In some regions, the phenomenon of whether it is more beneficial to possess an own house or rent an accommodation has always been a subject of ongoing debate. Personally, I partially agree with this statement for several reasonable factors.

In some regions, the phenomenon of whether it is more beneficial to possess an own house or rent an accommodation has always been a subject of ongoing debate. Personally, I partially agree with this statement for several reasonable factors.

In some regions, the phenomenon of whether it is more beneficial to possess an own house or rent an accommodation has always been a subject of ongoing debate. Personally, I partially agree with this statement for several reasonable factors.
On the one hand, owning a house is a favourable choice for certain range of classes of people. To begin with, homebuying provides owners with the right to comfortably modify the house according to their preferences as well as their needs. Furthermore, security is another contribution to for the credibility of this settling way, house protection systems and sensors can be installed as well as advanced over the time, unlike house renting. For instance, some boarding house model has windows having exposed or broken part, which allows evil-doers to seek in.
On the other hand, there are some inherent drawbacks to this phenomenon. First of all, possessing an own house means that big amount of monetary unit demanded, which is inappropriate for human-beings such as university students or unemployed residents. Moreover, Moreover, getting stuck in financial issues leads to preventing the youngsters from focusing on the other major problems. Take, for example, a young boy, who is always worried about buying a house, and can't concentrate on his relationships and desires.
In conclusion, it is reasonable to assert that owning a house is the most important milestone in human’s life. However, it only suitable for certain classes of people in the society. Therefore, people should only possess an accommodation whenever mastering their finances.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "the phenomenon of whether it is more beneficial" -> "the debate surrounding the benefits of"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and aligns with formal academic language.

2. "possess an own house" -> "own a house"
   Explanation: The phrase "possess an own house" is redundant. "Own a house" is the correct and more natural expression.

3. "favourable choice for certain range of classes of people" -> "advantageous option for specific demographic groups"
   Explanation: "Favourable choice" and "certain range of classes of people" are awkward and unclear. "Advantageous option" and "specific demographic groups" are more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

4. "comfortably modify the house" -> "comfortably modify their homes"
   Explanation: "the house" is too general; "their homes" specifies the ownership and is more personal.

5. "security is another contribution to for the credibility of this settling way" -> "security is another factor enhancing the credibility of this living arrangement"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar.

6. "advanced over the time" -> "continuously improved over time"
   Explanation: "Advanced over the time" is grammatically incorrect. "Continuously improved over time" is grammatically correct and clearer.

7. "some boarding house model has windows having exposed or broken part" -> "some boarding houses have windows with exposed or broken parts"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

8. "evil-doers to seek in" -> "vandals to enter"
   Explanation: "Evil-doers to seek in" is vague and informal. "Vandals to enter" is more specific and appropriate for formal writing.

9. "big amount of monetary unit demanded" -> "substantial financial investment required"
   Explanation: "Big amount of monetary unit demanded" is awkward and unclear. "Substantial financial investment required" is more precise and formal.

10. "human-beings such as university students or unemployed residents" -> "individuals such as university students or the unemployed"
    Explanation: "Human-beings" is overly formal and slightly archaic; "individuals" is more commonly used in academic writing. "The unemployed" is also more formal than "unemployed residents."

11. "getting stuck in financial issues" -> "becoming financially burdened"
    Explanation: "Getting stuck in financial issues" is informal and vague. "Becoming financially burdened" is more precise and formal.

12. "can’t concentrate on his relationships and desires" -> "cannot focus on his relationships and personal aspirations"
    Explanation: "Can’t" is too informal for academic writing; "cannot" is more formal. "Desires" is vague; "personal aspirations" is more specific and appropriate.

13. "it is reasonable to assert that owning a house is the most important milestone in human’s life" -> "it is reasonable to argue that owning a house is a significant milestone in human life"
    Explanation: "Human’s life" is grammatically incorrect; "human life" is the correct form. "A significant milestone" is more precise than "the most important milestone."

14. "it only suitable for certain classes of people in the society" -> "it is suitable only for certain segments of society"
    Explanation: "It only suitable" is grammatically incorrect. "It is suitable only" corrects this and uses "segments of society" for a more formal and precise term.

