhance professionalism and readability.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools during the writing process to identify and correct errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch any remaining spelling mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling errors can contribute to improved accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt to vary sentence structures, incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, simple sentences like "The belief that determination and hard work plays a crucial role in achieving personal success is often communicated to children in multiple countries" coexist with more complex ones such as "However, with his belief in hard word, together with other factors mentioned, he became the first black president of the United States." This variety enhances readability and engagement.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s structure, consider incorporating rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion for stylistic flair. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence beginnings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or subordinate clauses) can enhance coherence and flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with minor errors scattered throughout. Instances such as "as the expectation on grit alone could be disappointing in rather multiple cases" could be revised for clarity ("as the expectation on grit alone could be disappointing in numerous cases"). Additionally, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "Other than that, guidance and support from an informed and senior networks can prove to be pivotal in any fields," where "networks" should be singular ("network").
- How to improve: Proofreading for these minor errors can significantly enhance the essay’s clarity and precision. Specifically, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistent verb tense usage. Moreover, consider using more complex punctuation marks like semicolons or em dashes to convey nuanced relationships between ideas.

Overall, the essay effectively communicates ideas with a strong command of grammar and punctuation, coupled with a varied sentence structure that enhances readability. Focusing on refining minor errors and further diversifying sentence structures can elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The conviction that determination and hard work play crucial roles in achieving personal success is often instilled in children across many cultures. While the merits of this message are undeniable, it is necessary to pay closer attention to other factors contributing to personal achievements as well, as solely relying on grit could lead to disappointment in numerous cases.

Firstly, it is important to consider the appropriateness of the goal, as emphasized in the saying, “You cannot expect a fish to climb a tree.” Simply agreeing with a child who expresses a desire to be as affluent as Bill Gates and telling them to only work hard is unreasonable. It is essential to prioritize setting suitable goals before emphasizing hard work. Additionally, guidance and support from knowledgeable and experienced networks can be pivotal in various fields. Bill Gates’ success in founding Microsoft was not solely due to determination, but also due to the collaboration with his parents’ friends, who were experts in computing and law, which contributed to his assurance of success.

However, in an era marked by increasing wealth inequality and racial discrimination, the notion of determination alone serves as motivation for an entire disadvantaged younger generation. A prime example illustrating this belief is Barack Obama, who came from a less affluent African American family and was expected to face hindrances in his political career. However, with his belief in hard work, together with other contributing factors, he became the first black president of the United States. On a smaller scale, the success stories of prestigious scholarships awarded to underprivileged students consistently emphasize the importance of hard work as a primary condition.

In conclusion, while tremendous hard work is essential for success, it is worth noting that determination should be supported by other factors to maximize the chance of achieving one’s goals.