15. "people should only possess an accommodation whenever mastering their finances" -> "individuals should only acquire a home once they have mastered their finances"
    Explanation: "Possess an accommodation" is awkward and unclear; "acquire a home" is more direct and formal. "Mastering their finances" is clearer and more appropriate than "mastering their finances."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the debate regarding the benefits of owning a house versus renting, which is the core of the prompt. The writer presents arguments for both sides, indicating a balanced approach. However, the phrase "I partially agree" is somewhat vague and does not clearly delineate the writer’s stance. The essay mentions benefits of ownership, such as customization and security, while also acknowledging financial drawbacks for certain demographics, like students and the unemployed. This dual perspective is commendable but lacks a definitive conclusion on which option is more beneficial overall.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clarify their position more explicitly. Instead of stating a partial agreement, they could specify which aspects of owning versus renting they find more beneficial and why. A more definitive conclusion that summarizes their stance would also strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a mixed view on the topic, which can lead to some confusion regarding the author’s position. While the introduction suggests a partial agreement, the body paragraphs do not consistently reflect this stance. For example, the conclusion states that owning a house is a significant milestone, which may imply a stronger endorsement of ownership than the body suggests.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that their argument is consistent throughout the essay. They could use clearer transitional phrases to reinforce their viewpoint and summarize their main argument in the conclusion, linking it back to the introduction.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of homeownership (customization and security) and the drawbacks (financial burden for certain individuals). However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the example of boarding houses is vague and lacks detail, which diminishes its effectiveness as a supporting point. The discussion of financial issues could also benefit from more concrete examples or statistics.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include statistics about homeownership rates, quotes from studies, or more specific anecdotes that illustrate the points being made. Additionally, expanding on the implications of these points would provide greater depth.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the benefits and drawbacks of owning versus renting. However, some sentences, particularly in the conclusion, introduce ideas that feel somewhat disconnected from the main argument, such as the notion of "mastering their finances" without clearly linking it back to the main debate.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question of ownership versus renting. They could also avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion; instead, they should summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs and reinforce how they relate to the overall argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it could benefit from clearer positioning, more detailed support for ideas, and a tighter focus on the central question throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the logical progression of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of owning a home to the drawbacks lacks a smooth connection. The phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the ideas presented in the second paragraph do not directly contrast the first paragraph’s points, leading to some confusion.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly relate back to the thesis statement. For example, when transitioning to the drawbacks of homeownership, a sentence that directly contrasts the benefits discussed in the previous paragraph would strengthen the connection. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph builds on the previous one can create a more cohesive argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be improved. For example, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas (modification rights, security, and examples of rental issues) without clear delineation, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, consider splitting the discussion of modification rights and security into two separate paragraphs or ensuring that each point is clearly linked back to the main argument. Using clear topic sentences and concluding sentences for each paragraph can also help reinforce the main ideas.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which indicate contrasting ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and occasionally repetitive, particularly with the phrase "Moreover," which appears twice in close succession. Additionally, the transitions between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases such as "In addition," "Conversely," "For instance," and "As a result." This will not only enhance the flow of ideas but also make the writing more engaging. Furthermore, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas rather than simply to connect sentences.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, addressing these areas of coherence and cohesion will significantly enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Phrases such as "favourable choice," "homebuying," and "inherent drawbacks" show an attempt to use varied language. However, there are instances of repetition and limited synonyms, such as the repeated use of "house" and "accommodation." The phrase "certain range of classes of people" is awkward and could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "house," alternatives like "property," "residence," or "home" could be utilized. Additionally, phrases like "socioeconomic groups" could replace "certain range of classes of people" for clarity and sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "big amount of monetary unit demanded" is awkward and unclear; it would be better expressed as "significant financial investment required." The phrase "house protection systems and sensors" is also vague and could be more specific, such as "security systems and surveillance cameras."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Reviewing commonly used phrases and idiomatic expressions in English can help. For instance, replacing "big amount of monetary unit" with "substantial financial burden" would enhance clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "favourable" (which is correct in British English but should be consistent), "human-beings" (should be "human beings"), and "evil-doers" (which is less common and could be replaced with "criminals"). The phrase "boarding house model" is also unclear and may reflect a misunderstanding of terminology.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly using spell-check tools or resources. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terminology relevant to the topic can help reduce errors. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay shows an effort to engage with the topic and present arguments, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the essay to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "To begin with, homebuying provides owners with the right to comfortably modify the house according to their preferences as well as their needs" shows an attempt to incorporate variety. However, many sentences are quite similar in structure, often relying on simple and compound forms. For example, the sentence "First of all, possessing an own house means that big amount of monetary unit demanded" lacks complexity and could be enhanced by integrating subordinate clauses or varying the sentence openings.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more complex sentences that include relative clauses, conditional clauses, or varied sentence openings. For example, instead of starting with "First of all," you could use "While some argue that owning a house is essential, it is important to consider the financial implications." This not only varies the structure but also enhances the flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "an own house" should be corrected to "one’s own house." Additionally, the sentence "big amount of monetary unit demanded" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should read "a large amount of money is required." There are also punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary repetition of "Moreover," which disrupts the flow of the text.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and proper article usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can help identify common mistakes. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors can improve clarity. For instance, ensure that commas are used correctly to separate clauses and that conjunctions are not redundantly repeated. Reading the essay aloud can also help catch these errors before final submission.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In some regions, the debate surrounding the benefits of owning a house versus renting accommodation has always been a subject of ongoing discussion. Personally, I partially agree with this statement for several reasonable factors.

On the one hand, owning a house is an advantageous option for specific demographic groups. To begin with, homeownership provides individuals with the right to comfortably modify their homes according to their preferences and needs. Furthermore, security is another factor enhancing the credibility of this living arrangement; house protection systems and sensors can be installed and continuously improved over time, unlike in rental properties. For instance, some boarding houses have windows with exposed or broken parts, which can allow vandals to enter.

On the other hand, there are some inherent drawbacks to this phenomenon. First of all, owning a house requires a substantial financial investment, which is often inappropriate for individuals such as university students or the unemployed. Moreover, becoming financially burdened can prevent young people from focusing on other major aspects of their lives. Take, for example, a young person who is always worried about buying a house and cannot focus on his relationships and personal aspirations.

In conclusion, it is reasonable to argue that owning a house is a significant milestone in human life. However, it is suitable only for certain segments of society. Therefore, individuals should only acquire a home once they have mastered their finances.